Ashamed, but not enough to stop

[rosamunde]

Hi everyone,
I'm new. And ashamed. Shame is all I feel. All day and every day.
I've tried to help myself, many times, to no avail. Maybe this time it will sink in.
A few nights ago I attacked my partner of 5 years, he tried to stop me from getting into the car blind drunk, I fell over and our 3 year old son asked the next morning why my nose was bruised. This was not the first time. And this is my last chance at our relationship.

Thinking back, I'm ashamed of all the times I woke up in someones bed, wondering how I had got there and not knowing if something or what had happened.
Ashamed of all the things I have said and done to people when I was drunk. Drunk and invincible.
I've been drinking since I was 12years old, Father alcoholic, Mother alcoholic - bi-polar and suicided. Although they were in my life from time to time, I did not grow up with them.

I've suffered from depression for most of my life , or so I think, have been diagnosed 3 years ago and have been on Lexapro and Effexor since.
What I can't work out is whether the depression came first or the alcohol started the depression?? I'm not sure it would make a difference?

And still I can't see myself never having another drink again.
But I don't want to drink. I want to be happy without drinking. I just don't know how yet.
I have abstained for a period of 2 years before - I also abstained from socialising. When I started drinking again, it made me feel so free and strong, I loved it. I don't anymore.

This is day 5 AF.

[bloggy]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Hi Rosamunde and Welcome :welcome:

Your post has bought tears to my eyes, you did not have a good start in life.

I too, managed 2 yrs alcohol free- I had to continue to socialize due to the nature of my job at the time (bar owner, LOL) and I know it can be done. After 7 months I never thought about drink, although I was surrounded by it, pouring it, smelling it, selling it and conversing with drunk people for 10 hours a day, 7 days a week!


Congratulations on your 5 days. As for your shameful stories, I think all of us here have plenty of those- that is why we are here. I hope some of the more experienced members will be able to give you more advice on sticking to your goals.

The best of luck- you are not alone :l

[Guest]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Hi rosamunde and welcome.

Please don`t allow the shame to break your spirit........we all have pasts that would make the tabloids through some of the crazy or not too pretty things we have done when pissed. You must take strength from the truth now, which is that the drunk in you did all those off-the -wall things and not the real you.

All any of us have to work with is present and future, so tell yourself that you are burying the past as of this moment forward and make a genuine commitment to becoming well.

Perhaps you should discuss your medication with your doc.......I don`t know, but maybe the doc needs to change some of your meds to lift you out of the depression........is the easiest thing in the world, to drink when depressed or anxious.

The fact that you abstained for a whole 2 yrs before shows that you can do this, and.........you must do this again, firstly for the sake of your own self-worth, your husband and a very wee boy who needs a well mum.

Lay the shame to rest........think of all the good within yourself, and build on that, by wholeheartedly making this commitment to get your life back. All this programme asks of you is 100% commitment..........work the programme, and never look back. Drink is ruining your life........make it stop now.

Wishing you love and strength,

Starlight Impress x

[Cinders]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Rosamunde,

Welcome. I can't add much to Star's post except to add that if you do a search on Lexapro and Effexor on MWO you might find some interesting experiences of other members.

You might truly wish to discuss the meds with your doctor!!

Hang in there. You have a three year-old to take care of and that is so important.

Cindi

[rustop61]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Hi and :welcome:

I second everything the others have said above. We all have pasts but its the present and future that matter. Congrats on Day 5. There is huge support on these boards so join in, there is a newbie thread ODAT, one day at a time that a lot of us check into. There is an Inn over in Abstinance for people trying to achieve 30 Days. Check them all out and come say hello.

Rustop

[CaptJBean]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

I blew it yesterday too. I realize that I am waiting for the magic pills to start working. And, I kid myself into thinking that just because I'm buying the little tiny wine bottles... and I have only been drinking one or two... instead of one or two big bottles... it works. Yesterday, would have been the same as drinking one big bottle. I recognize the circumstances that I didn't get enough sleep the nite before... I was going for a sugar high in hopes of getting energy. All I did was drink one little bottle after the other and yakked on the phone with my friends. It was kind of fun. My daughter's boyfriend wrote me a smart alec email, to which I wrote informed him and his mother back, that I thought for someone I was supporting... he should consider how he pops off to me before he writes me!!! And, while I feel bad about it this morning... I honestly did not say anything wrong. Anyway... I got a good nites sleep.... and today... I'm disappointed in myself. I'm not hung over. However, I could let it ruin my day. But I'm not going to. I wasted yesterday... I won't waste today beating myself up over it. It gloomy in NY... I'm not going to give the devil his due today... We all do it... We are all trying... We all want it... You will find it here. It's a very supportive positive place to be.

[hart]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

(((Rosemund)))

5 days AF is a great start hon! I too had a chaotic childhood, it caused other addictions with me but I totally understand searching for something to ease the pain. The problem is numbing doesn't make it go away. Emotional pain is something we need to learn to feel, deal with, then let go. I keep being told if I would just stay in my sad thoughts w/o numbing, long enuf, the intensity of them will lessen.

I think that is true for both of us. I don't know if during your two years sobriety you tried to deal with the emotions of your past or not.

You are a strong woman. You have to be to have gone thru all you have and still be here. Here is a place everyone is accepted, everyone's cheered for their successes and understood for their struggles.

I don't know if you want to take some meds to help. There are many drugs that will lessen the cravings for alcohol....and they do work, but that's the physical part of alcoholism the emotional part you have to use other sources, the support of your family, the determination to really want to stop drinking, and MWO, if you like.

They are great people who DO understand. Read and post, hon. You are not alone.:l

[Bella]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Rosamunde, Welcome to MWO! I too remember having a fight with my husband when he tried to stop me from driving once. He hid the keys from me several times and I used to hate him for it. Now I'm sober I realise he was actually trying to help me! Don't dwell on shame and misery. What would be the point of it? Focus on what you are doing now. You have made a big step in coming here and talking to like-minded people. We have all been there. 5 days Af is fantastic. Keep going and things will get better. You will think more clearly and the self-respect will be immense. Post often to find support and just talk. It really helps. Bella xxx

[Accountable for Me]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

:welcome:

Great start on your 5 days! I can relate to a lot of your story in regards to depression, alcoholism etc... running rampant in my family.

Hang around with us and find the support you need. This is a good bunch of people who understand. ***BIG HUGS*** to you. :l

[rosamunde]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for your support, I am overwhelmed by the response I got!!!
It makes me believe there is a way out. I will fight this and with all of your support it will be much easier, I'm starting to get excited thinking about it!!!

Thank you all

[paula]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Hi Rosamunde and welcome,

[paula]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Hi Rosamunde and welcome. I like many people can relate to your story. Yes there is a way out and if you stick with us ,you have found it.
Best of luck. xx

[tea]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Rosemunde, Be excited, be very excited... WELCOME!! You HAVE found Your Way Out..... I so relate to your post and well done you for posting it! I always love to read new people's posts because believe it or not it helps us who have been here for a whiley to realise where we started and I really do NOT mean that we or I have finished.......... This is a journey that you have just taken your first step on and you are so warmly welcomed, you will find here real people who will give such strong support when needed, a kick up the rearend or jacksie depending on where in the world you live, or just down right good humoured ribbing. I so relate to your post regards to being dragged out of the drivers seat when attempting to drive and being so incensed with indignation.... ho hum. Anyway, now you are here, you will never ever again be alone inanything.... look forward to hearing more from you. Take care.

Lxx

[Reenie]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Rosamunde: Drinking might be one of your ways to self medicate your depression. I don't know.... but I get the sense you can do this. You have already quit drinking for 2 years and have recently gone 5 days. You and your partner have a son. Dig deep. Keep posting and reading here on MWO. You have the strength to get a handle on your drinking. You have the will not only to better yourself, but for your son. -Reenie

[Mags]

Ashamed, but not enough to stop

Rosamunde

There is a way out - hopefully for you it is My Way Out. I strongly suggest that the first steps you take are to spend some time on this website reading things like the MY STORY forum and the 30 DAY ABSTAINERS FORUM, etc. You definitely should download RJ's book from the MWO store and read it right away. It is NOTHING like the AA book. It is a true life story that you can relate to and that explains the program and its philosophy. I think it will also explain that this is a flexible program based on the advise of friends here and of your own needs.

I think that what you will find that is no matter how desperate you feel right now, you have met many people who have been desperate also and have managed to find a way out with honest friendship and concern, some wise supplements, and reading and posting here every day. You can find your way out also.

Stick with us for a while. We may also make you laugh a little. :welcome: