FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

[lukalee]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

Painfully made it through the night. Don't want to really drink, but I know the longer I stay AF I am going to have to deal with my inner issues. Not quite sure what they are, but I know they are there. It's scaring the shit out of me for some reason, but I know whatever demons lie ahead, once I face them, it will be done and over with, and I will be a much happier camper.

Does anyone feel like it is just so hard to open up? That there is just something missing, but you don't know what it is? That time is just standing still for you to see it, but you still don't recognize or accept it?

[sweetpea]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

:wave::bananacomputer: Morning Folks it is great to be back near a computer and My wonderful Firecrackers who are very dear to me. How are you all doing?

Lukalee sorry to hear that you had a bad night. Inner issues are something that we all having a hard time dealing with. Haven't got the magical answer myself but work on a daily basis to keep them at bay and read, read, read to find any scrap of information that might enable me to recognise them and put them in their place. But you are on day 11 what a superstar and you will find answers with such determination

Teardrop day 4 AF you star and what an early riser. Hope you had a good day on the road and Lock forward to hearing from you soon


FBY hope the film was good

East day 26 awesome you are doing really well. Glad the flat is nearly finished. I love painting you get great satisfaction seeing the end product - all gleaming clean and new - When do you get your results East?

Rustop day 17 keep at it. Yes i agree we have been fizzing out a bit lately but with spring upon us we need to inject some summer sunshine into our lives and get up and at it :jumpin:

SO COME ON ALL YOU CRACKERS -
Amelia, barebones. betty boop, blondie, Bookmum, CaptJBean, Cheebs, Chief, Cindi, Cowgal, Croft, cuckoosnest83, db2fromala, debruce, Determinator, Dexterhead, Doggygirl, Dowjbw, Elainey, Evergreen, exteacher, Ezekiel37, Feeling Fortunate, Finally RN, Finski, fjones, flutterby, gabby!go, Gator,greeneyes, Had12many, headless1, Hope365, indiamike57, Izzie, Janice , Janka, LauraAnn, Leebo, Livewire, Long Road, Lucy Van Pelt, Lou, Lukalee, Maasai, Mattje, MDbiker, meditation mama, MissCheryl, Noelle, Paula, Rags, Raoul, Redgal, retteacher, Rosalind, Roz and sister, Ripple, Rudemama, Rustop61, Sante, Slightlysuze, Sparkey77, Start over, Suki411, Sunbeam, Teardrop, Veronica, Victory, Wakeupmum, whtwshman, wonderworld, Writeit, xEmx, 9 lives LETS GET GOING MAY IS NEARLY HERE AND WE NEED TO INJECT SOME LIFE BACK INTO OUR SOULS. :jumpwow: AND FEEL THE JOY COME SEEPING BACK INTO OUR LIVES

Strong vibes of love and support everyone

Sweetpea xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[maasai]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

hie all good friends there, yes lukalee, it is very hard to open up, when i started really accepting and talking about myself i really really lost control, thats the time i kind of feel more useless and want to kill myself, but ones i overcome that i feel much better.
i do cry and feel so low up to date when i talk about my past life and even though i know that its good for me am scared of talking about it. i am not an alcoholic but an alcohol dependant and even up to date when someone hurts my feelings one i think of drinking, am scared of hurting people and even if am hurt i would rather keep it than not talking about it, which i end up getting hurted more.
how can i overome this. somebody!! help.

[rustop61]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

Hi Firecrackers

Its lovely to log on and catch up with everyone's news. We are all chugging along and thats the main thing.

You are right Lukalee we all have inner demons. I have started psychotherapy with somebody who has specialized in addiction. Have only had 2 sessions and have not learned too much so far, I have a problem with alcohol (knew that) and he keeps on and on about AA!! I'll try it for a while, he has given me the names of some books which I have ordered and if I learn anything of interest I'll share it.

Rushing at the moment, catch you all later.

Rustop

[happydog]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

lukalee;311819 wrote:
Does anyone feel like it is just so hard to open up? That there is just something missing, but you don't know what it is? That time is just standing still for you to see it, but you still don't recognize or accept it?

Yes i do found it hard but going to counselling has help me.. if it was not for this site i would not of done nothing about it. but i still cant seem to open up my emotions and feelings. I found it hard to express myself as well. I think a lot if it has to do with my past up bringing... talking about it makes me cry a lot but it helps. We use AL to cover up a lot of thinks...

love
Teardrop.x

[happydog]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

maasai;311838 wrote: i do cry and feel so low up to date when i talk about my past life and even though i know that its good for me am scared of talking about it. i am not an alcoholic but an alcohol dependant and even up to date when someone hurts my feelings one i think of drinking, am scared of hurting people and even if am hurt i would rather keep it than not talking about it, which i end up getting hurted more.
how can i overome this. somebody!! help.

Maasai,
When i go to my 1to1 session i hate going but when it finish i feel good inside me. Yes it does hurt to talk about the past because we try and keep it deep down inside us so we show it does not hurt us keeping it tuck away. I do cry a lot when i talk about the past but that is part of a healing progress...like you my feelings get hurt very easliy i'm very sensitive and dont like to hurt or argue with anyone....like you said keep it then not talking about it which end up getting hurted more.
I hope you found the right person to talk to it does help.:l

Love
Teardrop.x

[lukalee]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

I think I am just waiting for this magic flash of light to appear. "There you are self-esteem; I have missed you so. Courage, let me pick you up and put you in my back pocket and not lose you again. Integrity-well I think I have always had you around, but occasionally forget to use you because AL has been in the way. And self respect, please jump on my back and hold on tight; I don't want to be able to shake you from my back ever again."

I'm tired of allowing people to treat me like shit> normally I would just drink. Hell, I treat myself like shit, why would I care how others treat me? Now that I am on day 12 AF, I look at myself and wonder why the hell I allow this kind of treatment. But even being AF I find breaking the cycle I have created hard. I can sit here and think so and so is an asshole or a bitch; but really, I am the one who allowed this to happen. I am the one who needs to change how people treat me. They will continue for as long as I allow them to.

It is hard to allow myself to think I deserve better. But deep down I do know this; one day the light WILL come. And all the things I have lost due to AL WILL come back, and I will not lose them again.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[happydog]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

Lukalee,
I hope you are ok...you are 12days AF you are seeing things a lot clear...maybe its time for you to stop the people who treat you bad...YOU do deserve better. That why it is a stand still for you... because you know you have got to do something about it...Be strong.

Well done 12dayAF keep it up!

Love

Teardrop.x

[Eastender]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

Day 27 AF

Hi Firecrackers,
"I'm tired of allowing people to treat me like shit> normally I would just drink. Hell, I treat myself like shit, why would I care how others treat me? Now that I am on day 12 AF, I look at myself and wonder why the hell I allow this kind of treatment. But even being AF I find breaking the cycle I have created hard. I can sit here and think so and so is an asshole or a bitch; but really, I am the one who allowed this to happen. I am the one who needs to change how people treat me. They will continue for as long as I allow them to. "

Lukalee you were there reading my mind this week!
I had EXACTLY those thoughts! Opening up and breaking the cycle being honest always got me deeper in trouble.
I told Mr East when upset the other day that life is less hurtful when I drink, I just don't care,the downfall is that I live my life as a Zombie.
Scared of Emotions, hell terrified . I too am hoping for that Magic flash. I know that the only flash comes from within me,I just have to find it. I think I have mislaid it somewhere along the way..........
Staying AF I agree is hard , you have to face these questions and they get clearer and more potent with every passing day. But this is living I guess .

Sweetpea Good to see you back hope you had a good time. Next week my results I hope no news is good news?

Maasai It sadens me that you are suffering so much,after all your hard work to get where you are today. I wish I could help you find the answer that I guess we are all looking for one way or another. I wish your spirit peace as with all of us that are tormented.

Teardrop. I cover my sensitivity with iron clad wall of steel that no one is allowed to enter,
so they think, Inside is a bowl of jelly that for years I have pickled. Now its turning back to jelly its so scary.
I can argue till the cows come home and appear so confident with it (to the outside world.)
That is my protection (I thought) but its also my prison!

Rustop please let us know what the books suggest, I have always been interested in understanding the human mind and psycology.

Just let my feelings out as they come, do not know if they make much sense to anyone.
Am very tired just now.

Goodnight/morning and take care


Eastx

[sweetpea]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

:ranger Morning Everyone Sweetpeas take on big AL

I suppose the saying no pain no gain springs to mind when reading the posts from yesterday. Most of us start out in life caring, sharing, trusting individuals who quite happily enjoy life and live it in tranquility. Happy with our lot - then comes along individuals who are greedy and want a piece of what you have got or a piece of you that you don't want to give away. It is done in a manipulative nasty painful way. So to protect ourselves we start putting up protective layers and somewhere along the line, within those layers gets trapped painful memories that we just cannot get back to, eradicate or sometimes want to remember. So more layers are put up. During your youth you manage to control the hurt by playing games and playing make believe. As you get older you are thrust into the realities of life and you get introduced to :alf: who seems like a an angel who can magically make things soooooooo much better. You relax and enjoy yourself and all those past hurts belong to another life, to another person. Over a period of time you need more and more of Al's company to get you back to that happy place. Then wallop you are so far sucked in Al's company that life becomes a :teeter:. It is such a gradual process that none of us see it coming and eventually wonder HOW ON THE HELL DID I GET INTO THIS STATE. Partners, children, family and friends that have managed to escape the clutches of Al are completely baffled by the situation. After all you now seemingly have got a reasonable life style (not true for everyone I know. Reading some posts some people have continued to receive very, very abusive treatment where AL is there only solace in life). So eventually comes the time to actually move forward and break the cycle. You have to start peeling back those layers and let the hurt go. Not an easy process for any of us, but necessary and the process can be extremely stressful and painful. You have in the process allowed yourself to become somebody you don't want to be and somehow your vulnerability has made you an easy target for more hurt to be inflicted.

So my trusted band of Firecrackers it is time to slowly look between those layers and get rid of the hurt. How that is achieved is another matter. Take help from whoever and wherever you can. Not everything works for everyone because we are all different BUT do not disregard anything till you know if it works for you or not. Personally My Way Out is working for me and is helping me work through my demons. No I am not yet in that happy place where I don't need help but I am certainly much much better. That has all been down to you :thanks: :h

Love and strong vibes of support to you all

Sweetpea xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[sweetpea]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

PS

Got a bit carried away on the previous post but wanted to add

East 27 days you superstar keep at it my good friend. Let us know as soon as you have got the results but as you say no news is good news

Lukalee 12 days fantastic keep going

Teardrop thinking of you I know you are finding the counseling hard but stick with it while it is helping

Rustop looking forward to reading any info that you glean

Maasia you must let the hurt go in order to get better. When you are feeling the pain think about how much better you will feel in a few weeks time

:l:h Love to All

Sweetpea xxxxxxxxx

[happydog]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

5days af

Hi all,

Sweetpea... you did not get carried away love reading your post. you say it so right...what hit me about your post is peeling back those layers and let the hurt go not easy and that why when the going get tough we turn to AL THE:alf: this time hope i dont because deep down i want this so much i'm puting up a fight:boxer:
thanks for your stronge vibes.

East...when your scare come on here and we as friend wil comfort you...Living your live as a zombie i use those words on a thread somewhere and a hate feeling like that it like you cant see clear cant hear cant feel.lots of this is to do with AL...EAST you always make lots of senes to me..Hope you had a good night sleep and feel refresh today.

Today friday need to keep strong my hubby always buys extra super skol beer because its the weekend need to turn a blind eye when i open my frigde tonight.

Hello to everyone have a good day even if the weather is bad!!

love

Teardrop.x

[maasai]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

hie everyone,
thanks sweepea, its such a great feeling to sleep feeling really down and waking up with a big smile and fresh in the morning,
i love myself and my sobriety, and however much i try work my past and really make sure i dont leave any stone un turned i get scared, i get angry. but the funny thing is that it does not hurt me any more, i was really feeling bad yesterday and i had a leanghy chat with someone here and i cry while laughing and to me crying never existed in my life.
i felt good at the end and happy about everything, and i feel learning and growing every single moment. i hate that am still depending on someone since i cant still hold myself and the fact that i dont have money for my college but the magnitude of the bitterness is different am accepting that i cant change the situation at the moment,and that humility is not thinking less of myself, but thinking of myself less.

[rustop61]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

Good morning Firecrackers

Your comments about why we allow ourselves to be treated in such a way really struck a chord with me Lukalee. I allowed my in-laws to behave appalingly for years but NO MORE. Its like bullying, zero tolerance is the only thing that works. In fact I have learned from my daughter. A few years ago when she was about 13 she came into the room and one of her uncles was there (he has ignored her existence since she was born). I did not notice it but it seems she did not speak to him. When her Dad asked her later why she said "Well, he did not speak to me so I afforded him the same courtesy". He obviously had done this before so she waited to see if he did it again and when he did boom back at him. Her Dad was going on about respect etc but I feel respect is earned and how on earth could you expect her to respect people who have treated her badly. She also needs to learn self respect and thats exactly what she was showing there.

I have decided to take a leaf out of her book. I feel very strongly that my inlaws will never treat myself or my girls badly again. Since taking this stance I feel much stronger and better able to deal with them. There will be fireworks at some stage, in fact two of my brother-in-laws got an earfull by e-mail when they tried lecturing me earlier this year!! They did not like it but I felt great. I now refuse to have any dealings with the one who has totally ignored my girls. I'm also making my sister-in-laws feel very uncomfortable by speaking out about how badly these brothers have behaved. They would all prefer if I just kept quiet and pretended it wasnt happening. In fact I'm quite enjoying myself, sorry about the vent.

Have a great week-end everyone.

Rustop

[lukalee]

FIREWORKS - ANYONE WANT TO JOIN ME FOR 30 DAYS AF

Rustop, It is amazing how we can learn so much from children. They are so new and fresh that they really see things the way they are.
Maasai, I just know things will work out for you. You have a great soul, and I truly believe good things happen to those who deserve it. May I ask how much is needed for college? I don't know about the situations, but I am pretty good at research and could help you find a way if I knew some more information.
Sweetpea, you're the best. I love reading what you had to say today; it is so true.
Teardrop, you can do this girl!!! You are doing so great this week.
East, you are an absolute star this month. I hope to rack my days up like yours.
All Firecrackers, thanks for being here, especially this week when I have felt so vulnerable!!!!