I've really done it this time

[paraniod]

I've really done it this time

thanks cat. I just got some much needed sleep and woke up realizing that I should not be letting it blow up like this. I am letting my imagination get me too. I can only keep telling him that the majority of what he is mad at is not reality. I feel so much better now.
Thanks

[beatle]

I've really done it this time

Just reflecting on your name-- sounds like your husband is also paranoid.

But both of you seem to need to pause, take a breath, and try to see things as they are. Maybe this was a way to make that happen for you.

And maybe all that energy should be used to try to help you and your husband focus on how you can make things better instead of using it on "imagining" things and being paranoid (both of you).

[diamond]

I've really done it this time

was it strip poker then ? is that a party favour ?

I am really perplexed so can't advise, but why tell him, I would have stayed quiet and tried harder next time to not drink.
Sorry can't help, try and stay calm though, it should be ok.
Diamond

[paraniod]

I've really done it this time

LOL no it wasn't strip poker, for I knew that would blow his mind. Anyway, I just got a call from the gal who had the party and her sister in law which was at the party for the dinner portion, just had her baby and it is 4 weeks early and not doing well. So at this time, my friend is bringing her kids up so that she can go and be with the family to help.
Diamond, I tried to keep quiet, but I just couldn't get over how it would make him feel. And how does that make me look as a wife? I had to get it off of my chest. I know it was the right thing to do but maybe not the smartest for my marraiges sake.

[Popeye]

I've really done it this time

Sorry your having a bad time paranoid.
I hope everything works out for you.
I really don't see what you've done wrong.....
And you don't suck.

[paraniod]

I've really done it this time

thanks popeye

[Arial]

I've really done it this time

Hi Paranoid,

It's so difficult to offer words of wisdom when I'm largely in the dark about what really happened and what the problem really is - apart from in your husband's imagination. All I can say is these situations do usually get worked out as long as people can keep calm and rational. Maybe your husband needs a little time/space to come to terms with whatever it is - or maybe you can find an appropriate time to talk to him - when he's eventually open to it - maybe not waking him at 4am (I don't know many people who would be at there best at that time!). Your letter sounds a good idea so hopefully once he's read that and digested what you say he'll be prepared to talk... In the meantime show him you want to make changes and want to move forward. If he no longer trusts you, finding a way to rebuild that would be a start, but I know that's easier said than done. As I said, it's difficult to make suggestions with only a little understanding, so I wish you well with your difficult situation - I hope you can find the way to move forward and beyond this issue and focus on making the changes in your life/lives that will stop anything like this happening again.

I also hope the new mother is doing better now. Warmest wishes,

[southernbelle47]

I've really done it this time

I have to agree with 42cat

Promise him that you won't "party" without him...

You could land in jail for "party favors"....

I would think long and hard about my kids and my life and how it's headed...

Is there someone "older" and "wiser' that you two could go talk to?

You may have to drive a few miles to a larger city but it will be worth it..

I don't want to be a party pooper....but.....this could be a turning point in not only your life and hubby's, but your kids lives as well.

My hubby and partied hard in our twenty's and it could have caused a divorce or even someone getting hurt.
Thank God that around 28 I realized that things HAD to change and it had to begin with ME....
I confessed ALL to my God ....It's gone now...as far as the east from the west!

My kids are all grown now and collage grads, married and just real good people. I shudder when I think what could have been. My hubby of 42 years l doesn't need to "know" everything.
I would never hurt him by "getting it off my chest".
If he asked, I would have to tell him the truth but ...he won't ask...God knows all and has forgiven all. Done deal..

That was over 30 years ago......we have had a good life...we're not perfect but at least we are able to have our kids and grandkids all together with out x's and step kids and all that mess.

Think long and hard about your next step.
Love,
Nancy:l

[diamond]

I've really done it this time

I agree with Popeye, it doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong, except go to a bbq where there was drink, and you didn't get drunk you said.

Don't worry, I feel it will be ok
Good Luck
Diamond

[beatle]

I've really done it this time

yes, what Popeye said is true. what HAVE you done wrong? 3 glasses of wine over 5 hours is hardly horrible (unless you are sworn to abstinence, of course). Hasn't this blown way out of proportion? (And also, you don't suck).

[paraniod]

I've really done it this time

I am getting two opinions here. One is that I should tell and another that I should not have. I guess maybe in some ways it was selfish of me to tell him, but I also think that he deserves to know the truth. I didn't tell him to hurt him and I obviously was not htinking when I acted out. But, I need to move on now. He read my letter and ripped it up. I don't think that he really cares what I do at this point. He basically said that he can't leave the kids, but I am pretty sure he doesn't love me. This has been going on for a while. We have been through counceling and it doesn't really get us anywhere. I am going to try a new angle and that is to be the best wife I can be. I don't think maybe I have ever really given this a try. I truly think he hates me, but I need to move forward. I told him I don't want him to stay if he is doing it for the kids and not for us. There are many that have been able to move forward after divorce. I know it would be easier for me to be a non drinker if he were not around. He drinks daily and actually while I was playing Texas hold em he was at a casino drinking and gambling. So, he isn't exactly innocent. But I feel that I betrayed him.
I want to go chop all of my hair off and buy frumpy clothes and disappear into the wall.
I agree popeye it is being blown out of proportion. The real problem showing is lack of trust. I don't know what to do about that.

[beatle]

I've really done it this time

This is getting a litle above my head. Are you really in love, do you really want to make this work? Or is about who did what-- who is better than who? Are your kids really a part of this?

[paraniod]

I've really done it this time

No, my kids have no idea anything is going on. We are good about keeping this stuff quiet. I am not sure if it is clear or maybe it's just not as big a deal as I think, but I did do illegal substances. My kids were not around, but neither was my husband. His exact words were that he is more upset by that than anything else. He finally told me that he believes I didn't do anything else. I think he just hates me.

[Doggygirl]

I've really done it this time

Hi paranoid. I hope you are able to find a way to repair your relationship and move forward with your family life. Just going by what little (in the grand scheme) is presented here, I think it's fair to say that drinking will certainly not help your situation, and is most likely having a negative impact. While I agree with Beatle to a point that 3 glasses of wine across 5 hours probably isn't that big of a deal (depends on ones perspective of course - very broadly generalizing here) but the choice to do illegal substances probably wasn't a good one. To the degree that the drinks and just the general party atmosphere led to that decision, than I think alcohol is not helping your situation at all. I can categorically say that any time Mr. Doggy and I were at odds, my drinking never, ever helped and absolutely hurt the situation.

While Mr. Doggy and I often attend business related social events independently, we really have never made a point of going individually to mixed company non-business related social events. It's not that it was ever an issue and that was "decided" it just never felt right. Of course we are now in our 40's and both married/divorced previously so that plan probably came about naturally as a result of past experience. Especially if you both tend to get paranoid about what the other is doing at "parties" when you are not together, why do it? I'm not suggesting to avoid working on the foundational trust issue. But what's the point of partying separately, especially if solving your marital issues is your #1 priority? Pick your battles carefully I say. That's not one I would pick.

Just food for thought and of course not knowing much about the circumstances, could be way off base. At any rate, best wishes and I hope you can get the drinking in hand as I'm sure that will help matters at least some.

DG
Day 17 AF

[beatle]

I've really done it this time

"I think he just hates me"--??? Do you mean that?