Hello All ?
About 6 months ago I came across this site on a quiet day at work when I was so hung over I could barely sign my own name on paperwork. I felt so sick and desperate that some sort of courage allowed me to face my problem and Google ?help for alcoholics?. I immediately started reading the posts and was gripped. I thought, ?Oh my God, I?m not the only freakin? drunk in the world!? I was elated, each story I read was my own story. I realized I was never going to be alone again.
It has taken me a long time to actually post and I fear I will bore you, but I need to say all this stuff publicly after keeping it to myself for so long. There?s a line in a song that I love that says, ?How can you walk if at first you don?t crawl?? So here I go?crawling.
I am 43 years old, married 16 years, no kids, 2 dogs. I am a super productive hard working type, have an immaculate house, walk each Saturday morning briskly with my Ipod thumping away in my ears, eat a healthy diet ? all the while dumping 9 beers a night down my throat on a weeknight and at least 30 on a weekend. As you all know, it took some champion practice over the years to reach this phenomenal number!
I guess what has had me in denial for so long is that I am a nice drunk. I don?t get violent or crazy, I don?t fall down (although I?ve come dangerously close), I?m not embarrassing (ok, not that I?ve been told anyway) , I don?t drink and drive (since I crashed into my own garage when I was 26), but none of that matters. A lucky drunk is still a drunk. I live each day being consumed by the shame of hiding behind the facade I have built. I am literally disgusted by myself. What kind of life is this? How the hell did I let this happen? I know there?s a better me inside, sometimes I dream about what I unbelievable things I could do if I didn?t waste so much time getting sloshed.
I think I am finally brave enough to say this?
-- I am tired of mapping all the liquor stores within a 10 mile radius of my house with the best price on an 18 pack of Miller Lite.
-- I am tired of hiding my beer cans in the 2nd obscure recycling can to keep my husband from counting
-- I am tired of not being able to see a friend at 4:00 on a Saturday because I know won?t be able to drive by then.
-- I am tired of knocking out the couch on Sunday at 6:00 when the pay-per-view movie starts at 8:00.
-- I am tired of dreading Monday morning work in a fog and loving Friday (because the hangover is less severe).
-- I am tired of looking forward to Saturday?s because I can start drinking at noon.
-- I am tired of encouraging my husband to spend time with his friends so I can be alone with my beer.
-- I am tired of going on business trips and raiding the mini bar (at my employer?s expense)
-- I am tired of feeling sick, feeling my heart race, feeling a burning in my stomach, my hands shaking
-- I am tired of not having sex because I?m too wasted
-- I am tired of not remembering something I did or said the day before
-- I am tired of the broken blood vessels on my face that I diligently hide with make up
-- I am tired of looking into the mirror and seeing yellowish eyes looking back at me
-- I am tired of not being able to relax or sleep or dream naturally
-- I am tired of not disclosing to my husband about how scared I am (I won?t even let him catch me checking this website)
-- I am tired of deadening everyday fears/issues instead of dealing with them
-- I am tired of knowing my husband and family pray everyday that I could stop drinking
-- I am tired of being ashamed
-- I am tired of excuses
-- I am tried of being afraid to die
Thank you for letting me vent about this demon for the first time in my life. I am so ready to quit this crap?just need help.
About 6 months ago I came across this site on a quiet day at work when I was so hung over I could barely sign my own name on paperwork. I felt so sick and desperate that some sort of courage allowed me to face my problem and Google ?help for alcoholics?. I immediately started reading the posts and was gripped. I thought, ?Oh my God, I?m not the only freakin? drunk in the world!? I was elated, each story I read was my own story. I realized I was never going to be alone again.
It has taken me a long time to actually post and I fear I will bore you, but I need to say all this stuff publicly after keeping it to myself for so long. There?s a line in a song that I love that says, ?How can you walk if at first you don?t crawl?? So here I go?crawling.
I am 43 years old, married 16 years, no kids, 2 dogs. I am a super productive hard working type, have an immaculate house, walk each Saturday morning briskly with my Ipod thumping away in my ears, eat a healthy diet ? all the while dumping 9 beers a night down my throat on a weeknight and at least 30 on a weekend. As you all know, it took some champion practice over the years to reach this phenomenal number!
I guess what has had me in denial for so long is that I am a nice drunk. I don?t get violent or crazy, I don?t fall down (although I?ve come dangerously close), I?m not embarrassing (ok, not that I?ve been told anyway) , I don?t drink and drive (since I crashed into my own garage when I was 26), but none of that matters. A lucky drunk is still a drunk. I live each day being consumed by the shame of hiding behind the facade I have built. I am literally disgusted by myself. What kind of life is this? How the hell did I let this happen? I know there?s a better me inside, sometimes I dream about what I unbelievable things I could do if I didn?t waste so much time getting sloshed.
I think I am finally brave enough to say this?
-- I am tired of mapping all the liquor stores within a 10 mile radius of my house with the best price on an 18 pack of Miller Lite.
-- I am tired of hiding my beer cans in the 2nd obscure recycling can to keep my husband from counting
-- I am tired of not being able to see a friend at 4:00 on a Saturday because I know won?t be able to drive by then.
-- I am tired of knocking out the couch on Sunday at 6:00 when the pay-per-view movie starts at 8:00.
-- I am tired of dreading Monday morning work in a fog and loving Friday (because the hangover is less severe).
-- I am tired of looking forward to Saturday?s because I can start drinking at noon.
-- I am tired of encouraging my husband to spend time with his friends so I can be alone with my beer.
-- I am tired of going on business trips and raiding the mini bar (at my employer?s expense)
-- I am tired of feeling sick, feeling my heart race, feeling a burning in my stomach, my hands shaking
-- I am tired of not having sex because I?m too wasted
-- I am tired of not remembering something I did or said the day before
-- I am tired of the broken blood vessels on my face that I diligently hide with make up
-- I am tired of looking into the mirror and seeing yellowish eyes looking back at me
-- I am tired of not being able to relax or sleep or dream naturally
-- I am tired of not disclosing to my husband about how scared I am (I won?t even let him catch me checking this website)
-- I am tired of deadening everyday fears/issues instead of dealing with them
-- I am tired of knowing my husband and family pray everyday that I could stop drinking
-- I am tired of being ashamed
-- I am tired of excuses
-- I am tried of being afraid to die
Thank you for letting me vent about this demon for the first time in my life. I am so ready to quit this crap?just need help.
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