After one month I have fallen again!

[Iwantout]

Hi Folks,
I could really kick myself in the rear. I had had it together for a whole month. I started a rigorous exercise program for myself and even enrolled into college (at night since I have kids). I would not drink during the week and only 2 beers on one or two days on weekends.
Then, my husband brought home two 24oz. beer bottles for each of us on Friday. The next morning, I didn't feel right during my 4 miles run and felt that I "needed" to drink some beer to feel "better". I wound up drinking 4 24oz. beers that evening. Of course I felt even worse the next morning and yesterday, my husband and I drank 6 24 oz. beers-each!
I feel like such a failure. I had been doing so well and felt so good about myself for a whole month (and didn't even have the cravings anymore).
I'm not blaming my husband but my dilemma is that he still loves us to drink together like we used to. I felt bad for him on several occasions when he wanted to drink with me and I told him that I wasn't going to drink...When he brought home those two 24oz. beers on Friday, I gave in and "partied" with him to make him happy. But it led to me feeling hungover and guilty, so I drank even more on the two days after Friday...Now I'm an anxious and angry wreck.
Has anyone had the same thing happen as to giving in to drinking with someone who loves to drink with you???

[Janice]

After one month I have fallen again!

Hi Iwantout, first of all well done on your 30 days Af - that is something to be really proud of. I'm in a "similar" situation - I did 42 AF days from the end of April - no problem, got right into it, totally committed to the programme, vits/supps, cds ever day and posted here several times a day. My husband and I used to love our white wine but whereas he would drink Friday to Sunday and cut out the weekdays I was totally out of control every day!After 42 days (6wks) I thought, I'm in control here not the booze, I can control what I drink and when. My rules were no drinking midweek, no drinking alone, no white wine, only red, no more than 2/3 glasses Sat & Sun night. For the first couple of weeks all went to plan. Then I lost my dad late June and everything just went out of the window - all those positive feelings I had about coping without drink, I just went back on that slippery slope! Since then, I have had 14 days AF but then slipped again, its been hard. My husband is very supportive but its so hard when he's drinking on a weekend. You have got to take hold now. Get back that positive frame of mind you were in - you've just had a blip, thats all but you can build on those 30 days that you did. Get yourself back on the programme (says she who is also struggling to get past day 2 here!!!!) and don't be too hard on yourself, you've done great.
Janicexxx

[notevergivingup]

After one month I have fallen again!

Hi Iwantout,

I am in the same boat as you. My husband loves to drink to. I know he likes me to drink with him. We would sit at the end of our dock with a beer or two or three and at night on our porch swing after the kids are in bed with our large, very large glass of wine or two or three. I told him I am not drinking right now, It doesn't stop him from asking me if I want a beer. I have talked to him more than once, usually while we were drinking our glass of wine, about how much we drink and that we really do drink to much. He always says "I know", but is not willing to give it up. Which is fine I want to, I don't want our three children thinking it's normal to drink that much. I havn't told him I want to quit for good, I guess I'm scared if I do, I will feel the pressure not to drink and then drink, if that makes any sense.

Don't let this get keep you down, get back up and keep fighting. I don't know how many times I had to keep getting back up. I usually don't make it past 3 days. But I want this and I know you do to, together with everyone else here you'll make it through. Please don't be discouraged, it happens to a lot of us. The key is not to quit trying.

Best of Luck,
Twosox

[jane jane]

After one month I have fallen again!

Hello everyone---

First time here. I see many stories here that sound exactly like me, so I feel I've come to the right place. I hope so.

I just had an entire fifth of pinot grigio all by myself last night, after exactly seven weeks of abstinence. Now, compared to what I used to put away daily (probably twice that) it doesn't seem so bad, but my husband was furious with me and feels I've failed him, failed our marriage, and says he "can't trust me" not to drink any more. I think one slip doesn't necessarily spell disaster, and am determined to start all over; I suppose only time can show him that I am serious, and that he need not despair of me. He's a wonderful supportive man, a very moderate "normal" drinker, so perhaps he simply can't imagine how it is to love the stuff too much, and be unable to sip just one glass, then stop.

I'd love to think I can be like other people (non-drunks, of course) who don't obsess about that next lovely chilled glass, and the next, and the next, until zzzzz...! I thought I'd really conquered it, in these past 49 days...went to several parties, a gallery opening,a wake (for my late 92-yr-old uncle who also loved his daily jug of white as much as I do!) and out to dinner several times---without a single slip. I've been so proud, felt so good, slept so well, and got so much accomplished around the house and garden. Then, for absolutely no reason, I simply thought I'd been "good enough long enough" and zappo---there went all my good work. And of course, now the danger is thinking, "oh, I've failed, might as well go back to the old life..." except I think that if I do I'll lose my husband. I know he'll be watching me like a hawk, and that makes me extremely nervous! And of course I'm heartbroken that I disappointed the person I love best on Earth. And disappointed myself!

I have not, heretofore, been to any 12-step meetings, but I think I will go to my first one (all-female) at noon today. I'm terrified.

[Chief]

After one month I have fallen again!

Those of you who have successfully gone AF for a period of time now know you can do it. The question is how to maintain it?
We all know after you get through the physical part of quitting it's the mind games with The Beast that determines continued success or failure. The Beast will always try to get us to take "just one drink" when he thinks our guards are down and will use any and all assets available to him...even our spouses.
To me, the common denominator here is your husbands. If your spouse doesn't understand this process and support you it makes the job very hard. Either they don't "get it" or they themselves have a drinking problem and Their Beast is running the show. In effect, they are sabotaging your effort to quit. It's as simple as that.I don't know how involved in your quitting (and this site) your husbands have been in the past, but perhaps it's time they "get in the game".

Jane, after 7 weeks what made you drink? Of course your husband was upset. Wouldn't you be? Get back on the horse and make a renewed committment to stop drinking and tell your husband and let him know you need his support.

If all of you would let your husbands in on your plans to quit and show them this site, then the ball is in their court as far as how they want to react.

I don't mean to sound harsh, ladies, but this is how I see it... Don

[Guest]

After one month I have fallen again!

Yes, sure is a difficult one for those who have a spouse/partner where the couple have become firm drinking buddies and only one of them has any wish to quit........as some are finding, the partner who wishes to continue drinking mourns the loss of his/her drinking buddy, and will do all in their power to rekindle their former drinking camaraderie. Sorry!!!........but the partner who really loves you will be happy to drink on his/her own, without attempting to sabotage(as Don put it so perfectly) all your hard efforts at sobriety.

I know only too well what I`m talking about, as I left an alcoholic partner almost 2 yrs. ago..........don`t get me wrong........our shared love of drink wasn`t the only reason. However, I can honestly say that any time I saw him drunk when I was sober, I realized what a gibbering a***hole he was.........I couldn`t relate to him when I wasn`t drinking and finally admitted to myself that I had wasted 3 yrs. of my life, as the relationship was based on drink. To remain with him, I would have had to continue drinking, as he would never have been able to relate to my wanting a life as opposed to the oblivion we shared.

It is inevitable that we will change when we quit drinking, and our relationships with those close to us also change..........indeed, some relationships cannot withstand such a dramatic change. There`s a great deal at stake when we quit, but there`s a whole lot more to be gained. Relationships that happily ticked over before all the drinking began, are likely to survive one of the couple quitting, but where the drinking began at the same time as the relationship (as with myself and ex.), it is highly unlikely that such a relationship could withstand one of the couple quitting.

Jane, am only 43 days sober, and approach each new day with the same conviction I applied to my very first day. I can`t imagine throwing in the towel......just won`t allow myself to return to the Hell from which I have only recently escaped........think the best deterrent is to retain a mental image of the drunk we used to be.

Starlight Impress x

[trixietrack]

After one month I have fallen again!

Very good thread. I got a pain in my gut reading through all the posts. I am also in a situation where my partner encourages heavy drinking, I have been good at saying no many times but I tend to let myself go along wtih his suggestion that we get drunk almost every night.
My desire to cut down to a healthy level has opened my eyes to what is going on between my partner and I. ( I am not suggesting that you all leave your partners).
My relationship with my BF is mainly based on drinking. since I cut down on the drinking my partner and I have slowly grown apart. I am no longer his drinking buddy.
I feel I must let him go and begin a healthy new life.

[Guest]

After one month I have fallen again!

Sad for you Trix........I know how you feel........but you have to do what is best for yourself.......life is too short.

Starlight Impress x

[trixietrack]

After one month I have fallen again!

Thank you Starlight. it is sad but I feel a sense of relief as well. So I think it's the right thing.

Trix

[jane jane]

After one month I have fallen again!

I went to my very first-ever AA meeting at noon today. Listening to some of the others' stories made me so sad, but at the same time made me aware of how blessed I am to have a husband whose first concern is my health. True, we enjoyed a nice bottle of wine over dinner out each weekend---but he'd quit after 2 glasses, and I'd come home and head for more in the fridge. He can and does drink lightly, something I deeply envy. He'd quit if I asked him to join me in teetolaling---it would be no problem for him. But I hate to even ask; I feel weak and selfish.

I think I have to, though. He can still have a beer or bourbon-and-water---I'm not remotely tempted by anything but cold dry white wine!

Good advice about the mental image of me as Miss Lush. Humiliating, but if it helps stop that hand from creeping for the bottle...

[LindZee]

After one month I have fallen again!

This is such an interesting thread and I can identify so well.

My husband is also my drinking buddy and has been for almost 25 years. Over the years we have discussed drinking less but I never get the sense that it bothers him as much as it bothers me. He comes from a drinking family and I love them dearly but because of his background I just don?t think hubby considers our drinking much of a problem ...we have jobs, a house, take vacations, etc. so what?s the big deal? If he doesn?t start he?s okay but he never stops at one or two drinks. As I?ve been cutting down lately his excesses have bothered me a lot. I understand the process and know how hard it is to resist temptation but that doesn?t mean I don?t get really annoyed at him. I don?t like how his personality changes after a few drinks; he?s not abusive or anything but it?s just not him. We can?t enjoy a movie together because he will be passed out before it?s half over. And no point in starting a conversation when you know he won?t remember it in the morning.

I started a 30 day challenge without telling him about it. I want to quit (or moderate, not sure yet) and decided to do it whether he joins me or not. I am on day 7 AF and feel so good about myself and so good physically. The weird thing is my husband hasn?t even commented on the fact that I?m not drinking. I think he?s avoiding a discussion that might include talking about his own drinking problem. At least he hasn?t pushed me to drink, in fact he has been drinking less too. Sometimes our men can just sense what?s going on with us and adapt in their own way, or it?s probably that they don?t want to rock the boat. I know that eventually we will have that discussion but for now I will continue what I am doing. We have been getting along just fine, but we don?t talk about the drinking (or in my case, the not drinking).

It helps so much to have found this site and all the support here. I would not have gotten through the weekend without it. Just do what you have to do for yourself and maybe, just maybe he?ll surprise you.

Startlight, how did you get so smart? Your comments about the dynamic between drinking couples are just so articulate and right on.

LZ

[AudreyR]

After one month I have fallen again!

I could have written many of these myself.

I know all too well about having a drinker in my life. I know if I stay in this relationship, I won't stay sober. It's heartbreaking, but I have to end it. There's a better life out there for all of us. This site is so helpful, we really can help each other stay strong.
Best to all of you,
Aud

[Iwantout]

After one month I have fallen again!

Well, I'm back on track. Haven't had a single beer (I definitely make it a point not to drink anything during the weekdays, while attending classes, etc...). An office party is coming up for my husband this weekend and we are supposed to eat crabs and drink beer but I have my mind set on not drinking at all. My 'excuse' will be that I'm driving and cops are actually everywhere. My husband hasn't been drinking either since my post.
Thank you all for your support. I have made up my mind to try AF for a while.

[trixietrack]

After one month I have fallen again!

Iwanout Sounds great! and your excuse for not drink is a great one, no one can question that one.
AudreyR I am on the same track as you. Feeling strong and ready to end the this relationship based on being drunk and useless. Moving on to better things

hope we all succeed with our wishes/plans

Trix