this is not an easy post for me to make today. not just because i drank last night...even wanted to post then for help but was too ashamed...but because after i logged on this morning, i actually considered lying about falling on my face again. How sick is THAT. It troubles me for a few reasons...one, lying is wrong...although frankly, while drinking, i guess i pretty much lie to myself on a regular basis, and anyone else that i have to lie to, to keep up my self distructive behaviiour. There are two bigger reasons it troubles me.
One...lying about drinking...about how many AF days i have physically and emotionally been able to accomplish to the ONLY support i have is WAY up there on the scale of the exact pattern of behaviour i am trying to break...and frankly opens the door, to giving myself permission to lie again and again.
Two....talk about setting yourself up to fail...opening the door and giving ones self permission to screw up and not accept responsibility for it.
ARGH.
So i want to apologise...not only for not being strong enough to go AF last night...but for even CONSIDERING lying to all you incredible people who have offered support, advise, and a place to be honestly understood, for the first time maybe ever in my life. i am disgusted with myself. and honestly, i don't even know why i am posting this, except that i figure, if i can't be honest HERE, i am really really F$%KED!...i may never be able to help myself.
so again...i am truely sorry.
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