Help -- Triggers

[dexterhead]

Hi .. I have been hanging around here since mid November planning to go AF for a while. Planned to go AF for January, but have not even made it ONE DAY and feel like such a weakling. !!!
I guess I feel I need some more tools and planning. What happened yesterday is that I guess I ran full-on into a major trigger. I went over to my former apt. building to take care of my former neighbor's kitty and this wash of feelings came over me. (I just moved away from there in August. ) I realized that the whole building and neighborhood represents loss for me, and my drinking is about loss. I moved there in the weeks after my brutal divorce, had to leave the house I loved so much as he got it. So when I moved in there in '05 I was one ball of twisted misery. On New Year's Eve '05 with some friends I said, "2006 is going to be the year my life turns around." But no ... two months later my sweet kitty, who I was attached to like he was my lifeline during all the trauma, fell and broke his back .. spent several weeks and thousands trying to save him, but had to put him down. Two months after that, I got very suddenly fired from my employer of several years, although I'd worked my butt off, improved many things, but had a new and very insecure manager I'd been clashing with (and in the U.S. you can pretty much be fired for any reason if you work for a private employer). Spent nine months unemployed and often in such a wretched condition I thought of ending it, but did not because of concern for my family.
Now I have another job and place to live, even another kitty, so much better and must lick this problem. I feel silly writing this long sob story when I have read here of others' life situations that were/are so very much more traumatic than mine. But I guess I need to spill some of it and to ask, again, for more help. Anyway, at my old place, I got that old primal feeling, self-pitying indeed, poor sad-sack me, gotta drink to cope with my sad life. How pathetic ... but I know you will understand none of this is remotely rational.
So, my question, I am going to start working hard to recognize triggers, but is there any better way to plan for them ... and/or to plan for my first days AF so I can try harder not to get hijacked by things like this. Can't believe this is so hard for me. why do I want to keep wallowing? ????sorry for long post. any help welcome!!!!!!:thanks:

[Suzanna]

Help -- Triggers

Hey Dexterhead, I just want you to know I hear you! I'm no expert, since I haven't racked up alot of AF time. I don't know how it feels going through loss of your marriage, house, kitty, job, all about the same time. You have come through it all! You should be patting yourself on the back, right? I've got a kitty and she is fast approaching 17 years old, so I worry I will lose her soon. But of course that was not your question. Sometimes I rationalize, well I had a stressful day, or, there's an event or meeting coming up that I am afraid I'm forgetting something really important for it. That can be a big trigger for me. To prepare for them I guess it would be good to write down what you are feeling and why, notice a pattern, and just try to do something different one time.
Oh and your avatar freaks me out, in a good way! :H

[jaxbungee]

Help -- Triggers

recognizing triggers

Yep - I know the feeling. I'd tried going AF a couple times, and my SO would start watching either Fear Factor or 24. (TV is a huge trigger for me. It's much easier to watch it when I'm drunk - and painful to watch when I'm sober, so I've learned to keep it off).

One of the themes I've seen repeated here is that exercise may help overcome the trigger - brisk exercise, to get the endorphins flowing, and your heart pumping. I've found that for me, even a walk around the block (which for me is 20 minutes or so) can cut the urge - although my walk isn't that brisk. Pick up the phone, call a friend whose support you can count on - anything for a distraction (stop over to visit the neighbor, tease the cat with a feather boa, throw some tennis balls for the dog, whatever works for today)

Repeatedly circumventing the trigger will make that trigger lose its potency.

(my disclaimer: I'm only on day 4 AF, and in 10 minutes I can walk to the liquor store and back with a purchase. I keep distracting myself when I'm feeling weak. Fortunately, my SO dumped me after 8 years, and I realized that I didn't start drinking at all until we'd met so long ago. I'll be damned if I'll give that person the power to destroy my life now! It's my life, and I'll get it back under my control!)

[kingfisher]

Help -- Triggers

Hi dexterhead. Make a list of your triggers then avoid them or have an alternate plan.
Whenever you discover a new trigger add it to the list.
Here's one way of going about dealing with triggers.


SITUATION:
I THINK:
I HAVE AN URGE TO:
I NEED TO:
I CAN:


Think about the dangerous areas in your life. When are you most likely to relapse? Name them all and choose to change your patterns in order to remain AF. Here's an example.



SITUATION: Friday nights were always a time to drink heavy.
I THINK: It's time to kick back & have some fun.
I HAVE AN ERGE TO: Go to my favorite bar or stop at the liquor store on my way home.
I NEED TO: Realize this is a slippery time and plan something else-before hand.
I CAN: Go shopping, Attend an AA meeting, go out for dinner, rent or go to a movie, visit a friend.




Hope this will help you with your triggers, it's worth a try.
I wish you all the best.
K.F.

[keeta]

Help -- Triggers

hey dex...i totally understand about triggers..one of my silliest is that we live in a remote area.and do a major grocery shop every two weeks....i always grab a six pack to drink while i spend three hours rearanging cupboards and the two fridges.
that shopping day was today.
i didn't make it AF.dammit.
after all the great support here, i feel like i have let everyone.and me......down.
i should have planned better.
be aware of your "drinking" habits.and plan alternative things to do!
good luck
tomorrow i am back to day one...want to join me?

[February72]

Help -- Triggers

Dexterhead,
Firstly, the dancing cat is great.
Secondly, I know how you feel. I just moved from an apartment complex where I had a good, good friend die. So, I understand triggers somewhat. I'm just hoping my new enviroment will help me lay off the drink.
Last year I had a terrible, failed attempt to reconcile with my ex. Then I met someone on the net who seemed to be exactly who I needed. I flew to California to meet her. Guess she was nice enough to make my stay pleasant, but dropped me like a bomb as soon as I left. This was immediately followed by having to have my cat put down due to a nasty UTI. I know I wallow in this muck and often it's subconscious I think as I have tried to put all of these ghosts to rest. Hang in there...

[lookingforhope]

Help -- Triggers

Hi Dexter....

It's not snowing here, so I do not think we are from the same state. The triggers. You see, I have most fortunate to get away from a few for awhile but keep finding more. I'm not sure if its really the triggers, which are of very pertinent...but the fact that even without those triggers, we find others so that we can do what we continue to do, Drink.

Maybe your triggers are deap seated (mine are). I suppose maybe it is simply a matter of what we Really want to do. I've been losing, even afer some breakthroughs. You say you have not went one day. Well....hmmm.

What exactly is it that makes us think we have to drink? I don't go through physical withdrawals. Do you?

I simply want to feel numb I think. Dexter....shall we try this? Day by day? I of course will not be drinking tomorrow (ha ha). Want to join me with the one day in 2008? I posted another thread...and so speechless right now, I cannot respond. Where do we want to be in 2011?

[slightlysuze]

Help -- Triggers

My approach to triggers is to admit it's right there in front of me, remind myself that it's a 'neutral' thing in that I CAN choose how I react to it, but the most helpful thing is to remind myself that having a drink will NOT make the situation any better, in fact it will probably make it worse. Just ask yourself when the trigger happens.....will alcohol make this any better in the long run?

Triggers will always be there.....gotta have a serious strategy for dealing with them, and that's the one that works for me!

Plus.....always turn aside and do something else....at home I clear out a cupboard, walk the dogs etc.....or eat chocolate!

Suze x

[sandie_stevens]

Help -- Triggers

Hi dexter

You were there for me last night, thanks for that really feel for you, as you know I am not doing too brill on the AF either. I can totally understand your traumas as I have had a bad divorce in the past I am in a relationship of 5yrs which is not brill. Oh and I am a big animal lover ( apprently we british are known for it!) I have just brought a computer game brain training and some books I figured I cant drink and read or do brain training also I intend to join an evening school. Maybe these suggestions would help you too give you/me something other than that first drink to focas on. Keep in touch.X

[nancy]

Help -- Triggers

I haven't gone AF but I have done a lot of thinking about the types of feelings that encourage drinking. I think when you have a problem, you start to link bad feelings with booze. (But it's true that we also link good feelings with booze, like in celebrating)

So it's a slow process, but you need to start unlinking bad feelings with booze. You know, in relationships with people, there are some you go to in a crisis and others you don't seek support from. The relationship with alcohol needs to be change so that you don't turn to booze when you are helpless anymore.

It probably would be better to turn to a friend, call someone and chat. Or plan an outing. i like to go to the movies for some escapism.

The thing that has helped me most of all is to develop a better relationship with myself so that if I get lonely, I am not desperate for some outside form of solace-- alcohol.

So instead of saying: "Poor me, my life has been horrible", give yourself some support. Remind yourself of how things are better now, you survived some really tough times and seem to have rebounded. You can take some pride in that.

The truth is that we all go through painful events but that we can survive and get on better than we give ourselves credit for. I read a book called Feeling Good, about dealing with depression, and along with many other things, it really helped me turn around the negative inner dialogue in my mind so that it is more positive now. But believe me, I still struggle with it.

I think often we try to run away from negative feelings or get rid of them. We feel overwhelmed. It's so much healthier to accept them and work with them, with self-love and support. Easier said than done.

By the way, I think this was in the Feeling Good book, it helps to plan a schedule for yourself, keep yourself busy. So maybe you could write down a things to do schedule in your early days of AF.

[dexterhead]

Help -- Triggers

Thank you all SO much!!! Each person who gave me a comment on this thread had something really insightful to say. This is such an amazing group ... wow. Thank you. I am going to start being more of a "planner." Unfortunately, I am a somewhat disorganized person to begin with and drink makes it worse (for instance, I simply cannot find R. Jewell's book at the moment, lost somewhere in my apartment ) but I've got to start being tougher with myself!! Damnit, I deserve to be healthy ... all of us do!

[nancy]

Help -- Triggers

Yeah, it's tough to get organized. We can't all be type A personalities.

I think that one book I read about depression advised against too much unstructured time. And I think that this is a danger zone.

I was thinking about your post again today and something occurred to me...

If a friend has been through something traumatic, imagine how you would respond. Would you keep reminding the friend of all the bad things in the past? Imagine if you did that, the friend might break down or even cry! No, you would try to focus either on positive things from the past or on creating new positive memories. So when you start reminding yourself of all the negative memories from the past (dead cats, horrible divorces etc), realize how much you are hurting yourself. That's why I always stress learning how to be a good friend to yourself...

Good luck learning how to be a type A!

[dexterhead]

Help -- Triggers

Thank you Nancy .. you are truly wise and have helped me so much! YOu are absolutely right about the unstructured time. That is my biggest problem. I need to fill my time with things like freelance work, volunteer work, etc. I have known this for a long time, but I needed to have it pointed out to me again ...
And yes, I need to learn to be a friend to myself. I am not big on self-help books but I think I will look for the one you mentioned.

[nancy]

Help -- Triggers

Well, I have read a lot about depression for many years. but that particular book Feeling Good helped me a lot.

It also helped that I was ready to be an ally to myself and not an enemy. I don't know why in the Western culture we are taught that self-criticism is a virtue. I think it's taken to an extreme here.

I first read about cognitive behavioral therapy 10 years ago but it was only after reading the book Feeling Good last year that I could actually apply it in practice. Maybe I was more ready for it. I realized that a substantial, if not majority of my depression was caused by my own relationship with myself. It wasn't realistic at all, it was pure negativity. And I was eternally looking for something external to ease my woes and tell me I was worthwhile. The reality, I now realize, was that there were so many people giving me positive feedback but I was much more open to the negative stuff, so a lot of my mechanisms for processing feedback from people were off kilter.

Last year, I discovered this website and I really think my relationship with myself has turned around. I didn't just use this website, I read books that were suggested here, including Feeling Good. I looked up all the links. I got a thorough education in alcoholism. I feel I really benefited even though I still struggle from time to time.

The way I see myself now is really so different from the old view. If I struggle, I have compassion for myself just as I would a friend or stranger. If I achieve something I give myself due.

[Bessie]

Help -- Triggers

Hi Dexterhead.

Your story bought tears to my eyes - as so many do on these boards. All that pain. I could'nt take the half of it.

Everything the others have said makes sense to me. Lots of distractions and planning .... and some form of therapy/counselling. That helped me a lot when going through probably one of the worst times I have ever had in my life. It set me on the path I am on now and it's one I enjoy travelling.

Chief on here posted something basically summarising how we can change that he has pinned to his desk - I'll see if I can find it. It reminds you that if you always think the same, you'll always act the same.

Big hugs

Bessie xx