Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

[Blondie_grrrl]

Hey, all! New here. Just started Topa last night, supps earlier this week. SO HOPEFUL that the program works for me -- because last night my wonderful hubby and I had "the talk" --about my increasing problem, about his growing anxiety about my drinking and concern I will embarrass him in social occasions, why can't I just drink less, etc. etc. Of course I really had to focus, as I was 75% through a bottle of vino already ... we've had wee talks about my drinking before, but this was the "big one" since my problem is getting bigger.

It's so painful to think of embarassing him, and I feel like a dissapointment that we can't enjoy our beloved wine in a "normal" way together. We have a great marriage and I love my life, it's just that wine has a choke hold on me! I would do anything to keep our marriage healthy, and I told him that. He did say he's confident I can get this thing under control (I am otherwise a very disciplined person) -- he may be more confident than I am.

Anyway (rambling...), I was just hoping to hear some advice from folks out there who have great spouses (who are not problem drinkers) and marriages, who feel like a turkey about their drinking problem. Any advice about how to keep my head up and support my husband through this? Many thanks in advance for your thoughts/guidance.

[buckledown]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Hi! I too have a great spouse that likes to drink but does not have a problem. When I started here I was drinking 2- 3 bottles of wine a day. I did a large stretch of AF days - June 5th - Aug 3rd I think....and it really helped get my mind clear ion my body detoxed. Then I had a big slip started again. My goal now is to not drink at home or during the week and moderate on the weekends. Its been going well and I owe it all to this program. My husband can not believe the change in me and in the dynamics of our household. I especially love the way my kids have responded to having their mom back in the evenings. All I can say is that each day is a new day and I address each one by itself. When I think about forever it gets way to overwhelming. This place gives me strength and a place to come to be with others who don't judge and understand the struggle. Now its not anywhere like the struggle it was before. Well, that where I am as of today, and on the times when it doesn't go exactly like I planned I can come back here and its a new day. Hope that helps you . There is hope and everyone is here to listen and help in your journey. Please keep posting and I will too. Welcome!:h buckle

[Phoenix74]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Hi Blondie

The more experienced members will probably be along soon and they're the people whose word I trust without reservation, but just while you're waiting I'll post you back

The first thing in my mind to say is this: wll done on having an honest chat about things last night. Eitherway, no matter what exactly, or when, something constructive happens about your situation, it's surely a relief to have discussed things with him.

Secondly, I have wonderful sober husband like you. The best thing you can do is be honest with him when you know you need to be...


He mightn't want to hear every single thought that you have, he might be 'too preoccupied with other things'; he might get to feeling nervous 'bout the outcomes, he might feel the difficulty is something he isn't "qualified" to help with.

But I could be way off base here. I'm just going on my own experience.I have been totally honest with my husband, and whilst he's very understanding and supportive when i do talk to him (provided he's not watching something on tv LOL) he doesn't seek to get into deep and meaningfuls about how I'm feeling or if i'm coping or if i'm craving.

I think he trusts me to do what i have to do and hopes that i'll be honest with him if i need to... He knows how much time i spend reading here in the evening so i suppose he thinks MWO is helping more than he could, or would volunteer to?

I'm not an expert on anything but i have seen some of the longer members recommending rehab and medication and supplements and such especially in the initial stage of recovery. They are more experienced to advise you on this.

Again, well done on being so honest. It's hard sometimes. Like on a day where you feel nothing is right and you're all messed up - you can always find support here, unconditional support.

All the best

[betty boop]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Hiya Blondie-Grrl & :welcome:

I was in exactly the same boat, hubby who likes a drink but has an 'off switch' .....

When I did my AF stint he did it with me, and now we moderate together. Usually having 3-4 af days per week and moderating at weekends.

I made a promise to myself that I would never drink alone and have stuck to it other than once this year, end even then I didn't get drunk.

All the best on your journey,

Love & Hugs, BB :h :l :h

[idbiscuit]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

I'm very new to this....feel pathetic today as I am not sure of myself and my willpower. I too have an amazing man who can just switch it off. Doesn't even think about it....yet not sure he realizes I have a problem. I usually down a couple of drinks before he gets home that way he has no idea how much I've really been drinking. He knows I'm checking into this program and he knows I feel I have a problem...I don't want to give it up I just want to learn how to switch it off. Am I asking for too much?

[buckledown]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

First off, nothing you ask for is too much. You deserve everything you desire. I really felt like the AF ( alcohol free) days in my initial stages were a crucial part of my journey and finding a switch. So maybe you could start there and make a small goal for yourself. My goal kept getting longer during that June to Aug AF time I had because I felt so good. My husband like Betty Boops did it with me as well. It made it easier quitting together and I didn't have to worry about being around alcohol at home when it was hard in those first days. I also came here constantly and I still do. It is a major part of my day. I don't feel alone when I am having a bad day because there are people here that understand. Please remember things will get better and keep posting. Think of a plan that seems like it would work for you. We will be here....Buckle

[Blondie_grrrl]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

I like your ideas/strategies re: not drinking during the week, not drinking alone, and going AF with your husband -- how wonderful that you're in it together! ('course, going AF is probably a whole lot easier for your non-problem-drinking spouses). I have kinda cornered myself when it comes to drinking -- I am a social butterfly -- never met a happy hour I didn't like, and am constantly scheduling "girls' night out." Hubby and I eat dinner out a lot -- and I have NEVER eaten out sans alcohol! Couldn't imagine it! I've also made learning about wine a hobby, attending and hosting tasting parties, so almost all of our activities seem to revolve around drinking. Fun for my husband, increasingly alarming for me. Guess I will have to find other hobbies *sigh* and ask my husband to move the wine to the basement storage area where it is less visible. Thanks for your suggestions, all.

Idbiscuit: I would say if you think you have a problem, you probably do, even if your partner doesn't necessarily see it.
Phoenix: Just wondering about your husband's response to your drinking: does he feel you'll "take care of it" on your own?

[Phoenix74]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Hi idbiscuit

QUOTATION FROM BOOTCAMPBARBIE
"well, i don't know actually if the number of drinks matters as much as how do you feel about it. because i know people that have plenty of drinks and don't give one flying hoot about it. then i know some that have two drinks and just say hey i have to stop this. so it is an individual choice. you have to decide what is right for you. only you can. to drink or not to drink that is the question and only you and you and make that choice as to what will bring you happiness. so is drinking and the after effects making you a happy girl?"

idbiscuit

I thought i'd quote bcb from another thread on your question because I thought hers were wise words .
It depends if it's too much to ask...Only you can answer that one really. I don't wish to speak out of place here, but if you're downing a few before he comes home then you're deceiving. I know all about that. I've hidden a glass in the pot cupboard in a rush and felt absolutely desperate about it, not for getting caught, I didn't, but because i knew i was deceiving him and I also felt that I was copping out, and making a fool of
myself TO MYSELF !

Hope you're feeling a bit better

[Phoenix74]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Blondie

Jeepers you have me and hubby having another heart to heart now

Yeah I guess he does. He's not really worried about me. He feels that I simply cannot 'hold' drink and that it doesn't suit me. He thinks one or two (maybe 3 LOL) is ok but after that I start to change personality.
I suppose because I've had the heart to heart with him, which I initiated, he feels more confident that I'm not hiding from it, or hiding it from him. Maybe he thinks i'm strong enough to get a handle on poor drinking habits.

Habits are a large part of it, having 2 or 3 drinks every other day; a bottle of wine (75cl) bar his one glass out of it on a Friday or Saturday night; drinking on a fairly empty stomach cos I don't eat dinner in the evening for example (any more than one and I get visibly 'drunkish').

Maybe we're spectacularly kidding ourselves...

I haven't done the 30 day abstention. I just downloaded RJ's book yesterday evening but i haven't started it yet. Think I might tonight!

[Blondie_grrrl]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Whoops! Phoenix, wasn't trying to insinuate that something was amiss with you and your hubby, was just trying to parse out your martial approach of dealing with your problem drinking...not sure how this will proceed with mine (will he be watching me like a hawk? checking the level on bottles? wishing the whole thing would go away? asking me how I feel? -- doubt that last one!). Perhaps your husband's lack of anxiety is a good thing (my hubby is a worrier by nature and profession) -- sounds like he's confident you can kick it.

*Haven't done 30 days dry myself -- seems like a lifetime -- what about all those happy hours and fancy meals out? No wine? No martinis? Argh.

[betty boop]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Blondie, I know exactly how you feel, but I promise you, you will feel better .......... It's a strange process to go through but well worth it .......

[Blondie_grrrl]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Thanks for the suppport/encouragement Betty (and others)...Guess I'll pop in one of those hypno cd's (can't decide if I like that dude's voice or not -- how can he be so darned calm??).:H So glad to hear others out there have "made it."

[Phoenix74]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Relax I know you didn't mean that!!! That didn't even occur to me. It's good you asked cos it made me think. And it made me talk to him, check in with him re this issue.

It's definitely not easy. There is the 'ol "will he be marking the bottle?" Will he be watching me like a hawk? Looking into my eyes to guage how many i've had.

I think that depends on your husband. I know that mine DID do that because I noticed him doing it. I know having alcohol on board makes some of us paranoid, but he did really do it and has told me he did it. I honestly don't think he's doing it now though.

My hubby is normally a worrier too. He internalises stuff I don't even register and then when there's a row, bang! It all comes out!
But, strangely, he's not worrying about this. At least he's not communicating that to me in any way at least. I am the one worrying. Now i'm concerned that i'm dealing with too much pressure altogether on my own.

You're right on the hubby not asking you how you feel; mine never does that in relation to this problem, oh he'd ask about day at work or problems with colleagues etc but he wouldn't initiate a conversation like that about this though. Wonder why...

You're right - the whole process is scary. Only thing I know is that for me the first few steps were far scarier than the rest. This really is the best place to be.

Hope you're doing ok
Btw, can you receive Private Messages ?

[bloggy]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

I wonder if the reason they don't ask about feelings etc, is because it is kind of a taboo subject, and they think it will be better for us if they just try to ignore it and push it under the carpet?

That is what my BF does, and to be quite honest I am glad. If he began asking me how I felt i would tell him to mind his own business. I am happy to discuss it with fellow sufferers but to discuss it with him would just bring me even further embarrasment.

[Blondie_grrrl]

Advice re: supporting responsibly-drinking spouse while I get it together...

Marbella, I must say I have mixed feelings about that ... I understand completely about the taboo of alcoholism -- I'd be lying if I said I weren't embarrassed about it somewhat, but for Pete's sake -- how can so many millions of sufferers keep it to themselves as if it didn't exist? In general I believe secrets can be harmful (although I doubt our drinking problems are as secret as we might believe/hope), and there's some evidence out there that fear of conflict is damaging to relationships (i.e., the we just don't talk about it approach) because you miss the opportunity to get more intimate/trusting with each other. I don't know...like I said I have mixed feelings about whom to talk with about this. I think part of the problem is once "out of the bag" we can get stuck with a label, a big sign that says "I have drinking problems" that makes it hard to move on from, or for people to see that as one dimension of a many-dimensioned person. Wow, I am rambling. Anyway, I respect your difference in opinion, haven't decided for myself how much I want to "process" with my better half...


Phoenix -- not sure I can rec private msgs -- do I have to set it up that way? If I'm good, feel free to send a msg any time.