Hi

[francis]

Hello,

This is day number 1 AF for me. During the last few weeks I have managed a scant few solitary days where I have avoided alcohol, but I feel it's past time for me to start actually living my life AF...and I'm scared.

I first visited this site a few months ago. I posted a little, read a lot and I think this site really helped me manage 3 weeks AF. I felt I needed to change. I felt it was make or break time. I was so determined...

Needless to say it all went wrong. I really couldn't tell you what made me take that first sip, I have no idea. Something trivial I suppose, certainly not a reason worth putting back to the same, dark, miserable place I was originally in.

A second attempt, with even more medical 'help' met with even less success. Chlordiapoxide for withdrawl for the first three days...a few breather days...then antabuse. I was just over a week on antabuse when drunk, obnoxious, aggressive me ended up in hospital with a racing heartrate.

My worst fears were then realised when I was asked to leave university, go home to my parents and admit to them just how much of a waster I was..tough times...I felt I had to keep drinking.

Months have passed since then and things have admittedly got a lot better...I found a low paying job and instead of a complete mess I've once again become a 'functioning alcoholic'. But thats not enough.

I feel that at 22, I've potentially ruined my life. I suppose that sounds laughable but it's a feeling that I can't shake. I shoul'd have my degree and prospects...a life. Instead I'm an unqualified, unhealthy waster who works a soul destroying job and drinks himself to sleep every night.

My University initially said they'd take me back...if I was alcohol free. That was months ago. I'm still not alccohol free and I'm terrified of contacting them. Confirmation that I may not be able to get back is a thought that makes me sick...makes me drink...

I guess my worry and my fear is that if one day is hard, how in the blue hell am I going to cope with this constant fight throughout the rest of my life?? Now I know that this is something that get's easier over time, but I also know that in one split...maybe in a month from now...maybe in a year from now...it could all fall apart.

In previous attempts at giving up I always felt so upbeat; now cynicism, circumstances and self-doubt have really sapped the positvity out of me. I feel I've blown my chance to escape it. I sit there and look at my alcoholic father, wobbling, telling me with a glazed look that I havn't got a problem, that he's spilt more than I ever drank; I look at him and, where once I felt contempt and determination not to be like him, I now look and see a version of myself in a few years time, a tame, watered down version of what I am likely to become, and I feel contempt.

If you've used alcohol as a coping mechanism for years in order to deal with the shit in your life, then how can you realistically hope to deal with the even bigger shit heap that drinking has left you in, without it?

I guess this place is one solution. I apologise for this big meandering moan - I'm sure, objectively, that many of you are dealing with worse problems and could do without reading my trifles...but it felt good to write this. It's the first time in a long time I've really reflected on my situation as opposed to just blocking it out with alcohol. Tonight, at least, I've chosen to suffer my sorrows as opposed to drowning them....there's got to be something valuable in that, I suppose.

[PinkLady]

Hi

Congratulations on this first day AF! It is hard, but you can do it.

You're life is just beginning, and you can make it whatever you want. No one can do it for you, but we are all here to help. Do this program, and keep reading and posting.

Good luck!
:welcome: :goodjob:

[Guest]

Hi

Hi francis and welcome.
Don`t refer to your problem as "trifles"........we`ll be here for you........we care.......and we`ll help you any way we can.

To be perfectly honest, your story upset me a great deal, as you are so very young. You are not a loser or a waster.........you`ll get yourself sorted out........be glad that you are admitting you have a problem with drink when you are young........am 42.....wasted too many years.

Get RJ`s book..........read it to consider your options.........make a plan to which you are willing to wholeheartedly commit and start to claim back your life.

At 22, the world is your oyster..........put booze out of your life and achieve all your hopes and dreams. I won`t pretend it`s easy, but you have so many reasons to get sober. Make a commitment to quitting and reap all the rewards that are sitting waiting for the sober francis.

Am 6 wks sober, thanks to M.W.O..........if I can do this........so can you.

Wishing you love and strength,

Starlight Impress x

[Breez]

Hi

Hi Francis:

This line spoke to me:If you've used alcohol as a coping mechanism for years in order to deal with the shit in your life, then how can you realistically hope to deal with the even bigger shit heap that drinking has left you in, without it?

While you are drinking you're mind is still in a funk. Even after a week or two of AF days your mind still is trying to distinguish between alcoholic thinking & AF thinking. Alocohol is a depressant-it stays in your system for awhile. And then boom. You've got-say-2 weeks under your belt, you begin to feel alive, empowered, you no longer look at life thru a fog. Things become brighter. You see that everything is not so negative. By being AF decisions are made wiser.

It comes down to baby steps. Having used this alcoholic crutch for so long, one thinks that they can not stand on their own two feet let alone walk. Not true. Baby steps. Today I choose not to drink-no matter what situation happens. Take the good & the bad with a smile. Next day, next baby step. Today I choose not to drink-no matter what situations happen to me because I can handle anything alcohol free. Then as you handle each situation on your own without that crutch you realize that indeed you are walking on your own. You can handle any situation because the more you do things on your own AF the more prepared you are for future circumstances.

That happened to me. As I cleaned up my messes & confronted my known triggers head on & I became rejuvenated, stronger and in control. I didn't have alcohol dictating my fears anymore. Every time I did things AF I knew I was growing stronger & I was now in charge of my destiny.

It is very hard at first but take it one day at a time, baby steps. Don't look at the whole picture-it's too over whelming. Read the book, tweak the program and set a small goal & plan. Reward yourself with your accomplishments and never give up. I wish you success.

[Cinders]

Hi

What a poignant post! You have addressed, at your young age, the fears all of us face. What if we go through all this and then slip and mess up, (really scary thought, happens but many keep forging), what if what we are facing sober is worse than what we are facing drunk?

I can't answer that in a positive way except to say that facing life sober HAS to be better than facing life drunk/numb. You have seen and experienced the results of the drunk/numb.

You are so young, (I know you don't feel that way but you have to much time ahead of you that many of us have wasted) that you can overcome your past and forge ahead. It sounds to me like you have a lot of possibilities and if I were you, I would take a good look at your own post and consider what it is you really need to do to make your life better. Not a "good" life, not an "acceptable" life but a fantastic life!!

You can do that. You have time but not much. Grab the reins now.

Nothing but the BEST is what you deserve.

Cindi

[Marshy]

Hi

Hi Francis,

You say: "I feel that at 22, I've potentially ruined my life."
Actually, the opposite is true. You've potentially saved your life by realising at a fairly young age that you've got a drink problem and you want to do something about it.

So, the university thing. Firstly, a degree is not the be all and end all. Loads of people achieve what they want to in their careers without a degree (I did!). Do you actually want to continue with your course? Are you happy doing that subject and at the university you're at? If so, the university has said you can go back - talk to them about the possibilities (maybe you could treat this as a 'gap year' to sort yourself out and go back next year).

If university is just not right for you, that's fine. Do you know what profession you're interested in? Can you arrange some work experience or voluntary work in that field? Of course, it's unpaid but will quickly give you a feeling of whether or not that job is for you. And don't feel that you're bothering people when you call - many employers are keen to have work experience people and it can lead to a permanent job if you're lucky. Also, work experience will look good to potential employers on your CV, maybe even better than a degree in a totally unrelated subject. (This is especially true as you get older).

I know you're in a scary place now but making some plans for the next few months might give you a feeling of 'moving forward'.