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    #1

    Family Help or Hurt?

    So I made it through Valentines Day a single woman and reading some of these threads I think single was not so bad! I was in an abusive marriage for too long and I feel the pain of some of you guys! But well before an abusive marriage I had a pain in the ass manipulative Mother. Urgh! Still she can push my buttons and I'm 42! She is a "recovering drug addict" "sober" for oh, 10 years or something. I put quotations because she has a shoe box full of medications and she bangs the Big Book (AA stuff) around like a born again Christian does the bible. Its all so hypocritical (sp?) and a huge trigger for me. Every time I talk to her or spend any amount of time with her I go straight for the bottle. I think part of it is an excuse but I'm about to attempt AF, I thought starting on Sunday would be a good idea and I need some advice on handling her.

    I think being AF will allow her not to be able to push my buttons as much. I'm sorry if this isn't making great sense but I'm just trying to get it off my chest too! In her eyes, the only way to get and stay sober is the AA way. Well I've been there and done that and had some VERY bad experiences. I do know that it has helped tons of people but I felt the cult aspect more and it was a huge place for men to take advantage of vulnerable women. Anyway, I'm almost sure that being AF will allow me to be much more tolerable to her passive agressivenes, but if anyone can relate please let me know how you handle family issues.

    Thanks!

    I was going to attempt AF yesterday but considering the whole single (recently) and Valentines, I had a great excuse to drink!
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    #2
    Family Help or Hurt?

    (((ThuzzyQ))))

    Welcome hon. I hate born again anythings. That would be real hard. Maybe u could tell her you decided to have a sex change.......while she is shocked and scared, say, naw you just decided to go AF w/out AA.

    Seriously, It's hard when a loved one is a trigger. Can you lessen your time spent with her, even if it's on the phone, until you get several AF days, say 30 under your belt?

    :l

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      #3
      Family Help or Hurt?

      I am with hart - I was born once and that painful as hell. Once is enough.

      Welcome THUZ!!!!

      hart's advice is sound!

      hang with us! we rock, if I don't say so myself!

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        #4
        Family Help or Hurt?

        I Agree with Hart as well, great advice! I also agree with Croft the people here ROCK and I cannot say that enough!!!

        S&T32
        ~Life is not measured by the breaths we take. Rather by the moments in life that take our breath away~ Author Unknown

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          #5
          Family Help or Hurt?

          Thanks guys! I posted this early this morning and I wasn't getting responses so I thought - was this really dumb? Whew! That's a great idea to put some space for awhile. Wish me luck this weekend, I don't have internet access at home but I may hit Caribou Coffee to talk!

          Have a great weekend!

          Comment

            #6
            Family Help or Hurt?

            hi there...thuzzyq..welcome aboard.it sound like you want to make her happy . well that will never happen . you cannt please everyone but you can please yourself .so if you want to be af do it for yourself not for anyone else.and one other thing . dont ever throw anything away. read alot and take what you need from both here mwo.YES AA .TOO because if you really want to do it .you can find it all ..in every thing you read.to make your own way out
            :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
            best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

            Comment

              #7
              Family Help or Hurt?

              Hi Thuzzy! love your name. yes, those button-pushing relatives .. oh god!!! Does your mom live in the same town as you? I think Hart's idea was good. try to keep a little distance for just a while. hope to hear more from you !
              :boxer: Get the hell out of my house, Al, you worthless bastard!!

              Comment

                #8
                Family Help or Hurt?

                Hummm... I'm sitting her thinking. And thinking. I don't have anything helpful to say. i kept a bottle at my mother's house. I'd keep one at my dad's nursing home if I could. But I don't think it's them. It's me and I must take responsibility for myself and control my reaction to triggers. Not doing a very good job of it at the moment. But continuing to try. Hang in there.
                sigpic
                Thoughts become things..... choose the good ones. ~TUT

                Comment

                  #9
                  Family Help or Hurt?

                  I think we all need to take care of ourselves. We need to avoid situations where we will drink to excess.

                  Let's say tomorrow you want to go AF...then avoid your mother tomorrow. If you have the same goal the next day...avoid her again.

                  Until you are strong enough to handle it, take care of yourself, and meet your daily goals. Don't feel guilty either, just set your goals and make every effort to meet them...including avoiding triggers (even if they are people you love).

                  That's what I'm trying to do, anyway.
                  Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find joy in overcoming obstacles (Helen Keller)

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Family Help or Hurt?

                    Dear Thuzzy,

                    I can relate to your situation about AA. Although I've never attended a single AA meeting, 2 years ago my family physician referred me to an outpatient addiction counselling program at a local hospital which preached a lot of AA principles, most notably "the disease model" of alcoholism. Although I was the first to admit I drank too much, there was no way I was going to give up my rational/scientific outlook on the world, an outlook that frequently clashed with the principles of the program. In short, I found that each time I disagreed with this AA-inspired program, my criticisms were cast off as "symptoms of my disease" rather than a rational demand for evidence. I found that the counsellor treating me was completely brainwashed, and had zero appreciation of the fact that some of us demand reasons before we will adopt certain beliefs/practices; we do not take things on faith. That said, as harsh as it may sound, there is no point debating or disagreeing with your mother about the merits of AA; people in her position are not interested in using reason to settle disputes (in the same way that fanatically religious people are not). Don't let people like that bring you down! Good luck going AF.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Family Help or Hurt?

                      Hi Thuzzy,

                      I can indentify with you. My sister has been sober for 5 years thanks to AA. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of her, but she is so all consumed with her AA duties and required committments it's almost like she's now addited to AA.

                      I've been to a few meetings with her but it's so not for me. When I told my sister I was going to seek professional counseling to help with my alcohol problem she became insensed! She told me I was setting myself up for failure and that AA was the ONLY way I was going to recover. So, I hung up the phone and cracked open a beer or 10.

                      This is why I'm so happy to have found this community. I can't wait for the day I can prove my sister wrong.

                      I will also be seeing my sister on Sunday which ironically was also the first day I was going to attempt AF. I hope we can both have a nice day free of button pushing. I wish I had advice for you on how to handle it but I don't even have advice for myself. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone!
                      Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey

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                        #12
                        Family Help or Hurt?

                        Working Girl, Good luck tomorrow.
                        sigpic
                        Thoughts become things..... choose the good ones. ~TUT

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