Cravings vs. Habit

[dcline]

Cravings vs. Habit

Thanks Nancy,

You seem so wise...

btw - what book?

[dcline]

Cravings vs. Habit

Hi Team Mom,

You are my new bff! I am the mother of 3 teenage boys and 3 step children. I have a stressful career and my home is my sanctuary. I love admiring the sunset and my garden in the spring, summer and fall with a cold beer or gin and tonic (my favorite) in tow. I am currently mourning the end of summer and my gardening (my only hobby) and have fallen victim to my very large bottle of Chardonnay. Although I still enjoy the gin and tonics - I fool myself into believing the icy, cool, fruity drink is good for me.

My entire adult life has been one of college, climbing the corporate ladder, being a strong wife, graduate school, babies, career changes, family responsibilities, management responsibilities... When pregnant with my 3rd son (in 3 years), my husband and I moved across the country in hopes of me stepping down from the wage earner and being a mom to our 3 boys. My brilliant idea was to purchase a franchise that I could operate from home. My 3rd child was born and in the recovery room, my teacher called in sick for the rest of the week. I found myself teaching lessons 24 hours after birth, with my infant and mother in tow, trying to keep my business afloat. I went a couple of years nurturing 3 toddlers and new business, with only a couple of hours of sleep each night. This is not what I hoped for. Despite my endless hours and work, my business failed and we filed for bankruptcy. I sank into depression and after suicidal thoughts (not an option with 3 needy toddlers), I started anti-depressants, started a full-time job with a 1 1/2 hour commute and kept the business afloat at night until it was finally sold. When the business sold, I also divorced my husband. After surviving motherhood to 3 small children, a failed business and a needy husband... I had enough.

That is when the "habit" started. I searched for anything that would bring me solace. Unfortunately that was quiet "mommy time" and a glass of wine. It has been 13 years since this tough time. Since this time, my children have grown into teenagers. I have remarried to a wonderful man and have taken his 3 grown children under my wing. I have a flourishing career and a beautiful home. My husband is busy coaching and my teenage boys are busy with their social lives. Therefore, I finally find that I have the "mommy time" that I have been searching for over the years. I come home from a stressful day of work (do I really have 18 years until retirement - God help me, I hope I die before then. I can't make it 18 years), and I transport children to and from their activities. I make dinner, clean up the mess and then the rest of the evening is mine. I am sooooooooooo happy to drink, eat and read magazines or watch TV until I pass out into bed. I've been waiting for this time of my own for years and now that I have it, I've been reduced to a drunken, fat existence.

The sad part is that I know it is wrong and I hate looking at myself in the mirror, but I've never been more content.

Not sure why I chose tonight to spill my guts but I did so. If anyone can relate and can see another way out... let me know!

[Riker]

Cravings vs. Habit

Hi Dcline,

I can relate to the "alone" time after a hard day's work, stress eating at me all day and I find myself thinking about that ice cold beer when it's 10:30am..I just can't wait to get home, first thing I do is grab a beer, then another etc... I love to drink when I am making dinner..I am a man, husband and father of a 9 year old daughter..I do all of the cooking, been cooking for 20 years, and I'm pretty good at it, at least my family and friends think so. To me, a cold beer, a hot pan and the music going is the best time ever. Problem is that I drink 8 to 12 beers a day..it's getting to be hard to function at work ..I do my job well but I strugle to get throught it.. I work for the Canadian Government as a Chief of IT Security with a team of 12 staff. It's pretty heavy duty most days. I get home and jump on my computer with a cold beer and some tunes, I want nothing to do with anyone for at least 30 minutes..then I start dinner, with more beer and more tunes..my wife cleans up after dinner..that's the deal.. I make the good food, she cleans up.. I'll watch some tv with my daughter before she goes to bed and then play computer games or watch more tv until 11:00pm.. all the while drinking more beer, one after the other.. I seem to get more energy the more I drink..until I get to the last one. The next morning, my perky and AF wife (she does not drink unless it's a special occasion ie: 2 glasses of wine max) wakes me up at 6:30am every work day and I just want to sink into my mattress in darkness for the entire day.. she is happy and full of energy, I wan to die, getting up is painfull, I hate myself at that time of day..I really do..I feel like total crap..it's the middle of the week, I have tons of meetings and I drank 14 beers the night before.. not a good thing.. not a good life.. I joined MYO this past August.. I managed to stay AF 12 days out of 14 days..which was a first for me for at least 25 years.. but I've been drinking every day since then.. not always a lot..but most often than not it's been 8 to 10 beers every weekday and more on weekends..

Anyways, I don't know why I decided to tell you my story now..but I feel some connection to what you are saying.. our lives are different but we do have some common situations..

Take care, and let's try and beat this monster that takes over our lives.. and get our original ones back..

Riker

[Suki411]

Cravings vs. Habit

Riker and Dcline

I wrote an extremely long post in response to both of yours, detailing what I've been through for the last 25 years. Read it, erased it. I think it was a very important thing for me to do today. I learned so much about myself, forgot who I was, because of my drinking. Went to a farm stand, came home to cook, when I opened the refrigerator to put away my food, found several heads of brown lettuce, then cleaned out the refrigerator. Yuck, threw out a lot of outdated stuff and thought, what a waste.

Lately, had only been opening the freezer to get the vodka. I realized what I had been doing to my body, my mind, my self-esteem. Went out and bought myself some flowers, stopped in to see a friend who was putting up her Xmas tree with her kids and a couple of their cousins. The kids had all been out last night and were so hung over. They all had a beer in their hands. I was offered a drink, said no and as I was leaving, was asked to go to the liquor store to pick up some more beer and a bottle of wine. Drove down, went in and for the first time was not tempted to buy anything. I think I'm still in a bit of shock. I passed today's test. No voice whispering in my ear.

This has been the second time this month that I've reached 4 days AF. I know that I'll make it through day 5 and hopefully will reach day 30. That's my goal.

I've learned so much from all of you. I know the supplements are really helping. Thank you all.

[FinallyRN]

Cravings vs. Habit

Riker and Dcline and Suki411

I could so relate to your stories. I am a health care profession. I carry a pager 10-12 days a month for emergencies, but I still manage to drink the other 15 days. After a day full of emergencies the only way I know to unwind is wine. The turning point for me was when my 17 yr old son, was just turning 13 and I felt I had to be an example. I couldn't be in the kitchen with a glass of wine, smoking a cigarette lecturing about the health hazards, so the drinking went underground..........I'd always wait until he was out or asleep. The amounts became larger and then if I ran out of wine I'd go to my husbands vodka supply, and if that was gone, anything would do. ( Thankfully my husband is not a drinker ) I am also the major money earner to add more stress. The mornings.......well, you can imagine, I'm sure. I see my first patient at 0700 am, not much time to get yourself together. I also was called into my supervisor office for counseling. She saw me as extremely depressed and wanted me to seek help. Drinking went undetected, the depression WAS from the alcohol. I felt I was carrying a huge secret and felt worthless because it had taken over. I knew I had a problem and I didn't know how to combat it, I felt totally lost, alone, and embarrassed. I'm not sure my husband even knew how bad it was as I'd sneak it. He'd bring the subject up and get mad at me. I had surrendered my strength to it. I read some entries about the secret trips to the trash so as not to let their partner see how much they had consumed the night before.........that was me.
Anyway, it took me another year to get help. That was approx 3 years ago now. I went to AA, although I appreciated the company it wasn't enough for me........I don't know how to explain it any better. I've had a long period of AF but gradually have increased my consumption again, and then I found this site, about a week ago. I have to say that I have gotten more out of this group than anything else I've tried. I love the camaraderie, the support, the share of information and I don't have to drive anywhere to get it! I can stay on as long as I want and when I want. Its been a god send!
So, here I am, even though my consumption is back, it'll never be back to what it was and I still need help. I've learned a lot about myself and have matured a lot. My downfall is social situations but more of that later.
I know we can help each other out of this. You are all great!

[dcline]

Cravings vs. Habit

Hi Riker and all,

Thanks for responding! I have a feeling that before I can start this program (or any), I need to find something to do in the evenings that is low stress but more healthy. It's been so long since I've had no responsibilities... I'm not sure what I used to do or what "normal" people do. There must be a way to balance now. Any suggestions? It's time to "reinvent" myself but I'm at a total loss.

[SportsGal]

Cravings vs. Habit

riker, dcline, finallyrn and all others,

this thread is something i was hoping to see. not b/c i want a justification of excuse to moderate, but b/c i agree alot of this is between the ears on habit vs. craving. i don't get the physical side effects if i don't drink. i sometimes can drink only 1 or 2 and those times are getting much more often since joining here earlier this month. like many of you, i am the major wage earner in my house and my career climb is/was my singular focus. life's stress ( chosen or not ) is what has "caused" many of us to choose alcohol ... i am trying like all of you to UN-chose this and some days are alot harder than others. this week i am going AF, i have decided for now to take weekends ODAT to drink or not to drink....

thanks for sharing...this site is great, thanks to the senior members who stay with us who are struggling more here at the beginning.

SportsGal

[dcline]

Cravings vs. Habit

Is there a better way?

Hey SportsGal,

Thanks for sharing! Sounds like you are off to a good start. And what a relief to me to see that so many others are like me and struggling like I am. If you find other coping strategies, please share them...

Thanks! dcline

[nancy]

Cravings vs. Habit

I think it helps to read about Buddhism/meditation to learn how to be at peace with your thoughts and with empty space, also with negative feelings. Maybe some of us are not good at having space or emptiness in our lives, it makes us uncomfortable. What a waste of time to fill it with an unhealthy pastime like drinking. Think about how unhealthy it is to sit alone and get immersed into your own thoughts with booze, wake up feeling bad etc.

You say you are content but also that you don't like yourself. You feel fat and don't like what you see in the mirror. That will be one way to motivate yourself. You are here of your own free will and clearly want to do something about this problem. My best advice is get strict with yourself about the at-home drinking alone habit. Cut it out enitrely because it's actually very antisocial.

What to fill it with? lots of things. There are so many other hobbies aside from gardening.

[universal]

Cravings vs. Habit

Dcline, what a great post and topic. I too have had my challenges, if you read other posts you'll hear my story but the jist of it is I drink usually a bottle of wine a night but if I'm with my BF then usually it's beer. Since finding this site at the beginning of the month of November my consumption has gone way down. Not yet where I want it, but had the best month that I have had. Cravings? Yes sometimes.......Dependence ..........yes sometimes.......I've had the hangovers with the shakes etc.........I've had the cravings........but I've also had mornings after a night of drinking where I have been fine. It depends on the amount you consume as far as I'm concerned......but hey, I'm on the journey. And I've had so much support here. As you have obviously seen with the responses to this post. We are all struggling with the same or similar issues - my goal is to be able to moderate. Which I think is the goal of a lot of heavy drinkers at first. Will I accomplish it? I don't know, will I have to go AF permantly? Maybe............still testing the waters at this point but at least I know on my journey to find out I'll have love and support along the way. That's all we can ask for.

[dexterhead]

Cravings vs. Habit

Hi to all of you!
I have loved reading what all of you have written. I am still struggling with a daily habit but I am feeling I am getting so many ideas and coping tools from this site. Like many, I accelerated into daily drinking through some very bad life stuff. Now things are better, but I'm finding myself stuck with the habit. But I WILL change!!! damnit i will!! Here is one thing that I am trying for myself that might help others. Well, no matter how shitty I feel in the morning, as I'm sure many of you can relate, by evening I'm thinking, "ahh, a glass of wine!!" What I've been doing is jotting down in my journal how I am feeling LATER, after more glasses of wine. .. recent entries: "God, I need help desperately.." --- another night: ".. the blahness, exhaustion, complete lack of any emotion.." Just documenting how shitty I feel later helps me beat it into my brain. And for me, I know a lot of it is habit. It's filling a hole, loneliness. I process things through writing them out ..
Also, there are two books I love that inspire me -- the first most of all -- Caroline Knapp's "Drinking: A Love Story." I identified with her SO much; similar profession, etc. Also, Augusten Burroughs's "Dry" was an eye-opener.
hope this helps someone as I have found so much help here although I am still not AF!!!!

[PJ]

Cravings vs. Habit

Hi dcline,

I just joined a few days ago, but had been doing the supplements for a few weeks prior. Evenings have always been my toughest time, too. I had been moderating by purchasing only two of the little wine miniatures each day, but found myself pacing or my mind racing trying to figure out what else to do. Over the past few days, though, this site has been a big help for filling in the gap. Especially the chat room. (it's hard to type and drink at the same time:-)

[dcline]

Cravings vs. Habit

Wow - the feedback from all of you is so helpful! Nancy, I love your thoughts and you hit it right on the head for me. I don't know why I'm struggling getting started. I'm honestly afraid to try. Not sure why. I used to be so self disciplined. I've had 3 children by natural childbirth, completed an MBA degree. Damn I even trained and ran the LA Marathon many years ago. But I'll get my discipline back and all of you are so helpful getting my head on straight and preparing myself mentally for what I'm about to do and I'm excited. I love to cook and love the phrase "Mise en Place" - french for "everything in place". ie: chefs that organize all of their utensils and ingredients before the begin to cook. (I know... Nancy is saying - "see, you have other interests and hobbies other then gardening" I recognize I have a problem and am trying to get myself ready (mise en place) to change my life. I read "My way out" and thus found my way here! I also read "Seven weeks to Sobriety" and "Eating, Drinking and Overthinking". Both had good info in. Thanks Dexterhead for your book suggestions - I'll check them out too. Nancy - any ideas on how to get more info on meditation and Buddhism. I bought the book "The Buddha Within" but haven't started reading it because it looks way over my head. Maybe you have another idea. And thanks Patty for the idea of the wine miniatures - great way to "control portions". And I think you and Nancy both made me understand that a big part of my problem is filling free time especially now that many life dramas are over and my three babies are now independent teenagers. I have looked forward to this time of my life and am disappointed that I've chosen to spend this it watching TV, drinking myself silly and yes, you are right, being completely antisocial. I've asked for a treadmill for Christmas and plan on spending time on the treadmill after dinner (force me to eat light and not drink) and reacquaint myself with running (or at least walking). This will help me start to fill my "free time" with a more healthy activity. Keep the suggestions coming and I'll keep sharing ideas too!

Thanks, Debbie.

[nancy]

Cravings vs. Habit

Glad you are feeling more inspired. I think we all have more power and ability than we give ourselves credit for.

I posted a lot of stuff in the past on Buddhism so I won't repeat it in this post. It's helped me enormously and in my opinion is suitable for people of all religions and atheists. You might want to a site search for Buddhism as there are a number of people on this site who have posted useful information.

It helps you face negative emotions and feelings of emptiness. It teaches you that thoughts are not everything, thoughts are not you and you start to become better able to deal with life without alcohol. It's not a cure all, nothing is, but I found it dramatically helped my mental outlook.

Check the holistic section. D2B from alabama just posted something on the value of deep breathing. I think this and meditation can be very helpful.

Authors who make Buddhism easier to understand include Jack Kornfield and Pema Chodron. Oh and I just saw a TV special with Deepak Chopra, though I have never read his material.

Hopefully some people will post some more tips on hobbies.

[Islandgirl719]

Cravings vs. Habit

I'm new here and also struggling.

I have read all your posts and they all sound so similar to my situation and it helps to know that I am not alone out there. Last night I drank a little but didn't drink until I passed out, as is the case a lot of times and my husband actually thanked me. How sad is that? When I drink too much apparently I am mean to him and he doesn't deserve it, just happens to be there I guess. I started years ago when going through a bad time and now I just do it as soon as I get home without even thinking about it, but it has gotten out of control and taken over my life. I have read the book and started the supplements, minus the prescription b/c my doctor will not prescribe it. Does anyone listen to the tapes and sometimes not get hypnotized? Sometimes I'm totally aware of everything and know that I'm not hypnotized and other times I think I fall asleep. Do they still work that way? Also, I'm confused on the time postings? Even the ones in the US sometimes show hours ahead of my time and I'm in the EST. Just wondering b/c I try and figure out when the last posting was. This is the hardest thing that I have tried to kick and it sucks.