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Do we tell our kids?

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    Do we tell our kids?

    On one of the threads the conversation has approached the subject of our kids. DO we tell them? What do we tell them? This is what I have done but I'd love some input and advice if anyone has any.

    My way of dealing with the subject of alcoholism with my son ( 17 yr ) is to handle it like any other addiction or health issue and not just focus in on THE one. We talk about it when the subject appears. Obesity, anorexia, pot, drugs. He had a friend that ended up in a coma from a drug overdose, it became a lesson, we talk about girls he knows and their eating issues. We talk about the consequences of abuse...........at 17 I dare say they have seen at least one of their friends drunk. My son has one friend in particular that is already an alcoholic in my view. I told him I like Jay but if he's drinking like that now at 16, mark my words, watch him as his drinking progresses. He's going to be in trouble.
    I have also told my son that living in balance and moderation is key. And I make it a MUST. For every night that he stays up late with his friends............( I'm not naive, I'm assuming he is doing something ) he has to balance it with physical activity. We live by the beach, I wake him up early and he has to go surfing. Less likely to stay up late the next night plus it reminds him about an activity that he loves to do. Balance. One thing I have said is that his father and I have both suffered and been treated for depression. He better watch it. I force bass playing, lessons, anything that will give him a choice other than a bottle. Happy? play and create music. Sad? play and create music, surf.........I'll get back to you in the next couple of years to tell you if it works, but this what I feel today.
    Now has he seen me drunk? I don't think so but I'm not sure. I know he's never had to put me to bed and I've never passed out if front of him but I remember picking him up at a party after I had been to one and I embarrassed him. Whether or not he attributed it to alcohol I don't know......I'm a little eccentric AF. And I'm sure I have done that a few times. Now that I think about it, one of his friends told him that I was smashed once........his friend noticed but my son didn't..........could that be he has seen me like that so many times that he thinks thats the way I am?..............uuggghhhh I feel sick.
    I think I'm going to make this a separate thread ( this came from " I love my wine" ) because I want to know how others have approached their own drinking and their children. I'd love some ideas. Hell, I'm just doing the best I can.

    #2
    Do we tell our kids?

    I think as parents we all do the best we can. My eldest son is turning 10 next month and he is aware I have a drinking problem he helps me fill in my drink tracker etc... We also discuss issue like sexuality, drug use etc.. .I have always taken the approach that life experiences are there to be learned and we are all human and if they know we are just as human as the next person then they may be more open to discussion with us about issues they are going through. My son is also a very high functioning 10 year old gifted and talented so more like talking to a 13 year old really. He has had to do some major emotional adjusting in his short life just to cope with being different at school as he will be doing high school next year. My philosiphy be open and honest they can only respect you for that. Hope it helps - Kimbo
    Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win!!

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      #3
      Do we tell our kids?

      What`s to tell? If our kids are of an age to have understanding, they already know that we are alcoholics. Having lived with us day in, day out, they couldn`t fail to know. I think this causes many of us a great deal of pain, but it`s the truth nonetheless.

      I think the time to tell our kids anything is when we`ve actually made a commitment to quit. My kid is 15 and so very proud of me quitting, which makes me proud of myself. None of us did it deliberately, but we do not have the right to bring kids into this world and raise them in homes where drink is the norm. Am in no way critical of anyone.........drink used to be the norm in my home........am just glad that`s no longer the case.

      Starlight Impress x

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        #4
        Do we tell our kids?

        Thank-you Starlight and thank-you Kimbo for your answers. You know sometimes you can't see the forrest for the trees. I have been focusing so much making sure that my son stays away from addiction that it never even occured to me that being honest and open about my issues might even help him, or that maybe he actually sees them and doesn;t want to say anything.
        I come from a family of drinkers. My mom made my dad stop drinking because it made her feel better about her consumption. She was curing herself through him. It might not make sense to you but I see I'm doing the same thing.
        Thanks again

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          #5
          Do we tell our kids?

          Went to the beer store on Friday to bring back some empties, 8 cases of 24..about one month's worth.. and it just so happen that my 9 year old daughter was with me at the time..As I pilled up the cases on the cart she says to me" Daddy, that's a lot of beer !" I said, " yes honey, but that took a long time for me to drink all those beers, I just did not bring them back to the beer store in while" she said, " Daddy, you drink to much, way to much "..

          She's 9, I'm 40.. It killed me to hear her say that.

          I have to stop....I have to...for her sake and mine.

          Riker
          Do or Do Not, There is No Try - Yoda

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            #6
            Do we tell our kids?

            Riker, been there done that.......my son is of driving age. When he first got his license he would give any excuse to use the car......."Do you need milk mom?" Can I get you anything? Anyway, I was going out to a party one Sat night when he offered to pick me up if I had too much to drink...my heart sank. It wasn't a dig, he wasn't lecturing.

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              #7
              Do we tell our kids?

              i totally relate to this thread....when i was AF for 3 months I saw such a difference in my kids...they were happier...i think they felt safer....now that i am back to drinking it kills me because i know what I am doing to them...i am starting again today ....i need to do it for them...and for me....buckle

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                #8
                Do we tell our kids?

                Buckledown, I'm with you.........I am starting today. I too have had long periods of AF but have gradually increased to where I am now, on this site looking for help and inspiration. I'm happy to say I've found both.

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                  #9
                  Do we tell our kids?

                  we can do this just one day at a time...i cant look too far in the future or it is too overwhelming....the weird thing is i prefer being AF....but i always go back ...i want to change today...buckle

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                    #10
                    Do we tell our kids?

                    Hi FinallyRN,
                    Like you my son is into skateboarding and has done surf riding. Good to know he as a activity and not hanging about on the streets. I was into gymnastic big time and said to my self i would never touch a drink like my parents. Like starlight said they already know they see with there own eyes what goes on.

                    I hope history does not repeat itself.
                    I'm starting again today if not for me, for the kids.
                    Love
                    Teardrop.x
                    family is everything to me

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                      #11
                      Do we tell our kids?

                      my parents too....i dont want to repeat history either....i want to make a new history...for me and them...buckle

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                        #12
                        Do we tell our kids?

                        Buckle and Teardrop,
                        Strength in numbers right? We can do this ODAT. I can't think any further than today. Thinking or planning how I will handle the holidays is too overwhelming.
                        Its funny, I like it when I'm AF. I'm happier, I'm more productive. I even loose weight! So why do I keep falling into the same pattern. I guess when I come up with the answer I'll be cured! My family history is very strong with alcohol drinkers, not all abusers but it never occurred to me that I might be helping my son stop the pattern by being an example rather than keeping him busy and not talking about my problem. I'm scared he'll look at me with disgust. I have to dwell on that one for a bit.
                        I'll be checking in later. I have to go to work.

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                          #13
                          Do we tell our kids?

                          You can all do this. Yes, it`s anything but easy, but you all deserve a better life, as do your kids. :l

                          Starlight Impress x

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                            #14
                            Do we tell our kids?

                            Best of luck everyone. Remember if a child lives with love he learns to love.
                            We can and must do this for our kids.
                            Paula.
                            .

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                              #15
                              Do we tell our kids?

                              Hi Everyone

                              I can relate to everything you are saying. My son knows that I have been AF for a few days now and that I am really really trying to cut down and moderate my drinking - Hie is 24 and likes to drink himself - but last night he said to me that he was really proud of what I was doing - It bought tears to my eyes and needless to say has spurred me on to try harder.

                              Honesty is the best policy however not every child is the same and your honesty may need to be couched in different styles to suit the needs of an individual child

                              My daughter is different to my son. She is VERY judgmental everything is black or white and there is nothing in between. Her thoughts are if you have a drink everyday you are an Alcoholic (she doesn't drink at all). So I have to be so so careful on what I say to her. Getting support from her is possible but may not be the type I actually need right now. So I am being honest with her to the degree that I have said that I only want to drink at the weekend for weight issues. Partly true but not the whole truth and definitely not a lie. So I think giving some information on a needs to know basis can be a positive option

                              Hope that helps

                              :h Sweetpea XXXXXXXXXX
                              :flower: Keep strong and focused things do get better and you will find your happy :h

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