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**Guest** · July 5, 2006, 01:00 PM

questions about spouse alcoholism

Hey he may not be drinking but he may have allergies as well. I would ask him to go get a full physical and have his blood work and liver work done. Yes, you have to be careful, but his health needs to be important and mistrust and accusations usually just create defensiveness. See if you can get him to a doctor for a checkup and see if the two of you can have an honest, calm conversation about his health and the red blotches.

**Guest** · July 6, 2006, 04:22 PM

questions about spouse alcoholism

questions about spouse alcoholism

Thank you for the advice. I will check it out. I just wish I wasn't as suspicios all the time.

This website is great it really makes me understand what he has been going through. I read so many discussions and it is exactly what we have gone through.

**Guest** · July 7, 2006, 09:37 AM

questions about spouse alcoholism

anything to help

Hey Tanya, hang in there. I am the drinker so I can give you my perspective from this end of the spectrum. My husband doesn't drink at all. In fact he has such an aversion to alcohol that he can't even take certain cold medicines that contain alcohol. (how lucky is that?) Me, I can drink until I pass out and then do it again the next night. It's a relentless cycle to be in. Believe me if your spouse is drinking, he's also beating himself to death with feelings of guilt and the awful feeling of having virtually no ability to control what so many people can. It makes you feel very inadequate, as a person, as a partner as a parent..and this of course leads to more self loathing and at last...more drinking. It is a horrible cycle to be caught in. It's horrible for you to watch it and feel utterly helpless to do anything. this will soon lead to resentment...be careful. You and yours should probably sit down and have a heart to heart. My husband is not the heart to to heart kind. He absolutely detests a drunk and never misses a chance to remind me of the fact that drunks are the lowest form of life in any universe. Which leads to more self loathing which leads to more drinking..you see? It's like the neverending nightmare. At any rate, now that I've completely depressed you and made you feel like there is no hope.

TADAA!!!

Here is this remarkable program. Many people will probably fuss at me for this but if he's not yet ready, why don't you get the book and read it, and put him on a "vitamin regimen"? Underhanded? perhaps. Maybe not the most open approach, but I am a heavy drinker. I have been for the last 10-15 years. I drink a 1.5 liter bottle of wine a night, every night. I fell over this program on the internet, got the book, bought the supplements (I couldn't find the powder, but I take an L-glutamine along with all the other supps in the morning).
I have only been on the program for 13 days. I drank last Friday night, a regular sized bottle of wine. I didn't enjoy it, and I felt like crap the next day. I'm not on the medication yet, but I have no desire to drink...really. I think about it everyday about the usual cocktail hour time (6pm-7pm) but I really can say that I just don't want anything. The thought of the taste doesn't appeal to me...it's amazing. So...my point is he should go to the dr. about his rash and any other issues he may have. If he doesn't feel like his drinking is a problem for him, well...put him on some vitamins and see for yourself. I know I'm going to catch hell for this but it's just a suggestion. Usually the drunk is the only one who thinks that the drinking isn't a problem.. Since when is drinking a liter and a half of wine every night not a problem? Hope this helps, and I'll be happy to share any insight that I have. Good luck darling...SD

**Guest** · July 7, 2006, 11:25 AM

questions about spouse alcoholism

Re: anything to help

SD...
dont know why you would think you would catch hell for your suggestions... I personally thought they were great! I would not put someone else on a "medication", but supplements and vitamins can only help. Tanya, if you could get the All One and the supplements, many of them are awesome and people take them for other reasons, so you could take them along with him. You could make it a "we" thing with the supplements for the purpose of health.

Also, red blotches can be a sign of drinking too much, but also other things too. I think the check-up with the doc is a good idea. I would think if he has red, blotchy face, that you would notice other things as well if he has drank enough for that to happen. I dont know how he normally is after consuming too much alcohol.... some men get really quiet and sit in front of the T.V. and so you cant really tell, and others may get really talky, more aggressive, argumentative, or social. I would look for behavior changes, possibly slurred speach, repeating things he may have already told you several hours, or the day before, etc.

But bottom line, if you are not sure if he is drinking or not, he probably isnt, or probably isnt too terribly heavily if you cannot tell.

Let him know how much you love him and want to support him, and maybe IF he is drinking at all, or skipping out on the Antabuse, he will be more inclined to be honest with you if he feels you are not going to judge him or get angry, but rather just take a deep breath and ask him what you can do to help him? Shame is the biggest factor in this struggle... especially when we feel condemned by our spouse.

And to you SD.... drunks are NOT the lowest of the low... your husband is just heaping a bunch of condemnation on you in hopes that it will make you feel "so bad" about your awful ways, that you will "prove" that you are not this scum of the earth that he is referring too....

Everyone has their struggles, including your husband. It's always easier to think somone else's sin is blacker than our own. Keep your chin up SD!!

Best of luck Tanya! Keep us posted and feel free to hang out here. We have others here too who are seeking help for loved ones who do not drink themselves, and we do all we can to help. You sound like a terrific mother!

Allie

**Guest** · July 7, 2006, 11:52 AM

questions about spouse alcoholism

questions about spouse alcoholism

Hi, I have taken antabuse in the past and occasionally would have one drink while taking it just to see if it really did make you sick. Your husband is definitely drinking while on it and this could be dangerous! The red "rashes" are actually flushes that are suppose to happen if you drink. They cause you to feel very warm and a tingling sensation (usually in the hands and feet). Check his palms as well as his face as they are probably red too. Those were enough symptoms to scare me to have no more alcohol because if you drink more, the symptoms get worse and could even lead to seizures! Get on line and research antabuse...it is dangerous what your husband is doing and maybe you need to show him that the combination is very bad. Maybe that would scare him enough to stay away from the booze.

**Guest** · July 7, 2006, 12:05 PM

questions about spouse alcoholism

thank you all for your advice. It is very helpful. I am worried because I do think he is still drinking. I just don't know where to begin. I have tried being honest and open and supportive. I have tried criticising him ( I know that doesn't help but I thought maybe it would snap him out of it). I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just do it for him (and for everyone). It is just so different because I have no desire to drink at all. I am just tired of feeling ignorant.

Even my pharmacist tells me that he cannot drink while on Antibuse but I still fell so unsure.
I love reading this website because it really gives me insight on what to look for.

As a non drinker I think he would want to quit and It is so very hard for me to understand. That is what I want to do is be understanding and not feel so darn ignorant.

What is quite interesting to me is I feel so helpless and when reading other peoples sites they seem to feel helpless to.

Thanks for the help
Tanya

**Guest** · July 7, 2006, 12:08 PM

questions about spouse alcoholism

I also wanted to tell you that I think you all can do it. You all are so honest and I think that is the first step.

If anyone ever needs any advice from the other perspective fell free to e-mail me.
the best of luck to you all
Tanya

**Guest** · July 7, 2006, 09:03 PM

questions about spouse alcoholism

Tanya...
I would have never known that Antabuse made you get splotchy! I have never personally been on it, so I have learned something new here! So maybe your suspicions are true. But how MUCH can he be drinking on this medication? Obviously he is taking it if he is displaying the splotchiness? But maybe not consistent? I dont know... but you are right to stay on top of it and be concerned.

But dont freak out by any means, he is probably very aware of his limits on the Antabuse if he is taking it at all, and probably more terrified of you discovering he is drinking on it! I dont have any great answers, but I know that he probably wants very much to know that you will support him no matter what. He needs to feel safe.

On the other hand, YOU need to feel safe... its a tough situation. I've been in a very similar situation as you, except it was not drinking, it was with someone who was bipolar. So it is scary when you cannot control someone else's moods, reactions, behavior, etc. Especially when you are the "mom", the protector of the little ones.

Stay in touch..

Allie

**Guest** · July 8, 2006, 07:58 AM

questions about spouse alcoholism

thanks and good luck to our mutual friend Tanya

Allie...That was very kind of you. I guess I just think that most people have this illusion about "honesty is the best policy"..and yes, I agree. Honesty can be very cathartic..sometimes it just doesn't hurt to take the horse by the reigns yourself. Like you said, T could take the supps with him on kind of a "we" health kick. He may stop, or he may not, but you don't know until you try. It may help him to moderate. Thanks for your support.

I try not to let my husband's comments get to me. I know why he does it. Sometimes I snap back with a crappy remark about aspiring to become a morally superior heroin addict or something he could respect. That usually sends the guilt back in his court. Everyone has their devil. I just like mine in a glass over ice. anyway, day 14 for me today. no real issues. I go to the dr. on Monday. I hope I will have the courage to ask about the topa. Have a great weekend and good luck to you. I like coming to this place. Everyone is so accepting and kind and suppoprtive...another point on the side that drunks are not the lowest form..Thanks Allie..SD

**Guest** · July 8, 2006, 10:01 AM

questions about spouse alcoholism

questions about spouse alcoholism

Thank you all for your kind words and Honesty. It is just so sad to me that I have to get answers from strangers. I feel like I am so tired of feeling ignorant and not knowing is he drinking or is he just tired or allergies or what. I don't want to speak for any of your spouses on why they insult or make rude comments, but I know for me it is becaused I feel like I just don't know. I realize it is like insulting an obese person for eating lunch, and I try not to do it. I think maybe if I say just one right thang it might change everything. And everything you all say seems so right. Even though I do not drink trust me I share your pain. It is so hard for me to listen to your stories. I just wish I could fix it for everyone. It is sad that in society they bring light to gays lesbians like the Ellen Degeneeres show or Broke back mountain. They talk about young children having babies, They definetlly do alot about drug abuse and spousal abuse, but I havent seen anything about alcoholism. Maybe I just missed it. I don't know. Heck if I can't even tell with my husband I probably did miss it LOL. :lol Anyways I reallly wish you all the best and success in everyway your life takes you. You all have a ffriend with me. And I just want oyu to know also I don't judge you I have done many things in my life and failed, but I hope that doesn't make me a failure. I will try your advice. Ijust want my husband to get on this board. I think he feels alone.
Tanya

You are all in my prayers:d

**Guest** · July 9, 2006, 08:37 AM

questions about spouse alcoholism

you haven't failed

Tanya..You haven't failed on any level. None of us has. Why do we fall? So we can pick ourselves up again. Sometimes things don't turn out exactly as we have planned but..we always learn something, even if it's something you think you didn't want to learn. The fact that you come here everyday speaks volumes about the kind of person you are and about the depth of your committment to your husband. When someone you love says something that isn't nice it's their way of venting their frustration with what they can't "fix". That's human nature. We are quick to see what's wrong with everyone else. Anyway, you keep on going. Your husband will come around, maybe you can start the "vitamin regimen" and see how he does with that. I'm not kidding, I noticed the first day that I didn't want to drink. Really. That was with just the supplements. Maybe you could do the supplements and see what happens, but don't talk about drinking for a little bit, just kind of observe him. He may be feeling closed in and that all anyone thinks about is his drinking. Didn't you say his parents told you about his issue? Bring them on board, maybe his mom will buy him the book ..I don't know. These are just suggestions. I feel your frustration, and your pain. I'll keep my fingers crossed and keep you in my prayers. Don't give up..Take care...SD

**Guest** · July 9, 2006, 08:48 AM

questions about spouse alcoholism

check these out

Hey Tanya..(yes I do talk incessently)..I was just browsing the other pages here and I came across a posting on page 3 of this topic it's called "Brain chemistry and alcohol" there are some web sites listed, you may find these beneficial. I'm going to check them out now. If I see anything, I will post it to you. Talk with you shortly...sd

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