what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

[Jacy]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Dexter..

Here was my theory....


Yep been there. Last year was supposed to be it I was going AF free and that was final. It is amazing how many excuses I found that it is ok to have a drink just this one time. That lead into I might as well drink for the rest of the week. Finish that week off and I will start Tuesday because Monday I will be hung over and I will need a drink. Only problem was that something or someone pissed me off on Tuesday so I had to have a drink because damn it I just did.

I didnt convince myself at all why I shouldnt have one. All I can say is that I really can relate to the issue of What the Hell is the matter with me...because I have asked myself that so many times I have lost count. There are also the times that I would go work hungover and lecture myself :damn: the entire day about what was wrong me that I know I have a problem with alcohol blah blah.

Be patient and honest with yourself that is what I had to do. It may be a rocky road at first, but it does get smoother. You are welcome to pm me if you feel the need.

All the best and take care


Jacy

[down2earth]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

dexterhead;260759 wrote: I have been coming here daily for more than two months. When I found the site, I was sure it was going to save my life. I read and read and am so inspired. I've read the book, have the supps. Yet for the life of me I can't seem to get started!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did a grand total of TWO AF days last week. I felt pretty good ( I don't think I have a physical addiction). I even slept OK! Then on Day 3, after work, I was really feeling good, so what did I do but stop for a bottle on the way home. WHY????? and of course continued to the same each night since.

I can't figure out my problem. Is it that I don't feel I've caused enough damage? I don't have kids so don't have that issue. I do hate, hate, hate what booze has done to me and I'm scared of what I may have done to myself physically. Why the f--- can't I quit???

Is there some part of my twisted brain that notes, there are people on here who are worse off than me addiction-wise .. or there are people on here who are also still drinking .. so I think it's OK to keep drinking ?? God, what will it take????? bgvhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ?h oops, sorry that was my cat walking on the keyboard but kinda how I feel.

In all things I am a horrible procrastinator (of course, way worse since the drinking thing) . why do today what you can put off for 3 weeks or 6 months. OH God .. whine, whine, whine, wine, wine, wine. I feel really selfish with this post. But if anyone has any wisdom, or anything at all, I would love it :thanks:

Hey Dex,
I know what you are feeling. I think it is great you have been coming here for 2 months, I have only ben here for 3 days, (also AF for 3 days) But I think those 3 days can sometimes be the kiss of death for me, because once I spend those 3 days AF, then I feel like I don't have a problem...I DESERVE a drink for making it through 3 days. Then I'll go on a bender for 3 days and make myself completely SICK! Then after embarrassing myself I'll really want to quit drinking. I'll lay in bed and promise myself I won't drink like that ever again. I make TONS of promises to myself... Then 3 days AF... and this cycle starts all over again. I know exactly what you are going through! I often wonder what it will take for me to ACTUALLY CHANGE! I've never gotten arrested, never had a DUI, never been cut off at a bar, never (seriously) hurt myself etc. So I ask myself, do I have a problem?

All I can say is that I am not drinkin tonight, and tomorrow I can wake up and start day 4, will I make it through? I hope so....

Anyway, my heart goes out to you, I know how mad I get at myself, and I am sorry you are experiencing that.

D2E.

PS, I also have a cat that likes to help me type.

[universal]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Hey Dex,

We started on this site at the same time and have gone through many Day 1's together......I'm currently just finishing up Day 4 (with the help of a glass of AF wine cause, well, I'm an emotional drinker and had a shit day) but hey, it's AF wine and it's helping me get through.

Like Down 2 earth said above me, I can also relate to the what the hell is wrong with me - I too have had many 3 day stints and then said, damn, I don't have a problem, I can have a drink! And then you start all over again.........

This is why I bought some AF wine - I know that they say you shouldn't drink it when you are trying to go AF but you know what - it sure helped me not open the real wine that I have downstairs......

So I guess what I'm trying to say is there are options out there to help you get through the tough patches if you need too - don't worry about anyone else, just worry about yourself and what YOU DEX wants.......if you want to go AF or moderate or try a short term AF goal (ie: 3 days, 5 days - who says you need to go 30?) You make the rules in your life and in your program.........you find your own way out - and we are here to support you the whole way.

Love and hugs,
Uni

[IAD]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Dexter Head,
Is'nt life a a bitch ! Keep fighting guy life is a journey not a cake walk ! Countine to keep your head together. When you fiquire it out you'll know what to do ! IAD

[Marshy]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Hi Dexter,
One suggestion: have you tried joining a daily thread - Newbies in Need or the AF to the end of the month group? Or mods, depending on what your goal is. Maybe that would help you focus and get support one day at a time as they say.

[lookingforhope]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Have not read the previous posts....

Dexter, it is called alcholism....look at my join date. I am just now stringing 5-6 days together, which really, is pretty awesome! So...chill. You are doing great!!!! Just keep trying...

Dexterhead, we love you here.

[satori]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Hey Dex,

Just keep coming here - that is all it takes!

It took me SIX months here to finally realise I wanted - no, HAD to be AF!

I moderated reasonably well for the first six months with a couple of slips in there - but I found moderating almost as emotionally draining as drinking uncontrolledly.
I was still obsessing about Al most of the time.

I eventually joined in a 30 day AF stint just to see if I could do it.

AF is where I found FREEDOM!
It is what works for me - and I love it!

But - the only thing I did - was to make sure I didn't stop coming here - I believe reading and absorbing all the information and stories on here subtly works on our unconscious - it becomes "normal" to be trying NOT to drink.
Eventually that stuff works its way to the surface - and something "clicks".
I clearly remember waking up one day just "knowing" I was done with all the cr*p that goes with drinking!
I have not had a drink since!

(Just realised - I have been here for a couple of days over a YEAR!)

Best of luck


Satori

[jellybeanjod]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Dexter,
I think you are like I was, I liked drinking! I drank to relax and feel good and boy it did make me feel good! That is what made me mad enough to stop. I felt that I needed it and told myself that it was ok to like it this much. But in reality, I knew that I had a problem. I don't believe that you are truly deep down ready to quit drinking altogether. I know that when you are ready you will quit! Just look at me, I have drank since I was 18 years old pretty consistently and I have been AF for 20 days. I have faith in you, when you are truly ready you will do it! :l

[FinallyRN]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Dex, you and I joined at the same time. I have read your posts and have followed you from one thread to another. You CAN do this. If I remember correctly I have a few more drinking years under my belt. As I have managed more and more to stay AF I have learned 2 things about myself and my consumption, I think alcohol was a form of self punishment............a way of re-enforcing my lack of self worth and that Al was not so much of a physical addition but more of a mental one. Everyones addition and habit is different but this was mine.

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Dexterhead- I had a revelation this morning as I was brushing my teeth (which has nothing to do with my story). To have found this site, many of us have become so drunk and hungover that this world feels hopeless. Somehow, we get to this website. We meet each other. We realize we aren't losers..... well, if we are losers, then we're all losers that like each other. All of a sudden, life doesnt's seem too bad. And the horrible alcohol is still something we detest. We realize that we aren't lonely anymore, and maybe if we have the support (that wasn't there before) of each other, well, we can have one or two, right?

I've been thinking that maybe I can have just one. My biggest fear ts that I will get tanked and then I can't control it. But in the meantime, I realized as I rinsed off my toothbrush, that you ladies and gents are some super freaking people.

Especially Luka's Butt. Crofty's orange fingertips. And Chief's ASSet. And the spastic Kitty.
:heart:

[Suki411]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Satori, you are such a wise man, To quote you..

but I found moderating almost as emotionally draining as drinking uncontrolledly

Had been AF for more than a week, but last night, after going to the lawyer's and giving an affidavit, came home and had two drinks. This morning was not hung over, was not beating myself up, but felt lifeless, uninspired, emotionally spent.

Thank you for your knowledge, your experience, for inspiring us.

[maasai]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

dexterhead i feel its not only about attaining sobriety but sustaining the sobriety is more important, dont hate yourself you dint commit any crime.keep coming back

[Lotus]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

DH

We will always find ways to justify ourselves to have a drink. I have been here over a year a year now and have started my AF journey again. I know that for me to ever be "free" from this I cannot drink. However even now I forget to count my AF days and start counting how many more days will I have done 30 and I can have a drink.

You have to mentally be strong. Previously I have rewarded myself with a drink because I thought "great I managed 2 days without it, surely I am entitled to drink" or find any excuse to have a drink. I couldn't get off the merry-go-round.

Think about why you do not want to drink. Don't knock the days you are AF as they are all achievements in their own right. I don't think that there is a particular route that suits everyone. If you do decide 30 days af then take each day at a time or even each hour. If not then try by starting to reduce the amount you drink or alternate your days and the increasing the number of AF days in between. Never give up as from personal experience I know that getting started can be daunting, but it does get easier.

[Carm]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Hi Dexterhead,

maybe the question should not be "Why quit", analyzing how bad it has to become beforre you quit. I know, I know......"just drink for the heck of it, it makes me feel good". But see, I really dont believe in "naturally born drunks", I do believe in the "makes me feel good" feeling, but I also know that this is just the top-layer (in most cases anyway), because if the "Feel Good" was for real, none of us would be here . So, why do you drink? Why did I do it? I guess there are 1 mill answers to this one question. Is it a "crutch" an "outlet" a "reaction" or maybe "revenge"? This is how I approach this for myself, I do the program but I also know that Im curing symptoms........I have to get to the root to cure ME! And Im not talking about to find something or somebody I can blame. Nobody put a gun to my head and made me kiss Mr. Smirnoff. This is not a question of guild and judgement anyway. But something in myself made me "miss the boat", made me loose control over the "makes me feel good" situation. Figure that out is for me the challenge and, I KNOW, the cure.:h

PS: I may be wrong, but is it not a psychological "dependency" before it becomes (if applicable anyway) a physical one? So eleminate the physical is curing the symptons and figure out the psychological part is the root ?!

[Croft]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

maasai;261061 wrote: dexterhead i feel its not only about attaining sobriety but sustaining the sobriety is more important, dont hate yourself you dint commit any crime.keep coming back

Jambo!