First Night Here

[One Life]

I haven't had a drink for 5 days and just ordered the supplements and CDs after reading the book. My question for anyone is how to deal with the social aspect of not drinking. Drinking is what me and my husband do with our friends often, nightly usually. I of course don't stop at a couple and get drunk practically every time. Even though I have 2 boys (11 and 13) at home who need me. Now I am trying to work on this problem and my husband, who doesn't have a problem, still goes to our friend's house to "say hello" - in fact he is there now. Then I know he'll be there all weekend watching football games. Last weekend I took the boys snowboarding and came home to find him at the friend's house more than just a little buzzed. Of course, how do I react but to drink excessively which led to a huge arguement and brought me here to try to get some help.
How do I deal with this in a social environment - or do I just stay home and let my husband go alone? I feel resentful and angry and anxious. But, at least I'm sober tonight!

[myra]

First Night Here

take care of your own stuff first is how i see it. you can deal with him after you get your own self straight. He may have a problem or not, but you take care of you and your kids first, then deal with him and marriage. Just MHO.

[toughintexas]

First Night Here

Well, good for you being here! Sounds like you kinda have a really unhealthy "environment" living way too close by! Being neighbors or friends is one thing, but it seems kinda "out of whack" to spend that much time together, then again, I live in Texas, so we're kinda farther away from our "neighbors"! We have the same social "aspect" of not drinking too tho, and we always have drinks with friends at gatherings, dinners, whatever, just not as often it sounds like...we just said we're trying to loose a few lbs, and doing the South Beach....lol.....nips it in the bud, then usually, they start watching how many they are knocking back, thinking about added pounds! I think you are wrong also, about your husband not having a "problem", sounds for sure like he does, maybe he just doesn't exhibit the same "symptoms", or "actions" as you do..it was sure true in our case....with kids so young, and boys, they need Dad at home, not next door, try to talk to him about it...try to get a balance back in your household, we had to...can you get him to go to the gym with you and the boys instead of hanging out with all the friendly drinkers? It'll just take changing habits, and that's what it is really, a bad habit...keep on keeping on, I've been on here since last March, and have struggled, but this is the year for positive change! You'll be surprised, as we have, how much more energy you have during the day, and how much you can get done, when you haven't overindulged, the night before...and the kids get more attention too...be careful, they will be the ones out drinking with friends next...I had that too! WHEW..... Glad you are here, PM me anytime!

[One Life]

First Night Here

not his kids

My husband doesn't feel the fatherly responsibility as much as I wish he did. The boys' real father died when they were 1 and 3 and I remarried just two years ago. He has two of his own - 16 and 19 who he rarely even talks to anymore. I guess I need to start focusing on what is important and not worry about what he is doing. Sounds easier than it is, although when I am spending time at home with the kids, I sure get a lot more out of it.

[Thankful]

First Night Here

One Life, welcome and congrats on your 5 days!! That's awesome.

I hope you don't mind me saying hun, but it sounds like your hubby just may drink a little too much as well. Maybe he can control his actions, or is not a sloppy obvious drunk, but if he is always with friends who drink...well. Just don't let him fool you into thinking this is just your problem. However, on that note, you can't concentrate on anyone right now but you. And you sound well on your way!!

Can you substitute non-alcohol drinks when you socialize? Ex: NA beer or wine? If you are not comfortable doing this around your friends, then they can't be that great of friends to begin with. I'm sure they would be supportive if you're families are that close. You could even make up an excuse if you want, like you have an early morning etc.

Any chance in asking hubby to stay home with you ? Just explain that it's at least until you feel strong enough to be alone or have more confidence to socialize. He should be happy that you are making such great progress. Just tell him you need a little support and maybe he'll cut back on his drinking without you telling him he may drink too much. Did that make sense? Hope so.

Well good luck to you and your family. You will find a lot of support and inspiration here. These people have been a gift from God. Keep posting, they will help you too. (as will I)

Love, Me

[Shikakai]

First Night Here

Hi there... I say stay home... that's my plan.

It's a habit... a habit, like most, which is detrimental to our well-being.

Let him have his fun and you stay in and enjoy your children.

Now that I'm off work, I'm staying in the house and catching up on old tapes.

[Rags]

First Night Here

Welcome to the sight One,
The others are giving good advice. I won't add much except about what to do/say when in a social context. Try any of the following:
I'm cutting down a bit tonight ( offends no-one, still allows you to have a couple of drinks).
I want to get an early night tonight.
Want to drop a couple of pounds
Don't want to get done DUI
It is usually the anticipated fear of ridicule or judgement that makes us so hesitant to speak up and just say "I don't feel like drinking tonight" Usually no-one will say anything other than a bit of a quip, but once you've said it once it gets easier. I'm at the stage where I say I'm not drinking and no one cares or queries or makes comments.
Like Thankful says, start sorting yourself out, and if you and your husband are able to discuss it, just say you're tired of coming home smashed all the time, and it isn't setting a good example for the kids.
Hope this helps.

[slightlysuze]

First Night Here

My advice would be to tackle drinking AF when others are drinking as soon as you feel ready.....not that you have to spend loads of time socialising with them (sounds as if you have a better time with your kids) but it's useful to know how to handle the inevitable drinking situations that may arise whether you want them to or not.

I find the easiest thing is to say you want a soft drink because you're on a diet. If you're a woman no-one questions this lol!

I've got practised at this now...and I just say 'soft drink please'......no-one seems to care! You will find it very boring to be with drunks, though.....so you won't want to do it too often :H

Doing stuff with your kids sounds perfect!


Suze x

[Shikakai]

First Night Here

Right on, Suze... Sue Ellen on "Dallas" drinks club soda.

I'm going into an environment tonight and I'm going to try THAT line!

[Victory]

First Night Here

never a problem

Went AF for over five years just said upon invitation for a drink do you have anything soft? Never a problem, try and see?????
:h

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

First Night Here

Hey One Life- Congrats on 5 days AF! You are officially over the hump....

Let's see, if you are at your friends house, and they don't have AF beer, bring your own. I don't know if you've tried them or not, but I like the O'Doul's Amber, or any of the exports that are N/A (they cost the same, and taste pretty good too. I notice that I feel full only after one or two beers (when I used to be able to pound 8 or 9 Miller Lites in a night).

If you don't like the AF beer, drink water or soda.... if anyone asks, you can say you are on medication, or that you are just getting over a cold...

Somewhere on here there's another thread, where we are all sharing our excuses that we give to friends. It's really ironic that we have to find excuses for "being good"?

When the peer pressure gets too hard, think of your kids. I really commend you for playing outside and snowboarding with them, rather than staying cooped up in a house all afternoon drinking. What a great memory you guys created! Hopefully, you'll be able to make more happy memories this weekend, too.

Have a great weekend!

[One Life]

First Night Here

oh no Friday night

Well, Friday night comes along and we are invited up to our friend's house. They know I'm trying not to drink and said they wouldn't either - which is so nice, but why does it make me feel bad? Just the thought of going there makes me crave a drink. I feel guilty that they are not going to be drinking because of me and I feel like some poor person that they have to baby. I should feel flattered, right? Then why does this make me feel so ashamed?

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

First Night Here

One Life;253806 wrote: Well, Friday night comes along and we are invited up to our friend's house. They know I'm trying not to drink and said they wouldn't either - which is so nice, but why does it make me feel bad? Just the thought of going there makes me crave a drink. I feel guilty that they are not going to be drinking because of me and I feel like some poor person that they have to baby. I should feel flattered, right? Then why does this make me feel so ashamed?

One Life, you have AWESOME friends. And yes, you should be flattered! They aren't trying to tell you that you're over-reacting, and just have "one".... instead, they value YOU more than they value booze. :h