Honesty

[retteacher]

After 35 days of being sober, I'm just beginning to live w/honesty. I was a secret drinker. I know that the people closest to me saw me under the influence, but I don't really think anyone knew the extent of my drinking. The people here at MWO are the only people I've been completely honest with. What a gift it is to live out in the open! I'm not drinking wine out of coffee cups. I'm not wrapping empties & hiding them in the trash or riding around w/them in my car until I find a public trash can to dump them in. I'm not going to 3 - 4 different liquor stores so that clerks won't recognize me.

I'm no longer waking up in the morning filled w/shame & self-hatred. That was worse than the hang-overs. I'm not isolated anymore. I can look people in the eye, because I don't have a secret life.

To say that I'm grateful to MWO would be a total understatement. I tried & tried on my own & it didn't work. Thank you everyone. Mary

[Chief]

Honesty

I've told you before- you inspire me. I can relate to everything you say. I am honored to follow your path and I'm determined to do so. Don

[Finding My Self]

Honesty

Mary - thanks for your courage in honesty... yes, my story too... It is soooh wonderful to be rid of the on-going shame (and even the past shame is receding too, now; I feel I really am allowed to let go of it here at MWO and that is wonderful) of hiding bottles (full and empty), coffee cup wine, miniatures sneaked in handbags in loos, filling those up before going out of the door, how much could I carry (and hide) when visiting friends?, different drink stores every day, 'one ready for the morning'. (oh God, that was the end..!)
No, I'll admit here and now to my worst moment - I didn't know it had happened until months later but...I had vodka in a small water bottle as 'water' (*$#@!) and my son was thirsty.... I could still die from that shame... I had adrenal exhaustion and occasional sips of vodka helped my energy levels then, but even so??? What?!?!... It was the start of something horrible and I let total excess happen... But now I'm here - 78 days - thanks all! (and still exhausted but honest!!)

And as for looking people straight in the eye - isn't that just great!! And not worrying about smelly breath! (But it was the eye thing wasn't it?..the awful cruching, life sapping shame... I don't think I can remember a worse feeling. Even the worst emotions of grief - they're not self-inflicted!

Well done Mary! 35 and counting! Thanks for reminding me how far I've come and how far we've all come if we've even if we've just given it a day and even if we have to do that day over and over until it clicks...which is kind of how I see it anyway whatever the outcome..."for today I will drink soft drinks"....they add up.

Love
Feet x

[retteacher]

Honesty

Dear FMF: Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, it's a day at a time for me. Every day is a new decision not to drink. All I have to do is look at where I was 35 days ago, in order to understand just how valuable my sobriety is. Thank you so much. Mary

[Guest]

Honesty

Mary,
Am disgusted at myself now, as I recall how I used to go into the corner shop and the guy on the till would hand me a btl/wine down from the shelf without me having to utter a word.

And ughhh.........have done all the "decanting" stuff, but wine never really felt decent and enjoyable unless I could drink it from an appropriate glass............last few days before I quit, I had to sneak it and drink it from a plastic beaker........YUCK!!!

Am so glad to have quit............ drinking "covertly" was having to be planned like a military operation and completely stressing me out.

It`s great to no longer have all that nonsense to worry about.

Starlight Impress x

[NPGBI]

Honesty

Wow! I thought I was the only one who lived in a huge city that saw a different liquor store everyday of the week, bought that nasty McDonald's tea just for the plastic cup that looks okay in public. Honesty my next step, and I thank you.
Jeremy

[Bashley]

Honesty

Congratulations!!

[COLOR=DarkGreen]And thanks to all for your very honest posts.
I can see myself all over again, with the lying, liquor store changing, hiding bottles all over the place, refusing my kids a drink from "my water bottle", Parkinsons Disease excuses for not being able to write or fill out a simple form and generally making a complete arse of myself when drunk.
Can smell booze at 5 paces now and realize how I must have smelt to everybody for all those years even after 12 hours sleep.
Thanks for the reminders and good luck and perserverence to you all in your quest to be rid of this damned monkey.

Best Regards

Bashley.
Nothing since 3rd June and not counting days any more./COLOR]

[julie001]

Honesty

Yeah for your success!! Be so proud of yourself, and let your powerful feelings guide you towards life choices that will bring you true contentment. Good luck!

Julie

[diamond]

Honesty

This is still a good wake-up call for me too, just to remember not to go back to the 'good old days' !! You have a good way of expressing things Ret and I wish you and all the newbies continued success. (I am still a newbie at heart 'cos I will have this 'problem' forever.)

Diamond x

[evergreen]

Honesty

Mary - you are a beacon of inspiration for me. I left this site about 2 months ago when things were not going so well for you and look where you are now!! You go, girl!!! Maybe I do have a chance to kick this!! Thank you for sharing!!!!

[AMELIA]

Honesty

Mary, it's amazing that I have done and still do the things that you mentioned - when trying to keep your 'secret' secret.
Hold on to that sobriety and don't let it go. Well done.
x

[adagirl]

Honesty

I guess I was never much good at hiding my alcohol consumption. The cashier's at Costco kept asking me if I was having a party every time I would come in and load up the conveyer belt w/my wine and gin. I would just laugh and think, yeah a party w/myself! LOL

You know what's weird to me is that it never seemed excessive or embarassing to me at the time. I would get at least a dozen bottles of wine and a huge bottle of gin every time I would go to Costco (about once/month) and also pick up more wine at the grocery store and wine shops in between. And, that's like $150 worth of just booze on the Costco bill and my DH said NOTHING about it. Maybe I was actually hoping for him to say something and that's why I was so blatant about it? I don't know...

[Newyear]

Honesty

adagirl..omg I remember getting 8-9 bottles of wine at a Costco like place. I don't remember if anyone asked if I was having a party but I remember thinking I would pretend that I was if asked. I actually practiced or thought about putting the wine on the belt in a non embarassed way... Obviously I knew I was buying way too much wine.
My other big place - Beverage World - put me on an email list( for their regular customers) so they would email me the wine specials.
I also used to buy cheap wine at the Racetrac ( gas station) until I went in one day and the counter girl didn't know how to ring it up - the other girl there said 'oh, she buys wine here all the time, I'll show you how to ring it up". I was mortified. I thought they had different clerks in there all the time...
Anyway...no more worrying about that.
Lisa

[meditation mama]

Honesty

WHEW!
[i]"I'm not drinking wine out of coffee cups. I'm not wrapping empties & hiding them in the trash or riding around w/them in my car until I find a public trash can to dump them in. I'm not going to 3 - 4 different liquor stores so that clerks won't recognize meI]

Thank you all for your sharing. It is so important for me to see these experinces, my experiences, in black and white.

I definately need to keep reading here and stay close right now.... Thank you all for sharing! MM

[2Drunk42Long]

Honesty

Thanks all

its actually another eye opener---- i have been part of this post- for years now--- and rarely share- yet read often----
i remember years ago- there was a thread that was similiar to this- where we share our booze, etc.....
god its good to read stories just like mine------
good to be back.