my journal my journey

[garden girl]

I need to go on this journey because this morning I watched my beautiful girls get upset because last night their mum who they love dearly got drunk again. For the past five years they have had to put up with their mum not being there once or twice sometimes even three times a week. Why? because i have a drink problem and between 6 and 8 oclock at night I have been unable to fight the urge to go and buy a bottle of wine. When I get the wine I drink it quickly because I am so ashamed of my habit and the result is that their mum who is normally there for them in every way just suddenly isnt. They so want their mum back and I am determined to give them her back and at the same time give me myself back. I am so tired of this, there has to be a turning point somewhere when even though Ive said it before this time it has to be THE time it works.My journey normally only lasts 2or 3 days and then I get off and drink, this time it just has to go on and on and on, only then will this urge to drink start to diminish and I can really concentrate on living again.Today I have done alot of things to put some help there for myself. I have asked my mum to help me,my friend yourselves, doctor and my counsellor. I know that if I can get through the first 7/10 days I will feel so strong that I wont need their help so much, but for now I hold my hands up and admit defeat, I cannot do this alone. I also cannot fail this time because I dont think I could stand another failure and my family certainly cannot. I dont suffer physical withdrawel but I do seem to get very depressed by day three. Today I feel like CXXp but very determined that today has to be different. so here goes

[ducky]

my journal my journey

Good luck GG. You sound very determined and it is great that you have asked for support. I will be rooting for you!

[Janice]

my journal my journey

Garden girl, first of all can I say thank you for coming back to MWO. We have missed you so much - please don't stay away no matter how bad it gets - thats something I've been guilty of in the past and I just felt totally isolated without this site. Use it as a journal if you like, each day let us know how you're doing, how you're feeling, good or bad we want to be here for you.......not just the good Af days but the not so good days, we all have them no matter where we are on this journey. If kicking this addiction was easy there would be no MWO, none of us would be here but its not easy, its hell, its poison and thats why we are here, because we are trying. Never stop trying Garden Girl - those girls are worth it, those girls deserve it. You are worth it, you deserve to feel what its like to be rid of this monster. Your friend, Janicexxxx

[greeneyes]

my journal my journey

Good luck GG I'm in the same boat . Well, I'm behind you. Toss me a paddle if you have a spare. Or let me into your boat. I am seeking one day AF. Keep rowing

[happydog]

my journal my journey

Hi garden girl,
good to see you back. you sound so detemined. i have faith in you, you can do this. We are here for you.
good luck.

Love

Teardrop.x

[4theboyz]

my journal my journey

Hello GG,

Your post got my heart beating fast as I read it. I also quit because of my boys and not wanting to disappoint them any longer (if only they knew how bad it really was). Hand tough and fight for what you know is right. Start your day here and end your evenings here and you will find the added support you need to help you get through the rough spots.

Make your girls proud - you *can* do it!

[Thankful]

my journal my journey

Gardengirl, you can do it. My day three was hell for me for years. I could never get to day 4 without this place. I logged on my day 3 crying with frustration and some posts really hit me and they got me through. So stay close, ok? You never know what is going to hit you and really inspire you.

Good luck.

Love, Me
:l

[Guest]

my journal my journey

Hi GG.........wonderful to see you back posting.
You have to hold onto your idea of the urge to drink diminishing GG........it does.......the longer you go AF, the easier it seems to get.

I hold out my hand to you.......I am here for you and will help you any way I can........you only have to ask.

Be the woman and mother you really want to be........that sober woman and mother is who you truly are.........fight for her. Please believe that I am no stronger than you, GG, so if I could quit drinking..........so too can you. :l

I wish you love and renewed strength,

Starlight Impress xxx

[Ripple]

my journal my journey

GG..your avatar makes me want to drink, can you do something with it?

~ripple~

[happy4once]

my journal my journey

Gardengirl - you are not alone and really, neither are your kids. Many similar stories here and many moms. My story is similar with the wine at night...however, my kids were not old enough to understand and articulate yet -- they just wondered why mommy was always so crabby and too tired to do anything the next day.

Can you get supplements to help you through the depression & withdrawal? I was also never able to make it past day 3 until I found MWO -- I feel so much better now and I think the supplements (and the CDs) helped me through. Especially getting to sleep at night.

Hope you can make it through your first day - please keep posting. Maybe come online and chat during your normal drinking time instead of going for wine? You sound very determined so please use this site when you are starting to waiver.

Good luck to you -- you can do it!

[garden girl]

my journal my journey

thankyou so much star and everyone. I am going to keep this journal going daily so that it will motivate me to succeed. I just cannot drink anymore I throw the towel in.

Sorry ripple the avatar has to stay its a talking point but I will change it soon.

GG

[Ripple]

my journal my journey

okay GG dear one, its a reminder the ugliness of alcoholism, i can see your point! although i see hope for you by your writing ability and awareness. :goodjob: leave the avatar as long as needed, i will have to get over it, that is what staying away from bottle is about, dealing with the shite that comes our way. my thoughts are with you towards recovery.

luv~ripple~

[poohbear]

my journal my journey

just want to say stay strong and remember the reasons you are doing this. Your post rings so many bells about myself. I too can go about 3 days and then start to waiver and the cravings start to hit hard. I am right now actually on day 3 and thankfully not drinking tonight (have a horrible cold) some say a shot of whiskey will clear that right up - haha but I won't go there. Anyway I have disappointed my children many, many times (I have 3 boys) and most recently had my 15 y/o son take my vodka and hide it so I wouldnt drink anymore. So yea I know how you feel when it comes to our children - we want to be good role models for them not drunken mommies. Hang in there WE can do THIS

hugs,

Pbear

[OverIt2007]

my journal my journey

Dear Garden Girl. Funny, we both came back at the same time! (I remember you from before and I just came back myself ) I understand your self loathing, especially when you feel like a failure as a mother. I know, because I have a 3 year old little boy who I have let down so many times with my drinking. Im here with you as you start your journey, and I hope you find the formula that works for you. Yes, your children deserve a sober Mom, but YOU deserve to be the Mom you want to be as well.

[garden girl]

my journal my journey

Hi everyone on to the 2nd day of my journey, how strange that our moods change so much one day to another, I feel different again today less panicky , more down but still as determined. I am sure that the turning point for me is actually saying I give up, I cannot go on like this any longer, I cannot fight any longer. With the giving up then comes acceptance, that for the moment ,I have stopped drinking. I suffer from asthma and am very allergic to all animals. I carry my inhaler around but I also protect myself by keeeping away from animals. I am looking at alcohol with that mindset which is something I havent really done before. I am allergic to the alcohol so I cannot have it as it will make me ill. Today I feel alot more relaxed about stopping because I literally have stopped fighting, just given in and said ok I cant beat you or control you but I am not getting in the ring with you anymore,just accepting I cannot drink seems to lift a weight off my shoulders. However I am very aware that this is day 2 and tomorrow my mood will change again, but somehow I am not worrying so much. I know I will probably want a drink but I wont be having one. I am not very good at keeping a journal at home but hope that by coming on here everyday it will help me achieve my goal. I hope that my ramblings can help some people who can relate to being at the same stage of the fight as I am. Anybody who wants to just jump on the journey with me .

onwards and upwards

GG XX