First time here, 13th hour without wine...

[littlewheel]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

Hey Taking Control

Taking Control;199513 wrote: Littlewheel,

You may want to try the hypno CD's from the MWO website. They seem to work well for many people, including myself. I highly recommend following all the advise from the MWO book. Each piece of advise of from the supplements, exercise, loads of water, and hypno CD's, etc. are a piece of this complicated puzzle.

One component that I've added is a personal journal about this journey. In the beginnig, I wrote down every benefit I experienced being AF. I write down quotes from posts of other MWO members. I write down WHY being AF is important to me. When I am struggling, I reread my journal and my determination is renewed. I am by no means totally AF, but my drinking habits and attitude have changed drastically since I began working the MWO program.

My best to you,
TC

Thanks for the advice to write down every benefit. I will try the same. Why is being AF important to you? What are you doing with your sober time? How much/often are you drinkng now? I am wondering if I can maybe just try to control the amount/frequency and not give up completely...I won't have any today though...I am trying to get to a week then a month...baby steps at the moment...
littlewheel

[Guest]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

Hi littlewheel,
Here is a brief outline of my history at M.W.O.

I joined the site in March.......spent several weeks, glass in hand, reading all of the success stories, constantly thinking, "if only I could do that".........I wasn`t then prepared to accept that I could indeed quit..........it upset me to think that I myself had to do the quitting........the wealth of love and support I found here was overwhelming, but the hard fact remained that one has to do the quitting for oneself.........well, I couldn`t handle that idea, could I??........so, this (not so) smart arse decided that there was no real need for me to quit entirely, because, I could drink moderately, right??........not so!!!

So, then followed my "valiant" attempt at mods. For anyone planning on moderating, the programme recommends an initial 30 day period of abs.........this 30 day alcohol free stint was yet another idea I wasn`t then prepared to accept, so I just jumped into mods straight away, never having went AF for the suggested 30 days. I must say, I was good at mods........initially!!! I lasted around 6 wks. with mods........the first few weeks, I managed only to drink on Fri. and/or Sat. nights, but it wasn`t long before I was back to drinking every night, because I deserved a treat, I`d worked hard, I`d had a personal upset, oh just..............because I`m an alcoholic and the kind of alcoholic who finds mods the proverbial "slippery slope".

So, I had failed at mods, and found myself left with 2 choices.......I could either conveniently forget all about M.W.O. and go back to my slow death of nightly drinking as before, or............I could quit drinking altogether. Quit drinking altogether???!!!..........shock horror!!! However, after much soul searching, I decided to quit.........I do not regret that decision.

From reading your posts littlewheel, I get the impression that you are wondering about the possibility of mods for yourself. No offence intended, but to be perfectly honest, considering the amount and frequency of your drinking, I cannot imagine that you would be able to moderate successfully at this time, nor immediately after abstaining for just 30 days.........I tell you this from my own experience.

Reteacher/Mary posted several weeks ago that she had read that it takes 90 days to break a habit........our psychological dependency on alcohol is just such a habit. I very much believe this theory now, as at 58 days sober, I fully appreciate that I am nowhere near "out of the woods".........I continue to approach each day as if it were my 1st AF. I remain accutely aware that mentally, I still afford what I term "romantic illusion" to wine, because the thought "wouldn`t it be lovely" still haunts me. However, I consider myself relatively "safe", as I have developed a particularly "hard" attitude to drink now.........I simply despise it for all the "lost" years and the devastation it inflicted upon my past life.

When I first came to the site, I recall toughintexas saying that "quitting is not for sissies".........never has a truer word been said. I can honestly say, that quitting drinking 58 days ago, is the most difficult, heart-wrenching, gut-spilling thing I have ever chosen to do in my entire life........it has also been one of the most rewarding things I have chosen to do to date.

I no longer suffer from any huge cravings, although admittedly, "the thought" remains in my head.........I now recognize it as simply a thought and know beyond any doubt that my steely determination will continue to beat that wicked thought..........I wouldn`t stick my hand in an open fire.........to drink would cause myself equal damage.

Yes, it`s been a most trying road and I know the remainder of that road stretches before me, its mileage unknown. I only know that I am free for now and happy to stay the course............a life without alcohol really is like entering a whole new world.

Starlight Impress x

[Finding My Self]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

Littlewheel - Hello. I am sorry to have 'missed' this thread....blind!!?!

It's humbling to read 4 pages all at once and see your courage and conviction. I wish you ALL the best. Just plod on until the plod becomes a skip...coz it will.. This will seem to be an unsung achievement by many but not to us; not one of us here will do anything but sing a huge chorus of praises to / with you!!! It's tough but worth every wobbly step. YOU CAN DO IT.

If you'll allow me I will print off these pages....your story and other's (Lady of the North * - wow; you've filled in so much detail) are real supports, reminders, think-making.... At 121 days I feel a very different person. I wonder at myself but I still wonder about moderating one day...BUT. And that BUT is reinforced very gratefully by these stories.... Despite not missing it at all (just want to 'prove' to myself I'm not an 'alcoholic' - why? is a whole lot of stuff not for here, now, and anyway I don't know the answer yet!!!!!) One thing I can state categorically is that I never want to go back to those days of disgust and shame whilst drinking or agrophobia (BIG in the first week AF but it passed), obsession (with the whole subject) and hypersensitivity - especially in that first 3 weeks or so (IT PASSES!) so if that's AF, I'm on the road! ..... And, yes, you really do need a BIG dollop of AF before trying.... a whole heap of thought changes need the time to happen (if they can) around booze.... There are no promises I'm afraid... (The stuff still scares me...and I'm not sorry for that! A healthy respect?!?)

And yes, I can confirm that for me it was 90 days before I felt a REAL change in that the whole obsession thing (not just with wanting booze but the whole 'how am I thinking about it now?' kind of stuff). In fact 100 days was a real turning point for me....not long ago yet so I'm still carrying on with my new (happy with) habit of ODAT - One Day At A Time... It does work....121 one days at a time!! And others here have 1,000's of days like that - but you know, it's not a bad way of living life! We've only got today anyway! The yesterdays have gone and tomorrow will be a today so.... I knew it was a goody way of being but didn't really make it happen before - hence I got stressed out and scared - hence I made the choice to drink on it.... If only I'd known how important it was for me to live ODAT from birth I might never have HAD to do it! But blessings come in a variety of guises and I'm strangely grateful!!

(*Lady of the North is what those of us in the Uk sometimes have to call ********* ******* from Glasgow coz the page expires if we write even the first 4 characters!! Sorry ****, weird isn't it!?!)

So, I send you loads of luck and love, Littlewheel. I found this in my major paper clear out yesterday and I send it with love for a bit of a larf....!


"I try to live life one day at a time but sometimes several days seem to fly at me all at once!!"

Duck! Head down and ODAT!!

(And the fact that your post is measured in hours, to me, is a very good sign! I did minutes sometimes!!)

FMF xx :l

[bloggy]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

littlewheel;199719 wrote: Hi Marbella,
Thanks for the info on valerian. Do you know, is Chamomile tea a sedative too? Any other natural ones that you know of? I just feel like my brain is on overdrive this morning (certainly don't need to make any cofffee to wake up today). I know this is my brain waking up again...hypersensitive, hyperactive...I feel better though (for now).

I watched t.v last night until my eyes were falling out, then crashed at about 2a.m my time...I think I am like you with the first 48 hours. I feel so paranoid (maybe even agoraphobic too?) that I can't get out my front door to go shopping or anything...doe that subside? I know for my last 6 day stint, I was still scared to go out (I rang in sick to work for a week and had a week's groceries in the house to keep me going) My neighbour-lady noticed my car not going anywhere and rang to check I was alive. I lied and said I had the flu and a bad back all at once...God.

I admire you being able to just have a few drinks each day...I know I can't do that...I have tried...one night I can do the one or two and put a cork back in the bottle...but then the next I can't even come home to the house knowing there's only half a bottle (my sick brain yells "what if you need more than that" "you are going to need more than that tonight, you had a stressful day at work/ drive/encounter with colleague/parents etc" .

It has been 33 hours since my last wine. I just woke up. 8 hours solid zombie sleep. All my muscles hurt. My tummy, liver ? kidneys? My tongue looks and feels like dirty carpet. I don't have to work today...I am just working up the courage to go out for more juice and vitamins...there is a supermarket without a booze attachment (lucky for me)...it has a health store near it too...

So Marbella, thanks again...may I ask, how long have you been AF for any one time?(It helps me to think that there are other real people that can do this) If so, do you have any tips for getting past day 6 (my record)? What do you do with the extra non-drunk vegetative time?
bye,
littlewheel

Hi Again LittleWheel

I am glad you are feeling a bit better.

As far as I know Chamomile Tea is great for settling upset stomachs.
Here is Spain a popular calming brew is 'Tila' which is Lindenflower Tea, I have found a cup of this without anything added to be very relaxing.

I also would get terrible paranoia after big benders, I put it down to my nerves being totally shot. I would not be able to go anywhere incase somebody spoke to me.

However I did find after 48 hours this would pass, then I would probably go another 48 feeling very fragile but somewhat better, until the fifth day when I would be OK. That would last a few days until the memory of how bad it was would pass, a personal crisis or a celebration would come along and the whole sorry cycle would begin again.

I was not always that bad- for about 15 years I drank heavily but in social settings, I worked as a barmaid (or bartender to Americans) in a Spanish holiday resort then later had my own bar, so it was very much part of the job.
(I did go AF for two years during this period as I was getting panic attacks and generally felt like crap- the doctor gave me tranquilizers, told me to stop, and I did. At the time I did not realise my drinking was any worse than anyone elses, as everybody round here drinks like a fish. After 2 years I became friendly with an alcoholic, and started drinking again myself; slowly at first but it was only a matter of months before I was back to my old ways).

My real bad drinking times ironically began when I gave up the bar work- my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and between his being diagnosed and 6 months ago, I became really bad with my drinking.

I do not know if it was his illness and subsequent death that set me off or if it would have progressed that way anyway.

I picked myself up a little bit last May when a good friend died suddenly due to drinking. She was 48.

I went on a 10 day bender after she died and eventually woke up on top of a pile of rubbish on a housing estate about 2 miles from my home.
This was my wake up call- (finally, I hear you all say!) and I went to the doctor.

I went AF for 3 weeks, without any real help, just a check in with the doctor every week. I began again at a party ( I only had one beer) and generally all summer I have not done too badly drinking mostly moderately with quite a few AF days, until 3 weeks ago when my alcoholic friend died, I went on another 5 day bender, which led to me looking for answers yet again, and I ended up here. The supplements are definitely helping me. My cravings are reduced, I do not take the Topamax, just supplements and trying to eat as much nutritious food as possible.

I have no doubts in my mind that I should not be attempting to moderate- I have done that before and cannot stick to it for any real length of time. A crisis or death occurs- and off I go again! :upset:

However I am working in a job until the end of September where I have become accustomed to drinking 2 or 3 beers a night, so have decided to continue with this until I finish my current job, and have a total routine change when I will begin my AF stint. I am hoping I will enjoy my AF time so much that I do not want to attempt moderating again.

When I went AF for two years, it took about 4 months before the cravings began to subside. After 7, they had disappeared completely, and I never ever thought about drink!

That is the place I want to be again. :fingers:

As for free time, I can spend hours on the net doing various things, blogging, reading blogs, I do a bit of internet marketing which brings in a bit of extra cash, and I have found if I do not allow myself go to the computer until bewitching hour it really helps!
I am so looking forward to catching up on emails and the sites I visit, that thoughts of drink disappear and by the time I am getting bored of that I am tired and go to bed.
So i guess fill your time with your second favourite thing? Internet, films, books?


That is my plan of action for when I finish my job. (It also makes the day a lot more productive when I am not sat at the PC all day)
I am not very socialable when I don't drink. I do have a number of non drinking friends, but I can't really be bothered. Am happier to come to forums or chat online away from temptation- although I can manage the odd visit with them during the day.


Good luck with your progress. When I look at myself today compared to a year ago, I have come an awful long way, although nowhere near where I eventually want to be!

Marby x

[trixietrack]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

welcome little wheel. the beginning is really rough and confusing. The anxiety is awful.
starting off by reading the book and taking supplements and drinking lots and lots of water will get your head clear.
first work on that.
Read the posts here, especially the ones from people who are now doing well like starlight impress, then you can get an idea of the progression of getting healthy and back on your feet.
Please keep in touch and express your feelings or comments here that is another way to get rid of negative thoughts and urges.

[OverIt2007]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

Hey LittleWheel. I was thinking about you today. How are you doing????? Please keep posting or reading. Hope your doing ok.

[Taking Control]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

Thanks for the advice to write down every benefit. I will try the same. Why is being AF important to you? What are you doing with your sober time? How much/often are you drinkng now? I am wondering if I can maybe just try to control the amount/frequency and not give up completely...I won't have any today though...I am trying to get to a week then a month...baby steps at the moment...
littlewheel

LittleWheel,

My WHY is because I finally came to the realization that I can never become the person I want to be if I continue to abuse alcohol on a daily basis. My family, health, spiritual, and career goals will only be wishes if I don't take the first step and remove the barrier that is stunting my growth. If I don't change, nothing can change in my life.

During the time I'd normally drink, I try to keep busy. For me this means I must plan ahead to make sure my hands are not idle. Do you have any hobbies that you' like to take up? Any area of interest that you'd like to do further research? House projects? I'll bet you could come up with a list of at least 25 things you'd like to do.

My best to you,
tc

[betty boop]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

OverIt2007;200450 wrote: Hey LittleWheel. I was thinking about you today. How are you doing????? Please keep posting or reading. Hope your doing ok.

I was just about to say the same thing ....

PLease check in for us .....

[Taking Control]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

Oh, on the amount and frequency - out of the last 30 days, I have had 20 AF and 10 mods. My mods are 3 - 5 drinks per occassion...probably not really mods but it's way better than it has been.

My goal currently is to have 5 AF and 2 mods per week and gradually going to 6 - 7 AF per week.

tc

[littlewheel]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

littlewheel flew off the wagon this week...o.k. now though:

Starlight Impress;199811 wrote: Hi littlewheel,
Here is a brief outline of my history at M.W.O.

I joined the site in March.......spent several weeks, glass in hand, reading all of the success stories, constantly thinking, "if only I could do that".........I wasn`t then prepared to accept that I could indeed quit..........it upset me to think that I myself had to do the quitting........the wealth of love and support I found here was overwhelming, but the hard fact remained that one has to do the quitting for oneself.........well, I couldn`t handle that idea, could I??........so, this (not so) smart arse decided that there was no real need for me to quit entirely, because, I could drink moderately, right??........not so!!!

So, then followed my "valiant" attempt at mods. For anyone planning on moderating, the programme recommends an initial 30 day period of abs.........this 30 day alcohol free stint was yet another idea I wasn`t then prepared to accept, so I just jumped into mods straight away, never having went AF for the suggested 30 days. I must say, I was good at mods........initially!!! I lasted around 6 wks. with mods........the first few weeks, I managed only to drink on Fri. and/or Sat. nights, but it wasn`t long before I was back to drinking every night, because I deserved a treat, I`d worked hard, I`d had a personal upset, oh just..............because I`m an alcoholic and the kind of alcoholic who finds mods the proverbial "slippery slope".

So, I had failed at mods, and found myself left with 2 choices.......I could either conveniently forget all about M.W.O. and go back to my slow death of nightly drinking as before, or............I could quit drinking altogether. Quit drinking altogether???!!!..........shock horror!!! However, after much soul searching, I decided to quit.........I do not regret that decision.

From reading your posts littlewheel, I get the impression that you are wondering about the possibility of mods for yourself. No offence intended, but to be perfectly honest, considering the amount and frequency of your drinking, I cannot imagine that you would be able to moderate successfully at this time, nor immediately after abstaining for just 30 days.........I tell you this from my own experience.

Reteacher/Mary posted several weeks ago that she had read that it takes 90 days to break a habit........our psychological dependency on alcohol is just such a habit. I very much believe this theory now, as at 58 days sober, I fully appreciate that I am nowhere near "out of the woods".........I continue to approach each day as if it were my 1st AF. I remain accutely aware that mentally, I still afford what I term "romantic illusion" to wine, because the thought "wouldn`t it be lovely" still haunts me. However, I consider myself relatively "safe", as I have developed a particularly "hard" attitude to drink now.........I simply despise it for all the "lost" years and the devastation it inflicted upon my past life.

When I first came to the site, I recall toughintexas saying that "quitting is not for sissies".........never has a truer word been said. I can honestly say, that quitting drinking 58 days ago, is the most difficult, heart-wrenching, gut-spilling thing I have ever chosen to do in my entire life........it has also been one of the most rewarding things I have chosen to do to date.

I no longer suffer from any huge cravings, although admittedly, "the thought" remains in my head.........I now recognize it as simply a thought and know beyond any doubt that my steely determination will continue to beat that wicked thought..........I wouldn`t stick my hand in an open fire.........to drink would cause myself equal damage.

Yes, it`s been a most trying road and I know the remainder of that road stretches before me, its mileage unknown. I only know that I am free for now and happy to stay the course............a life without alcohol really is like entering a whole new world.

Starlight Impress x
Hi Starlight!
I am so glad that you wrote again. Your messages mean alot to me. You are right about trying to moderate, I can't. I have been thinking (in between insane behaviour, palpitations and hangovers) about how you all are continuing to be alcohol free while I assault myself with poison.
I have been missing this week because I have been drinking again this week...I only lasted about 3 days off wine...this last disgusting binge has pushed me to go to a doctor this morning...I called in sick at the last minute to one of my jobs (if they fire me, it doesn't matter, I had to have some sort of crazy push today to even get me out of the house for help)...I went to a crowded medical centre...I waited in line for 3 hours with a foul hangover (the last one for me), surrounded by "genuinely" sick people, until it dawned on me that I am sick. This daily poisoning of myself is no-joke. It is not normal. I need professional help, I can't try to do it on my own anymore.
The doctor was very understanding...I got a referral to a psychologist specialising in alcohol...I hope I can get an appointment as soon as possible...Not doing it on my own also means logging in here every day...
I can see clearly that one of my jobs (surprise surprise, bar tending!:upset: ) will have to go. I don't drink on the job but do afterwards alone at home to "calm down" after being locked up with all the regulars, same faces, same crazy drunk behaviour every shift... It was the trigger/excuse this week for me to hit the bottle...the doctor agreed that it isn't the best environment as my observation of others drinking (and uncontrolled gambling) "makes alcoholism appear to be normal behavior"...the doctor said it isn't normal to drink every day...this is the insane bit...my brain does not know what "normal" is then. I don't remember it. I didn't feel the need to hammer myself when I was 10 years old, so why do I go on with it now? I can't remember at the moment...that thought is making me sick...
Thank you again for your thoughts and info. The doctor wants to reassess my progress in 90 days time. I hope that I have changed by then. The thought that I will be checked up on for real next time I go to the doctors is now sinking into my mind...I am now answerable to someone who knows my dirty secret and is trying to help me...it is good to have that follow up coming down the line...I can't afford a rehab visit, but this is the best I can do with what I have around me...
Interestingly, I asked the doctor for "valium or something to help get me through the first part of withdrawal", the doctor said "No. Valium binds to the same receptors in your brain as alcohol, you'll develop a Valium problem" I didn't argue. One substance problem is enough for me.
Cold turkey it is! Here we go...now 16 hours alcohol free. My usual time to start is around now. But I am not going to do it. Not tonight.
sweating and shaking all over again this week, littlewheel.

[littlewheel]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

I am in awe! 121 days is like the moon to me;

Finding My Feet;199828 wrote: Littlewheel - Hello. I am sorry to have 'missed' this thread....blind!!?!

It's humbling to read 4 pages all at once and see your courage and conviction. I wish you ALL the best. Just plod on until the plod becomes a skip...coz it will.. This will seem to be an unsung achievement by many but not to us; not one of us here will do anything but sing a huge chorus of praises to / with you!!! It's tough but worth every wobbly step. YOU CAN DO IT.

If you'll allow me I will print off these pages....your story and other's (Lady of the North * - wow; you've filled in so much detail) are real supports, reminders, think-making.... At 121 days I feel a very different person. I wonder at myself but I still wonder about moderating one day...BUT. And that BUT is reinforced very gratefully by these stories.... Despite not missing it at all (just want to 'prove' to myself I'm not an 'alcoholic' - why? is a whole lot of stuff not for here, now, and anyway I don't know the answer yet!!!!!) One thing I can state categorically is that I never want to go back to those days of disgust and shame whilst drinking or agrophobia (BIG in the first week AF but it passed), obsession (with the whole subject) and hypersensitivity - especially in that first 3 weeks or so (IT PASSES!) so if that's AF, I'm on the road! ..... And, yes, you really do need a BIG dollop of AF before trying.... a whole heap of thought changes need the time to happen (if they can) around booze.... There are no promises I'm afraid... (The stuff still scares me...and I'm not sorry for that! A healthy respect?!?)

And yes, I can confirm that for me it was 90 days before I felt a REAL change in that the whole obsession thing (not just with wanting booze but the whole 'how am I thinking about it now?' kind of stuff). In fact 100 days was a real turning point for me....not long ago yet so I'm still carrying on with my new (happy with) habit of ODAT - One Day At A Time... It does work....121 one days at a time!! And others here have 1,000's of days like that - but you know, it's not a bad way of living life! We've only got today anyway! The yesterdays have gone and tomorrow will be a today so.... I knew it was a goody way of being but didn't really make it happen before - hence I got stressed out and scared - hence I made the choice to drink on it.... If only I'd known how important it was for me to live ODAT from birth I might never have HAD to do it! But blessings come in a variety of guises and I'm strangely grateful!!

(*Lady of the North is what those of us in the Uk sometimes have to call ********* ******* from Glasgow coz the page expires if we write even the first 4 characters!! Sorry ****, weird isn't it!?!)

So, I send you loads of luck and love, Littlewheel. I found this in my major paper clear out yesterday and I send it with love for a bit of a larf....!


"I try to live life one day at a time but sometimes several days seem to fly at me all at once!!"

Duck! Head down and ODAT!!

(And the fact that your post is measured in hours, to me, is a very good sign! I did minutes sometimes!!)

FMF xx :l

Hi FMF!
Thanks for the message. I have just some back to read this week after slipping to the dark side for a couple of days. I can't tell you how much in awe I am to think about you at 121+ days. Thanks for the info on the agoraphobia aspect! I am so so glad to hear it passes...I am happy that you like the thread, though it has gotten bumpy this week...2 steps forward, one giant slide on my bum back to hangover-hell... then finally getting myself to a doctor (and so hopefullly some neutral outside reckoning finally) this morning.
littlewheel:thanks:

[littlewheel]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

Hey Marby

marbella;199999 wrote: Hi Again LittleWheel

I am glad you are feeling a bit better.

As far as I know Chamomile Tea is great for settling upset stomachs.
Here is Spain a popular calming brew is 'Tila' which is Lindenflower Tea, I have found a cup of this without anything added to be very relaxing.

I also would get terrible paranoia after big benders, I put it down to my nerves being totally shot. I would not be able to go anywhere incase somebody spoke to me.

However I did find after 48 hours this would pass, then I would probably go another 48 feeling very fragile but somewhat better, until the fifth day when I would be OK. That would last a few days until the memory of how bad it was would pass, a personal crisis or a celebration would come along and the whole sorry cycle would begin again.

I was not always that bad- for about 15 years I drank heavily but in social settings, I worked as a barmaid (or bartender to Americans) in a Spanish holiday resort then later had my own bar, so it was very much part of the job.
(I did go AF for two years during this period as I was getting panic attacks and generally felt like crap- the doctor gave me tranquilizers, told me to stop, and I did. At the time I did not realise my drinking was any worse than anyone elses, as everybody round here drinks like a fish. After 2 years I became friendly with an alcoholic, and started drinking again myself; slowly at first but it was only a matter of months before I was back to my old ways).

My real bad drinking times ironically began when I gave up the bar work- my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and between his being diagnosed and 6 months ago, I became really bad with my drinking.

I do not know if it was his illness and subsequent death that set me off or if it would have progressed that way anyway.

I picked myself up a little bit last May when a good friend died suddenly due to drinking. She was 48.

I went on a 10 day bender after she died and eventually woke up on top of a pile of rubbish on a housing estate about 2 miles from my home.
This was my wake up call- (finally, I hear you all say!) and I went to the doctor.

I went AF for 3 weeks, without any real help, just a check in with the doctor every week. I began again at a party ( I only had one beer) and generally all summer I have not done too badly drinking mostly moderately with quite a few AF days, until 3 weeks ago when my alcoholic friend died, I went on another 5 day bender, which led to me looking for answers yet again, and I ended up here. The supplements are definitely helping me. My cravings are reduced, I do not take the Topamax, just supplements and trying to eat as much nutritious food as possible.

I have no doubts in my mind that I should not be attempting to moderate- I have done that before and cannot stick to it for any real length of time. A crisis or death occurs- and off I go again! :upset:

However I am working in a job until the end of September where I have become accustomed to drinking 2 or 3 beers a night, so have decided to continue with this until I finish my current job, and have a total routine change when I will begin my AF stint. I am hoping I will enjoy my AF time so much that I do not want to attempt moderating again.

When I went AF for two years, it took about 4 months before the cravings began to subside. After 7, they had disappeared completely, and I never ever thought about drink!

That is the place I want to be again. :fingers:

As for free time, I can spend hours on the net doing various things, blogging, reading blogs, I do a bit of internet marketing which brings in a bit of extra cash, and I have found if I do not allow myself go to the computer until bewitching hour it really helps!
I am so looking forward to catching up on emails and the sites I visit, that thoughts of drink disappear and by the time I am getting bored of that I am tired and go to bed.
So i guess fill your time with your second favourite thing? Internet, films, books?


That is my plan of action for when I finish my job. (It also makes the day a lot more productive when I am not sat at the PC all day)
I am not very socialable when I don't drink. I do have a number of non drinking friends, but I can't really be bothered. Am happier to come to forums or chat online away from temptation- although I can manage the odd visit with them during the day.


Good luck with your progress. When I look at myself today compared to a year ago, I have come an awful long way, although nowhere near where I eventually want to be!

Marby x
Hi again Marby,
Thanks for the message. I am sorry to hear about your Dad and friend :l . It must have been very hard to deal with.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone with the crazy intial paranoia! I am reassured to hear it will subside.
starting over again this week, littlewheel.

[littlewheel]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

Marby,

marbella;199455 wrote: Hi LittleWheel

I too was too embarrassed to go to a doctor, but after waking up in May this year on a rubbish dump, I decided I had to.

To be honest he wasn't much help- by the time I had got to him the horrendous initial hangover had passed (I could not have got there while I had it- about 48 hours till the worse had passed). He offered me antebuse or tranquilizers, I refused both, but I did make a few more appointments afterwards, because as you say, the checking in bit strengthens your resolve.

Later due to work commitments/moving house I did not make any more appointments, at the moment I am having a few drinks everyday until the end of this month when I plan to stop completely for a while then see if I can moderate- indeed if I even want to by then.

I am sure you cannot overdose on valerian- it seems one woman did but she took between 40 or 50 capsules. I am sure 3 to 5 will do you plenty of good, and tomorrow already things will look brighter.

Hi Marby,
Just a thought. I too have woken up post-binge-blackout outside...quite a few times...even once in the snow (I might be the luckiest person right there to even be alive? It would be funny if it weren't so scary). I should have realised something was a bit off kilter then...at least you paid attention to your scariest moment...
littlewheel

[littlewheel]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

Thanks Trixietrack

trixietrack;200057 wrote: welcome little wheel. the beginning is really rough and confusing. The anxiety is awful.
starting off by reading the book and taking supplements and drinking lots and lots of water will get your head clear.
first work on that.
Read the posts here, especially the ones from people who are now doing well like starlight impress, then you can get an idea of the progression of getting healthy and back on your feet.
Please keep in touch and express your feelings or comments here that is another way to get rid of negative thoughts and urges.

Thanks for the advice
littlewheel

[Finding My Self]

First time here, 13th hour without wine...

Littlewheel - hpw good to hear from you..... Obviously it's not nice for any of us to 'have' to say that because we're glad you're back because of a drink problem..... but it is good coz I'd hate to think of you somewhere out there really succumbing to the firewater on your own.

So..... right. Now....yup, all those shakes and things again but, the only way is through and you know it passes now so that's good. And I think your resolve will be greater now - and I'll say my backstitch analogy again......

In sewing, the tacking stitch is used because it's quick and easy to remove.... To make the seam strong and useable, use the backstitch...the backstitch prevents unravelling and gives strength.

So, one big backstitch this week for you! Just remember that in life (thak goodness!) we don't have to do a backstitch every time/day!! They'll happen from time to time in various ways (letting someone put us down or having a litle white lie actually hurt someone...you know - life stuff!!!) But that's why I think you need to look on last week as a sort of blessing.... it's got you a lot of valuable awareness and some medical support and that's always wise...

And got you back here! We're all here for you.... things are going to be better from now on. And I am grateful to you for coming back and telling your story and reminding me of where not to go! (Bit macabre that - sorry! Gratitude at the expense of your week.... ?!?!? But you'll discover what I mean as you progress and read other stories that 'come in'.... We're all here for each other learning from all the various experiences.)

So, Littlewheel - I wish you all the best. I hope the shakes aren't too awful...sweet tea helped me - UGH! but it did for a few days...Give us a hint on your country so we can suggest things that are easier to get? (Really frustrating to read, 'Get so-and-so...' and discover it's only available 12,000 miles away!!!) You know the withdrawal symptoms pass now so they'll be easier and let us know all the things you discover about yourself as you take this journey. Believe me they get even better after day 5.....lots of exciting things to discover way down the line! (yes, some painful but better out than in!) It really is worth stcking at it! Focis on the exciting things! (And share the cringy realisations too!...oooh yes, we've all been there!!!!

Brave and courageous lady - love and hugs.
FMF xx