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[sandie_stevens]

when i started here i was optomistic then it became a roller coster. Mornings always better so many times after listening to the tapes I was convienced this was the day. Then come evening I fail again, so I order more supps and more cd's . I read more on this community and still I fail last nightwas good in fact once again convienced by some ramdom thing someone said (cant remember who ) she/he said they didnt drink anymore because the supps made it taste bad and i realised that was happening to me but I was fighting it, why ? I dont know. Dont really know why I am writing this but i am drinking tonight maybe thats why and I have finished the christmas drink off well mine anyway!!! so tomorrow I have no excuse to drink unless i buy more and I really can afford it. I hope I dont. This is me just ramblering and I hope I dont drink tomorrow sorry to be a bore

[Cinders]

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Sandie,

You must decide that you want to go AF. It is that simple and that FREAKING hard.

You can do it. Lots of us here have.

However, while you worry about it and think about it, we are all still here, too. No worries, okay??

Love,
Cindi

[dexterhead]

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Sandie: you are probably already asleep. but I could be you!! Keep coming back here, reading, feeling inspired, and keep slumping into my old habits. damnit all. Today (Monday still here in the States) was going to be a good AF day. I have to say, sometimes reading the site makes that bad little voice say,'well, you're not that bad yet ... " and I think that I am harming no one but myself, and is anything really so bad? Other than being so fat I am ashamed to see people from a few years ago, looking like hell, spending money I don't have on booze, all kinds of strange mood swings, worrying about long-term health effects, the SHAME and feeling held hostage!!! Oh God.. why the hell do I start out the day so motivated, and end like this?
I know I will still be unhappy if I keep on like this. But in the past few years, everything in my life spiraled downward, not just because of the drink. I don't remember what it was like being happy ..! And I guess all of these problems right now often seem insurmountable ..
If any "old-timers" are reading this, does self-loathing help motivate? ??If you don't have some major event like drunk driving arrest or your kids looking at you with disgust, what can finally push that button?
sorry for the self-pitying post, perhaps you can tell I have my nice glass of wine in front of me!

[auntiegriselda]

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Hi Sandy and Dex,

No I don't think self-loathing helps you stop drinking. In fact, it may make it harder. It's kind of a vicious circle where you are depressed, that makes you want to drink, and the alcohol makes you feel like a failure and more depressed, which makes you want to drink, etc, etc.
As I quoted Chief saying yesterday, it all starts with Day 1. If you can just get yourself through that first day you have so much better a chance to succeed. How about counseling or anti-depressants?

Thinking of you both
Auntie :l

[dexterhead]

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Thank you Auntie G:! I can't tell you how much some posts, like yours, inspire me. But somehow I've got to summon something from within to get me to start. I'm starting to figure this out now. It won't work until I can find that certain something that will make me grit my teeth and do it.

[keeta]

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Sandy,
hang in there, and don't give up...keep coming here, reading, posting when you feel the urge, or need for support or inspiration...this place is full of amazing people. good luck!

dex...i am sorry you are so down..please don't hate yourself (you have read my own posts, and am sure you realise i jump in that boat often...usually when i am disgusted with myself for doing the same old thing *drinking*...and somehow expecting different results! *it suddenly NOT being a problem in my life) i feel worst of all when i look at myself, and think...why are you behaving so weak?...kim, you KNOW what this shit is doing to you, and yet you don't STOP?...would i sit here night after night drinking a thimbleful of arsenic until enough had overcome my bodies ability to fuction, and drop dead???....nope...so what is it with me and the alcohol?...same shit....just taking a lot longer to kill me...BLAH...sorry dex, and Sandie...went on a small tangent there. i am AF day 2 again today, and tomorrow (Tues. will be day 3.)
all i know is this place has given me some focus, and hope, which is a heck of alot more than i have had in years. i can't give up...i will just keep going til..well, until i can't.
hugs and love to you both. i could use company on this journey....i can't promise not to fall...but i can promise to help dust you off if you do...and offer much support, and kudos at successes.

ok, i have rambled much....hope to hear from you both soon...stay well
XOXO

[DiscoBunnie]

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Sandy, Dex.... I think we have all been where you are. For years I kept telling myself, this is the day and by nightfall, "the day" eluded me. It is not easy by any means. Being here, reading and posting helps tremendously. Throughout the day, I recall the thoughts I have read here and remind myself, as you should remind yourself " you (I) deserve to be happy, I deserve to be healthy and I deserve to live in clarity. Alcohol is truly the enemy, "al" wishes nothing more than to destroy you and make you miserable" Take a stand and KNOW how special you are and treat yourself as such. Admire yourself for the hours AF you have and keep telling yourself you can do one more and one more, soon those hours turn into days, then weeks..... it is not easy my friends, but it is possible. Keep busy and KNOW YOU ARE SPECIAL! You can do this, I know you can!! You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep posting and keep coming back no matter what, you are important here and there are people who truly care about you here...

-the Bunnie (Monday, Day 14)

[Prada]

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Sandy,Dex,Keeta

Thank you for sharing. I'm on my first Day of being AF and have dusted off the Kudzu and other supplements. I just want to last one month at the moment and take it from there. I will be keeping my own diary of daily events to remind me of my progress (or lack of

I feel miserable and hopeless at the moment. I have just ended a relationship of sorts with a guy only after a couple of weeks because I feel like I need to get my shit sorted out..I'm too needy plus I wasn't really attracted to him.

ps. I have just created a new Profile from 'StopThat' to 'Prada'.

Prada (Day 1)

[slightlysuze]

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Now listen up!......doing this thing is hard, very hard.....and the main requirement is bloodymindedness and willpower!:H It is never going to be easy so if you want to clean up your life you will have to bite the bullet sometime...if not now, when? (as they say)

Getting through the first day is excruciating.....to do it you just have to hang on, gritted teeth, find lots of other diversions to get through that 24 hours.....you'll feel really good that you managed it....then you have to grit those teeth again, get tough with yourself and find the willpower to do Day 2.......there is no magic bullet, no fairy godmother.......you have to do it yourself!

When you are clear-headed you can start to unravel the root of the problem.....and there have been lots of threads here about that. You can identify the things that trigger you to drink and also look at all the deeper stuff.....fear, loss, suffering - all of that jolly stuff

But until you get really firm with yourself you can't start that healing process.

Boy...I don't usually bang on like that! *shakes head in disbelief* :H But I hope it might be an encouragement to make a big effort at this (if you really want it) as I spent ages (years) trying halfheartedly and getting nowhere......

Be of good cheer, have courage.....and start now!

Love

Suze x

[sandie_stevens]

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Hi and thanks all of you once again I love and sometimes hate this site!!!

Suze, Thanks for that as you know it is morning now in the uk and I am back to the yes I will do it today will be day 1, your Sentiments will be read tonight infact I will print them off to read whist I am cooking which is when I start.

Dex- We have started this together lets hope/no lets beat this thing together. Stay strong.

There was a thread on here about what I hate about drinking I was thinking this morning

What I love about drinking:-

That first drink the delectable taste - well the supps have taken that from me thankfully.

social - not when you are sitting in the kitchen on your own!!!

effects - yes I love the relaxing effect, but not the fuzzy head next day

I suppose I could think of more but I dont want to

Take care all and Thanks again

[Last Of The Summer Wine]

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Keeta and everyone here - we are living the same story and we are all struggling, some more than others - yesterday I felt I was at rock bottom - failed, failed, failed. Today I feel a bit better, I have no wine at home, so I will not drink at all today and I have finally admitted (only to myself of course - and however many of you read this!) that I have suffered from depression for many years - huh - not me - Mrs Sensible, Mrs Organised, Mrs Calm and Unruffled, no nonsense old me?!! Sorry, I'm rambling as well now I am going to spend today researching about depression and finally admitting the truth to myself - I saw a bit on another thread where Satori said that Buddists believe that it's okay to feel bad, sad, down, whatever, you can't be happy and upbeat all the time - I'm going to back and read that more carefully. I am also going to TRY to stop doing the one thing which just makes it all the worse - drinking wine - have to laugh at this point actually because I said this several months ago and another member of the forum pulled me up for being too negative because I said I was "going to try" - we can't win sometimes, eh kids?! Chin up, everyone hold hands and off we go:l
J

[auntiegriselda]

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Hi Dex, Sandie and all,

The first night is by the far the hardest. If you can get through that then you realize you CAN do it. I think it helps to vary your routine. Whatever you normally do in the evening, change to something else. When I quit smoking years ago, I had to sit in a different room to drink my coffee in the morning! On my first day both times, I drank some good cold fruit juice, took a walk and went to bed early! Maybe drink some of the calming tea varieties. Also might try listening to the hypno cds.

Wishing you strength!! :huggy
Auntie

[dexterhead]

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Dear Sandie, Cindi, Keeta, auntie, Last, Suze (from another Suze ; ) --- know i've missed someone .. oh and welcome Prada!!! thank you all so much ... damn there is so much strength here and I KNOW that very soon a little teeny bit will seep into me

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

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I'd like to ramble about my mom. My mom is 78 years old~ 7 kids, stay at home mom. When my mom was in her early 50's, she went from social drinking to closet drinking. When my grandma would come to visit, I remember my mom going around the house (favorite hiding place for Grandma: behind the curtains).... anyway, Mom would mark the bottles to keep track of how much my grandma drank. She'd dump out some of the vodka and water it down.... and then she'd tell me that she'd NEVER be like that!

Well, guess what- my mom became like that. I remember waking up, at 17 years old, to my Dad who was in a panic, saying, "Patty! Did your mother have too much to drink last night?" I said no, because I didn't think so.... she fell down the stairs at around 4:30 in the morning (we went to bed at 1 am). The ambulance came. She broke both of her wrists. Her nose. Her cheek bone. Screwed up her knee... oh, and her blood alcohol was merely .0283... The doctors couldn't give her anything for the pain until she dried out. (I will NEVER forget listening to my mother moaning in pain, but the only thing that we could do was wait until her BAC was down so they could give her something. I honestly had no idea that she was that drunk when we went to bed!)

My mom was 53. Over the next two years, she underwent 5 surgeries to correct her wrists. Can you imagine trying to explain WHY this happened (both if it was you, and then again, if you were the 17 year old daughter)? Don't worry. Once Mom got her wrists back into shape, she proved that she could "control" her alcohol and that alcohol and NOTHING to do with this accident, and like good little children, all 7 of us went along with the revised version of the truth.

Fast forward 24 years later- 24 years of "controlling" alcohol. And for the record, my mom REFUSED to place liquor bottles behind the curtains- her trick was to use small jars and fill them with 4 ounces of vodka, and scatter them around the house.... kind of like the EASTER BUNNY, but better than jelly beans, right ? Mom's "rule" was she was only supposed to have one little jar a night- therefore, she was "in control". (But hey, rules are made to be broken!)

In 2006, Mom had a slight stroke. We converge on our home town, thinking this is the beginning of the end. The doctors don't check her blood alcohol content, and we don't suggest it. After a week in the hospital, her condition improves, and she goes home, back to the same environment~ except my dad goes on the EGG HUNT and thinks he cleans the house out of booze. WRONG. Two months later, another ambulance ride. This time, Mom has a heart attack and a stroke. Mom's bad. I travel home and she doesn't recognize me. She can groan something that may be "Rob", which is my youngest brother's name, and he's in Iraq. The military is gracious enough to let him come home, but it takes time to process military orders, and it's a 2 day journey, so he doesn't know whether she'll be dead or alive when he gets home.

We did the death bed watch. She has a Do Not Rescusitate order. We pray. We watch my mom shrivel up, with her mouth paralyzed open and her hands curled to her chest in the fetal position. After 2+ days, my dad breaks down and cries with a doctor, mentioning Mom's drinking. Well, this doctor was the Neurosurgeon, and quickly realizes that Mom is suffering from Wernicke's syndrome... while yes, she did have a mild stroke, what we were witnessing was, in fact, Wernicke's syndrome- linked to chronic alcohol use, and often undiagnosed/confused with strokes. He ordered a shot of Thiamine.

Within 4 hours, you could see in my Mom's eyes that "she was back". :heart: By the next day, alot of the paralysis in her face was softened, and her arms started to relax. A MIRACLE!!! Thiamine Therapy! She went to a nursing home, spent 4 hard months in rehab, and went home at Thanksgiving. Today, ALL of the alcohol is out of the house now. Her speech is completely back, and actually, her health is better than ever. She is the mom that I remember as a child.


Okay, big sigh of relief. Happily every after. If you don't know about Wernicke's syndrome and you drink, you may want to research. Sorry for the long post, but I hope it was worth your while.



P.S. Ummm, everyone- I know my Grandma was an alcoholic.
Even after living with an alcoholic mom, I drank.
Even after she fell and I had to watch her "dry out", I drank.
Did you happen to notice Mom's stroke was in 2006? She had a stroke, and I drank.
I witnessed the impact of alcohol on her brain, and I STILL drank. I only stopped drinking about a month ago. As my kids would say, WTF???
That is the power of this demon. We can rationalize, justify, bargain, negotiate.... whatever it wants, I'll give it.
As I finish this post, I'm thinking that I'll never drink again, but if you would have asked me at 5:00 pm tonight, well...only one beer... :help!

Thanks. Ramble over.