At a loss

[lukalee]

I feel that I am at a complete stand still right now. Today is day 16 and I feel like complete Sh*^!!! Physically I feel fine, but mentally I feel like I am unable to grasp why I drink, and what I need to do. I feel like I need or should cry for this breakup I had with Mr. Miller Light, but I am just not there yet. My problem is that I still have these thoughts that I used to have when I was drinking every day; "I hate everyone". I just don't know how to get passed this feeling that everything needs to be perfect, when nothing is really wrong, and I know things will never be perfect. I still feel lazy and unorganized, and I slightly think to myself, "If this is the way it is going to be, I might as well drink." Which I know is wrong, so I haven't, but I would love to get my head around this. I would like to one day get to the point one day where I can go out a couple of nights a month and drink with my friends, but I know this cannot happen until I get my ish together.
Thanks for letting me bitch.

[dexterhead]

At a loss

Lukalee: I cannot add a hell of a lot of wisdom because I am still not AF and still struggling like hell and hating myself I do know a bit of what you mean as I went AF for (rather short) periods a few times in the last couple years .. and each time i dealt with TERRIBLE mood issues as well as exhaustion and no motivation to even move. That''s why i'm having a hard time doing it again .. and that's why I always went back to it, thinking, "if I'm going to feel this shitty, why not drink?"
Sometimes I think it's our whole culture that makes us feel like everything is supposed to be perfect -- anyone else? Like, we're all supposed to lead fulfilling lives, have good relationships and feel gloriously happy. I know I had friends who dumped me during my nasty divorce because it was so "icky" .. rambling here I know

[Miss October]

At a loss

Hi Lukalee,

Now didn't that feel good getting that out. I'm so sorry you don't feel good. I'm not sure I know what you are going through, but I know you lost your best friend "Mr. Miller Light". He has been with you for a long time I'm sure. It's not easy to lose a friend. It takes time to get over that. I know I'm going to feel that myself with my "Pinot Grigio" in the days to come. But I'm only at 9 AF days tonight. Anyway, I don't think you hate anyone, you like us right ? What we are going through is not easy.....we go through all different kinds of emotions. Laziness, unorganized, if that is what you want to call it. That's OK. There is more important things like fighting the beast which is probably where all your engery is going to. But good for you for not drinking tonight....you would not be happy in the morning. Here's some hugs :huggy from me to you. Take care of yourself.

[lukalee]

At a loss

Thanks Dexter and Miss October. I really don't hate everyone; just frustrated. I think I need to take some time to meditate and get real with myself. Just hard with the kids here, and I am finishing up the last chapter of my thesis for grad school. I have two weeks left, and I am hoping I will then have time to really focus on dealing with my feelings and not being so angry.

[juli86]

At a loss

Lulalee, I'm feeling what you're feeling tonight, and I'm just on day 9. The only thing I know to keep telling myself is that drinking won't make it ANY better. Hang in there....

[lukalee]

At a loss

Thanks Juli, you too!

[GottaChange]

At a loss

Oh the days of Miller Light. I can't get this in England.

Wow finishing up Grad school? Sounds you have a lot of stress right now and this is a huge trigger and causes all kinds of frustration and bad feelings. It sounds perfectly normal. You are trying to remain AF, while finishing school and juggling kids, family, husband, housework etc. Try and think of what a huge accomplishment is to do all of this and still remain AF. I am in awe.

I really don't have tons of advice for you-wish I did. I know it seems like booze can ease the stress but only to a point and then it adds TONS to it.

Try your best to hang in there knowing that not drinking will only help you finish school quicker and better and what a great accomplishment it will be to have done it without alcohol.

-GC

[charlee]

At a loss

Lukalee
I can certainly identify with the feeling of saying goodbye, we are in mourning, like loosing our best friend. I am sad that I cannot drink, hell I am even angry. In making my decision to finally let go of this demon, I knew once the physicall addiction was gone, the mental piece was going to be much more of a challange. I am hoping the anwers will come in time. But for now, keeping AL away is my first priority. I know you are frustrated, but please, hang in there....the freedom from the drink is so worth it!!

[keeta]

At a loss

lukalee....

i can't add much wisdom as i am only working on AF day 2 today....so technically only AF 1 day...but i just wanted to say you are doing an amazing job...day 16...woohoo, plus writing a thesis, plus watching kids...no wonder you are feeling bitchy! :h
i can also relate to the rollercoaster of emotions...sad that i need to quit drinking...angry that i have to...feeling it isn't fair....why can't i just be like all the *normal* people who drink (that is the whiney me..LOL)
hang in there, you are doing such an amazing job, and making your life AF..ODAT!

much love,
K

[Finding Me]

At a loss

Lukalee,

I understand completely what you are feeling and going through. Around 15 to 18 days was the hardest for me. (I have done it a few times sorry to say). I think I kept waiting for my world to turn around, I hadn't drank for 2 weeks for gosh sakes! Keep trudging along and the feeling will pass. I do think it is a mourning of the old us and our friend, for me it was Bud light!

Just take care of yourself and try not to think about it so much, concetrate on happy things and you will be feeling better in no time! There will be many ups and downs, just ride them out and see where they lead! Hopefully today will be alittle easier.

Take care
~f-me

[lukalee]

At a loss

Thanks! I am feeling much better today.

[happydog]

At a loss

Hi Lukalee,

So glad you are feeling better in yourself, well done you are doing so well, just idea maybe if you can take up some kind of exercise it may help you feel good inside and not think about the drink.

Take care.x
Love
Teardrop.x

[slightlysuze]

At a loss

You are under loads of external pressure at the moment.....so Well Done on staying AF...... alcohol would only have made it worse, so you've done yourself proud

Things are never perfect.....I find it a hard lesson to learn, but there it is....at least when you're sober you can do your best to make things as good as they can be. Life can be great, but it can also be dull and tiresome.....being able to accept that and 'let it go' is one way to a more contented mind, I think.

Stay strong!


Suze x

[lukalee]

At a loss

Teardrop, I have started eating healthy. I plan on starting an exercise program on the 21st. I know I am making excuses to myself, but I want to be done with school first; trying to take baby steps. I am so used to going to McDonald's and grabbing quick, fatty food; giving up that has been almost as painful as giving up Mr. Miller Lite. I figure when I start exercising I can treat myself to a nice, greasy cheeseburger once a week. Oh how I dream of that cheeseburger. I lost four pounds this week, so I really should not complain, and I am still smoking, so at least I have one vice to hang onto for now, at least until I start exercising and my lungs wind up on the floor next to me.

[lukalee]

At a loss

SS- I am getting there. I think one of my problems is that I am finishing up a degree (with a huge loan to pay back) that I don't think I really want. I do not know what I want to do with my life at age 35. But my horoscope for the week said that this is the year that I find my calling, so I better stay sober and listen when it knocks on the door.