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[Flip]

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It starts with you Janka, you are tolerating and accepting bad behaviour on his part and then saying you have trouble dealing with it????? how does that work?

Please, please, please read some CoDA material.

[janka]

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hi and thanks -- maybe he is afraid ... i do not think he is having an affair because he is pretty dedicated and loyal to all of us -- plus he is afraid of getting germs.

Anyway, I pretty much give up on going to a counselor again by myself (I have had 4 decent ones over many years) -- I really think I have some marital issues that have gone on for too long and unresolved and I know my husband is depressed but refuses to go see anyone along with me. I can not drink for long stretches of time, but if I feel mistreated by him, feel overstressed at work and familial demands, am alone for prolonged periods of time ... that's when I do it ... and I really can't take tough love threats ... these propel me most recently into poor behavior ... I did schedule a session with a PhD in two weeks ... but I do not anticipate much relief if my husband is not part of it, or if he can't bend a little to see how I feel, and treat me gently not toughly. Thanks for your support and let's all hang in there

[janka]

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Hi Flip, I have read countless medical materials as well as CDA, AA, Moderation Management and things were helpful. But I have a partner who really is afraid of communicating and I think he really needs to be right. For now, I will focus on abstinence, remain hopeful, open and as cheerful as possible. I am planning to hang around here for a while and really appreciate your h elp

[Accountable for Me]

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It sounds like you are caught in a rut. What about a separation then? If you both are that unhappy, he won't seek counseling, and you are going deeper into the drinking because of the way he mistreats you; don't you think you should leave then? I know it isn't my business and I apologize if I am stepping out of line. Do you have family nearby? Do they know what is going on? Do you have a friend to confide in? Or are you bottling all of this up internally and turning to drinking? I HONESTLY think you need to go and see a counselor or a support group for Co Dependents. It will help you see clearly.

[Accountable for Me]

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And... I am definitely not trying to sound harsh either. I am just concerned.

[janka]

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Hi and thanks AFM, my friends and family know all this and are very supportive of me. Anyway, while I am now the focus (past 5 years), he absolutely takes no/little? responsibility in how harshly he can treat me. I can separate from him, at least temporarily, but I have my kids and financial things to consider ... by the way ... I do not drink everyday ... I can abstain for a while, and see what happens then. I know he has treated me abusively (not physically) and that has bothered me for a long time ... perhaps I'll stay sober and see what happens ... he's made threats before and didn't end up doing anything. I would prefer to keep my family intact but under more positive circumstances

[Flip]

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yes, sorry, Janka, I don't mean to sound harsh, but it all sounds so simple to me sitting here on the other side of the world!

From what you say there are two choices for you. Stay and deal with it best you can or leave and deal with it best you can.

If you know about CoDA you know it's all about changing your behaviour and what you will accept (letting him know YOUR boundaries). If you accept his bad behaviour well so be it.

[janka]

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Hi Flip ... thanks and I know ... I want to stay and work things out better. I will not drink so far and still am scared that he will do something to me. my kids want me/us to stay, know that he is tough to live with, and want me to be tough and not drink. Today is Day 3 AF, and I am going to work. Hope my work is okay, maybe I should tell my boss I may be getting separated because i stayed out 3 days last week, but also work like a dog at my office and my home.

[Flip]

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Do what you have to do sweetie, please, just stay true to yourself. DAy 3 - great stuff. Keep it up!

f.

[Guest]

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I really feel for you janka.
Forgive me for saying so, but your husband is being a hypocrite.
How dare he treat you so coldly, when you are now only battling the same affliction he once battled himself.
He found some sort of comfort and productive support in AA.........he must have done, or he wouldn`t have managed to quit the booze.

You should calmly remind him that he once struggled with all that you struggle with today. Am not in the least disrespectful of AA, as it does have its many successes........it`s just that many of us can`t relate to it`s approach..........you sound much like myself, in that you have great need of a supporter as opposed to a dictator.........sadly, I don`t think your husband will ever appreciate this need in you.

Am afraid it appears that you`re very much on your own with this, regardless of whether or not you remain with him...........support to help you beat your alcohol addiction is simply not forthcoming from him. And, like many have already said, I do seriously think he gets so infuriated by your drinking as he feels it threatens his own sobriety, but taking off like a little boy will not resolve your problem for either of you.

I understand that you do not wish to break up your family and truly believe that people do best to avoid major life-changing decisions until they successfully combat their addiction. It`s best to hold off until the booze is taken out of the equation, and perhaps then, when you are psychologically stronger, you will be able to fully assess the pros and cons of staying with the marriage.

A good marriage ought to be a 50/50 partnership. We should never allow any man/woman to break our spirit.........seems like your hubby is making a damn good attempt at doing just that.

I wish you well with this.

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[janka]

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Thanks to all of you! He's taking me to work now, hopefully he won't say anything negative. Be back in touch later

[Niblet]

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Welcome Janka, I've just now read and read.... all your postings.
Sweetheart, abuse is abuse... Whether a mark is left on you or a scar is permanantly on your heart... When I was a young girl I was terribly abused both physically and verbally... I gotta say, When you are being physically beaten you are so terrified you do not feel a thing but to this day I sometimes hear the echo of negative horrible words... When a person verbally abuses another in any way shape or form they change that person for the rest of their life... It is not their right.
On a lighter note, I'm sooooo proud of you staying AF for "you" !!!! I'm not sure if you have gotten the Kudzu from MWO (it is much more potent than any other I understand) and L-glutamine ... But the Kudzu was my saving grace... It was truely a walk in the park and I used to be a drunk almost every second day with having the next day to recover with a hangover. Never going back there again...
You have been already given so many wonderful compassionate ideas !!! Aren't these people GREAT !!!! Without MWO I would be still feel lost, frightened, worthless at times etc...
Janka I just wanted to say to you, " YOU ARE WORTH THIS HON "
Hugs to you and welcome,

[janka]

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Hi Niblet, thank you so much for your support. I really do not think my husband thinks he does anything bad to me, he is much too self-absorbed and defensive. He would say to anyone that he loves me but he does not fully understand what it means to me.
Anyway, I physically feel fine ... I've never had cravings and typically self-medicated out of fear, loneliness, and stress, but don't feel like eating, which is okay for now. This time this is for me, not him, not my pressing family, and yes for my beautiful children. Thank you!

[Niblet]

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Good On You !!! You Go Girl !!!

[wakupmom]

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Just wanted to say Hi,and send you lots of encouragement -YOU ARE WORTH IT!! xx