Nothing New

[AlwaysWishing]

I've been reading posts on this site for 3 mos and haven't posted before because I have nothing to say that hasn't been said before. But I've also become addicted to this site but now I've run out of old posts to read and feel sad. So I want to get involved so I have new things to read! I definitely have a drinking problem. I'm hungover right now and called in sick to work. I have no plans to quit. But I am always wishing I did. I quit for almost two years and then began drinking again 10 mos ago. I quit out of fear because my then boyfriend said he could not handle another crazy person in his life and that he loved me but would end it if I didn't stop drinking. He is now my husband and I love him so much. He agreed that I could try to drink again and see if things had changed. It was a bad decision. I'm able to control it to the extent that I don't drink and pass out for days. But I drink every day. I think my husband realizes it isn't healthy but he rationalizes that is is so much better than before that he's grateful. But my health is certainly going to be compromised if I continue at this rate for long. What I wish for is that my knowledge that I have a problem would turn into a determination to change. I get so tired of wishing for things but never getting to that next step. I always think that I can change in a few days. Or after a trip. That hasn't happened and I don't know what will make it happen. I wake up and look at my husband and feel so sad that I am risking his happiness with my behavior. He's so supportive and kind. He was married twice before to very unbalanced women and he deserves better.

Anyway, I have nothing to say really. Based upon reading all of your posts, I know what you would say and the kindness that you would offer. I also feel badly that you would take the time to offer these things when I have no plan to change, just a wish to do so. But I've become attached to people like Satori and Betty Boop and so many others. Everyone exhibits so much integrity and they really work hard to overcome this. It is also sad when people leave. The MIA posts are heart breaking. I can't imagine how sad I would feel if I became connected to others here and they disappeared. So I'm a bit scared of this place, actually. I'm very introverted, mainly because I fear attachment. I can't believe I fell in love with someone who will eventually pass out of my life. Grated, it's years from now I hope but nevertheless, fated to happen. So attachment is frightening. I read mostly, because books are always on the shelf where you put them last. I hope so much that all of you are okay and that nothing will happen to you. I try to practice Buddhism because death is not an important event. It just is.

Thank you for posting your stories and thoughts. They've been very valuable to me.

I'm not a technical person so I will never probably have an avatar. They seem to be a very competitive area on this board!

[tlrgs]

Nothing New

hi there..alwayswishing...your welcome. and hey keep on reading . you sound like you want to do something in your life.and you dont know what .bye you posting shows that you would like to try to change something. so take as much time as you need to figure out what you really want . we are here for you if you want to try to quit drinking or just try to slow down in away. so for now enjoy read, post just maybe you might. and have a great day

[cowgal]

Nothing New

welcome

A big FAT welcome aboard!!!:welcome: Feel free to post whatever, whenever, we will always be here to read and hopefully respond.............I have been without a computer all weekend, so just doing some catching-up myself!!!!

You should fit right in, I am having trouble stopping, but committed to today w/ a friend on here, cuz my weekend was BAAAAAD!!! My old habits reared their ugly heads, and I was to the point that I could not stop...............scarey!! I didnt even enjoy the drinking, so I knew I have to do something about it, so here I am pledging that I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY!!! Sometimes it takes that painful of a "bottom" to make us realize we need to do something about our drinking, wish I wasn't that thick headed, would have quit loooong ago!!

Good luck no matter your choice, and keep posting and let us know how you are doing, there is alot of love, care and concern here:h

[juli86]

Nothing New

Always, Welcome to this site. I, too, mostly read rather than post. I'm curious....you quit for 2 years and then started back....how was life during those two years? Did you ever get past the urges, or were you just hanging on every day? I guess my question really is, can you think of any ways life was better without drinking?

I'm glad you decided to post....you'll get lots of encouragement here. Remember, the difference between a wish and a plan is just one decision.

Again, welcome, and I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

Nothing New

Always wishing~Welcome :h

First, I must admire your honest post. You have no intention of stopping, and yet... you want to have a voice. You know you have a problem, and you are hoping that you can eventually change.

You are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
You are admittedly shortchanging your husband, who will love you no matter what you do.

Always wishing, I wish I could give you a virtual hug.:l Followed by a loving, swift kick in the proverbial pa-tootie (where ever that part is on your anatomy, please find it for me... ).

There is a beautiful soul within you, that deserves more than wishes.
You are stuck at home- almost imprisoned?- as a result of your drinking problem.
I see myself in you. You DO have something to say. How about we make a deal?

Do NOT change your drinking habits. Not yet. But today, with the pounding headache and the "sick" day, go to the local pharmacy or big boxed supercenter, and get some vitamins. Get a Super B Complex, L Glutamine, Flax Seed Oil (pills), Vitamin E, Primrose Oil, Calcium with Magnesium, and a chocolate bar. (Suze's orders! :l)

While I'm not asking you to change your drinking habits, I'm asking you to take charge of your health. Yes, the two are closely related, but if you take the baby step of treating your body right, the next steps will follow. It's a process.

We are all on the journey together. The person that I admire the most is d2bformula(?)~ Cindi. Look her name up and read her posts. Can you say struggle with a Capital S? However, can you also say Courage? Determination? Hopeful? Strength? She falls, but she gets back up. And Cindi looks forward. . If she can do this, so can I. So can you.

You can get your life back. Stay close~ no one is judging you. Yes, we will cry with you; worry for you, and hug you. And we will cheer you on, and love you. We won't change you~ that's your job... We can do this.
Much love,

[AlwaysWishing]

Nothing New

Thanks for the words of welcome!

juli86, the two years of not drinking weren't difficult at all because I was so afraid of losing my husband that it just wasn't an option. He was in a different place at the time and after two terrible marriages, he was very nervous to become attached and would have left if he had to. He has a son to protect and did not want to put him through any more with another bad relationship decision. So I didn't drink because I was in a constant state of fear that I would lose him. But now, we're in a stable relationship and he's committed so that fear isn't there to stop me. I have enough not to go off of the cliff but not enough to stop. The thing that frustrates me is that I know I could quit because I have. But I don't want it to be a fear based decision. I want to actively decide because it is best for my life and those I love. But I continue to postpone it and am afraid that something terrible will happen and I'll be forced to quit. I don't want to need that fear to do it. i just don't seem to have enough self respect to make a decision that is so clearly the right one. When I wasn't drinking, I got so much done and I'm really good at life without alcohol. I discovered that I'm even a good step mom. I want him to have good memories of his life with me. And I want my husband to be glad he made the decision to try love one more time. Right now it's easy to drink. I'm not a good influence on my husband. I always suggest situations that will make it easy to drink. Like going out to eat. Then we come home and have a couple of drinks and I rarely remember going to bed. I don't really get overwhelming urges, but that's probably because I never say no to alcohol so I don't have a chance to experience them.

Sorry for the long post. I'm not sure if I provided any new information. I'm just feeling unwell and a bit lonely at home.

Thank you for listening.

[Croft]

Nothing New

I completly understand this spot. Your honesty is beautiful and heart-wrenching all at the same time. It is a very confusing way to feel, but it is how you feel.

Welcome, stay, come, go - all of the above.

[AlwaysWishing]

Nothing New

Not Happy Hour,

Thanks so much for the advice. Unfortunately I don't have a car today but I'll go to the health food store tomorrow. The funny thing is, I went a week ago and purchase Milk Thistle, detox stuff, Sam-e etc. But yet I drink.

I appreciate so much that you say I have a beautiful soul within. It's been awhile since I've been able to feel that's true. Alcohol makes everything good about you fade into the background because you know you could be all of these things you already are but are too weak to change. It's terrible to feel that alcohol negates everything else. I like myself when not drinking. I'm kind and seem to bring happiness to those around me. I'm good at my job. I keep a relatively clean house. I just realized that everything I've wanted in my life came to me during those two years of not drinking. I found true love, bought a house, got a job that I like and pays well. I had none of those things prior to not drinking. What a wake up call that should be. I could never have imagined being this happy before I quit drinking.

Strange how alcohol can possibly be worth it.

I'll go and read Cindi's posts. I can't believe how much everyone has been through and yet you keep going. The combined strength of the people on this board could stop a war. Which is I guess what you're doing.

One thing that does help me to keep a little control over drinking is not being able to read all of the cookbooks I have. I love to read them, but I can't cook.

[Thankful]

Nothing New

Always Wishing, welcome. You know no one can make this decision for you. But you do seem to have a desparation in your posts. The words typed out may say "I don't want to quit", but the underlying message is screaming, "Yes I do! I need to quit!". You obviously do not want to wait until your husband has to give you an ultimatum. You do not want to put him through that pain, so why wait until it gets to that point? If you continue down the path your on, you will ended up with that result.

Take the bull by the horns now. ODAT. I agree whole heartedly with NHHHL's post. You don't have to quit right now, but get some vitamins and supps. Make some small changes today. Try not to drink today and let tomorrow deal with tomorrow. Even if you do not drink every other day, it's a start. The most important thing is to figure out what makes you want to drink in the first place. This may take some time to figure out. I'm sure you will find there are many reasons depending on your moods.

Good luck. We are here for you.

Love, Me
:l

[jane jane]

Nothing New

Always Wishing, I have not been the busiest poster lately, because I am really carefully re-thinking the whole Drink Or Don't issue.

I've never written one of those My Story long things, but I might soon. I've hesitated to do so because my story is pretty boring. I'm a fairly privileged upper-middle-class wife and mom who had no horrific childhood/adolescent issues, no searing life traumas as an adult, no---well, nothing, except an extreme fondness for nice wine. In quantity!

Yes, I'm joyful when I go AF for long stretches. Then I get bored and start right back!

You can never say never. Well, you can say it, but read all these posts---the strongest among us sneak back into the habit. Thus it shall ever be, supplements, chemicals, Antabuse, AA, whatever. I think the psychological craving beats the "physical" one all hollow, but that's me, so all these pills and herbs and drugs would do nothing for me. When they come up with a "pill" that will erase the lovely memory of the cool Riedel tulip by a flickering fireplace, I'll buy a caseful.

The reason the site is named "My Way Out," I suspect, is that each solution is as individual as the...individual. One size ain't gonna fit all. Good luck.