My denial and dilemma

[OverIt2007]

I do not post everyday, but I come to the MWO site almost daily. Here is my problem (well one). I know deep in my heart and soul that I am either an alcoholic or at least a problem drinker. To be honest, I dont really care about the labels, I just know that drinking really messes my life up! Here is the thing. I can get a few days sobriety under my belt usually because I had a bad hangover or whatever, and just feel the need to "get it under control" and feel normal again. Ok so I have my few days of being sober, feeling fantastic, and then I literally seem to forget that I should not be drinking. I think its because for some, we are programmed to think that having a few drinks is a good thing, like a reward for doing well, or whatever. I am realizing that my habits are VERY STRONG, and this is going to be alot harder than I ever imagined. I feel like my entire being has to change in order for me to change. Like I literally have to become a new person, and that seems like a whole lot of work, and kinda scary! Anyways, I am venting today. Hey I ordered the book today!

[rustop61]

My denial and dilemma

Hi and welcome

You could be describing me. It is hard and even now at 21 Days AF the thought is still there, have a glass of wine as a reward! I am not taking the topa but am taking the supplements and have the cd's. I did 6 weeks AF last year so am aiming for 90 days which they say it takes to break a habit.

This is a great place so jump on board, I'm sure you will get so much out of it.

Rustop

[Phoenix74]

My denial and dilemma

ME TOO!!!!!

I'm feeling hard done by at the moment too.

Like you, it's just a part of my thinking that we should all be able to relax after a week's work with a nice glass of wine or chink chink the ice in my glass for Smirnoff is on its way. Everyone else seems to be doing it, so why can't I???????
I'm with you on that 100%.

It's hard. I'm Not helping at all I know. I would LOVE to sit down right now and enjoy a few drinks.
Only thing is, I honestly am terrified that if I do drink anything at all, I won't be able to stop.

I think I just CAN'T stop at one, two or even three...
Then I'm right back where I started last Saturday morning
with tears in my eyes saying
'Am I an ALCOHOLIC'? over and over again...

I'm just focusing on being here reading.
That's just about all that's making the minutes tick by for now.

I am afraid that I've got to completely change who I am in order to be able to conceive of a life where I can never take another glass and not give a s**t, and that's my struggle.

Then i think about the abstainers, hoping I could be one of them. Then I think of my husband. He would probably be terrified if I had a drink bcos I already acknowledged to him that I think I have an 'unhealthy relationship with alcohol'.

Now I'm feeling the pressure, and guiltily wish I hadn't told him I'm as bad as all that.

I wonder if I'm kidding myself, or not...

Prob not helped at all OverIt :upset:

[bootcampbarbie]

My denial and dilemma

ah well the supplements do make a huge difference and i do agree the mind is very tricky. it wants us to forget. that is why women can have more than one baby. and that is why we have sex again after having a baby. think about it. if you remembered what it was like trying to get that really really big body out of that very very very small hole, you would never in your life ever have sex again. in fact, you might be prone to go on a rage and poor fella would have to protect the jewels and sleep with one eye open always.

so, tis like that in my analogy. we forget what we do so we can continue to do it again. but that is why journaling is so helpful. because then you can read all about the pain. i have two journals. one where there are just a few pages. it has my writing when i've been drinking. which you can't really read at all. that's not pretty.
then the other has my writing all the pain i went through in all the hang overs my upset etc..... all of it. like this site but mine and then i can read it when i'm really really desperate. so over it congrats. i'm taking it you are on day 1 af?

[bane of noah]

My denial and dilemma

This is my first day. I'm hung over and stayed home from work. I've been fighting the same battle for years. I stay sober for 4 or 5 days (if I'm lucky) then boom! Next thing I know is I'm having drinks with friends or my husband and out of control. I really want to win this battle for myself and to be an example to my kids.

[OverIt2007]

My denial and dilemma

Thanks for your responses! Phoenix just by posting, you DO help! Noah, WELCOME here. I hope you feel better! Hey Barbie. As you know, I have been here a while, but for me changing is a sloooow process. Im looking forward to reading the book, and hoping that the supps help. Thats very true about having babies! (funny too). Why is it that we cant seem to remember the pain and misery we put ourselves through, and just reach for the poison instead? Yep..day one yet again. Also Barbie, I do keep some journals, but then I get afraid to read them sometimes. Im just afraid to change!

[Phoenix74]

My denial and dilemma

Hi Bane of Noah :welcome:

This is a great place to come, no matter what you're feeling or what you've done xxx

Hope you're feeling a bit better this evening


:new: too


Phoenix

[bootcampbarbie]

My denial and dilemma

2007 yep i know i've seen you for awhile. and i so get the changing part. the good barbie wants to change so desperately. the evil ugly twin barbie wants to remain in her wine and swizzle stick, numbing out and not thinking about life at all. and just having it all be quiet. sooo sooo odd. how many nites have i simply melted away? melted....... i'm grateful for your sharing though because i tell you it is one big fat humiliation when i look a the journal of my writing while intoxicated. oh my gawd. like wow, that is not pretty. it is really not pretty site. it is the equivalent of drunk texting yourself.

[slightlysuze]

My denial and dilemma

Oh Overit2007....that old 'reward' thing....I know it so well!:H

One of the best ideas I came across on MWO is that, in truth, alcohol is not a reward - it's a punishment. Because it does bad things to you....you could list them....you act stupid, you get aggressive, you say hurtful things to your loved ones, you get fat, you look like cr*p with a hangover, you drive under the influence and put yourself and others at risk...it goes on and on. Some reward!

IF you can moderate, and if you can take it or leave it and just enjoy one glass then, yes, it could be a 'reward'......but I think the problem is that if you have the reward-seeking personality (like I have!) then you tend to look for bigger and bigger rewards!!

Speaking for myself, I need to address why I feel I need 'rewards' for getting through life........hmmmm....that's a whole other can of worms!

I sympathise with you!

[Flip]

My denial and dilemma

I think the other thing that you are forgetting about is the PHYSICAL addiction. This isn't all about your will power and desire to be sober.

As a problem drinker you have got an addiction going on and that needs to be addressed as well as they behavioural/emotional stuff.

That is why this program is so holistic, and why there are persciption drugs you can get which will help a great deal.

Willpower alone, or a desire to stop drinking will rarely succeed on its own.

[nancy]

My denial and dilemma

What you write of is sooo common.

Why do people repeat actions knowing the negative outcomes, having experienced so many bad things? I think part of the problem is that booze is ubiquitious. It's hard to get away from. It takes a whole lot of strength to change.

I notice some people on this website are able to just cut it off and go AF. Others of us have to keep experimenting, trial and error, mostly error unfortunately. I do think that coming here and writing about your experiences makes the errors seem more glaring and prompts you do take the problem more seriously.

good luck with cutting back or quitting.