lilnev's thread

[Guest]

lilnev's thread

Hi lilnev,
You`ve been doing so well with the cutting down up until this last month........says you can do this.
I really like your detailed plan........I think we very much have to treat our sobriety similar to going on a military operation.........we almost have to be ruthless in our determination to succeed. I think your plan says you`re a cert to get where you want to be in life.

Wishing you love and strength,

Starlight Impress x

[less desperate]

lilnev's thread

wonderworld;207639 wrote: just want to say I think you guys (and gals) are so awesome and thank you for the warm welcome. the honesty on this board is phenomenal. I was never able to talk this way in A.A., that's for sure, where I felt so much pressure to be "good" instead of real. I'm so relieved ........ thank you. sniff, sniff :h

I feel the same way about this message board. I had a lot of trouble dealing with A.A. For some reason, I always felt like such a loser at those meetings, even though most of the people were nice.

I do feel I can be real here................

[betty boop]

lilnev's thread

A huge :welcome: to all the newbies here .......

Lilnev, I was on Citalopram when I came here, but as I cut down my drinking I came off it without any problems, I really love being where I am now ......... no longer drinking to oblivion .......

This place is amazing ............

[lilnev]

lilnev's thread

"Can I have a drink now?" No. "How about now?" I said no. "But it's 6 o'clock. You know what that means...." Not any more it doesn't. "Aw, come on, you're no fun." I might be more fun if you stopped pestering me. Let's just go watch the Patriots game. "Sure, you know what goes great with football...." Still no. "How about now?"

Day 4. I'm doing OK really. Feeling pretty good. I just need to make sure I keep busy this time of day. Thanks for all y'all's support.

peace,
lilnev

[memarcie]

lilnev's thread

lilnev, you have a great plan! Keep up the good work!

[meditation mama]

lilnev's thread

Welcome!

Great plan.. just remember not to do too much in the begining. If you can't stick to everything on your plan right away (excdept the drinking), be kind to yourself and know it takes time to find the new you. SOmetimes we need to adjust our plans as we go along.

You sound great... stay close.

Namaste,

MM

[lilnev]

lilnev's thread

Day 6. OK, but stressed. Not really alcohol-related, but I want to write about it anyway. Report card so far:
No drinking -- A+. None.
Meds/supps -- A-. The main pile is in the morning, and I've taken all those. Missed the evening kudzu/glut/5-HTP once, and was late once, but I wasn't craving too bad, so I got away with it I guess.
Exercise -- B+. Not as much as over the summer, but soccer twice, climbing wall twice, and a couple of long walks.
Early/regular schedule -- D. Setting the alarm, but then ignoring it and sleeping almost as late as I used to. Oh well, can't have it all at once.
Working hard -- F. Still failing here. See below.
Diet -- B. Pretty good, could still use more veggies.
Social life -- C. Trying to get to know some people at the climbing wall, but I passed up an opportunity to go outdoors over the weekend. Shrug, this one'll take lots of time and small steps.

About work: My boss wants to meet with me next week. I've written before that I'm in a position that requires a lot of initiative and self-motivation, and I've been failing miserably. So now I get to report that I've made essentially zero progress in the last, um, year or so. He's a nice guy, and I can probably get an extension rather than getting immediately fired. I haven't figured out how to handle it. Bluff that I'm actually doing well and making progress? Confess my struggles with depression, alcohol and anxiety, and say that I'm getting at least two of them under control? Ask for his help keeping me on track with more frequent benchmarks and closer supervision?

I'm not even sure that I belong in this job. In some ways I love it -- I love thinking about the big ideas of the science, I love being on the cutting edge of really interesting stuff, and I love being surrounded by people who share those motivations. And I'm certainly smart enough. But I feel like I lack some combination of initiative and discipline needed to actually apply myself to the day-to-day tasks of getting experiments to work. (Don't believe the movies, there's months or years of grunt work, tedium, setbacks, and wrong tracks for every breakthrough moment). I struggled with the initiative/discipline issue in grad school even when depression and alcohol weren't issues. I feel like I have the potential to be a great scientist, but I'm failing to live up to that potential.

I don't know. But I'm feeling stressed. I don't like conflict, I don't like being judged negatively, and I'm afraid those things are coming my way. And I don't like financial insecurity, so I'm not eager to lose or quit my job. (Plus, here in the US, we have the oh-so-clever system of making your health insurance depend on your employment. Could we do it a worse way?!?).

And, tomorrow I'm flying out to Chicago for my ex-fiancee's (and still one of my closest friends) wedding. I'm hoping it will be good but stressful. I'm sure it will be stressful, being around all those people. Many of whom I haven't seen in a couple of years, and they're going to ask me how I'm doing, and I'll have to choose between empty platitudes and small talk, or admitting that life has been a real struggle the past couple of years. And neither of those conversations sounds like much fun. And the whole thing is reminding me that I am, fundamentally, lonely.

Bah. Enough rambling and self-pity. I'm not going back to alcohol; I tried that, and it didn't do me any good. I'm just feeling stressed and vulnerable, and wanted to write it out.

peace,
lilnev

[Guest]

lilnev's thread

Hi lilnev,
You`ve definitely got the right attitude to succeed. As we journey into sobriety, sooner or later, we realize that we have to learn to deal with whatever life throws at us without seeking solace in the drink. My own attitude now is that drink doesn`t change a thing, so why bother?.........I think once we really accept this, it does become easier to steer clear of the booze.

Keep up the good work. Be rightly proud!!!

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[afleisl]

lilnev's thread

Hi ilnev, fairly new to MWO also (starting day 10 af) and can relate alot to different things you have written. Although physically I could feel better, (need more exercise), mentally I notice a significant difference. Things at work I used to avoid or skim over, I now take head on and deal with. I too took anti-depressants years ago until one day I decided to drink and have a huge pity party for me and overdosed on them. Doctors gave me a 10% chance of making it. Guess that wasn't the answer for me. What I can really relate too is the lonliness you mentioned. I am an only child and have two sons who live in two different states. I have traveled on my job for most of my adult life which means I was never able to have a consistant family life or friends I could be around often. Drink became my comfort, my family, my friend, for years. But the comfort was a lie and it has mostly wrecked my life. I know I need to take care of me first. It sounds like you have a plan, work it, you don't have to be perfect with it, but like you said, number one is staying away from the booze. If we don't, it does get worse. take care and hang in there, Larry

[wonderworld]

lilnev's thread

Hi lilnev-
Also relating to your post big time. First-- AWESOME on your 6 days!! and you sound really motivated to keep going. That's the most important thing.

Have a couple of thoughts on your anxieties - and would like to put in my 2 cents-

When talking to your boss - I wouldn't go to the completely personal place of talking about your "personal problems" i.e. anxiety, drinking, depression. You may regret it in the future and you don't have to disclose all that. In my experience, it's better to keep it somewhat impersoanl at work, if you can. Try to stay positive but realistic . Talk about those reasons you like the job (bosses love that) and maybe talk about how you know that you've been falling short some but are really motivated and would welcome some advice/guidance on how to be more successful in your postiition. Chances are, the boss would rather help get you up to speed than fire you, and asking him for advice on how to do it will make him feel like you're both on the same page.

re: the wedding. I went to one recently and felt the same way going in. Pretty much dreaded it. I was feeling like such a loser in my life and didn't want to feel or project that image to friends and family that I rarely see. My strategy was to dress and look as sharp as possible and NOT talk about those downer/failure feelings. I didn't want to go there. So I didn't. I kept it "light". One great strategy is to just ask people about how THEY are. People usually appreciate the attention and curiosity and it will keep the focus off how you're feeling right now. And p.s. about an hour into the wedding I went to, everyone was just in a party mood and it was no big deal. I didn't drink. I danced, kept a smile on my face and just sailed thru it (and left as soon as others started to - didn't hang around til the wee hours). If you want to share what's happening with you on a one-to-one basis with anyone there - you can do it at another time.

You're going thru alot of changes right now and are doing great, even though you might be FEELING really down. If you keep up the good work, you will continue to feel better all the time and eventually will look back on this time from a much better place.

Don't know if any of this helps, or if it just sounds like nosy nonsense, but I was touched by what you said and wanted to share my experience. I, too, am finally starting to realize that I'm lonely! Duh!!! And that's a problem that needs to be fixed with people, not with alcohol. It's taken a really long time to get in touch with this.


luv, Beth

[lilnev]

lilnev's thread

Hey folks. Thanks for the support and the advice. I'm feeling a bit better today -- going to try to enjoy life as much as I can. Haven't entirely figured out how to handle the meeting, but I've got the weekend to think on it.... I think you're right, wonderworld, that I should stay positive and try to enlist my boss' help going forward, even if I have to 'fess up that I haven't done so well in the recent past. afleisl: I'm glad you hit your 10%! And I'm glad you're kicking the booze and finding yourself again; even if some parts hurt, it's better to face life than to hide from up. Keep posting. I too am feeling stronger and more confidant after (almost) a week.

I'm off to Chicago. I may or may not post in the next few days, but I'll be back Monday at the latest.

peace,
lilnev

[lilnev]

lilnev's thread

Hey all, I'm back. Day 12.

The wedding was mostly good, and the difficult parts were not as frequent and (mostly) not as bad as I'd feared. Got through the ceremony OK, but had to retreat from the reception. Loneliness and a badly sinking mood. I took a walk around the grounds, then found a friend who was also avoiding the party. He's low-stress and easy to be around, so that passed the time. Other than that, I had to retreat to a quieter spot a few times just because it's stressful being around people, and my batteries run down quickly, but no big mood drops.

I talked to some friends about depression and struggling at work (though not alcohol -- somehow that's still too much of a stigma). People who really care about me deserve that, and I felt better for having shared it. Less close friends/acquaintances got the superficial treatment.

And I'm glad I finally got to meet the groom. One of my most important people was marrying him, and I really had no sense of what he's like. Plus I've worried that my continuing friendship with his bride, who's my ex-fiancee, might be stressful to him and/or a strain in their relationship. We had a good talk, including about some of my struggles; and I'm pretty sure he likes me and feels more comfortable than he did.

So, a good trip.

Meeting with my boss, probably tomorrow. Still a point of stress, but I think I've settled on what I want to say. I am going to tell him about depression, and procrastination becoming a bad habit, but also that I'm now getting back on track. Still haven't decided whether to mention alcohol or not, which means I probably won't (he's nice and wants to see his people thrive, but I don't think he's really the type to emotionally bond; and like I said above, there's more stigma attached to alcoholism than there is to depression). What I want from him: 1) Another chance, to show him that I can be productive. 2) More frequent consultations going forward. In some ways this feels like a crutch that I shouldn't need (and, if I'm to rise further in my profession, I'll need to learn to do without). But for now, I think increased accountability would help with my motivation. I've come to see my work struggles largely as a set of bad habits -- I've become a world-class procrastinator -- and the long-term solution is to train myself into better work habits. But it seems smart to use shorter-term tools if they're available, and accountability can be a powerful one for me. (That's a big part of why MWO is working for me; now that I'm posting here, I feel accountable to y'all, and it's helped me combat that little voice that says, "Sure you decided not to drink, but that was then, and now you want to. Shouldn't you decide now what you want to do now?" Gah! Go away, stupid voice!). 3) Change projects. Part of my motivation difficulties has it's roots in a lack of faith in my project as it's currently defined. In fact, I feel like it's not well defined, and it's relationship to the existing body of research is "fuzzy", shall we say. Plus there are a number of technical issues that might make it just plain impractical to get the data, or to find in the data what we're looking for, or to figure out whether a negative result is because it's really not there or because the experiment hasn't been set up exactly right, or because we're not looking at the right data, or looking at it the right way. I have an alternative experiment in mind that is straightforward, tractable, potentially very important, and (if so) would open up lots of new ground for further experiments. It's also possible it will give a thoroughly uninteresting negative result, but at least it should be easy to test. So I'm going to try to talk him into that, and ~3 months to see if I can get some preliminary results. I think if I'm working on a project that I believe in (at least I believe I can get a meaningful answer, even if that answer is "no, it doesn't work"), I'll find it easier to apply myself. Even more so if it's a project that I've conceived of myself.

So, that's where I'm at. Alcohol struggles have gotten easier despite a rise in stress. I feel strong enough to work on some of the other long-term issues in my life.

peace,
lilnev

p.s. Oh yeah, and I've lost about 6 pounds, back to the good side of 200. Without a lot of exercise or particular attention to diet on this trip. I think I'm blessed with a good metabolism with a healthy "set point", and my body is just glad I've stopped forcing liquid calories on it every night.

[Guest]

lilnev's thread

Hi lilnev,
Am delighted for you that you`re coping so well. I think part of getting sober is about learning how to live sober and to achieve our potential in everything we do. The drink completely messed up my life and robbed me of so many opportunities........it`s really nice to realize just how many of those opportunities are still available to us when we sober up.

Am 3 mths sober and really only now appreciate how much sheer hard work this entails. My ultimate goal is to become truly well in mind, body and spirit..........as you`ve already discovered........sober is not enough.........we must work towards personal fulfilment in all areas of our lives. I wish you all good things.

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[slightlysuze]

lilnev's thread

lilnev.....this is a fascinating, and moving, thread....you are doing so well.....congratulations! :h Yes, rebuilding our lives is more than just not drinking...but staying sober means we have the energy and passion to put into what we really want (once we work out what it is!).

Happy travels in your better life....stay focussed on what you want (not what that 'little voice' might tell you lol)


Suze xx

[lilnev]

lilnev's thread

OK, time for a three week check-up.

No drinking: A+
Meds/supps: A
Exercise: B. Still need to get a little more focused and regular here -- more routine, not so ad hoc.
Early/regular schedule: D. Been getting up at 9 or 10, a bit earlier than I used to, but only because I'm sleeping better. However, this is about to improve (see below).
Applying myself at work: C. Talking to my boss and changing projects has helped, but I've still been procrastinating too much. But plans are afoot (see below).
Diet: C. Inconsistant. Somedays I go to the salad bar for lunch, some days I eat a whole bag of Cape Cod Jalepeno and Aged Cheddar Potato Chips, and call it dinner. Shrug. Needs more vegetables.
Building social relationships: B+. Talking to people at the wedding gets me credit. I've been re-establishing email contact with an old friend, and somewhat with family. Somewhat more social at work and at the climbing wall. Overall better than I'd expected of myself. I think my social anxiety is perhaps reverting to it's traditional way-too-high levels, rather than it's insanely-ridiculously-too-high levels of the past few years.

So, work: One of my main problems is habit, a habit of procrastination. And my main partner in that crime is the internet. I can and do spend hours wandering through the back pages of online newspapers, blogs, forums.... I need to break this habit. I need to go IF (internet free), before I'll successfully redevelop my work habits. So as of today, no recreational internet after 9 AM. That should provide the motivation to get me out of bed at a proper hour (I am a news junkie, and I'm not giving it up). And force me to find something else to do with the hours of the workday. Like, hopefully, work.

So that's where I'm at. Good progress against drinking, which is the necessary underpinning for all other changes. Some progress on other fronts, and a plan to move forward.

peace,
lilnev