pregnant

[Guest]

pregnant

Re: sorry i've been gone! i've got news...

martian!~
thank you so much for your kind words. i'm touched that you missed me. i thought of you many times in my absence.

tonight i went to planned parenthood thinking they'd have some wisdom/reassurance for me and maybe some health insurance options (haven't had it for years how crazy i know but i make a teacher's salary at a private school what more need i say?!). anyway, they couldn't tell me anything because they don't do prenatal. i didn't get the reassurance that i was hoping for. so, it was especially was heartening to come home and read your note. argh, i'm doing that circling spinning thing, counting days, wondering about the egg implanting in relation to my strong buzz those two -no three- nights i had vodka, etc . my last (moderate) buzz was when i was three to five days late. please tell me, do you really think the babe will be okay?

there must be tons of women who don't know for much longer than it took me, women who drink a lot, and have perfectly heathy babies... don't our bodies know how to protect ourselves from ourselves??? please say yes! any extra encouragement is going to save my peace of mind. thank you in advance.

how funny that gym thing you mentioned. i'm trying -of all times- to get back INTO going, as i know the exercise will help the labor and my general well being. today, though, i was so pooped i came straight home to the couch where i lay for almost an hour. this stuff is exhausting! and i am sure the big NO about drinking will not wane. i feel so good having clarity and feeling whole and enjoying the most basic stuff again. ...not the least of which is dreaming about the life ahead of me. (Tell me again it'll be okay.)

i am truly flattered and honored and thrilled that i was missed. one more little bit of my self esteem you've helped me build right back up. yes, being away was me just indulging in a different way in my problem -- i wanted to not think about it so much, and just DO it (ie:b inge), true to addict form!!! i also didn't want to share my bummer with everyone (especially in light of my trying to get pregnant - the shame, the shame!). i was sick enough of having it in my head, let alone sharing it. (funny, i never mind reading about OTHER people's hardships. it's so easy to give myself a rough time.) anyway, now here i am in that tart pickle: i have what i've wanted for so so so long, and now i wonder if i've already messed it up. ...skipped record.

martian, how are you doing???

i wish you and every other reader the peace we all deserve.
i'll be back. thanks for all the support. xoxo onoclea

[Guest]

pregnant

Re: sorry i've been gone! i've got news...

Hi Onoclea,
So happy to read about your good news! Relax, rest and take care of yourself. You'll be fine! Worry is nonproductive and just causes stress. It's normal to feel exhausted during the first and last trimester. Don't push yourself to exercise if you aren't up to it. You'll probably regain your energy during the 2nd...I always did and was able to restart my fitness routine at that point. So, so happy! Can't wait to hear your updates. How is CS doing? Time for an update. Hope you are feeling well. Lots of love, Gina

[Guest]

pregnant

Re: sorry i've been gone! i've got news...

Hi Sylvia, Onoclea,
I"m in a rush right now but loved your posts.. and just thought I'd let you know Sylvia about the beer thing.. that's me too. I just got my bloodtests back and one thing I asked them to test for is systemic candida.. that is when you have a yeast infection in your intestines. The effect is that you have a nasty lil monster in your tummy screaming for yeast & sugar. That is why I only want beer or red wine.. other alcohol just doesn't do it for me.. only depresses me. The only time I ever got away from the craving was when I was on the Atkins diet.. and I honestly had absolutely NO cravings for beer or bread whatever after the first week. However later on when someone suggested I try their lovely expensive red... it started creeping back in.. the cravings for lovely sugar in the form of red wine.. so the sipping was still fine and it took months to return to fully blown drinking.
So this time I'm going to send you another informative link.. on this stuff. Maybe you can just put yourself on a diet Sylvia to help get rid of the cravings? Might work?
Just found this website.. haven't had time to look at it myself much yet.. but have a look:
www.ei-resource.org/anti-fungal.asp
I got to get to work right now..
Love to all,
MFM

[Guest]

pregnant

SYLVIA! ...and all

hello! sylvia, so sorry ... i don't know how but i seem to have missed your post that is right above my last!! argh! i would've responded more directly to what you said had i read it. i tell ya, this preggers thing sure leaves me kinda daft. i'm knockin things over, forgetting to upright the chicken waterer so they can't get their water, losing track of where i was headed, really basic stuff. so, nothing personal!

anywhoot, yes, me too, my strongest craving was always for beer. i loved the way it filled me up. as i've said before, that bubbly sugar-to-the-blood effect was irresistable. by the end i was drinking almost every day. (fortunately this was only for the last few weeks before becoming prego.) it truly amazed me the grip it had on me. before those final weeks, it was a gradual curve up -over the course of a year or so, from an almost-weekly binge to a few times a week, more or less. this, mind you, is after 13 or so years of on-and-off drinking patterns that never seemed quite as bad as they were in the "last days". in what i like to think was THE END, the urge did nothing but grow and rage stronger. i was smoking too, but usually only when i drank, usually from 3-8 cigarettes a sitting, depending on how much i drank, and often a bit of ganja to top it all off. (at the start of last year it was probably two oil cans -large fosters- most of the time. by the end i needed three, once in a while four.) when i drank vodka, which was fortunately seldom and often because i could hide it better, at first it was half a pint. at the end, a pint would do me. eek! i'm not a small woman, and my bloodline is drinkers, so maybe that explains how i could do it (partly).

ya know, i think martian has some great stuff to share. the candida thing makes so much sense, especially in light of the fact taht your craving seems to be strictly for beer. (oh, i also loved the full feeling it gave me. yum yum in my tum. didn't have to eat after some beer. much easier than cooking.)

i share my story cause i know how much comfort it can bring to know you're not alone, and not judged. (and cause you -sylvia- asked, which is perfectly fine. in fact, i think this is a great place to be free and express yourself. don't hold back. it's what we're for here, and here for, is how i see it.)

sylvia, i think you should stop beating on yourself, and trust that you'll be able to kick it. when you're pregnant, your body will not let you continue. you speak of not thinking you'll be able to cope. help yourself now by doing hwat you're doing, coming here, seeking solace and counsel and support. check into the nutrition thing. i believe that can be a HUGE part of the picture. be sure to eat! (it's hard to drink beer when you're full! maybe try the low-carb thing??) take your vitamins. could you consult an alternative healer who will help you get in balance? wish you were in my area, i have the perfect woman for you. maybe you'd benefit from looking into some acupuncture which is amazing for cravings, as is hypnosis. be proactive. get yourself some good movies and books and friends who don't drink. pepper them into your routine. know that they'll be there for you when you absolutely need them, when drinking is no longer an option. get to love these things now. (if you're like me, your drinking is in solitude; that was half the fun! thankfully, my switch to non-drinking has meant automatically that i get to be more social than i had been, a thing that i find so fulfilling.)

anyway, i think i've done enough preaching. believe me, i relate to what you're saying. i've only just crested the hill to where i can see another horizon; i am no expert. i'm just sharing what i know from my own very similar experience.

argh. i'd better run and correct those piles of homework that are a teacher's ever-present burden.

martian, umm, yes, thanks for the note about the gym! i decided today not to push it. for now, my body says come home and nap, so that's what i'm doing. maybe in a few whiles i'll have the energy to work out again. at the very least, i'm walking the dog and the goats.

thanks to all who gave me the congrats!! gina, jane, sorry if i forgot someone. thanks for being the place and people where i can write and write and write and know that you'll read it or skip it and it's all okay. we're in this together is how it seems.

blessed be.
xoxo onoclea

[Guest]

pregnant

Re: SYLVIA! ...and all

To Onoclea and Sylvia and CS...
I have not posted on this thread except on the first page when I first started out, in desperation for someone to join me in the chat room!! Wow.. things have changed since then.

But I have read all of this, and kept up. Can I just share my personal story, and leave it at that? I hope it will encourage you.

When I was 17, in the 11th, grade.. I found out my Mom had terminal cancer. (By the way, it is 19 years later, and my mom survived!) My Dad was an alcoholic, and a mean one at that. If she died, I was left with HIM. Anyhow, he was very militant... I was not allowed to date or take phone calls from boys without them first asking his permission to talk with me. (No, this was only 1986). Anyhow, I had a secret boyfriend who understood "perfectly" how my family was... I made it CLEAR during school hours. Well, to make a LOOOOONG story short, I began to sneak out at night, stuff my bed... ( I could give lessons at Michaels if they ever need a class on that..), and be back in bed in time for my alarm to go off, but pregnant.

How I made it through the 11th grade with no sleep and drunk and still maintined a B/C average, I will never know. How I didnt know I pregnant, I will never know. I was very skinny and didnt show for a long time. So I drank, and drank, and drank... get the picture????

Anyhow, I am NOT PROMOTING DRINKING WHILE PREGNANT!! However, I do think that one of you mentioned that how many deformed babies would we have in the world if every baby was warped due to the mother drinking before she knew she was pregnant? Once I knew, I quit. I did, I quit. I wasnt addicted at that point, I was actually HAPPY to get out of my house and get marrried. Anyhow, my son just turned 19, and is one of my best friends. I wish I could attach a picture because you would all go... "OH MY GOSH... He's so handsome....." He is 6'4" tall, and I looked at him two weeks ago on his birthday and thought, "My God... when I was his age, I was watching him takes his first steps, and he just has his first girlfriend! My point: He was born healthy, at NINE POUNDS, SIX OUNCES to a 110 pound MOM. Go FIGURE. Yes, I did have an episiotomy, but I recommend an epidural ladies!!

Dont fret over what is in the past, just dont drink anymore if you are pregnant. You will be okay!

Allie

[Guest]

pregnant

thanks allie

hey mamacita!
allie, thanks for your story. i feel very encouraged. sheesh. my new doula whoopee! also said not to worry. okay, you've all convinced me. thanks. i'm done with that fretting. i'm on to enjoy this ride.

sylvia, how're you doing?

xoxo onoclea

[Guest]

pregnant

Re: thanks allie

Great post Allie!, yeah I was gonna say Onoclea, sounds like everything's gonna be just fine. You seem to be in a wonderful place and should just ENJOY!! Make sure you get time to just BE and it will be one of life's most beautiful events. Even though times were tough for me in my first pregnancy, I still have wonderful memories of the sleeps I used to have with my baby in the afternoons and the bond that was growing between us was so clear and strong. (I started slowing down and going home early from work after about 3-4th month trimester so I could have those sleeps)
You are gonna love it!
Hey Sylvia, hope you're feeling a little happier after reading the posts. Stay with us, won't you.
Love MFM

[Guest]

pregnant

Re: thanks allie

Onoclea - I am so excited for you!!! I haven't been on the boards for awhile, but read this one. CONGRATULATIONS!!! I know you will be a great mom. Enjoy every moment. It's such a precious time. Keep us posted!!!!

Jane.

[Guest]

pregnant

Motherhood

Hey Sylvia & Onoclea,
I had to share this with you.. after all the times I have beat myself up and felt huge grief over my drinking and what it has done to my ability to be a good mother, both during and after my pregnancies... somehow I managed to keep myself in line while I was pregnant and breastfeeding and not drink to excess.. But it's been more & more difficult since they've grown and started yelling at me!! Sometimes I just give in to dispair and think I must be a terrible mother for them to behave that way.. plus their fathers left me ages ago.
But!! Today I farewelled one of the ladies who has cared for them after school while I was working.. she left me a note which said...
" I have had a wonderful time caring for your children. Thank you for the opportunity to let me use my skills to build on your children's learning and personalities. You have awesome children. I have enjoyed every minute of time I have spent with them. Keep doing such a wonderful job raising them."
I have to say I cried.
And it makes me wonder.. if the whole 'shame', 'remorse', 'regret', and 'feeling sorry for myself' thing isn't just part of the brain chemistry of drinking? A 'morning after' thing?
Maybe I am not such a bad mother after all.
Maybe my kids are just fine.
Maybe I should take better care of myself & stop beating myself up?
Just a message from someone who has been there and somehow might have done OK.
Hope you both will take it easy on yourselves.
Love
MFM

[Guest]

pregnant

Hi all ? have been having computer trouble, so haven?t been able to log on for a couple of days. Allie, thank you for your story, it really made me feel better and your son sounds great. I have a similar story actually (in fact, remarkabley similar, right down to the sneaking out of the house at night) when I was 16 ? told my parents and just devastated my poor dad. It turned out I was not pregnant after all. It?s very strange to think that if I had been, I would now have a child in high school!

MFM, I think you?re right about what you said ? so much of the shame, remorse, etcetera that we feel is perhaps just a positive drive to do well that has gone haywire. I am absolutely sure, just from the care of your posts and the way you welcome people and remember names, that you are a wonderful mother indeed. I am quite sure of that. We drinkers tend to judge ourselves by extremely harsh standards, and yet we also feel so much compassion for others. If only we could show ourselves the same compassion every once in a while!

Well I am going to test for pregnancy on Sunday. I am very, very nervous. Not sure if I?m ready for the answer either way?

Onclea, CS ? how are you two doing?

Have a great weekend everyone! (best of all, a weekend that can be remembered in full on Monday!)

[Guest]

pregnant

hi all!

Sylvia- good luck. may you feel solid and strong when you find your news on sunday. please let us know.

Martian- great job raising your kids, sounds like! yes, we drinkers are so good at reaming ourselves out. must stop it, look at the good we do/are.

Jane- thanks for checkin in and for the congrats.

I'm feeling quite well, thank you. i tellya, this pregnancy thing suits me just fine. i'm a little shy to admit that it does seem to be the elixir i was wishing for. cravings are all gone (well, i mean the cravings for alcohol and tobacco). now my worst sins are occasional white flour and sugar. i feel so blessed. and i'm getting so much more done. including more napping!

Tis good to read all of your posts. Be well.
Onoclea

[Guest]

pregnant

Re: hi all!

Yey Silvia,
Good luck for your test, I'm sure you'l be just great whatever the results.. Just have some more faith in yourself & you'll be fine.
Glad to hear you're happy Onoclea..
Love to all
MFM

[Guest]

pregnant

Re: hi all!

Well, the test was negative. Again. I don't know if I'm more relieved or more sad. Both I guess.

I'd like a very objective opinion, this is a little off-topic. On the one hand, I'm relieved that it was negative because I have just now (since meeting you fine people) started to get the drinking somewhat under control, so I feel as though I will be in a healthier place when it's time to try again.

On the other hand, my other big worry the age at which I'm trying to start a family here. CS I hope you don't think I'm a huge jerk because I realize you are older than I - and I apologize if I sound like an idiot. It's not that I think I can't get pregnant now, it's just that I do want to have more than one baby and I am getting so much pressure from all sides that "I'd better start soon" "it's getting too late hon" -- all of these things. Sheesh, I am trying! I sort of feel like a personal failure that I can't just snap my fingers and get pregnant!

Anyway, just random babbling. CS I am so glad that the pregnancy is agreeing with you. Perhaps I will be joining you next month...

[Guest]

pregnant

Re: hi all!

Hey Sylvia,
don't feel bad.. it took me about 4 years to fall pregnant!
Don't be dismayed, it happened finally once I'd given up and forgot all about it!! :eek
So it's my theory that worrying is the problem.
Just have some fun.. and be kind to yourself.. and if possible, stop thinking about it.. sure it will happen at the right time.
Take some comfort in the fact that makin babies is nice work if you can get it :rollin
So enjoy sweetie!
Love
MFM

[Guest]

pregnant

Re: hi all!

Dear everyone,
Sorry I have not posted in awhile. I have been reading when I can but also been pretty busy. Also moody and crabby (honesty forum here); not sure if it's pregnancy hormones or job angst. Probably both. I have to make this short for now, but wanted to let you all know I'm fine. We found out results of genetic testing and the baby has no chromosomal problems, and it's a boy. We were hoping for a girl, and then I was upset for having the "wrong" reaction.

We started telling people finally about a week and half ago (after the test). I felt so nervous calling my mom, my sister....why should I feel this way when it's good news? I felt like I needed a beer in order to shake the jitters...and I really haven't been drinking (one here or there, but the desire crept up, and I didn't like that).

I promise to post more thoughts and feelings soon. I appreciate people asking how I have been doing. I guess part of it is that I thought I would gain some clarity once I cut way down on drinking, and I still feel just as befuddled as ever -- if not much more so, because of the unknown territory of the baby.

Hope Onoclea and Sylvia, as well as all of you, are doing well.

CS