Hello - Finding my feet I think?!

[Finding My Self]

:new: It is sooo good to read all your words...Thank you. Can I do a bit of a 'dump' as I am sure someone out there might be able to shed some light for me?!

I read RJ's book a year ago when I knew I was getting a bit scared about my 'need to drink' (even though I didn't really like being pissed!) but still headed off into stupid drinking for six months when my business went under and so scared myself really silly. One morning's dry heaves, no legs and little black insects in my vision was enough for me and I scarpered to AA. They have been just great but (and I know buts are dodgy things) I find myself really scared by the 'in' and 'out', 'them and us' stuff and the 'if you haven't got a sponsor you absolutely are going to die because you're not serious about this' stuff... I have 66 days AF now (no sponsor), feel great, don't want to drink (don't want a medal; I am just lucky) but am quite scared to go to meetings and hear this stuff now. I know 'it' (whatever 'it' is - fear tactics?) works for loads of people but perhaps I am not 'ill' in that I am incredibly lucky not to feel as desperate for drink as many. I really don't judge those that do, I just don't want booze. I just want to stick with my decision and realisation about that and not be told that I'm "a crazy drunk for thinking that because it's not that easy (Never thought it was - or is that my problem too!?!) because I do really; I don't know my own mind (probably - do any human beings totally?!?!) but they do". Now I am just terrified every time I see bottles in the supermarket etc even though I don't want to buy one! I imagine the taste and the wobbly feeling after a quarter of a glass and I realise I don't want it - I didn't like it!

I think I am a bit crazy because I drank because I kind of had an illness phobia - Emetophobia = the terror (and not just nobody likes it!) of throwing up or anyone else doing that around me.... I am possibly the only drinker who's never thrown up from booze?!?!? (Erm, yet - I'm not that confident!) Booze kind of numbed the terror (although of course it didn't really!) but then I felt rough having had booze so I would have some more to take the nausea away until I was too scared to stop in case I was sick - how crazy is that?!? When my business went under I was sooo tense that I felt sick so hence the heading into drunk-ville all day. (Hmmmm!)

I realised last night at a meeting that I actually never tried to stop, only cut down - not because I didn't think I could but in case I felt sick!!!! In the end I weaned off everything in 4 days and felt less scared (of course!) of life since and I don't want to go back to that horrible feeling I had before.

I can't share this at meetings because it has been suggested that I can't openly share that I 'might not be ill' and they seem to want me to be... What do I do with being terriifed enough of illness to become (?) alcoholic and the fact that they want me to have an incurable illness?? Er, those times in meetings are the only time I have wanted (and not had) a drink in 66 days...

Can anyone make any sense of me?

Thanks for reading this if you've been able to stick at it...!

Thanks for being there - it's really helped to type this anyway...

And I'm so new to blogs that I don't know how it works and hope I don't 'lose' this post too, as I have many other posts! Sorry if it turns up somewhere odd! Any advice gratefully received please!

Have a good, happy and graceful day all.

Me x

[Doggygirl]

Hello - Finding my feet I think?!

Hello finding your feet! Congratulations on 66 Days AF!!! I know you don't want a gold medal but I'm gonna give you one anyway. http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thu...gold_medal.jpg I'm so rebellious.....

All I can tell you is that if the only time you really crave a drink is when you are at an AA meeting, then maybe AA is not right for you. I know AA has helped many people, but we live in an interesting and diverse world. It can't be right for everyone. I never went to AA because I knew I would not be comfortable with the notion of powerlessness and a few other things that are integral to AA. Anyway, none of that matters!!

Sounds to me like you set out to not drink, and you're not drinking. Who cares if a sponsor helped you do it, or the Great Pumpkin helped you do it, or holy snack crickets maybe you did this all by yourself??? I hope you will stick around here. This is a TERRIFIC group and I love the MWO program. With the help of the supplements and hypnosis CD's, the people here, and a determined positive attitude, I am 21 days AF which is unbelieveable considering my 30 year history with the BoozeBeast. There are tons of people here who will inspire your socks off with their long quits or long successful moderations.

AA ain't the only way. Welcome!!

DG

[hart]

Hello - Finding my feet I think?!

(((FMF)))

Congrats on 66 days AF!:good: :wd: That's fantastic! My doc suggested AA too but I don't like well what Doggygirl said so well, some of their pilosophies.(sic) I hadn't heard of your particular illness but I have had panic attacks myself and they were awful. So I can imagine self-medicating w/booze to stop them. Hell I think a lot of us our self-medicating w/booze for a whole variety of reasons. If we didn't think it was a problem we wouldn't be here eh?

Glad u found us:welcome:

[Arial]

Hello - Finding my feet I think?!

Hi FMF and :welcome: as I don't think we've 'met' before!

66 days AF?? That's brilliant :yougo: ! (Sorry, Doggy girl gives the gold stars) and it really doesn't matter how you got there. DG put it so well I can't actually add anything (but I will, of course!) - getting back control of our lives is a personal journey and different things suit different people - if you 've found what works for you, then stick with that and don't feel obligated to do it anyone else's way - don't feel pressured to going through with something you don't feel comfortable with. One of the wonderful things about this place is its anonymity, its complete lack of judgment, its 'privacy of your own home' - you take what you can from it and hopefully feel able to return some support at some point - you obviously have a great success story to share already! - many of us are still dreaming of numbers as elevated as 66!

Also don't be concerned about what made you drink - phobias are nothing to be ashamed/embarassed about - we all have weird and wonderful reasons for drinking, and the fact that you are already getting on top of your reason is another huge step forward - so I see nothing but positives - just have confidence in your own path and you'll keep going in the direction you're meant to be headed - just glad you're here so we can come along with you!

Warmest wishes

[paula]

Hello - Finding my feet I think?!

Hi FMF and welcome. I went to AA meetings and found it helpful at first, but everyone
seemed to smoke, and repeat the same story over and over. I never did get a sponsor,
but I did meet some good people, one has become a really good friend. AA is great but
just not the answer for everyone. Lots of people have the phobia that you mention, so
your not odd.
Best of luck. Paula.

[Finding My Self]

Hello - Finding my feet I think?!

Thanks sooh much everyone for your messages.... I am just so new to blogging that it's taken me two days to find out how to get them so I can read them! Any tips?!?! I've saved them to Word now so I can find them and read them - they mean a great deal to me!
If I can do this so can you-all! A novel take on 69 today!!...

Have a good Friday and, like I've posted (somewhere!!!), enjoy the glasses of clean tap water that would keep a child alive in Africa - we are so lucky: why do we want to fill our faces with firewater instead?!?!
Me x