Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

[bloggy]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Blondie Grrl

I agree with you totally- in an ideal world we would be able to discuss everything with our partners on an honest level.

I was referring to my own relationship, which is far from ideal, and for that reason I would prefer we both carry on as though all is OK.

However although our relationship is not ideal, I love my BF and do not want to finish it.

But I was only talking about my own situation, and not what I think is correct or would wish for everyone!

Marby x

[Cinders]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Blondie, Marbella, Phoenix,

When we talk about non-alcoholic spouses, we hit on a very sensitive spot. I have been very candid with my husband. He and I talk openly about my problem. I sometimes read the posts from MWO.

However, if he EVER started monitoring me or policing me, I would be furious. I need support, love and help. I do not need policing, pushing, telling.

If he did that, I would push back BIG time and it would be destructive to me and to him. Damn, I am rebellious to the point of self-destruct!!

I think he knows it and I think your spouses know it, too. That is why they seem kind of "hands off" on the subject. Their help is in being there for you but not in enforcing.

Yes or no?

Cindi

[bloggy]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Yes Cindi,

Thanks I agree.

I don't know if he is being purposefully understanding or if he knows I would absolutely explode and therefore treads carefully.

But, as I said, with him, I would rather the subject was pushed under the carpet.

That way, from my point of view in the future we can pretend it was just a hiccup due to stress, and not a flawed part of my personality.

(Rather in the same way I do not want my grandmother to know the truth:-)

[jane jane]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Hi all---

Arrived late to this thread but oh my, does it ever resonate with me. Wonderful, concerned husband and all. I can SO identify!

I abhor the AA approach---tried it, will not go back---and I do depend upon my loving spouse to help me lick this demon, but...

Our "big talk" was so scary. He said, "I can't stay married to a drinker." Then the next day he said, "I can't imagine life without you, you have so many terrific qualities, so let's get busy and solve this together." Like it is a math problem! I so SO SO wish it were that easy.

I stay AF for weeks, then drift back to old ways...hide my empties ever more cleverly each time.

Jane

[Blondie_grrrl]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Hmmm....interesting direction. When I read your post above, Cindi, I thought "Well, darn, she's scrappy! That could be part of the problem!" but then I realized 1) well, sure enough, scrappy describes me too -- although luckily I am not angry/scrappy when I drink, and b) it sounds like what is helpful in your situation is that you are honest and open -- thus, no need to be monitored. I think my lack of clarity about what I need from my hubby comes from my own ambivalence, my own confusion about what I need from him AND how I feel about my situation. An example: my husband's mother has a very serious and difficult to manage mental illness. My husband feels sad for her but certainly doesn't think she needs to "snap out of it" (been far too long for any of those hopes) or blame her. I don't think he -- let me clarify -- I don't think I want to think of my problem drinking in the same manner (a la AA's philosophy). So part of me thinks, yea, I should be able to power through this and get control of it, but then when I start thinking, thinking, thinking of the red wine beckoning to me (like right now!!), I fear letting him know how little control I feel I have .... Wowie, so sorry for the illogical train(s) of thought. I wonder in the "new MWO member guidelines" it warns "be prepared: at first you won't be able to make sense of your thoughts"? Regardless, thanks to you all for the food for thought.

[Blondie_grrrl]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Jane, glad you jumped in. I read with great fear the comment: "I can't stay married to a drinker." I have been married only two years and it has been wonderful. We have an amazing life together and I don't know what I would do if .... if this thing came between us that seriously. Yikes. Luckily my husband's a true believer in the 'til death vow (I come from a long line of divorcees)...I can't possibly let my red wine be more important than my marriage.

[jane jane]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Blondie (love that name, by the way; my family had a very quirky but lovable Cocker spaniel called just that when I was young!) I didn't mean to scare you. My husband (of 25 years!) spoke those words out of fear, not judgment. And, of course, I can see his point. It must be appalling to watch someone self-destruct.

"Normal" drinkers think we problem drinkers can just quit, tra-la, if we "want to" badly enough. Oh, if only. I think, for them, drink is just not seductive; it's a pleasure, an occasional lark, but by no means the centrepiece of their days, the way it is with us. That is hard for them to understand.


I wish I had answers for you (and myself!) But we are starting with a huge advantage that many here, sadly, do not have: good men who love us and want to help. I guess we have to help them help us, even if it means humbling ourselves and admitting a weakness.

[Blondie_grrrl]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Hi Jane! Glad you re-posted; felt I responded in a self-absorbed way to your previous post, and meant to wish you well in your struggles instead of only thinking of myself.

I agree -- we are so very lucky to be in relationships with men who want us to be well & want to be supportive. It is really hard for my husband to relate to the inability to "turn off the switch" and I know he struggles with the balance between letting me do my thing (i.e., watching me drink too much and worrying about it) and expressing himself (i.e., letting me know how much I am making him worry). If you don't mind my asking: when in your marriage did you realize you had drinking problems? Have you as a couple been dealing with it for the duration of your marriage?

PS. The avatar I chose reminds me of my pup, a funny little mixed breed dog with a furrowed brow.

[Phoenix74]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

WOW

This thread is amazing, so much going on with all our dialogue. I think we're amazing the lot of us

QUOTATION FROM MARBELLA
"I wonder if the reason they don't ask about feelings etc, is because it is kind of a taboo subject"

It really is a taboo subject. There's a lot of truth that as Marbella says pushing it under the carpet is easier for them than confronting/dealing with it, without owning it as their problem for them to fix.

QUOTATION FROM BLONDIE
"and there's some evidence out there that fear of conflict is damaging to relationships (i.e., the we just don't talk about it approach) because you miss the opportunity to get more intimate/trusting with each other"

Definitely true... No partner or husband is 'stupid' to the point of not realising there's a difficulty with their other half's drinking. When you don't acknowledge it at all, it turns into a big white elephant trundling round the house between you. Intimacy is lost because you're both treading gently with each other, but for very different reasons/motivations; and there's a very thin line between 'treading gently', and 'walking on eggshells'. When it's like that, it's next to impossible to talk about anything other than 'how was your day at work?' and 'looks like rain' etc

QUOTATION FROM db2fromala
"I need support, love and help. I do not need policing, pushing, telling"

What Cindi says is too true. We do not need or deserve to be treated like errant teenagers. We are our partners' equals. We have a problem, yes, but we're not inferior. Poking and prodding and demanding or threatening or issuing ultimata is counter-productive in the extreme.

QUOTATION FROM JANE JANE
"I stay AF for weeks, then drift back to old ways...hide my empties ever more cleverly each time"

As Jane said, this can happen after we've had the talk, started a program, set goals, had good intentions, succeeded to a degree, then - - - decided we felt/acknowledged after all, that we were failing. Then hiding the bottles gets done because partner or hubby already knows everything, and now we don't want him to know we've failed at it.

It's hard to get it right isn't girls. I felt just so lonesome one of the nights this week. Didn't know whether to talk to him and later worry that he was worried by what I said. Or not talk to him and try to deal with myself.
Actually, blondie I did a little of both. It wasn't great, but it was enough to get me to the next day, which was great. Maybe as time goes by i'll, we'll get better at figuring out our own situations re sharing with BFs/husbands and establishing 'boundaries' for want of a better word.

But one thing is for sure: NO DIFFICULT QUESTIONS CAN'T GET ADDRESSED HERE
A huge thank you to everyone who ever 'talks' to me here.
Having you in my 'puter', as Finding My Feet, or Starlight says, really helps SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much.

[jane jane]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Blondie, yours is a hard question for me to answer. When did my happy hours become...happier and happier, for more and more hours? Gradually, insidiously, and progressively. Little by little.

Being a high-functioner, free-lancing lucratively in a creative field, living in the Deep South where "partyin' " is a way of life, it took me a while to realize that I was...er..."partyin'" waaaaay beyond the norm (starting right after morning coffee!) My husband's parents were BIGTIME drinkers (yet pillars of the community, high-society) so, small wonder it took him a while to notice that maybe I'd tippled right over the edge into Problem Land. Again, I never failed to have a lovely supper on the table, never failed to pick the children up from school and get them to their activities, never got loud or out-of-control---the perfect lady, but drunk as a goat most evenings by (early) bedtime! I developed the classic drunk's protective coloration. When my husband would ask me something about a previous night's conversation we'd (apparently) had, I learned to craftily lead him on until he provided the info I'd forgotten we'd even talked about. Oh, Blondie, I was GOOD. (Yeah, right.)

It happens slowly but surely, Blondie, and you're so lucky you're catching yourself early. You may never be totally sober (most alcoholics aren't, in the long run; this isn't pessimism but statistics!) but the immense value of your awareness of the problem can't be overstated. You'll go on a toot here and there, but you'll stay strong and moderated other times, and abstain totally for long periods. We cannot ever be like "normal" people, probably, but we can sure as Hell try, and do the best we can not to devastate those we love, who love us.

I don't know quite what I think about the "disease" theory of alcoholism, but at certain points along the journey it helps to be kind to yourself and think, "well, it's like a tumor growing in me...hmmmm...what will help? Prayer, positive thinking, meds, six weeks in a clinic?" The answer will vary with each of us. Some of us are going to fail, tragically, and some will succeed, triumphantly---and there's a spectrum in between.

Look who's rambling! But I suspect you are turning over similar thoughts. Try your best, and trust your wonderful husband to "walk the walk"about that marriage commitment. I bet he will, and will be your rock in times of trouble. Mine sure has been.

Love and good thoughts,

JJ

[Blondie_grrrl]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Phoenix, Jane et al.
I appreciate hearing your thoughful, open responses. While I'm concerned about finding the right balance at working on my problem drinking with my husband's support, I am surely grateful that he doesn't share my problem (he's not perfect, but thank goodness he can put down his glass!); I can't imagine how much more challenging that situation must be. Thanks again.:hug:

[bloggy]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

So true.

I lived with an alcoholic from the age of 17 to 22- he was 12 years older than me and actually he taught me just about all I know.

A friend married her husband who for many years has suffered a very serious drink problem- when she had no apparent signs, another friend said "She will either leave him, or join him."

She joined him.

I do sincerely hate what I have put my BF through, but would still rather deal with this without his help.
But that spills over into other areas of my life, fierce independence, it is just the way I am.

[Phoenix74]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Hey Marby

I admire your fierce independence!

I think if i didn't have a husband, I wouldn't confide in anyone else(b4 I came to MWO and the genuine wonderful friends I have already made here)

I think if you can deal with this problem, without the sniff of that awful Co Dependence word possibility that seems so common (me included though in a different context), then you should be applauded for dealing with this issue personally.

I am a wuss, in some respects. Fiercely independent in some regards, putty tat in others. I wish I could have managed my life b4 I got married, without every personal issue being inextricably connected to a BF. They came and they went. And I stayed the same because I never learned to stand on my own two feet.

I'm proud for any woman, or man, who can deal with life's curve balls without leaning on a significant other. But that's just from my perspective.

Blondie, I truly hope that some of the things others have posted here will help you figure out that delicate balance. Respect to you on all fronts!
As you said, and Jane echoed, it is a wonderful thing to have a man in your life to whom you can confide; if it helps it helps, if it doesn't, it will open up other cans of worms which, in the long run, will help, one way or another in bringing the situation on a step or two.

I wish you the best tonight