I have spent the last few hours reading through people's accounts of the efforts they are making to try to stay sober and it's inspired me to properly have a go at it.
I'm 36 and I think ever since I got to university as a 17 year old, I gradually starting losing control of aspects of my life. I have somehow managed to hold onto my career, but I would say it wont last if I continue to follow the path I have. If I'm honest I would say every second week I drink and smoke cigarettes to excess one day mid week and then every week I do the same both on Friday and Saturday night. When I drink mid week I dont eat and would have a 6 pack of beer and 2 bottles of red wine + a pack of cigarettes (I dont smoke when not drinking). I just sit down out in the backyard in an arm chair and reflect on what went wrong in my last relationship which ended 2 years ago now. I chain smoke, drink quickly and then I either turn up to work looking (and feeling) terrible, or I dont turn up at all, which leads to guilt.
The week before last, I got drunk Wednesday, Thursday (missing both Thursday and Friday at work) , Friday and Saturday. When I get drunk on the weekends I catch up with friends and think it would be a good way to meet someone. Normally, however, I end up just getting drunk. I'm usually preoccupied with where my next drink and smoke are coming from and cant calm down and have decent conversations. The next day is a write off after a 4 am finish and then it starts again and I cant sleep on Sunday night and turn up tired and unmotivated on Monday morning for work.
This last weekend I went away with my best mates interstate. We had a boys trip ... boozy Friday and Friday night, Saturday and Saturday night. Sunday was a beautiful spring day but we were so hung over, we just stayed inside and then got on the plane, totally out of it and I could barely breathe properly due to the smokes.
I said on Saturday night to my best friend that I'd had enough. My therapist wanted to work out if I was bipolar or my down moods were just a function of 3 binge sessions a week. He said I need to give up for 3 months to work this out.
I'm determined to give it a go and have no problems now in accepting that I have a big problem with alcohol. However, those urges I will feel on Friday after work (if not before) will be tough to ignore. I think I would like to try some of the medication recommended on this site. What do people think?
It has been 2 days.
Benno
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