Gosh, were does one start? I guess the fact that I have joined, logged on, and have started typing my first post says something.
I've been kidding myself for a very very long time, and only recently have admitted to myself that I'm an alcoholic. It feels VERY weird to type that.
From a very early age I have always wanted to push the envelope on alcohol - the old drink to get drunk, I binge drink mostly but lately are drinking all the time - all the time. I dont get hangovers anymore.
I used to say that I just like to drink (which I do), I enjoy it a lot (yes) and things are better drunk (hmmm) - but it's more than that, and it's taken about 20 years to understand. My (ex)husband is a recovering alcoholic although the majority of our relationship/marriage he fell off the wagon and put me thru some sort of hell. When I met him I didnt know about his alcoholism so it's not like I was drawn to him because of it, plus, back then, I was just a normal girl who liked to drink, right?
I will not open up and admit to him I have a problem. I'm sure he thinks I drink far too much but he has never commented, I think he thinks he cant and shouldnt after everything I went thru with him, he ignoring my use just made me want to do it more I guess.
I've never seeked support or guidance with my drinking until now. Not seriously anyway. I wont go to AA meetings because they are not my thing, plus he is very involved in all meetings in our area and I just cant do that.
There are some alcoholics in my family tree also, and I dearly hope my young daughter will show no interest at all in alcohol, or at least a healthy relationship with it.
My social circles are terrible for someone who wants to stop drinking. Half the reason I've gotten worse and worse. Those closest to me drink probably far too much or drink for the wrong reasons, and they are good company. How will I cope now?
I hate what alcohol has done to me, I hide behind it, it creates an enormous amount of weight issues for me which I use as a guard to make me non attractive in the risk of a failed r'ship again (i've been alone now for many years) - all this is dumb. I worry for my health. I am a 'happy drunk' and do not drink and get negative or emotional, nor do I drink to calm down or cheer up. I do drink out of boredom, restlessness, creativity, "to make things I do in life better"
Am I still drinking? I am for a few more days. You are probably thinking why not now, why not this very moment, I am just about ready. In 5 days I have a big weekend party here that is traditional for drinking and relaxing, having a good time, and those that will be here are drinkers. I've been working towards this day for a while now, and cannot wait to stop. Today I'm not ready, by saturday I will be.
I've given up before, months at a time, weeks at a time, whatever. Why do I think this time is different? cos I admit I'm an alcoholic.
I want my journey from here on in to be only walking in straight lines, remaining together and healthy and strong and happy and fulfilled, stop abusing myself, the sabotage and start letting love in. I want to be honest and stop pretending or playing down the reality, I will be honest here. I want to regain that high in life naturally by running and working out, I've lost all joy in my life and I want to feel again....I think I drink so I can 'feel', but I want to really feel now. Purely.
So, here I am.:new:
I've been kidding myself for a very very long time, and only recently have admitted to myself that I'm an alcoholic. It feels VERY weird to type that.
From a very early age I have always wanted to push the envelope on alcohol - the old drink to get drunk, I binge drink mostly but lately are drinking all the time - all the time. I dont get hangovers anymore.
I used to say that I just like to drink (which I do), I enjoy it a lot (yes) and things are better drunk (hmmm) - but it's more than that, and it's taken about 20 years to understand. My (ex)husband is a recovering alcoholic although the majority of our relationship/marriage he fell off the wagon and put me thru some sort of hell. When I met him I didnt know about his alcoholism so it's not like I was drawn to him because of it, plus, back then, I was just a normal girl who liked to drink, right?
I will not open up and admit to him I have a problem. I'm sure he thinks I drink far too much but he has never commented, I think he thinks he cant and shouldnt after everything I went thru with him, he ignoring my use just made me want to do it more I guess.
I've never seeked support or guidance with my drinking until now. Not seriously anyway. I wont go to AA meetings because they are not my thing, plus he is very involved in all meetings in our area and I just cant do that.
There are some alcoholics in my family tree also, and I dearly hope my young daughter will show no interest at all in alcohol, or at least a healthy relationship with it.
My social circles are terrible for someone who wants to stop drinking. Half the reason I've gotten worse and worse. Those closest to me drink probably far too much or drink for the wrong reasons, and they are good company. How will I cope now?
I hate what alcohol has done to me, I hide behind it, it creates an enormous amount of weight issues for me which I use as a guard to make me non attractive in the risk of a failed r'ship again (i've been alone now for many years) - all this is dumb. I worry for my health. I am a 'happy drunk' and do not drink and get negative or emotional, nor do I drink to calm down or cheer up. I do drink out of boredom, restlessness, creativity, "to make things I do in life better"
Am I still drinking? I am for a few more days. You are probably thinking why not now, why not this very moment, I am just about ready. In 5 days I have a big weekend party here that is traditional for drinking and relaxing, having a good time, and those that will be here are drinkers. I've been working towards this day for a while now, and cannot wait to stop. Today I'm not ready, by saturday I will be.
I've given up before, months at a time, weeks at a time, whatever. Why do I think this time is different? cos I admit I'm an alcoholic.
I want my journey from here on in to be only walking in straight lines, remaining together and healthy and strong and happy and fulfilled, stop abusing myself, the sabotage and start letting love in. I want to be honest and stop pretending or playing down the reality, I will be honest here. I want to regain that high in life naturally by running and working out, I've lost all joy in my life and I want to feel again....I think I drink so I can 'feel', but I want to really feel now. Purely.
So, here I am.:new:
! 
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