Newbies in Need - Day 5

[Janice]

Hi everyone,

I have been around reading posts for a few days but just haven't felt able to post myself. I've just felt too down about things. But, your newbies thread yesterday struck a chord with me.

For years I've been the "caretaker" of my side of the family - my mam 79 (who is an alcoholic), dad 86 (who I've just lost) and my 50+ year old brother who still lives in the family home and who is a paranoid schizophrenic. I'm not going to go into all my family history - I woudn't put you through that!! But mam's drinking has caused so many problems amongst them certainly over the last 10 years and I have always found myself trying to "solve" those problems.

Now I know and accept I can't, things have gone too far, but the stress has taken it out of me. I just feel drained. On top of grieving for dad I have still got mam drinking herself to death and my brother not able to cope with her drinking, causing problems with his illness. Now, after spending time there last week, once again it has taken it out of me and I come back so stressed, down, depressed and asking myself.... could things have been any different? It was also so hard hearing them both "having a go" at my dad after everything he had done for them. All I have ever tried to do is help them and I know they resent the fact that I live 300+ miles away but it has never stopped me getting involved with their problems or trying to help anyway I can. I ring every single day and whenever there is a serious problem I'm up there. They are just so selfish and I know now what my dad experienced before he had to move out 2 years ago. Last week all I did was help. Mam was totally out of it after trying to withdraw herself - 2 nights and 2 days she had no sleep and was away with the fairies and the strain of looking after her has taken its toll on my brother and his illness. Now neither of them will talk to me. It's like I'm grieving not only for dad but for my whole family. Times like this always lead me back to the bottle myself. Somehow, I know I need to put myself first but I just don't know how to "lift" myself and get that enthusiasm for caring for myself again. Sorry for rambling.

[rustop61]

Newbies in Need - Day 5

Hi Janice, welcome onboard. This is a great place and you meet so many people who show such great understanding. We are all dealing with our addiction and family problems etc. and everyone is there to support each other. I am an only child from a dysfunctional background. Have a great husband and two wonderful kids and yet there seems to be some monkey on my shoulder (alcohol) not allowing me to fully enjoy it. It's as if I feel I do not deserve it. Have treated my husband's family as my own and have been used and hurt in return. Major issues going on now with my MIL and as I have been the soft touch up to this they are all trying to dump on me even though we live three hours away from her and there are two sons with no children living much closer. Am now learning to put myself and my kids first, am dealing with my drinking, today is Day 5 alcohol free and am taking a large step back from their problems. Sometimes you need to do that, it's not selfish, its survival!! I am following the programme by the book apart from the topa. From last year's experience, I know I cannot moderate, I need to be alcohol free. I had no cravings yesterday and woke up this morning feeling wonderful. Am full of energy, have just cleared out the hall closet so there is a lot to be said for being AF. Whatever you decide moderation or being AF we are all there to support you. Read, read, and read and join in. I didnt in the beginning but am gaining much more out of it since I started. Best of Luck

Rustop

[retteacher]

Newbies in Need - Day 5

Janice: I've been wondering what had happened. I've lived w/active alcoholism/addiction, both during my childhood & during my adulthood. It can be very, very draining. 20 years ago, I went to Alanon & have been going ever since. It has even helped w/my own alcoholism. There's a phone number in the phone book, or you can look on-line (just google in Alanon). There might be a meeting near you. Keep coming...I love to see your posts. Mary

[uda]

Newbies in Need - Day 5

Hi everyone,

Day 5 for me too - woke up feeling very energetic but am flagging a bit now. Shall take a few moments to just 'chill' as my kids would say.

About the 'caretaker' bit. My counsellor asked me why I thought that taking care of other people's needs was more important than taking care of mine, when clearly I did have some pretty pressing ones at that time which I was also trying to take care of. To me that was a very helpful question.

Hope everyone is having a good day moving forward on your path.

Uli

[hart]

Newbies in Need - Day 5

You have a lot on your plate Janice. So glad u r here. We r very understanding and have gone thru EVERYTHING, one or another of us. :l

Day 2 for us. It's been a long time since Joe and I even tried going AF. But (((Janka))) and I made a pact (tho she's a day ahead). Hard to sleep last nite, as it ALWAYS is the first few days AF. Had wierd dreams, both of us. I thought I put makeup all over my hair :H and Joe was saving a town in WWII! Anyway, strength to all! :goodjob:

[Janice]

Newbies in Need - Day 5

thank you. Janicexxx

[slightlysuze]

Newbies in Need - Day 5

Janice...that sounds such a hard situation. Can you find a way to let them know that they hurt you by their behaviour? Sometimes people are so self-obsessed that they forget that others (especially family) are people in their own right too. You can still love and care for people at the same time you love and care for yourself....you just need to get the balance right. I'm struggling with the elderly parent issue too, so you really have my sympathy. It's such a mix of love and guilt and irritation and wanting to scream and feeling bad for feeling that way!

Keep coming here and get inspired....you'll find yourself ready to start making changes when the time is right.

Take care. SS x