?Fasten your seat belts , its gonna be a bumpy ride??????I always loved that line. Betty Davis. I?ve been waiting a long time to use it???it doesn?t belong here, but I don?t care. I?m using it anyway.
I like going home to Spain. It reminds me of how I use to be. No stress, no baggage and no addictions.
The plane landed in Malaga late Monday night. As soon as the doors opened, I knew I was home. The smell of garlic was in the air. I grabbed my luggage, rented a car, ( diesel??gas is over $ 7 a galloon! No wonder they?re all skinny over there. Between all the walking and the Mediterranean diet of fish, olive oil and garlic?I could be skinny and beautiful too!......Penelope Cruz would have nothing on me!!!!! ) So, I?m in my car heading down the coast to my pueblo and my local bar. Now Chief, calm down. They?ve known me since I was in utero and I?m just stopping to say hi. So there I am, sitting on the beach with a plate of their home cured olives and the catch of the day????what a home coming.
I wake up the next morning at 4am and go to the beach to take pictures. I capture sunrise and the fishing boats coming into port. The seagulls in Spain are pretty aggressive and follow the boats all the way up to the dock. Its kinda creepy to watch because it looks like a scene out of Alfred Hitchcocks ?The Birds?. Seagulls dive bombing onto the deck grabbing the fish???..?run for your life!? I started a triage spot for all the victims??.thought I was at work! ( just kidding )
Lunch time, I go see mom????..ta ta ta dummmmmmm!
She looks the same, its only been 2.5 years but when you?re up there in years, that?s a long time. Externally she looks fine, internally she is aging rapidly. Mom has arthritis, has trouble walking and her ankles get very swollen by the end of the day. I start to panic, depression sets in, I envision myself having to take water pills at age 60, having to stay home so there?s a bathroom in close proximity. I return to my hotel and put on my running shoes! I?m not going down without a fight!
The first day we go have a leisurely lunch, mom?s is mostly liquid, mine is mostly fish and then we go home. This went on for the 10 days pretty much. I?d see her once a day at the time she tells me to come over. I?m treated as a visitor, not as a daughter??its always been like that. We make appts. to meet. I?m not allowed to stay with her. Haven?t since I was kicked out at 15. Having said all that, there is no anger, I?ve come to terms with it a long time ago. I expect nothing more.
So out of the 10 days I had one bad day/night. I went out to dinner with my mother and step-father for an amazing meal. That night I decided I would have wine with the intent of moderating. Need I say more???.Its hard to moderate when the waiters are topping up your glass each time your head is turned??..I went back to my hostel and started talking to the night watchman. Of course he kept giving me free drinks??..We solved all the worlds problems that night, too bad I can?t remember any of the solutions. I woke up in the morning, shaking, anxious and with heart palpitations, and lets not forget guilt??..I scared myself half to death. Stupid me???.. I felt like such a loser. I pretty much stayed in my hotel room for 24 hours writing in my journal and analyzing my ?slip???.I couldn?t stomach getting up and facing the world again, let alone the night watchman. I stayed the rest of the trip AF which was no easy feat with my mother. That was my bad day, the rest were great??.
So that?s pretty much it???.My vacation consisted of lots of meals, lots of journal-ling and lots of reading. In that sense it was very rewarding. I made a few decisions while I was gone. I need to loose weight, ( in Spain I felt so HUGE, and I?m not even that big ) I want to continue on track with my alcohol consumption or lack of it I should say???.I joined the daily tracker. I?ve kept one for years but having it exposed to all I?m in struggle with is going to be helpful I think. Then, there are the personal decisions I need to make about my life. Son?s going to college in Sept, so now its all about me! Career change? Degree? We?ll see????fasten your seat belts, its gonna be a bumpy ride!
I like going home to Spain. It reminds me of how I use to be. No stress, no baggage and no addictions.
The plane landed in Malaga late Monday night. As soon as the doors opened, I knew I was home. The smell of garlic was in the air. I grabbed my luggage, rented a car, ( diesel??gas is over $ 7 a galloon! No wonder they?re all skinny over there. Between all the walking and the Mediterranean diet of fish, olive oil and garlic?I could be skinny and beautiful too!......Penelope Cruz would have nothing on me!!!!! ) So, I?m in my car heading down the coast to my pueblo and my local bar. Now Chief, calm down. They?ve known me since I was in utero and I?m just stopping to say hi. So there I am, sitting on the beach with a plate of their home cured olives and the catch of the day????what a home coming.
I wake up the next morning at 4am and go to the beach to take pictures. I capture sunrise and the fishing boats coming into port. The seagulls in Spain are pretty aggressive and follow the boats all the way up to the dock. Its kinda creepy to watch because it looks like a scene out of Alfred Hitchcocks ?The Birds?. Seagulls dive bombing onto the deck grabbing the fish???..?run for your life!? I started a triage spot for all the victims??.thought I was at work! ( just kidding )
Lunch time, I go see mom????..ta ta ta dummmmmmm!
She looks the same, its only been 2.5 years but when you?re up there in years, that?s a long time. Externally she looks fine, internally she is aging rapidly. Mom has arthritis, has trouble walking and her ankles get very swollen by the end of the day. I start to panic, depression sets in, I envision myself having to take water pills at age 60, having to stay home so there?s a bathroom in close proximity. I return to my hotel and put on my running shoes! I?m not going down without a fight!
The first day we go have a leisurely lunch, mom?s is mostly liquid, mine is mostly fish and then we go home. This went on for the 10 days pretty much. I?d see her once a day at the time she tells me to come over. I?m treated as a visitor, not as a daughter??its always been like that. We make appts. to meet. I?m not allowed to stay with her. Haven?t since I was kicked out at 15. Having said all that, there is no anger, I?ve come to terms with it a long time ago. I expect nothing more.
So out of the 10 days I had one bad day/night. I went out to dinner with my mother and step-father for an amazing meal. That night I decided I would have wine with the intent of moderating. Need I say more???.Its hard to moderate when the waiters are topping up your glass each time your head is turned??..I went back to my hostel and started talking to the night watchman. Of course he kept giving me free drinks??..We solved all the worlds problems that night, too bad I can?t remember any of the solutions. I woke up in the morning, shaking, anxious and with heart palpitations, and lets not forget guilt??..I scared myself half to death. Stupid me???.. I felt like such a loser. I pretty much stayed in my hotel room for 24 hours writing in my journal and analyzing my ?slip???.I couldn?t stomach getting up and facing the world again, let alone the night watchman. I stayed the rest of the trip AF which was no easy feat with my mother. That was my bad day, the rest were great??.
So that?s pretty much it???.My vacation consisted of lots of meals, lots of journal-ling and lots of reading. In that sense it was very rewarding. I made a few decisions while I was gone. I need to loose weight, ( in Spain I felt so HUGE, and I?m not even that big ) I want to continue on track with my alcohol consumption or lack of it I should say???.I joined the daily tracker. I?ve kept one for years but having it exposed to all I?m in struggle with is going to be helpful I think. Then, there are the personal decisions I need to make about my life. Son?s going to college in Sept, so now its all about me! Career change? Degree? We?ll see????fasten your seat belts, its gonna be a bumpy ride!
eace:
I will no longer give the BEAST any power over me - he can go straight to hell.
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