Good morning, alll...
I am posting in "Just Starting Out", because I feel like I am... I haven't written "My Story" yet.. that will be another day...
I did drink last night when I came home to an empty house. I had three glasses of wine and stopped. I poured the rest down the drain. I told myself I would not go through this emotional situation with anythng but clear eyes. I need to feel these emotions, the anger, the sadness, the disappointment, all of it. I also have an 11 year old daughter (he is not the father), and I have to be here for her. My daughter see our counselors (she has her own for this), on Monday. We will get through this just fine.
We took off on the day before Christmas, unexpected, as I just couldn't take it any longer. I will try and enlighten you, without boring you. It is going to be good for me to write this out.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 6. I was a single mother of a beautiful 2 year old (my daughter was a love-child - her artist father is still here and very involved in her life). He had been divorced for 5 years, coming out of a TERRRIBLE 15 year marriage. She had affairs. He continued to stay. She was completely void of the marriage, and yet he stayed. I used to think it was becasue of his kids, but I know now that it was not. He just couldn't be alone. He would rather stay in a terrible situation than be alone - I know that now. Soon after we got married, he and his kids became estranged. it was VERY confusing to me. I now understand. He just can't give - as they got older they saw this. He just is frozen when it comes to participating in relationships. They got this...
He and I went through a difficult financial situation a few years into our marriage, but we got through it, or should I say I got us through it. He kind of put his head in the sand and I handled all of the financial paperwork, attorneys, and accountants. I had a successful business for 7 years before I was with him (I owned a Headhunting Firm for Techies companies in Silicon Valley), but when the dot-com boom happened it was hurt me. Unfortunately we kept feeding it, trying to make it work, but in the end, it failed. We both lost our houses and had to file for bankruptcy. Anyway, he just turned away and I had to handle it, and this was the first blow to me. I recovered quickly, mentally and financially, went back into the spa business and as you know, love my work, and am successful again. He went back to skiing. Our finances have been separate since this time, thankfully.
After that happened, 3 1/2 years ago, things started to change. I started to change. I made a conscious decision to change my life. I started to meditate more intesly, strengthened my Buddhist practice, I quit drinking and I left a lot of friends I had had in my life, and went back to school. I wanted to change my life..... My husband didn't like any of it. I know now that this person I was becoming wasn't the person he married. He once told me this. I was confused as I was changing my life for the better? But he married a younger (13 years his junior), gragerious, drinking, playing, and most importantly, a woman who initiated everything. We would talk for hours drinking, but it was effecting my daughter. I had to change. So, I don't drink wine with him for hours and he has nothing to say... funny how that works... Once I decided to change, I saw that I had been doing almost everything in the relationship, organizing the house, my daughter, all vacations, holidays, everything - he just showed up. Before I was glad to do it all as being in charge was very important, but now I was softening and so I put in my resignation as GM of the universe!! I wanted someone to participate and care for me. This is when it all started to change. Slowly, we started growing apart. I started going on retreats by myself, seeing a counselor on a regular basis to get rid of old baggage, and allow myself to come out. I had been hiding behind work and booze for a very long time. I needed more. He grew further distant - at home.
My husband has a very public job. He manages a huge staff, and does so very well. But this is what defines him. He can only talk about work, there is nothing else there anymore. I have told hm that the world needs more from him. He quit doing all of his outdoor activities he used to, he just works and talks about work, has a whiskey, falls asleep in his chair, then goes to bed.
In the end, I just felt I couldn't have a void like this any longer in my life. I was stressed to come home every night, but didn't realize it was him. It was harder and harder to not drink again.. I was getting sick and hurt on a continual basis, I felt restricted, held down, but I didn't know why? My husband is a very good actor. Every night he would come home, always in a good mood, and pretend he was happy. I truly believe he just wanted company, an audience. There was no intimacy behind it. Just a show. In public, he was the perfect husband, so he thought. Always wanting me on his arm (arm candy, is that the term), then at home he would just shut down - show over. void.
So, last week I found out a few disturbing details and that was the final straw for me. I just told him I didn't want to be in this any longer. I needed to be free to continue my growth. I will not blame my husband for my drinking, because that started much before I met him, but in the past 3 1/2 years I have really wanted to stop. He has always wanted someone to drink with - it was hard. He married a drinking buddy.
I believe I can continue my growth now. I feel free and my lungs can take deep breaths. I have a week before my daughter comes home from my parents. He moved out while I was gone over Christmas. So, I will take this week to regroup. I WILL NOT DRINK! I want my spirit back, my body back, and I will and can do it now.
Thank you for letting me get this out. Thank you for being here. I hope I can be here for all of you again.
MM
Day ONE into her new life.
I am posting in "Just Starting Out", because I feel like I am... I haven't written "My Story" yet.. that will be another day...
I did drink last night when I came home to an empty house. I had three glasses of wine and stopped. I poured the rest down the drain. I told myself I would not go through this emotional situation with anythng but clear eyes. I need to feel these emotions, the anger, the sadness, the disappointment, all of it. I also have an 11 year old daughter (he is not the father), and I have to be here for her. My daughter see our counselors (she has her own for this), on Monday. We will get through this just fine.
We took off on the day before Christmas, unexpected, as I just couldn't take it any longer. I will try and enlighten you, without boring you. It is going to be good for me to write this out.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 6. I was a single mother of a beautiful 2 year old (my daughter was a love-child - her artist father is still here and very involved in her life). He had been divorced for 5 years, coming out of a TERRRIBLE 15 year marriage. She had affairs. He continued to stay. She was completely void of the marriage, and yet he stayed. I used to think it was becasue of his kids, but I know now that it was not. He just couldn't be alone. He would rather stay in a terrible situation than be alone - I know that now. Soon after we got married, he and his kids became estranged. it was VERY confusing to me. I now understand. He just can't give - as they got older they saw this. He just is frozen when it comes to participating in relationships. They got this...
He and I went through a difficult financial situation a few years into our marriage, but we got through it, or should I say I got us through it. He kind of put his head in the sand and I handled all of the financial paperwork, attorneys, and accountants. I had a successful business for 7 years before I was with him (I owned a Headhunting Firm for Techies companies in Silicon Valley), but when the dot-com boom happened it was hurt me. Unfortunately we kept feeding it, trying to make it work, but in the end, it failed. We both lost our houses and had to file for bankruptcy. Anyway, he just turned away and I had to handle it, and this was the first blow to me. I recovered quickly, mentally and financially, went back into the spa business and as you know, love my work, and am successful again. He went back to skiing. Our finances have been separate since this time, thankfully.
After that happened, 3 1/2 years ago, things started to change. I started to change. I made a conscious decision to change my life. I started to meditate more intesly, strengthened my Buddhist practice, I quit drinking and I left a lot of friends I had had in my life, and went back to school. I wanted to change my life..... My husband didn't like any of it. I know now that this person I was becoming wasn't the person he married. He once told me this. I was confused as I was changing my life for the better? But he married a younger (13 years his junior), gragerious, drinking, playing, and most importantly, a woman who initiated everything. We would talk for hours drinking, but it was effecting my daughter. I had to change. So, I don't drink wine with him for hours and he has nothing to say... funny how that works... Once I decided to change, I saw that I had been doing almost everything in the relationship, organizing the house, my daughter, all vacations, holidays, everything - he just showed up. Before I was glad to do it all as being in charge was very important, but now I was softening and so I put in my resignation as GM of the universe!! I wanted someone to participate and care for me. This is when it all started to change. Slowly, we started growing apart. I started going on retreats by myself, seeing a counselor on a regular basis to get rid of old baggage, and allow myself to come out. I had been hiding behind work and booze for a very long time. I needed more. He grew further distant - at home.
My husband has a very public job. He manages a huge staff, and does so very well. But this is what defines him. He can only talk about work, there is nothing else there anymore. I have told hm that the world needs more from him. He quit doing all of his outdoor activities he used to, he just works and talks about work, has a whiskey, falls asleep in his chair, then goes to bed.
In the end, I just felt I couldn't have a void like this any longer in my life. I was stressed to come home every night, but didn't realize it was him. It was harder and harder to not drink again.. I was getting sick and hurt on a continual basis, I felt restricted, held down, but I didn't know why? My husband is a very good actor. Every night he would come home, always in a good mood, and pretend he was happy. I truly believe he just wanted company, an audience. There was no intimacy behind it. Just a show. In public, he was the perfect husband, so he thought. Always wanting me on his arm (arm candy, is that the term), then at home he would just shut down - show over. void.
So, last week I found out a few disturbing details and that was the final straw for me. I just told him I didn't want to be in this any longer. I needed to be free to continue my growth. I will not blame my husband for my drinking, because that started much before I met him, but in the past 3 1/2 years I have really wanted to stop. He has always wanted someone to drink with - it was hard. He married a drinking buddy.
I believe I can continue my growth now. I feel free and my lungs can take deep breaths. I have a week before my daughter comes home from my parents. He moved out while I was gone over Christmas. So, I will take this week to regroup. I WILL NOT DRINK! I want my spirit back, my body back, and I will and can do it now.
Thank you for letting me get this out. Thank you for being here. I hope I can be here for all of you again.
MM
Day ONE into her new life.
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