Rock bottom

[geordiegirl]

Feeling at about Rock Bottom right now. My partner and I had a long talk tonight and he expressed his dissatifaction with our relationship. He thinks that by my stopping drinking, Im going to eventually leave him because he is still drinking. No amount of reassurance will make him think otherwise. We were due to go on holiday a week today, and he told me tonight, he doesnt want to go with me. It would be so easy to pick up a drink right now, to go back to how things were, as if somehow, by doing that we could go back to being alright together. I could go back to 'papering over the cracks' in our relationship, dealing with his drinking by having a few drinks myself, to relax me, to supress my emotions, and my irritation, resentment and anger. After all, thats what I've done for 13 years now, and we were reasonably happy for most of the time. Alternatively, I can continue going to AA meetings, not drinking, and logging on to this site, as he pushes me away more and more and I watch my marriage crumble. This is so hard....................
Geordiegirl

[daisy-doo]

Rock bottom

Hi Georie, that all seems so tough, but stay stong you know all that you are doing is right having a drink will not solve your problems in your marriage, just put you back and from what u say u have come a long way going to AA etc, you are oviously strong and a great person to do that. Watching a marriabe crumble is hell I have been there a couple of times and those are the times my drinking has been worse but drinking only made it worse I can see that now but at the time i did it to hide from what was going on . sick with it be strong I am and sure everybody else will be thinking of you . good luck and keep us posted DD xx

[Lotus]

Rock bottom

I'm sorry to hear what's been going on. But please do not be tempted to have a drink. Even if you have a drink yes it will numb your emotions, but what you both have spoken about will still be there and it needs to be resolved.

Is you husband at all frustrated that he is unable to stop drinking and has seen a change in you so is feeling a bit down himself? Has he had a drink tonight - do you think it may be better to leave things as they are tonight and have another chat with him tommorrow. Sometimes no amount of reasoning can get through.

I hope things do get sorted. :l
Mandy x

[dexterhead]

Rock bottom

Hi GG: I know that having one spouse give up drinking or get help can be hugely threatening to the other. changes the balance of things ... can the two of you get counseling? I am sorry u are going thru a rough time.

[geordiegirl]

Rock bottom

Hi DD, thanks for your kind words. Ive just made myself a cup of tea. Im not going to have a drink, it'll not alter anything as you say, just numb my emotions and the same problems will be there tomorrow. I have to face up to this, and just get on with things as best I can. I have found a strength I didnt know I had in the last two weeks of not drinking.
Geordiegirl

[geordiegirl]

Rock bottom

:thanks: Hi Mandy
You are pobably right, my husband is very threatened by my not drinking, and yes, he probably is frustrated by not being able to stop himself. He has been drinking tonight, but he was determined to talk and express what he was feeling. Maybe when we talk again tomorrow, things will be a bit better. I'll try not to drink tonight.
Thanks for your support, good to know you care

Geo xxx

[geordiegirl]

Rock bottom

Hi Dexterhead
Good to know you and your sweet little dancing cat are out there tonight. Maybe counselling is something to look into, although I do believe it requires the honesty and trust of both partners in the counsellor, and if my hubby is still in denial about his drinking, then I dont know whether it would achieve that much. And yes, you are right, he is hugely threatened, he even questioned my being out at AA meetings, and suggested that I was seeing someone else, which is the furthest thing from my mind. One of the reasons I want to stay sober is to save my marriage, but it just seems to be having the opposite effect. Drinking tea right now, normally I':thanks: d be on the wine or whisky, for the emotional anaesthetic effect.
Thanks for being there, really need this site tonight.
Geo

[daisy-doo]

Rock bottom

sound like u r hanging in there keep with it ! Perhaps now that u r looking at your drinking the though of doing that himself is frightening to your husband , But must say in my experince what ever happens in relationships can hurt like hell but we find an inner strngth to get through it and one thing is a definate there are no solutions at the bottom of a bottle . Be brave stick with it and really its better to talk when neithe of u have been drinking its too easy tosay stuff u don't mean on a drink , perhaps thats what ur husband has done on the holiday thing > Good luck x x

[hart]

Rock bottom

(((Geordie)))

I hear you hon. I have gone AF several times while Joe continued to drink. He has not been upset about that, but he sometimes will call right before coming home to ask if I want him to buy MY beer, which is sabotaging. Joe has gone 34 days AF with me, so I know we both can do it.

You just can't MAKE another not drink. And yes, sometimes I have given in when frustrated, but that did him no good, and it certainly did ME no good.

I guess we have to decide what's more important, not drinking and keeping AF or drinking and keeping quietly miserable about things that bother us.................

Take care hon. :l

[Thankful]

Rock bottom

Geordie, your story is a sad one, but unfortunately a common one. Whenever one family member does better, it sometimes makes another feel like it makes them look bad. Instead of feeling happy for you, he feels guilty and worse about himself. That is not your problem. Do not let him bring you down!! You've come too far.

As I see it, you can give him two choices:
1) Either he joins you and also tries to quit, or
2) he supports you and doesn't make your situation about "him". Remind him that he should be happy for you, not fighting you.

In reality, option 1 probably won't work, because as we know everyone has to do this when they are ready and they can never be forced to do it otherwise.

If he can't do either, than there is an option 3. Tell him to shut up about it because you are not going to drink to boost his self-esteem.

Sorry to sound so harsh, hun. But people like this piss me off like no other.

Good luck! Stay strong!

Love, Me
:l

[daisy-doo]

Rock bottom

and I should change my mood can't say I am that joyful ! just got a quote for my car insurance kost my licence a while ago just getting it back the quote was extortionate !!! but what the heck stuff happens it will be cheaper than the bus so got to bite the bullet and pay up ! . So still joyfull and not going to use it as an excuse to pick up a drink !! and also joyful that not going through what u r been there and its horrid !! stick with it chick u can do it x x

[geordiegirl]

Rock bottom

Hi Hart
I dont know, maybe he is really threatened as he has had me all to himself all these years, (we dont have kids). He's been in a little happy bubble doing his own thing, loved and cared for and everything going his way. I've always been easygoing about most things. Now that I'm standing up for myself and saying, look, I'm changing, he thinks I might want to change him or worse still leave him. I know I cant stop him drinking, Im tired of being miserable, life is too precious to waste it being unhappy. Maybe we'll work this out somehow, things do work themselves out one way or another. We've been there for each other through so much, I have to believe we can get through this somehow, or at least give it my best shot before I admit there's no way forward together.

Thanks for being there
Geo :thanks:

[geordiegirl]

Rock bottom

Thanks Daisy. Pay the insurance, you need your car, It gives you independence. Just grit your teeth and pay up...you win some. you lose some.................

Geo

[Croft]

Rock bottom

Please remember that only YOU can really take care of YOU. YOU are in charge of your life. Do what YOU need to do to make your life better.

And, as someone already suggested, if you can get into counseling it can help. but I have found that it only works if he really wants to go too.

[Accountable for Me]

Rock bottom

When I quit drinking, my husband did not. It caused A LOT of problems for us, because that is all we knew how to do together. Once I sobered up I changed and he felt threatened - so he drank even more.

I left him 3 months ago.... BUT.... once I left him he had realized that there is more to life than feeling insecure and drinking it away. I can never change him - as much as I tried to but it dawned on him that he kept pushing me away, and once I left - he was all alone. A total wake up call for him.

Not all is lost. Communication is key in any relationship.... that with honesty of course. While I was away for 3 months we communicated like never before. We expressed what we wanted and needed in life and now we are back together again.

Sure there will be lots of work for both of us, but if you can keep those lines of communication open, meanwhile being true to yourself, I think anything is possible.

I wish you all the best - and I completely understand!