sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

[meditation mama]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Marden,

My gosh, I don't even know where to start. I am so touched by your honesty and openess. You have been through so much in your life. Please know that the more you stay and get to know us, the more you will know that your life is not so unusual. I don't mean that in an uncaring way, but in a way that lets you know you are not alone. So many of us have gone through so much in our lives that we turned to alcohol to dull us, to help us cope with the difficulties of our past lives. It is only when we can push out what has happened to us and see it in front of us, just as you have in the past few days, that we begin to heal. I have such high hopes for you! Please go to the grocery store, keep us all in your heart, remember us as you walk down the aisle, think of your kids, think of how great if will feel to finally come home JUST TODAY without a bottle. Log on and let us know. We are here for you. You can do this, sister!

Stay close...

Namaste,

MM

[emily]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

hiya marden

I am around your age although my two daughters are teenagers. I can remember when they were young though and going to the shop and buying a bottle of wine and telling the grocer it was for cooking. Drinkers are the best liars in the world.

Read as much as you can. l-glut (get it from holland and barrat) is great. I take two 500mg tablets when I feel the craving/desire start. I did get kudzu from holland and barratt but dont know if it contains the right ingredients, maybe better getting it from this site. I also got gabba to help with anxiety and take one with two valarian tablets to help me sleep. Good luck and do whatever it takes, YOU ARE SO WORTH IT.

[kpuk]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Mardan

wow, what an honest post! You have wrote about some of the things that have happened in my life that I have never, never, never told anyone. I think I got up the guts once to post it here, then deleted it.

Good luck to you.

K

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Hi Marden- how are you today? I read your post last night, and I was so overwhelmed with a multitude of emotions that I couldn't sleep. Your story has haunted my heart today, and I have to rant on here or go insane. First, It took a HELL of alot of courage to write your story, even if this is an anonymous site. Thank you. I'm not sure what the statistics are in the UK, but here are the facts for the USA:
1. ONE out of every SIX women have been a victim of an attempted rape or rape.
2. For sexual assault on children, 93% knew their attacker. Almost 35% were family members.
3. In 72% of the cases involving children under the age of 12 the assaults occurred in either the victim or the perpetrator's residence, while 12% took place inside educational institutions.
4. With age 10 and older, females made up 73 percent of victims.
5. According to the U.S. Justice Department, one in two rape victims is under age 18. One in six is under age 12.

Why do I bring up these horrific statistics? Because you, Marden, are NOT alone~ not in the world, nor on this web site. Many of us have been victims of sexual abuse. Victim. I absolutely HATE that word~ it's everywhere in America. But your story, Marden, is the exception. You, in fact, were a Victim. You, my friend, still ARE a Victim. The bonds of guilt have you handcuffed to your past.

As Meditation Mama said, you need to begin to heal. I sincerely hope that you can find someone professional to help you, whether it's a doctor or a counselor or a pastor. You can't do this alone.:l

Forgiveness. At some point, for YOUR life to continue, you must forgive. You must forgive this "older relative". You must forgive your mum. You must forgive your brothers. And finally, you must forgive yourself. Until you do all of that forgiving, your life will continue in slow motion, and alcohol will be your best friend. And rightfully so.

Yes, you told us how alcohol is starting to betray you~ physically. The alcohol is beating up your body. You're losing control of your body, sick all day, and yearning for the next drop. But, Marden, hear me out~ if I was walking in your shoes, alcohol would be my best friend, too. Because that magical potion would help me forget. It would blur the memories that have haunted me. It would wipe out the GUILT that's lurking in the shadows for the last 30 years. And, as I drink with my best friend, alcohol doesn't judge me. It lets me cry. It lets me ask, "why me?" .... It lets me pretend, if only for the few blurry minutes that I will eventually remember, but it lets me pretend that all is NORMAL in my world.

Well, Marden, alcohol is much easier than what's behind "Door Number 2"... as a game show host would say. Do you want to open Door Number 2? Because behind that door is:
Anger. Rage. Guilt. Pain. SHAME. Mistrust. Sorrow. Grief. Uncertainty.
Fear.

So, let's see: Door number 1 is my best friend Alcohol, and Door Number 2 has all of those emotions that have to be confronted if you want to find your "NORMAL". Why would you want to volunteer for this horrible journey? A counselor will tell you that the first step is to forgive. The next step is to confront those who knew, and to let them know that you forgive.

But then, there are another million random thoughts:
What if he denies it?
What if I tell my mum what happened, and she doesn't believe me? Worse yet, what if she's known all along?
Who in my family will find out (about this horrible dark secret), and what will then happen to my extended family? This is my relative. If I confront him now, what will his wife say? If she does believe me, will it ruin their marriage?
What about his kids? Is he abusing his kids, as he touched me, or was this "innocent fun" for him?
Or, experts say that this is learned behavior... so WHO touched him, and taught him at 14 that he should molest a 9 year old?
Was he abused, too? If so, who? Maybe it was our Grandpa. Then what?
Now, I need to tell my husband. What will he think of me now?
Will he understand, or will he think I'm crazy? Will he look at me different, in a shameful way? Will he be understanding and kind, or will he pity me?
Will he say something to my children? Do they need to know? At a minimum, I must be sure that they understand about abuse. How do I bring that up without sounding like an alarmist? Or do I want to sound like a thunderous alarm, so that no one ever touches my kids???

Hmmm.... door number 1: cool, refreshing Vodka, with the magical power to numb all of that pain. Who cares that you pee a little... it's worth it. The friendship that I've made with this drug is NOT a "horrible beast" like everyone says. :alf:
Door number 2: Once I put the key into that door, and get the ball in motion, I cannot turn back. I will have to forgive everyone~ including myself. I will have to heal. Others will have to heal, too. My everyday Normal will be totally different. Door number 2 is definitely the scarier option. I stand to risk EVERYTHING that I consider "Normal".


Okay, quick sip of water. Deep Sigh. :flower: I've wiped the tears of pain and uncertainty.... and I gotta put a different spin on your options. I apologize now to those you read this and may be offended by the language. I'm sorry this is so long, but I have to say it.

Let's go back and look at Door Number 1, shall we? Your best friend, Alcohol. Marden, this poison is slowly killing you. You know that- you even said you are SICK AND TIRED of drinking yourself SENSELESS. Is this really your "best friend"? Come on, you are locking yourself in a room and forgetting about life. Even if you want to forget about YOUR life, what about your boys? When the stork delivered those little darlings, did you see the tag attached to their big toes? I'm pretty sure it said something like,
"To care for this child, nurture with your heart. Love Him. Unconditionally.
Laugh Often. Smile at his accomplishments. Kiss Away all Tears.
If this child is threatened by Danger, Protect him and Eradicate all threats."

Now where on that tag does it say,
"When the mother is experiencing any self hatred or sorrow, medicate her with alcohol until obliterated"????

You weren't so lucky. The boogy man found you~ you said that "an older relative visited for a short time".... he was a 14 year old teenager. This is very presumptuous on my part, but WHY in the world was a 14 year old teenager "visiting" your home? Perhaps there was trouble in his home???? Was this trouble related to his victimization? Because, as horrid as it sounds, Marden, something must have happened to your relative. A normal 14 year old boy doesn't "fancy" a 9 year old relative. Unless, someone showed him the ropes. And EVERYTHING found behind Door Number 2 is currently lurking in the shadows of your family history. It's the "deep dark secret". Shortly after your brothers saw what was happening, your relative left. WHY? Did your brothers give your mum a hint? I don't remember if you said how old your brothers were, but assuming that they were between 9 and 14, they probably wouldn't know how to react. If they were older than 14, I'm thinking they would have beaten the crap out of that 14 year old. Regardless, your brothers KNOW. Today- they KNOW. But, like good soldiers protecting Door Number 2, they aren't saying anything, are they? No, who wants to deal with conflict and resolution???????
The problem with Door Number 2, in addition to the HORROR linked with the deep dark secret, is the Uncertainty. There are no guarantees what the "reaction" will be when the secret is exposed. Some of your relatives will sorrowfully nod their head, apologize to you and say, "I suspected." They might cry and sympathize. "Grandpa did that to me, too". The secret could start to unravel.
Others will get pissed and NEVER speak to you again. They know that it's true, but they don't want to confront it. And, it was "such a long time ago, why don't you just get over it?" And others will outright deny it. They will call you hurtful names~ like your brothers did when they were young~ and accuse you of being a hateful troublemaker that's always been jealous of xxx. "And IF something did happen, well, you probably ASKED FOR IT".

Marden, let's pretend~ let's remove alcohol from your life. You are a stay at home mom. You and your husband are rekindling your marriage, and plan a romantic second honeymoon.... you ask a relative to take care of your sons. After two weeks of marital bliss, you are gleefully reunited with your boys. Your mother's intuition kicks in. Something is wrong. Deep down, you know it. What do you do? You probe~ gently, with hugs and reassurance. And one of your son's breaks down and tells you what happened. Marden, what does your mother's instinct tell you to do? Do you rally around your son? Get him help~ both physically and emotionally? And then, do you lace up your KICK ASS boots, and go get the mother f*cker that HURT YOUR BABY???? Do you commit TESTICULAR HOMICIDE?????
NOBODY MESSES WITH MARDEN'S BABIES. END OF DISCUSSION.

Well, here's the deal, Marden: that wonderful soul, that's hiding out in the other bedroom with the bottle of vodka~ remember her? Well, Marden, pretend SHE is one of YOUR babies. SHE needs your help right now. She is SICK AND TIRED of hanging out on the edges of life, while everyone lives in Normal-land. She NEEDS you.
Much love and support,:h

[Shikakai]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Omigod! You poor baby! I am so sorry for you and I'm glad you're here.

I am the same way... I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to kill this awful demon without professional help, and it has been a complete JOKE!

Wet beds? BEEN THERE! Taking a bottle of vodka to bed? BEEN THERE!

Your poor children and husband need you. I'm not going to tell you to seek treatment considering I haven't sought it myself, but stick to this board. It's full of support, advice and treatment options.

I think the best thing is to realize you have a problem and then find a way to deal with it.

Good luck to you! Your post almost made me cry.

[Shikakai]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

GottaChange;252012 wrote: Mardan,

I really commend you on reaching out. It is the first step. Losing my kids is something I fear also. My husband knows the extent of how much I drink, but I am thinking he will end up leaving me one day for one of my misdeads while drinking and use the drinking as a way of taking the kids a way.

I am also a stay at home mom. When I used to work, I didn't know how a stay at home mom could make it through the day. I start getting the itch around 4.

I am only on day three and don't have much to offer. But, changing other habits have helped some. Don't keep to your same routine. There are triggers in there.

As a wise man once said "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results in insanity."

I am changing my life and I hope this board will help.

Sending out hugs and support.

-GC

Um hmmmm...

I had a friend who was a fulltime mom but instead of turning to alcohol or drugs, she turned to other men.

Her husband left her.

[Shikakai]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Has anyone else noticed that the worse of alcoholism starts to set in during your late 30s and beyond?

I've noticed that quite a few of us are in our late 30s. This cannot be a coincidence.

[HopefulNow]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Welcome, Marden.

Everyone is different, and different things work for different people. But I think you'll find what you're looking for here -- most everyone does. Some go for mods (moderation) and find great success, with a combo of supplements, meds both, neither, whathaveyou. Others go for complete abstinence, using some or all or none of the above. It's all very individual. Read as many of the posts as you can. But more importantly, read the book.

I think you'll know in your gut which is the right path for you to try first. Whichever path you try, though, you're sure to get loads of support and friendship here, no doubt.

Glad you're here.

-HopefulNow

[HopefulNow]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Shikakai,

Just saw your post. I tend to agree with you. Whether it's a result of life events, hormones, or whatever...most people I know personally, myself included, (and ESPECIALLY WOMEN) seem to have started battling acohol problems in earnest around the late 30s, early 40s.

Except, of course, for those rare few who started VERY early on, in their early 20s or even sooner. But mostly I found they were they exception, and could chalk that up to serious, unrelated imbalances such as bipolarism, eg.

-HopefulNow

[Sh3LLz]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

I dunno Shikakai... i mustve had a jumped gene then because im only 28..

[Shikakai]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Sh3LLz;253447 wrote: I dunno Shikakai... i mustve had a jumped gene then because im only 28..

How old were you when you started drinking? I will say this that in my early 30s my drinking did increase, but I didn't think it was a problem. Come my mid-30s after a suicide attempt with a car, I knew there was a problem and that it had been sneaking up on me for several years, unbeknownst to me.

They say the earlier you start drinking, the sooner the problem manifests itself. I began to drink at 17/18 and didn't truly seek help until 38 years of age. It just seems to be a pattern here.

It makes me cringe to hear about children as young as 9, 10, and 11 drinking alcohol. They are going to be fullblown drunks by the time they are 21.

Realizing we have many freedoms in this country; drink; smoke cigarettes, whatever, but so much of what people do is detrimental to the good health of society as a whole. I really wonder if having so many liberties is helpful.

All this suffering going on.

[RavenGirl]

sick and tired of drinking myself senseless

Hey Shikakai...

I think this may be true.

Although I've been a problem drinker since my early teens, it didn't seem to me like it was absolutely spiraling out of control until the last 4 or 5 years. I'm 48 now, so that would put me around 43 when it started becoming something that was becoming scary. Beer has always been problematic for me, but it seems like when I reached my 40's it became more of a physical addiction than just an emotional crutch. Now it's something that I can truly define as a "craving." That's why I'm here...now it's starting to scare me.

RG