Hi,
I went AF from Monday and then Friday came and I caved in. Friday was a very stressful day. I was busy all day with household chores and then went to pick my two young sons up from school. One of my sons had his friend coming round to play for a few hours which is always stressful but I do it for my son as I suppose we all do. My two sons are hard work fighting all the time and vying for my attention. There is only twelve months between them and whenever anyone sees them, they assume they are identical twins. Sometimes I mistake one for the other myself as they do look almost identical.
Anyway, as I was saying, when they got home from school they were all going wild, shouting and running round. The house looked like an explosion in a toy shop. I put up with it knowing I can sort it all out when they go to bed.
My other half gets in from work at 5.00pm and looks around with annoyance at the state of the house. Then he gets annoyed because he can't find a letter he's looking for so starts shouting and cursing amongst all the other racket.
At 7.00pm my sons friend goes home and about 10 minutes later my mother arrives. My mother is a great woman and I love her dearly but my god, she does my head in sometimes. Every time she visits, she rambles on an on and tells me from how I should be feeding the boys to how I should be looking after myself. I know she means well and is concerned about us all but it makes me feel like she thinks I'm totally useless and can't do anything right. She knows I have a bit of a drinking problem but she has no idea how bad it is. I told her once that I was going to attend an AA meeting and she went absolutely mad. How dare I drink, what is wrong with me, how could I be so weak, what a total disgrace I am. She has a total aversion to alcoholics as my grandfather was one and she had to watch my grandmother being beaten regularly as well as herself and brothers and sisters. He also sexually abused her from when she was little and she loathed him till the day he died and beyond. Even today she constantly remembers the pain and suffering he inflicted upon the family as a result of his drinking. Luckily for her this put her off ever picking up a bottle. The smell of alcohol reminded her of him and his horrible breath and violence.
I don't know whether I inherited my addictive personality from him as besides drinking I have no control when it comes to food or spending or anthing else. I have never tried illegal drugs and dare not as I know I would easily become addicted. I have two older brothers and one is an alcoholic (even more severe than me) and my other brother was a drug addict and messed him self up totally (he's now severely schizophrenic and can't even go out the house without hearing voices). God, how did the three of us mess up so badly? Did we all inherit an addictive personality or was it our background, I just don't know.
As I've been trying to give up the drinking, I've put a picture of my two sons who are my life, my two shining stars who I love with every fibre of my being on the wall. I am doing this for them so I can give myself totally to them, live a longer healthy life for them, be there for them when ever they need me in mind as well as body. I want them to be happy and have everything I never had. This is my focus to try to give myself something to aim for.
I messed up last night and probably will tonight as I still have some vodka left. I will hopefully start again on Sunday.
I went AF from Monday and then Friday came and I caved in. Friday was a very stressful day. I was busy all day with household chores and then went to pick my two young sons up from school. One of my sons had his friend coming round to play for a few hours which is always stressful but I do it for my son as I suppose we all do. My two sons are hard work fighting all the time and vying for my attention. There is only twelve months between them and whenever anyone sees them, they assume they are identical twins. Sometimes I mistake one for the other myself as they do look almost identical.
Anyway, as I was saying, when they got home from school they were all going wild, shouting and running round. The house looked like an explosion in a toy shop. I put up with it knowing I can sort it all out when they go to bed.
My other half gets in from work at 5.00pm and looks around with annoyance at the state of the house. Then he gets annoyed because he can't find a letter he's looking for so starts shouting and cursing amongst all the other racket.
At 7.00pm my sons friend goes home and about 10 minutes later my mother arrives. My mother is a great woman and I love her dearly but my god, she does my head in sometimes. Every time she visits, she rambles on an on and tells me from how I should be feeding the boys to how I should be looking after myself. I know she means well and is concerned about us all but it makes me feel like she thinks I'm totally useless and can't do anything right. She knows I have a bit of a drinking problem but she has no idea how bad it is. I told her once that I was going to attend an AA meeting and she went absolutely mad. How dare I drink, what is wrong with me, how could I be so weak, what a total disgrace I am. She has a total aversion to alcoholics as my grandfather was one and she had to watch my grandmother being beaten regularly as well as herself and brothers and sisters. He also sexually abused her from when she was little and she loathed him till the day he died and beyond. Even today she constantly remembers the pain and suffering he inflicted upon the family as a result of his drinking. Luckily for her this put her off ever picking up a bottle. The smell of alcohol reminded her of him and his horrible breath and violence.
I don't know whether I inherited my addictive personality from him as besides drinking I have no control when it comes to food or spending or anthing else. I have never tried illegal drugs and dare not as I know I would easily become addicted. I have two older brothers and one is an alcoholic (even more severe than me) and my other brother was a drug addict and messed him self up totally (he's now severely schizophrenic and can't even go out the house without hearing voices). God, how did the three of us mess up so badly? Did we all inherit an addictive personality or was it our background, I just don't know.
As I've been trying to give up the drinking, I've put a picture of my two sons who are my life, my two shining stars who I love with every fibre of my being on the wall. I am doing this for them so I can give myself totally to them, live a longer healthy life for them, be there for them when ever they need me in mind as well as body. I want them to be happy and have everything I never had. This is my focus to try to give myself something to aim for.
I messed up last night and probably will tonight as I still have some vodka left. I will hopefully start again on Sunday.
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