Time to sort myself out, but

[SJ]

Back again! I've been here in the past with another user name but have decided to start over. I am from the UK and a Mum to 4, living with my other half (OH). I'm nearly 39 and have been a heavy drinker since I was 19. I never intended to drink as my Dad did too much of that, but I did.
Recently my desire to drink has been on the up and up. Over all I am drinking less than I have done in years but it is still a problem. Put me anywhere near a box of wine and I just guzzle. I stop on one or two drinks if forced to but if I have the chance I just keep going. Last week we were away visiting the in-laws and I decided that once home I would sort myself out. I have 2 1/2 stone in weight to loose, I drink too much I am surronded by started but unfinished projects, my house is a mess, I've given up exercising and I don't give my children the attention I would like to. I know from past experience that just quiting drinking isn't enough, I don't feel better quick enough. I have to change my diet to as near all raw as possible and then I start to feel great.
The first problem is that since I decided I needed to get this sorted I have started to question why I drink too much, why I struggle with my food and why once I feel good do I go back to doing what makes me feel bad. I then realise that my self esteem is rolling round on the floor somewhere! I just don't feel good enough. My OH loves me but I've never met up to his expectations. I'm 'allowed' 'time for myself' if it is doing sport but anything else I want to do has to be fitted in around him and his activities. I have started a website, I have blogs to write and other things to do on the computer but he sees that as time wasting even though I earnt a fair amount of money from what I was doing last year.
In short even just thinking about doing things to make me feel better has made me feel worse. I am taking his every remark as a critisism and battling with the idea that I'm just not worth enough to even try getting better. I know I am worth it but who I want to be isn't necessarily who he wants me to be and it's the disaproval that I find to hard to take. I need to get over that but for the momment I am sitting on a fence with sobriety on one side and a big bottle of white wine on the other!

[gabby1go]

Time to sort myself out, but

SJ,

In my opinion, you need to put yourself first and foremost. It may sound selfish, but at this point, if you don't you won't be worth a damn to anyone. Try to go AF for a while. Do you have the supplements? They really work. Set a start date that works for you and stick to it. If you set a start date you can mentally prepare for it and wean yourself off the wine beforehand so that it won't be so bad when you start. Also, when you go AF maybe start a diet plan at the same time. When I went AF I found that if I wasn't on some type of diet I was eating everything in sight! Trust me, after three to four days you will start feeling better, your skin will look better, you will sleep better and generally have a better outlook. It is tough but you can do it and it sounds like you are ready to take the bull by the horns! One cautionary note, if you feel as if you are going through serious withdrawls you may want to consult a doctor. Better safe than sorry. Stay on the boards and post, post, post! There are people here who understand and can help you get through the tough times. All the best, Gabby.

[cowgal]

Time to sort myself out, but

well said

I think Gabby is right, put yourself first, do this for you and the rest will sort itself out...............

Good luck, We are here for you all the time, please keep us posted as to how you are!

[cowgal]

Time to sort myself out, but

well said

I think Gabby is right, put yourself first, do this for you and the rest will sort itself out...............

Good luck, We are here for you all the time, please keep us posted as to how you are!

MA

[Bella]

Time to sort myself out, but

SJ...Welcome! It sounds like you have very low-self-esteem....join the club! It is doubly hard to make healthy changes if you don't value yourself enough. I am the same.....I start being healthy, then when things are okay again, I revert back to old ways..mad isn't it!!! I always say to myself, if I don't believe in myself, no one else will. YOU are the only one who can do this......and you CAN do this....so here's to you SJ....Be strong, stand up for yourself, stand up to your husband and I bet....you will like the results......All the best and post again. Bella xxxx

[trixietrack]

Time to sort myself out, but

hi SJ just by posting the above you are already taking a big step in finding your true self. it may take sometime, but it's a journey, a new path.
be kind to yourself and try to find a way to let your Oh know that you want changes.
he may turn around as well when he sees that you are happier.

have you read the book? it will help you get started.

be well and please keep coming back

Trix

[Croft]

Time to sort myself out, but

You post is very thoughtful and very revealing.

I think you need a lot less negative and lot more positive. We all start and then fall off. Not just alcohol, but diet, exercise, shaving our legs (maybe that is just me). But the point is habits are hard to break and hard to start.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It is ok to keep starting over. In fact, I think that is the only way to get this figured out. Keep starting, keep starting, keep starting.

And celebrate your successes no matter how small. And complete forget how your OH thinks of you. THIS game is about YOU. Do this for YOU. I learned this over Valentine's Day in a very hard, but real way. And it has made a big difference. In fact, I just got a pedicure done and the color I picked is called "Wife Goes On". I love my hubby, but this goal is for me. I bought a whole bottle of the color.

DO THIS FOR YOU
DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP
CELEBRATE EVERY STEP OF PROGRESS
START OVER AS MANY TIMES AS YOU NEED TO

[trixietrack]

Time to sort myself out, but

wife goes on that is so funny. what color is it ? red purple or all of the above

[4theboyz]

Time to sort myself out, but

Hello SJ,

Reading your post it seems you have a good understanding of your situation and what works and what doesn't. I sense a pile of resentment has built up between you and your OH with your website and his sport and more than likely your relationship with AL. There seems to be a lot going on and AL surely makes all that easier - right? You don't need me to tell you what's going on, and I believe that in your heart you know best of what needs to get done. I/we are always here for you!
:l

[Croft]

Time to sort myself out, but

color is red, with a hint of passion for me!

[SJ]

Time to sort myself out, but

Thanks for your replies. I managed just one beer last night and really didn't want anything else. Even in that situation part of me is niggling saying 'but you must want another one' I managed to ignore it yesterday so I'm pleased about that. I've started on Bvits as they help with the paranoia which comes from the drinking and that really doesn't help the self esteem. I'm not feeling so bitter today and went to see a friend leaving OH with all 4 kids! That always feels good!

[Noelle]

Time to sort myself out, but

Fall off the fence onto the sobriety side SJ. You can do it!