sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

[mardan]

Well here I am. I only discovered and joined this site yesterday after trawling the internet looking for some miracle cure for my alcoholism without having to go to the doctor or admit to any of the authorities that I have a problem (worried they may take my 2 young sons away).

I am a 38 year old female and have been struggling with alcoholism for nearly 15 years getting worse over the past 3 years. I started off with the odd glass of wine every night to relax in my mid twenties which soon led to a bottle of wine then 2 bottles and now its up to a 75cl bottle of vodka a night.

I have had periods of abstinence such as my two pregnancys and nursing and the few crash diets I've been on plus the times more recently when I've managed to go a few days crawling the walls and ceiling without alcohol.

I am a stay at home mother and my two sons have now started school so I should be looking for work to help my other half with the bills etc. Instead I am spending most of the day trying to cure a hangover and cope with all my other responsibilities.

My other half does't have a problem with drink, a couple of beers and he's content. I don't know if he has any idea to the entent of my drink problem as I hide the vodka from him and make out I've just had a glass of wine. I then retire to bed early (we've been sleeping separately) lock the door and drink myself senseless till I pass out in bed, some mornings waking up with a wet bed.

I've had some embarrassing times like when we went on holiday and I wet the bed a couple of times with him next to me. He was disgusted with me and quite rightly so.
I've even started wearing my younger son's dry night sleep pants at night now (can just about squeeze into them).

I really want to spend the rest of my life healthy and alcohol free so as I can be here to see my sons grow up. How can I do that when I'm always either p****d or hung over.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself and this is the first time I have been totally honest as I know I can remain anonymous on here.

I really and truly have had enough of this drinking habit and would welcome any advice or inspiration from anyone either going through the same thing or who have come out the other side.

[ducky]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Hi Marden and welcome,

You will find lots of support here and see that your story is not so unusual. There are lots of stay at home moms who battle with alcohol. It is such a common coping mechanism. Have you downloaded the book? I would recommend doing so. Keep reading and posting.

[GottaChange]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Mardan,

I really commend you on reaching out. It is the first step. Losing my kids is something I fear also. My husband knows the extent of how much I drink, but I am thinking he will end up leaving me one day for one of my misdeads while drinking and use the drinking as a way of taking the kids a way.

I am also a stay at home mom. When I used to work, I didn't know how a stay at home mom could make it through the day. I start getting the itch around 4.

I am only on day three and don't have much to offer. But, changing other habits have helped some. Don't keep to your same routine. There are triggers in there.

As a wise man once said "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results in insanity."

I am changing my life and I hope this board will help.

Sending out hugs and support.

-GC

[sandie_stevens]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Hi

I am still trying to have a couple of day's AF but working on it I too have children and dont want to be a bad influence to them i am/was following in my fathers footsteps and I don't want them to do the same.

Be strong and keep visiting the site. Take one day at a time

[satori]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

HI Mardan

Welcome aboard.

You have made the first (difficult) step by coming here and posting.

This place can change your life aound - if you truly want it to.
An you sound like you are ready.

So - a couple of words of encouragement:
Yes - the first few days are tough - but after about day 5 or so it is generally agreed it starts to get easier.

It is SO worth doing.

I had a history of over 20 years hard drinking.
I am currently coming up fast on six months Alcohol free (AF) due entirely to being here!
You know what, at first I was terrified to quit - but now that I have, I see it was the best thing i have done in many many years.

My life is unbelievably changed for the better.

If I can do it - so can YOU.

Be careful tho if you have been drinking very heavily - suddenly going cold turkey can be dangerous.
If you think you are in that category - or you are having severe withdrawal symptoms - seek medical advice. Doctors can prescribe medication to assist with the early withdrawal phase.

Stick around - download and read the book, ask as many questions as you like - that is what we are here for!

Looking forward to having you around.

Good Luck

Satori

xxx

[buckledown]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

welcome welcome...read the book as soon as you can and keep posting and reading here...by posting the truth you are free....tons of great support and info in these threads....stick around ,we do understand your struggle...blessings, buckle

[Last Of The Summer Wine]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Welcome from me also - ditto what everyone else said. Opening up and writing down your problems will help immensely - Satori is the font of all knowledge - follow his teachings carefully grasshopper!! Sorry Satori, I'm feeling better today! Seriously, everyone here is ready and able to help, even with just a "how are you today" - this is such a big first step, well done, you!
J

[Ezekiel37]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Hello Marden,

It's all new to me; I joined the site this week also.

During the last hour, I have been to the doctors for a prescription of Campral and got it, yippee. This has come after a few months of coming to terms with the amount of drinks I can knock back at home. For the last twenty odd years, I have been overdoing it and I have just seen my medical records (blood liver report) and they had the title "abnormal". Not good.

Since you are in England then I would go see a Doctor, my experience is, it's not as bad as you expect and they are quite sympathetic.

I came to terms with seeing the Doctor for the first time who prescribed vitamins B1 and B compound strong and set up a meeting the community health centre.
Met with an adviser from the Community Alcohol Team a few times, he was really good.
Then went back to the Docs and asked for a prescription of Campral.

Our American friends have to pay to see a Doctor and it seems the treatment is pricey too. Where there is professional expert advice and medication free to use, go for it. Picking up all the tools that are available to you to overcome drinking is definitely worthwhile, just like using this site.

Go on, make an appointment to see the Doc, costs nothing; you can do that whilst the kids are at school in the morning. You won’t look back.

God bless

[laura anne]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Welcome Marden. My heart goes out to you. I know it is such a struggle. As women, we also feel so much shame which I think prevents us from seeking the help we need. As you said, this site makes it easier as it is anonymous and therefore easier to be totally honest.

I totally agree with Ezekiel. Find a doctor you can confide in. You're going to need all the support you can get along the way. Its a long hard journey. Accept all the help you can get.

Keep checking in, reading, and posting here. Its a great source of info and support. Good luck to you and look forward to hearing your progress.

Laura

[Bessie]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Welcome Marden

I think you have probably made one of the biggest and best steps towards sorting out your problem. You obviously want to do it. You can stay anonymous on here and you will find a great deal of help and support. The supplements, books, cds all work for different people in different ways.

I'm only a few years older than you and had an increasing alcohol problem for 20 years. I wouldn't say I am over it yet but I am 100% better than I ever have been. I have more days without alcohol than with and my attitude towards it has changed. I have only taken the supplements and used these forums. Keep posting and I am sure you will start to work out how you can make this work for you.

Bessie xx:l

[Rags]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Welcome to the site.
What a huge step you've managed to take just by joining MWO and posting.
Now for the bad news. You've probably worked out by now that there's no miracle cure. The good news.... you'll get lots of help and support here, no one will judge you, and though it will be tough at first it does get easier. It will be a battle of wills with yourself at times, and you may slip up now and then, but please, persist through the obstacles even when they seem insurmountable. Commitment, focus and the confidence that you can do this will see you through the vicious struggle.
Please find a doctor to talk to........ that was my biggest hurdle, and guess what, he was so understanding, non judgemental etc. and that was a big relief. Get the book and supplements, and look forward with happiness...........too often we prefer the familiarity of our drinking to the certainty of an unfamiliar peace. So the whole trick is to seek out the peace. Be kind to yourself.

[kpuk]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Mardan

I could have written most of your post myself!

I am 37, stay at home mum, Uk, drinking escalated over past 3 years, hiding it from hubby....

The useful thing I can add is that although I'm not yet AF, I have been able to cut down significantly recently with the help of MWO. Some people say you don't have to do the supplements, some people here have read the book, some haven't. Some just use the support of the on-line community here. What works for some, doesn't work for others.

Look into it, decide what is best for you and give it a go. They are a good bunch here, they really are.

K, x

[Theme2be]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Marden,
I send you much support and encouragement that you are amongs the best souls as this is my experience.

I am on my second day after finally getting the suppliments and some additional help by someone in oriental medicine and health. I am gulping what I need as told and I am amazed I was able to get through yesterday without hitting what is locked in the shed. I know also that I too will pee the bed again and go through that ordeal while trying to remain private where I stay.

I contine to listen and read from others here that are doing well in their own sacred way. I write down each item of information that I hope to add to my list as I as of yet can't get the meds because I too have to be carefull from the system as I lived in a small community and drank/drove over 3 times and faced terror, but, by grace was given an opportunity to go into long term treatment which I did to avoid jail and I thought of drinking almost every day.

The book Turnabout by Jean Kirkpatrick is my present read, alonsgt side MWO and this story is right up there with the rest so one can feel that they are not a freak like I felt.

Bless You
and stay in touch with this site
Karen

[mardan]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Thank you all for your support

Hello,

It's me again and thank you all for your support.
Today is Wednesday and I havn't had a drink since Sunday night. I need to go shopping today so I'm dreading it. This is one of my main triggers, I can rarely leave the supermarket without a bottle of vodka or a bottle of wine at least. My usual routine is to take my empty vodka bottles and throw them in the skip there in case my other half ever finds the emptys in the trash, then buy some more which I hide away when I get home.

I felt really tired yesterday as when I don't drink, I feel restless, very irritable and can't sleep. Everything annoys me tenfold including my boys and other half. I had about 4 hours sleep since Sunday night just spending all Monday and Tuesday night watching TV to try and take my mind off the craving for alcohol.

This morning, I feel a lot better physically. I have more energy and my mind feels clear.
I had a good meal last night which I don't do a lot of the time when I'm drinking. Looking at myself in the mirror my face is very pale and puffy and I have huge bags under my eyes.
I used to take such pride in my appearance before I started having a drink problem and since drinking I have ballooned up to a size 16. The thing is, I hardly even eat so it's all alcohol weight gain. I know I must be very malnourished as I have had one illness after another over the past 2 years.

It felt good taking my sons to school this morning without having to keep a low profile in case anyone could tell I had a hangover. I've found myself doing this every morning over the past year as my drinking problem has reached its peak. During weekdays I don't normally drink more than 35cl of vodka the night before as I have a real problem getting up the next morning and getting my sons off to school. Luckily, I have always managed this and they have never missed a day of school due to my problem.

I never drink around my sons, I wait till they are in bed in the knowledge that my other half is sober and alert should anything go wrong. That's not to say they havn't seen me drunk I'm so ashamed to admit. In the early days of my drinking, sometimes I would drink earlier in the day and on about 4 occasions they saw me collapsed in a drunken stupor. Luckily my other half was around on each occasion. After the 4th time he sat and talked to me and asked me why I was drinking like this. I couldn't admit to him how bad my problem was but nevertheless agreed to attend an AA meeting which I felt didn't really work for me. The reason I feel I can't admit my problem to him is that he's so perfect and doesn't seem to have any time for people with drug or alcohol problems or any other imperfection at all. He comes from a totally different background to me and had a reasonably happy childhood.

I came from a family where mental, physical and sexual abuse was the norm. I was bullied for being chubby all throughout my school life. My mother was a single parent to me and my 2 older brothers and she had 3 different partners who lived with us during our childhood, 1 of these being a total b*****d to me. As soon as my mother was at work he would tell me I was fat, useless and stupid and would beat me if I stepped out of line. He would encourage my brothers to torment me too, which they did with great pleasure. Going out was no better. As soon as I stepped out of the door, the neighbourhood kids would taunt me about my weight and told me that they were not allowed to play with me because my mother was a prostitute and our house was dirty both of which were untrue. My mother had a lot of brothers who used to visit the house and the neighbours thought they were her clients. Of course at the time, I was too young to understand what they were saying so just thought my mother must be bad and therefore I was too. It didn't help when an older male relative stayed with us for a short time when I was 9. He was 5 years older than me and seemed keen to befriend me. I felt flattered that somebody payed me attention apart from my loving mother who I always knew did the best she could to love and protect me. I didn't think much of it when he started asking me to do little favours for him in the bedroom. In fact, I'm so ashamed to say I actually enjoyed it when he touched me, I never knew that part of my body could arouse such pleasure before. It never went any further than him touching me and me masturbating him but one day my 2 brothers walked into the bedroom while this was happening. Instead of them being disgusted at him they blamed me and called me a dirty little bitch and they'd tell mum if I ever did anything like that again. My relative went home soon after this and it has never been mentioned again to this day. He is now married with kids of his own and I nave spoken to him many times, even recently but what we did has never been mentioned although I notice he always seems sheepish around me (maybe guilt).

I have always had a problem with getting intimate with my other half. I have to be totally p****d before I can let him near me which he doesn't seem to mind. In fact, at times when I have been on the wagon it's nearly always him that makes me lose my resolve as our sex life is virtually nil. He will go and buy a couple of bottles of wine knowing I can't resist resulting in me giving in to sex with him. The next morning we wake up naked and I can't remember a single thing. My mother's attitude to sex was victorian. She made me believe a woman should lie on her back and think of England until it was over. The idea of a woman actually enjoying sex was classed as disgusting to her. It was a duty that had to be performed for a husband. Although I now know different her attitude still affects me when it comes to my other half. He's always asking me to experiment sexually such as to get on top or perform oral on him which I just can't do even if I am p****d. There's my brothers' voice in the back of my head telling me what a dirty little bitch I am and mum's voice telling me a woman should lie on her back and no more.

My other half is always bad tempered and irritable and sometimes I feel it's partly my fault as I'm not fulfilling him sexually. I've made every excuse under the sun and the most recent is that the boys will not settle in their bedroom so one of us has to stay with them until they are asleep which is nearly always him. He nearly always falls asleep with them.
I suppose he has to put up with a lot with me and I know he deserves better.

Drinking helps me drown away all my guilt, depression and worry and the thought of having to face all my problems is scary but I know it's something I need to do. There was a time when I didn't need alcohol in my life so I just pray I can return back there. I just hope I can make it through tonight without a drink. I find it therapeutic pouring all my feelings out here and if you're reading this forgive me for rambling on.

[Bessie]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Marden honey, your story made me cry. So sad. So much to have been through. It makes you even more incredible that you are now so determined to straighten things out with the alcohol rather than drowning the problems out. I can't relate to your story as our lives differ in lots of ways but I know others will and will be able to offer more support than I can. But in the meantime, just want you to know that you will certainly have lots of unconditional love (something I was a bit wary of when I joined - how can you love someone you don't know? But all these good people on here genuinely have so much love and caring to give as we are all in the same place) and kind words here to help you. And that you will almost certainly find that things become clearer and easier to cope with without Al pulling you down into his foggy little lair (sorry, that's one of the ways I visualise it!!) each day.

The very, very best. Have a hug. :l

I really do feel things can improve for you in a big way. You can make it happen.

Bessie xx