alone ..!!

[dexterhead]

greetings: I've been lurking around here for about a month and posting here and there. I have been so inspired by so many people's stories; I REALLY think this site is going to help me. I have the book and some of the supps, but still haven't gone AF, and I wanted to know if anyone has any of the same issues ...
I"ve always liked to drink but didn't become a daily and problem drinker until when I was going through a divorce three years ago from my (until then) best friend .... had a seemingly great marriage until my husband's serious damage from his hellish childhood came spewing out in the form of vicious anger, most of it unloaded on me. It was a really shattering experience. Well I did survive, but still am not moving forward. And I know that alcohol is not only keeping me from moving forward, but also that I'm AFRAID on some deep level to give up booze because then I will have to really restart my life. I don't know if any of this makes sense. But, for instance, the booze has made me gain a ton of weight. I used to stay in shape, dress nice, etc... And I think I am using the booze and the extra weight to hide behind .. because I am so bloody scared of really starting over, really find out who I am , and the worst terror of all, the idea of DATING AGAIN !!!!
For so long, it's been one excuse after another. It's been .. well, I'll stop drinking after the divorce .. didn't happen .. well, I'll stop drinking after I move (of course he got the house) .. didn't happen .. then more life stressors .. still hasn't happened!!! There is so much shame .. I shudder to think of seeing people I used to know .. but in a way the whole thing has become my own little comfort zone, although every morning I wake up and think "WHY do I keep doing this to myself????"
If anyone has any words of wisdom, thank you ... :thanks:

[Accountable for Me]

alone ..!!

I don't really have any words of wisdom to offer. I know what it is like to 'promise' myself I will quit when I .... or after I .....

I truly believe we all make excuses and keep on drinking.

The thing for me was, I simply got so sick and tired of what the drinking was doing to my life. I am not only talking about the health/self esteem aspects of it, I am talking more about how much control it had over me.

I was so fed up with the way my life was going and how miserable I was, I decided enough was enough. This was last December. I haven't had a complete year of being AF, but aside from a couple of nights drinking, I can't believe how much my life has changed. This is because of the commitment I made to myself to rid the H*ll alcohol brought me.

It was NOT easy, and at times I still wish I could have a couple glasses of wine. I know if I did try to moderate my drinking I will be back to where I was a year ago. I wouldn't trade sobriety for anything in the world. It has opened so many doors for me. I have regained a lot of control back in my life, and some of my self esteem. Some days are still pretty rough, but I do know in time, things will get easier and easier.

Stick around and utilize the program here. You can do this, really you can. Some things in life are simply out of our control, and we need to learn how to cope without the alcohol.

[Guest]

alone ..!!

Hi dexterhead,
You already know within yourself that booze is holding you back from having the fulfilling life you truly desire. Yes, it is frightening to let go of the drink........I had a vice-like grip on my nightly wine as drinking was my escape, or so I thought. Drink was actually my self-imposed prison, as it now seems to be yours. There is so much in life for you to look forward to, but none of that will start to happen until you find the guts and steely determination to turn your back on the drink. Perhaps you think you aren`t strong enough to quit........that`s exactly how I felt, until I forced myself to REALLY try. Don`t keep your life on hold due to booze.........we all deserve so much more out of life. Go get it, girl!!!

Wishing you love and strength,

Starlight Impress x

[Suki411]

alone ..!!

Dexter, never married, spent years talking care of aging parents, grandparents. Lost a few wonderful relationship because of it. Now that my mom has passed away (spent lots of time with her to allow her to be at home) I realized that I can now have a life. It scared the hell out of me. Dating? YIKES! But, have finally realized that my drinking just adds to my depression, adds to my lack of self-esteem, masks who I am.

I haven't been AF since I started last month, had 7 day without AL, a blip, then 5 days AF, had a drink last night with my best friend and her family, watching a holiday movie. But didn't come home and drink alone.

Dex, I can't tell you how much better I feel about myself in a short time. So much more in control, getting to know myself again.

I agree with Starlight and AFM, it's not easy to kick the beast, but it is so worth the journey.

Best of luck,you will find much love and support here. Go for it!
Going back to start taking my supps again today (didn't take them yes

[cuckoosnest83]

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Hi dex, our stories sound somewhat similar. I've never been married but was in a very long term relationship (>15 years) that ended in July and he moved out end of September. When that happened I knew it was up to me to get my life under control. Like you I had gained weight. I also had become boring and sedentary. Prior to letting drinking control my life I had always been in great shape and had a very active social life. Since joining this site in September, I have achieved a total of ~ 45 days without alcohol. I have joined the gym and have lost almost all of the weight I gained and I'm doing volunteer work to slowly ease myself back into doing things other than sitting home drinking. It hasn't been easy but it definitely has been rewarding. If you keep coming here and posting and you really want to do this I think you can. The main ingredient is a desire on your part to want to change.

Cuckoo

[time2change]

alone ..!!

Dexter
I joined this site sometime aroung June. Read alot but didn't get very involved until just this month. I have learned so much from all of the wonderful people that post on this site. Some will post daily and some occasionally, but just reading their stories and receiving their support has already changed my life. I am only on day 5 after a zillion day 1/s. This time feels so different. I want what I hear others saying they have finally acheived in their life. I too felt completely alone. I am in a unhappy marriage and retreat to my bedroom night after night to drink until I pass out. Or at least I did. i have no self-esteem, freinds, hobbies escept for drinking. I am changing that and I can already feel a confidence I thought I would never feel again. If you really want to do it you can. I know what you mean about using alcohol to stop moving forward. That was exactly what I was doing. But life if too short to not move forward. Fear of moving forward allows us to beleive that drinking is our only friend. If you post here you will find that in a very short time you will have more real friends that really care about you than you ever dreamed possible. I know I have found that and I wish you the same. Please stay here it will change your life.

[cuckoosnest83]

alone ..!!

Hi time2, good luck with moving forward.

cuckoo

[Minsk]

alone ..!!

You have to want to stop

Dex - First off - the fact that you are here, on the site, shows that you want to change what you are doing. Scared? Da*n right it is scary! It is so easy to fall into a routine, and go into escape mode. But you are taking the first baby steps to a new way of doing things. Be happy that you are trying to make a difference!!

First off - my condolences about the divorce. However, I firmly believe it is better to be out of a relationship like that (if you will be the emotional punching bag for someone else) than be in a relationship like that. Alcohol aside - this is a tough thing to do. Hang in there - it does get better with time.

The weight? Yup - me too. I am carrying around about 25 xtra lbs, but until you make the switch - exchange reaching for a glass of wine with taking the dog for a walk, or doing yoga, or.... this won't change. Again recognizing that this is a problem you want to change should be a part of the motivating factor "not" to reach for that glass of wine. Even if thinking about your extra weight will stop you from taking one single drink, this is good.

I hit rock bottom the week of February 2, 2005, and I have slowly been climbing out of my own personal hell since then. It really is a day at a time, and there will be setbacks, but you can do it. Keep reading, keep posting - even if you fall off the wagon - we are all here behind you, because we are in the same boat :l

[zige]

alone ..!!

Hi dexter
I am a recovering alcoholic for 21 yrs,Am i proud of that yes,does it give me bragging rites, hell no.I like you and everyone on this site is the most beautiful person in the (word).Right now at this moment i am in my piece of heaven i am sober living in the moment like any one else.my whole 24hours i will be living in the moment in my piece of heaven.we don't have tomorrow,when it gets here its today.if you want sobriety live one moment at a time in your heaven, because your earning it.projecting only causes you more pain.Keep it simple do not get confused.Is it easy,hell no.Is it worth it,my God i am in heaven.Every day you are sober you are putting that beautiful person back together.you will feel better with each day you are sober.Bring your higher power into your life it will help you from being alone,and be there for you when you need strenth and guidance.You will in your journey see the little small things that your higher power does for you so that you can continue on.The nice part is when you are sober you are comfortable in you own skin.Everybody has problems,when you are sober you can handle them.i am going to ask my higher power who i call Godto give you the tools to make the journey into your piece of heaven.I came on this site by accident and was so impressed by the love for one another,everybody is there for you you belong here we need you.Just ask you are never alone.Take care and start your first day of heaven.we all love you .(me).

[FinallyRN]

alone ..!!

Hi Dex,
You and I started about the same time on this site. I have read your post and you have read mine. I was AF for a long time so I know I can do it but it hasn't made this time any easier. I think everyone up to this point has covered everything I was going to say, except this. I use to tell myself I'd deal with it tomorrow, then tomorrow, that was 3 years ago and I have not moved. Do you know where you want to be in 3 years time? If you don't fight this, you're already there.
Keep trying. We're here with you.

[fickle]

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Hi Dex,

Am in the same boat.. having hard time breaking the habit as I went to pieces after bad relationship/divorce/nursing dying parents.. etc.. rotten times.. am also terrified of what will happen if I begin again! Dating? No way!! Scard to hell!!

Have also lots of weight to lose. Used to be such an energetic optomistic sort of person.. was never a movie star but was always healthy & athletic. For last 3 years have been in a kind of frantic terror driven mode.. must stop and start anew.

Am beginning today day 1 af again. Hang in and keep posting.. you will make changes as and when you should.. begin your journey back to your old self.. that's what I'm trying to do.

Have had a few attempts at getting AF and done well each time.. then slipped, but learned something each time.. is getting better. As Zige said above "Every day you are sober you are putting that beautiful person back together". I tell myself this, as every day I am af I can see myself coming back.. losing weight, clearer skin.. puffiness goes away.. start dreaming again.. lots of good things.

Keep posting
xxx

[Mags]

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Hi dex

I was going to write some sage words of advice but everyone else has written such beautiful ones above that I don't have much to add.

Just let me say welcome and I hope you find lots of help and friendship here. We all want to take this wonderful journey with you.

:welcome:

[dexterhead]

alone ..!!

THANK YOU to all of you who replied. All of your words give me courage. The booze makes far worse all of my very worst tendencies .. some of which are, lack of motivaiton, disorganization, and procrastination!!! Yes, the alcohol is a little prison I have built myself. And I am going to start tearing it down!!!
Thank you again. I'm going to stick close here.

[Suki411]

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Dex, your post hit home with me, big time.

lack of motivaiton, disorganization, and procrastination!!! Yes, the alcohol is a little prison I have built myself. And I am going to start tearing it down!!!

I'm going out tomorrow and getting a sledge hammer.

Glad you are here.

[LadyJessica]

alone ..!!

dexterhead;241535 wrote: The booze makes far worse all of my very worst tendencies .. some of which are, lack of motivaiton, disorganization, and procrastination!!! Yes, the alcohol is a little prison I have built myself. And I am going to start tearing it down!!!

Dex thanks for the inspiring words - I feel exactly the same. I have all those bad tendencies too and when I'm drinking I can forget about it and not care until i wake up in the morning and face an even WORSE situation because of what I put off yesterday!

Jess