perceived selves

[rudemama]

I just thought i would post this i was a
at a conference today about struggling learners one concept we explored was the perceived self
the feared self
the expected self
the hoped for self
i thought about the ODAT thread i started today
maybe i need to move from a place of fear; though that place can be a motivation,
to a hoped for self
i need to mull that over......
thanks for listening rudemama

[Deena]

perceived selves

I love that rudemama! I learned something not too long ago and I can't remember the details, but it had to do with the imposter self.

That is the one I can relate to, since I'm a closet drinker. It has to do with people discovering that you aren't what they think you are. It was tied into the work place, in that, you are promoted and you act all confident, etc., but inside you're just waiting for everyone to discover that you are incompetent, etc.

I related it to my drinking. To the outside world, I am a confident, smart woman. Internally I have this huge battle on my hands. I live i constant fear someone will discover I am an imposter.

I guess that's my feared self. Like you, I need to move on. My thought is that I need to define the expected self, and accomplish that...then maybe create the hoped for self...

Something to think about. Thanks!

[ducky]

perceived selves

Hey Deena, I could have written your post. I have always felt like an imposter, especially when I was working. At the height of my corporate career, with an MBA and loads of experience, I lived in fear of being exposed. I have read that this is more common in women than men...

I like the idea of creating an expected self and going for it. I am having a bit of a mid life crisis at the moment so that might be a good project.

[greeneyes]

perceived selves

0h yikes. I cannot tell you how those posts affected me. Thank you.

[Croft]

perceived selves

This sorta relates back to my quest for a more positive approach to this thing. Instead of looking at the failures and the shame, instead trying to bring the accomplishments, no matter how small, to the forefront of the day. What did I do today to get to where I am going and how is that different than what I did last week towards my goals? It is getting better if you can look at from a different place.

[down2earth]

perceived selves

Croft;263476 wrote:
Instead of looking at the failures and the shame, instead trying to bring the accomplishments, no matter how small, to the forefront of the day.

Yes! NO MATTER HOW SMALL!

[TiredofHiding]

perceived selves

So there with you

Wow - I so relate to all of this. I feel so much like someone will someday find out I'm not really that good. I own my own business and have some ideas for growing it that are a bit more aggressive than I've been doing and I start working on them and then I think - I wouldn't be able to pull THAT off - I'm lucky to get away with people believing what I do now.
I kick myself when I see others really going for it while I hold back afraid of getting in over my head or maybe afraid of succeeding even. I don't know.

Thanks for making me reflect.

Day 20 today. Still feeling strong. Diet going well too. Maybe I'll be a whole new woman physically, emotionally, and professionally by the end of the year.

[Lucy Van Pelt]

perceived selves

OH this is such a female plight... I remember reading about it years ago, and so related then...(but still suffer it). Women who feel like they are hiding behind this "mask" of success...basically looking together, confident etc on the outside, but not that way at all.

I so relate to this!!! I could tell you alll my wonderful attributes lol...PHD (at 25), relatively fit, "cute", socially outgoing..bleh, bleh, bleh.....but truth is, I do not feel like I am that person at all. Well, I am not that person really...I am a drunk....does that fit with the above discription??? I think not


Sorry, had to share

[CaptJBean]

perceived selves

Well if I can ever find the poem there is one about the lady behind the mask... I have lovely Venitian mask on my wall for that very reason... I ask myself which one I'm hiding behind. I'll try to find the poem. Aren't we all in phases... Isn't there a book on Passages that was popular a long time ago.
And don't we have the right to just be the accepted - unconditionally loved self...
Most men are just the selfish self... do you think they're asking themselves this???
I doubt it... are they asking if their butts to big?
Anyway... you make a good point...
because, I always point out, I'm the "designated bad guy self"
Well, not anymore... sober or with a drink.

[CaptJBean]

perceived selves

And, I can't keep overthinking everything... at my age, time is going to quickly to waste on worrying about it... I'll be dead before I figure it all out. If you waste to much time deep in thought... you'll lose your life...

[Determinator]

perceived selves

Lucy you don't have the corner on this market. Let me just say as a guy I obsess over my weaknesses and perceived weaknesses as well. I don't do it as much anymore but know that I came from that frightening place. The so called rough and tough macho 'guy world' is full of weaklings that look tough.

[KateH1]

perceived selves

You know, Lucy, I honestly do not think that there will ever be enough letters after our name, nor awards, nor public acknowlegment, that can make us feel whole or accomplished, until we accept ourselves, and are finally able to say, well done, to ourselves. We need to be able to celebrate our own accomplishments and forgive our mistakes. We need to give ourselves the same leverage that we so generously bestow on others!

And, Determ, this is not just a female thing at all! I know many men who freely admit to these same fears!

[nancy]

perceived selves

I think about these issues a lot.

And I think men can have this problem too, of "looking good on the outside, feeling bad on the inside".

I guess it is partly about low self-esteem, because despite all the positive feedback, you feel bad, and partly because drinking causes so much shame.

Also, though, I think we find it difficult to have a whole view of ourselves, to accept the reality that a drunk can co-exist in the same body as an over-achiever. Why is that so impossible? Why is it impossible to be wounded/insecure/self-destructive and to excel and be really attractive? The insecurity probably partly drives the need to excel and people please.

I think that once we start accepting all the sides of ourself, we start to believe that others can too. And then we can start accepting the contradictions we see in others.

Sure we should try to be positive. But I think that people with a negative view of themselves are probably more likely to be attracted to booze and others probably can develop low self-esteem if they have a problem with alcohol.



Oh, will we ever sort it all out?

[satori]

perceived selves

I agree Nancy - men definitely DO have these problems too.

My own "take" on this is that I probably drank initially to overcome low self image / self esteem.
Even though I always was / am a high achiever.

I have a perfectionist for a father - not that he in any way ever explicitly "demanded" perfection from me or my sister - but I think it HAD to rub off.

He demands perfection of himself in everything he does, and still does everything to the best of his ability (and his abilities are pretty high!).

I guess, like all kids, I subconsciously wanted to please him / be like him.

So despite being successful at just about everything I have done - there is still a definite undercurrent of " I wish I was better at ....." that runs through my life.

I'm getting better at dealing with it - but it is still there!

I also think the media these days has a lot to answer for too!
Women especially are constantly bombarded with images of "perfection" Advertisers make us all feel inadeqate all the time - that is their job!

I mean - there are plenty of adverts for expensive Rolex watches in magazines - because that is the watch that "Successful" people own.
How many adverts for the inexpensive Timex that 99% of the population own do you ever see.
How many car advertisers tell you about their base models?
No - you MUST step out of their top of the range megabucks model (wearing your Rolex watch and Armani suit) or you just dont cut it!

Ho hum!

Your parents (and advertisers) don't mean to screw you up - but they DO!

Love

satori

xxx

[bald headed old guy]

perceived selves

This is NOT a "female" issue at all! I am considered a "success" by my peers, family, friends, etc., but am haunted by the "real failure" inside of me. This is one of the major mental roadblocks I realize I must overcome in order to be happy with myself...accept myself as I am, even take credit for my own success. all things I have not yet been able to do. But I am working on this, very hard...and I find it is easier to do it sober!
Thanks for this very thought-provoking post!
BHOG