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[keeta]

morning all,(i also posted this in monthly abstainers....i really wanted to make sure to apologise to every one)

this is not an easy post for me to make today. not just because i drank last night...even wanted to post then for help but was too ashamed...but because after i logged on this morning, i actually considered lying about falling on my face again. How sick is THAT. It troubles me for a few reasons...one, lying is wrong...although frankly, while drinking, i guess i pretty much lie to myself on a regular basis, and anyone else that i have to lie to, to keep up my self distructive behaviiour. There are two bigger reasons it troubles me.

One...lying about drinking...about how many AF days i have physically and emotionally been able to accomplish to the ONLY support i have is WAY up there on the scale of the exact pattern of behaviour i am trying to break...and frankly opens the door, to giving myself permission to lie again and again.
Two....talk about setting yourself up to fail...opening the door and giving ones self permission to screw up and not accept responsibility for it.

ARGH.
So i want to apologise...not only for not being strong enough to go AF last night...but for even CONSIDERING lying to all you incredible people who have offered support, advise, and a place to be honestly understood, for the first time maybe ever in my life. i am disgusted with myself. and honestly, i don't even know why i am posting this, except that i figure, if i can't be honest HERE, i am really really F$%KED!...i may never be able to help myself.

so again...i am truely sorry.
K

[universal]

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Keeta,

No need to be sorry..........we have all had similar feelings I am sure - I know I have.....but like you, I always have admitted when I have slipped.

I too am having a really hard time today - I am at day 4 AF and I am soooooooo badly wanting to stop and grab a bottle of wine on the way home.......I am hoping that I will have the strength to get over it. I have had a very upsetting emotional day and I know that the wine will numb it...........but I also know I'll hate myself tomorrow......

We all struggle, the slips are what makes us remember that it is a battle - and Keeta, we're all in it together here.

No reason to feel bad - pick yourself up and try again - we're all here for you.

With love and hugs,
Uni

[Finding My Self]

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Keeta - what an amazing post...what a lovely person you are....

Do you see just how honest you are...under the vices of Al The Beast?

By all means be 'disgusted' by the lying and the drinking....but please, please do not be disgusted with your soul....the soul that so wants to stop the drinking and the lying...or you wouldn't post the above...

That post took courage and it is that courage that can stop the lying and drinkng...

I know...I've been there...and neither of us are alone here....loads of folk are gonig to recognise this....

Here IS where you can be honest...and when we start being honest somewhere...we start being honest elsewhere....

You've got so much cracked....now it might just take huge will-power...ODAT only...to build enough AF days to really see enough of a difference....

Maybe it will take a few more hiddeous nights/mornings to really scare yourself into Doing It NOW.....perhaps you still think it'll stop on its own soon....or isn't really a problem....who knows...all I discovered is that I got to a place I never wanted to go to again and just stopped....I'd love you to take my word for it and not have to go there...(maybe you have) but, you have to do this your way, Keeta.

But please, please please keep posting....and being honest...and it WILL click.

We're here to support you doing what you CAN do, Keeta.

Hugs you brave and courageous bod!
FMS xx

[wonderworld]

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Hi keeta-
can so relate and way to go dumping all that here. That's what we're here for. Quitting is a process and examining what happens before, during and after we slip is really the heart of the process, if you ask me. And this board has given me a safe place to work through all that and get support to figure out MY answers. I'm so used to feeling guilty and ashamed, that it has taken a while to get used to the unconditional love and support here. It's really quite amazing! So your honesty is awesome and way to go.

I was just thinking yesterday about how in the months that I've been here at MWO, my attitude about quitting drinking is slowly shifting from "I Have To" to "I Want To". When I feel like "I have to" , there's a scared and angry and rebellious voice in my head that I can surpress to a point, but frankly drives me to drink. When it comes from "I Want To", then who am I hurting by drinking? And who am I "protecting" by lying or trying to put up a good front? I don't know if this makes any sense, but your post clearly rang some bells!

Yesterday is past. You're doing great. Keep posting.
We're all here for you -
love wonder xx

[cmhguy3]

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Keeta

Thanks for the post, it has helped me a lot today. I to fell off the program last last few days after going 8 days AF. The thought crossed my mind to also lie about it here on this site. I also realized this morning how crazy that sounded and knew I was only lying to myself. From the bottom of my heart thank you, once again I am so greatful to find a group of such supportive people and it is comforting once again to know that it is not just me with these thoughts. We can do this!!! My lesson learned is that I must take it ODAT.

Be strong and God Bless.

[dexterhead]

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Wow: there is so much wisdom in this thread!! Keeta, you are such an amazingly honest person. Please don't beat yourself up ... I am in just the same spot as you and I know, how frustrating it is to feel SO-O-O weak...

Wonder: you really struck me with ... When I feel like "I have to" , there's a scared and angry and rebellious voice in my head that I can surpress to a point, but frankly drives me to drink. When it comes from "I Want To", then who am I hurting by drinking? And who am I "protecting" by lying or trying to put up a good front?

You are so right!!!!! my drinking is so much about rebellion, or started out that way, and that nagging whiney (OK winey too :H ) rebellious voice keeps saying "why should I have to??"" How to drown that voice ... damn..

Again, thanks to all of you . I am just so glad I can be honest here about my weakness.

[12many]

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Keeta-
dump all those bad feelings right here and don't carry them around. They won't fix the past and they can only hinder your future. The dishonesty is a part of most people's experience when they have really gotten out of conrol and need a change. It not new, its not rare and you are not alone.

And I have to echo what Dexter said exactly. Wonder, that was so insightful and brilliantly put. thanks.

Cheers,
D

[hulagirl]

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Yes Keeta, you can help yourself and we'll help each other. I'm on day 13 AF I've started to think..Oh Boy... I can't wait until day 30 to have a drink. How sick is that? In one post I said my goal (after one day, one month) of AF is 6 mos. while my son is still in H.S. And I think how much I'll enjoy that drink after 6 mos. Again, what is wrong with me? I am still craving and longing and fantasizing about wine. So just for today I will not drink. That is all I can promise. Thanks for sharing with us.

[keeta]

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morning all,

universal....good job on day 4! I am sorry to hear you had a crummy day *hugs* I nkow how hard it can be not to drown those feelings with alcohol, and wake up feeling even worse the next day, because then guilt just get piled up on top of it! I hope you made it wine free, and thanks...this IS a battle, isn't it!

Finding My Self...*hugs* thank you...your posts to me are always so positive and uplifting, I always feeling like I have received a snuggly mental hug *all weepy here..LOL* I am a better person without AL...."he" makes me do things I would never think acceptable when sober. I know this, yet still fight letting "him" go....what foolish, self destructive behaviour, huh??!! I honestly hope I can find the strength to move forward without too many more hideous days/nights...cause they really are wearing me down. BLAH...thank you so much...you inspire and up lift me!

wonder....SO well put about needing to examine the before, during and after. Hopefully my post during the after this time can help me move forward a little more. I am glad you are in the "I want to" phase...i am still kinda of stuck in the pouty, angry "i have to" phase! LOL...thank you wonder, for your words of support!
cmhguy....wow...8 days...please, please, get right back on the horse, as it were *big hugs*...I am glad you were able to take something from my post...as I am still struggling so much I can't imagine being of much use to support anyone, but I am glad it helped you! And you are right...WE CAN DO THIS...together, ODAT!

dex....I think if I hadn't posted about my feelings when I did, I would have continued to drink yesterday...that scared the heck out of me, that alcohol is so strong in my life, that I pondered allowing it to control my actions in the one place I CAN be honest...CAN find support. I want so much to be the person I can be withOUT it....*hugs*

12many...today is much better...I think I feel relief at having dumped that garbage here...the garbage I allow into my life be continuing to drink...the lies, and so much more...thank you for posting...because honestly I did feel very alone yesterday as I sat here having an emotional battle in my mind as to what to post...the lie, or the truth. I am glad truth won...YEAH!

bella...day 13...congratulations! Isn't it awful what a strong pull alcohol can have, even as we are battling to keep away from it?...keep thinking in the day...every day AF you have won...I think your thoughts are perfectly normal...mine tend to be more...well, just one..just tonight...even though years of behaviour prove that thought process wrong. AL is a tricky bast!%d, huh? hang in there...ODAT!

All the support, and wisdom here, kept me AF yesterday...and I am so grateful for that!
much love and hugs,
K

[Sh3LLz]

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Dont beat yourself up keeta...

It takes a lot of honesty to YOURSELF to admit that you considered lying. I think youre actually making more progress then you give yourself credit for!

[trixietrack]

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keeta you have guts honey. see how easy it is to just be honest?
that is a good start.
love
Trrix

[Shikakai]

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No need to apologize, Keeta... I'm sure many people lie to cover up their drinking. It's all part of this ugly cycle we are trapped in.

The biggest lie I tell myself is, after a bout of heavy drinking like last night, that I'm never drinking again.

[Accountable for Me]

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keeta, pick yourself up and carry on. We all have had slips, or whatever. One thing about honesty is even if you did post you were AF and were drinking the only disservice would be to yourself. You admitted you had slipped up and do you know what? This will help you in the long wrong.

For us alcoholics, we have always lied to ourselves first and foremost. Getting your triumphs and failures here on the board is a good way at learning how to be honest with yourself. Good on you!

No matter what, no one here judges anyone for much, if, anything.

[Onefortheroad]

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Hi Keeta!

Hi Keeta, am new here but it strikes me that it shows a lot of courage to even admit that you thought about lying so well done you!!!!!