What am I doing, why so selfish?

[mountainmama]

I am new again to MYO. I gave up all to soon in 06, and never looked back. Now I'm back, begging for help. I have 2 beautiful boys and a really supportive husband (as in he'll be the first one to crack a cold one open for me when he gets home ; ) I've been depressed for about 9 months, but continue to drink. I went to a therapist that perscribed Cymbalta. At first, I was a happy person again, but, duh, I was still drinking while on an antidepressant. Then I was urged to increase my dosage. Now, I find it difficult to get out of bed everyday. I used to be some what of an OCD type when it came to household/finances. Now I just don't care. My house is trashed, I won't answer my phone because the debt guys keep calling. It's not like we don't have the money, I'm just incapable of taking care of finances at this point.

My husband left for work last week, while I was hiding in bed, and when I finally dragged my hungover ass out and hopped into the shower, all I could think about was not wanting to do this anymore, not wanting to "be" anymore. I managed to get out, and the next thing I know, I'm sobbing on the bathroom floor in my towel, grasping a full bottle of excedren pm. Thank God for my forgetful husband, I guess. He came home 45 minutes after he left, because he forgot our son's inhaler. He came up expecting to find me still hiding safely in our bed, but he walked in on a total mess. Fast forward, I'm in the phych ward at the hospital, swearing that I wasn't really going to do it. They told me that the antidepressant combined with alcohol is making things worse, but for some reason, since I've been on Cymbalta, I've had massive cravings to just drink as much as I can. I'm a small person, but I can drink very large men under the table (I AM NOT PROUD OF THAT FACT!!!!!)

Now, I'm facing my "assessment" on the 2nd, which means they want to do 14 week out patient rehab. That scares the shit out of me, because I already work full time, and only get a couple hours with my boys as it is. Wonder if I can fake my way out of the assessment, and hang out here instead?? I really don't like this...but I'm sure none of you do either, and that is why we are here. I really need some freaking hope that my life doesn't consist of coors light, cigarettes, debt collectors, remorse, shame and hangovers!!!! AHHHHH! Happy New Year, all ( I really pray that 08 will be our best ever!)

[Determinator]

What am I doing, why so selfish?

Mountainmama, nice to have you here.
sorry to hear that you are in so much physical and mental pain. I know the both of them all to well. it's true that some anti-deps can cause people to want to drink as ironic as it may sound. certainly combining alcohol and any mood drug is a huge risk. When is the last time you got a day or to alcohol free? are you in fear with withdrawals? The 14 week program is for alcohol or depression? no matter what your decision on that MWO will always be here and is extremely useful to so many.
getting out of your funk will be a matter of planning and then accomplishing some small steps. like: at 9am get up and wash my face. then eat something etc. really easy at first and try to get into a healthy routine. You know you can do AF...you've done it before.
hoping the best....keep in touch here!

[lushy]

What am I doing, why so selfish?

All I can tell you from personal experience, and there are documented studies regarding this, is that when I went on antidepressants I never drank more. Many of them trigger something in "our" brains that make us want to and capable of drinking more. Honestly, you might want to consider weaning off and see how it goes. I know I immediately lost my urge to pound beers all day long and lost 20 pounds in the process when I weaned off.

Best of luck. I know how dark this depression can feel.

[Finding My Self]

What am I doing, why so selfish?

Mountainmama......hello.

Ouch! Poor old you.....you sound like you're hurting so much.

First off - 2008 CAN be better and you must believe it WILL be.

Baby steps first. As Deter so wisely says, tiny programmes of getting up and washing. Write down a small plan of action for the day and do it. Don't attempt debt-collectors all at once! One small bill a day - just one, and if you've got the money that's great. Gradually your confidence will return and the load off your shoulders will be wonderful. I didn't have the money but am quite sure it wasn't all that! Everything looked beyond my energy levels. But when I 'got going' it felt sooooooh great! So energising and very much part of stopping the, "Oh heck, I can't deal with all this so I'll have a drink.....oh, now I've had a drink I can't deal with it now" stuff. That stopped.

Thank God your hubby came home..... See! You're meant to be happy and healthy!

But YOU aren't really reacting here; your body is so full of chemicals fighting each other (anti-deps and booze, let alone all the hormones and toxins of life!) that your mind is over-whelmed. You can reduce the booze - not perfect, but can you see if the cravings are satisfied by chocolate or something? (worked for me!) Not brill but a massively better option than alcohol! The docs perhaps need to change/reduce you anti-deps. To check your adrenals and thyroid (huge problem in me: if only I'd known!) (Google thyroid stuff and see...)

All these things are the tip of the iceberg of possibilities.....it's so dark where you are but the light isn't far away. Investigate all the possibilities - don't just go with the "I am sh*t" stuff.....you're here and wanting the light. You're definitely NOT sh*t!!!

Here's to a really good 2008 for you Mountainmama..... And we're here for you. Don't you stay away for too long now! (Loving waggling of finger going on here!) Come and tell us what's going on for you loads and loads...

Hugs
FMS xx

[Cinders]

What am I doing, why so selfish?

Mountainmamma,

I hate to say this but I think the 14 days outpatient rehab is critical.

After I came out of two weeks rehab, which was awesome and when I came out I felt better than I had in years, I jumped right back into work and did not do the outpatient.

BIG MISTAKE.

Look at where you were and are and consider your priorities.

14 days is nothing in the big picture.

I am looking at changing my life to allow myself to make sobriety my #1 priority.

WHY? Because if not, I will not be sober and the rest of my life simply will not matter.

I have learned and now believe that for those of us who choose to continue a life of drink do end up, as they say in AA with three options. Jails, institutions or death.

I may not like AA very much but they do know about the results of drinking.

Love and strength to you,
Cindi

[Reenie]

What am I doing, why so selfish?

Mountain Mama:
Dig deep. Be brave. Go to the 14 day rehab. This is your life. Life will get better for you. Take charge. Grab tight to all the options available to you. This may be a difficult time, but if you try, try, try, what your are feeling today will pass. Life will get better. You have not only your life to save, but you’re a Mom and have responsibilities to your children. Please don't let your children see you deteriorate. You have a devoted husband. Don’t wear him down. Gosh, I feel your pain. I want to jump in your body and go to rehab for you. Obviously I can't. You must take initiative and save your life and family stability. Wishing you encouragement. Hugs, Reenie

[Akinna]

What am I doing, why so selfish?

alcohol and meds

hi..

just wanted to encourage you to try and cut down on the alcohol for I was just like you when I combined both.. it's terrible. I was on anti depression meds. and taking a lot of alcohol.. and feeling like crap all the time..and now since the supplements.. (I take Kudzu.. ) and am still on anti depression meds.. but feel so much metter..
the meds are doing their work... cause I know the alcohol was sabbataging all the good that comes from anti depression pills.. I don't even need as much as I used to ..
so anyway.. hope this helps..
take good care....
write often. you 'll see it helps..

Akinna

[Shikakai]

What am I doing, why so selfish?

Omigod! You sound like me! I too have money but was falling behind on bills. The rent is late; the utilities are late; they almost cut my PHONE off! I just didn't have the strength to make out a damn check; call the bank and ensure the account had enough money in it to cover it and MAIL it! Omigod!

I'm glad you are able to get the help you need. How does outpatient rehab work? I've never heard of it.

I'm going to call my doctor on Wednesday and make an appointment. Everyone who told me about not being afraid of the "future impact" is right. I don't care what anyone thinks. After last night, I know I have to get on some drug or I'm not going to be around much longer either.

I"m glad you are getting assistance, though. Your husband has to stop "supporting" you. I hope he now sees that he has to stop feeding you and really support your efforts to put down the bottle.

I'm praying for you, OP. Keep us advised.

BTW, I also can drink big men under the table. Probably a few of them! I'm only 5'6/130 pounds and I can put that stuff away! I don't know how my tiny system stands it!

[mountainmama]

What am I doing, why so selfish?

Thank you for all of your encouragement and support. Just getting that out there really made me open my eyes to the severity of my reality. I am excited for the first time in a long time about the new me in 08. I have nervous butterflies, but am so happy that I will get to know me and live healthy. I am AF in 08, possibly won't drink tonight, but I know the reality of "one last time...". I'm looking forward to "My next 30 years", and I am thankful for all the support and care that I've found here. You are all so wonderful, thank you for caring!

[Dolly Sunshine]

What am I doing, why so selfish?

db2fromala;247482 wrote: Mountainmamma,

I hate to say this but I think the 14 days outpatient rehab is critical.

After I came out of two weeks rehab, which was awesome and when I came out I felt better than I had in years, I jumped right back into work and did not do the outpatient.

BIG MISTAKE.

Look at where you were and are and consider your priorities.

14 days is nothing in the big picture.

I am looking at changing my life to allow myself to make sobriety my #1 priority.

WHY? Because if not, I will not be sober and the rest of my life simply will not matter.

I have learned and now believe that for those of us who choose to continue a life of drink do end up, as they say in AA with three options. Jails, institutions or death.

I may not like AA very much but they do know about the results of drinking.

Love and strength to you,
Cindi

Great post

[Suzanna]

What am I doing, why so selfish?

Mountainmama, I just want to welcome you back and add my support. Please stick around and post often. We are going to have a great '08! :l