Feeling alone

[rapala]

Feeling alone

Feeling alone? I'll bet if you accounted for all the the people who care about you ,,, you would be amazed...

[nancy]

Feeling alone

I think the problems of low self-esteem, high self demands, depression and alcoholism are all inter-connected.

I don't know if this is the case with you... but sometimes people take all the load upon themselves and feel overwhelmed. Sure your husband is contributing to this view, but how much of it is your own view about yourself, that you should be doing everything and feel inadequate? I don't know you so I am just asking. There have been times when I felt overwhelmed and someone asked me this question and suddenly, the whole mess cleared up and I could see I had assumed it was all my burden and didn't ask for enough help.

Kate is 100% right. You need a schedule where people all contribute to the household chores.

And of course you know drinking is going to really contribute to your depression, both from a physical point of view as well as your mental outlook because it causes deterioration of your relationships.

The good news in all this is that your role in this can make a change. You are not helpless in this situation.

Find out how you feel about yourself and don't let your husband views or perceptions about his views cloud your own thinking about yourself.

Also, regarding omega 3s... I have read good things about this too but some products are better than others and the dose may need to be the right one to help with depression. I advise reading The Omega 3 Connection, by Andrew Stoll to get educated on this. Of course he makes his own product that is the same as levels used in trials to help with bipolar. But he also has a list of products that are high quality and which you can buy cheaply in stores, including Trader Joes.

[livingfree]

Feeling alone

love to you

Lots of good advice here for you Keeta so I just want to give you a great big HUG. :l
Love to you sweetie - take care
Liv

[tea]

Feeling alone

Hi Keeta, hope you are feeling a bit better now, nothing to add to the above just that yes I have been there too, that horrible black hole where you feel that nothing matters, not you, your family, your home - nothing. Keeta this WILL pass but you have to help yourself to climb out of that hole. Positive thoughts Keeta, you ARE so worth more than this, drinking does not help you, the bottle is not your friend, you deserve to NOT drink and all that that brings. Sending you a shed load of positivity to surround you with. On a lighter note - send hubby to Lushy who will certainly bitch slap him for you!

Lxx

[Miming]

Feeling alone

Hi Keeta,
I'm going through w/ the same loneliness everyday. I live alone, my husband is overseas. He comes home once a year. I used to drown myself drinking wine everyday, and getting drank just to escape the boredom and loneliness I go through each day. I wake up the next day still feeling bad. I have stopped drinking for ten months now and dealing w/ my situation as much as I can, minus the alcohol. I never seek any doctor's help and most of the time I feel depressed. Reading most of the members posts has helped me understand and appreciate things around me. I am learning to count my blessings now and doing the best I can to change myself for the better. Good luck to you.

[Suzanna]

Feeling alone

Hi Keeta, everybody here has lots of good advice so I can only add that I understand and want to send hugs to you. :l
Suz

[Maybesomeday]

Feeling alone

Hi Keeta, one of the best things you just said is that you don't want to function this way anymore. That you don't want to continue to feel helpless. Just you knowing that inside is a hugely important thing. Some people go through life never knowing it, or caring. You care, you want to do better than what you are doing now. Thats special. You have to ask yourself, do you value yourself enough to let another day go buy of feeling helpless. I'm sure you don't. One thing that always works for me is to read anthing I can get my hands on. The first few things you read may not click with you but if you keep looking you will definately find something that truly speaks to you and inspires you. Please try it.

[greeneyes]

Feeling alone

Keeta, I wish I had saome sage words of advice. I just have a hug for you. And a fly swatter for pesky critters.

[betty boop]

Feeling alone

Keeta, I only just spotted this ........

I never really 'met' you here till you were supporting luvuall last week ...

I know that you are a lovely person with a lot of love to give ........ so do yourself a favour and love yourself ........ Take some time out for YOU ....

BB xx

[cowgal]

Feeling alone

hope

I hope you get through this, you have alot of people here (me included) who care about you..............you will be in my thoughts, and prayers..................

love you,:h:l

MA

[KAT20]

Feeling alone

Keeta, With your post and everyone else I felt very emotional. Sorry guys, (men) but us gals have to wear so many hats in todays world. Any yes, alot of the stress we put on ourselves to try and make everything perfect. Do ya think June Cleaver drank ? Probably not, she had just one job, the house and family. All I can say is love yourself first in life and that can make some other decisions easier. Such as whats worth worring about and what if any BS your willing to put up with. Someone earlier said get your hands on anything to read, I agree, and ask for help. If one person (doctor or therapist) does'nt fit keep trying. This is for you and your worth it !

[keeta]

Feeling alone

Thank you ALL

Good morning, all.

I sort of feel better this morning. Although I spent the majority of the time reading all your posts sobbing. Some I think stemming from self pity, but some feeling not so alone.
Ughh....I don't know.

Kate, I do need to recruit family help. The problem is, they all look at me like I have grown three heads when I do. Like somehow I am asking them something unimaginable. A common response..."I didn't make that mess". My reply is usually, "If I only cleaned the messes I made, you all would live in utter filth". Of course, it is complete chaos here as it is, and it seems to be getting worse. I can't seem to get on top of it. I look at the mess, and get overwhelmed. THAT is a bad cycle. That and my drinking have gotten me exactly right here.

Fallen, I think it may be a mix of both. Same shit different day, and my depression, and feeling so alone and unsupported. These combined seem to push me into a wave of self pity. I become resentful, angry, and pretty much unpleasant and unproductive.BAD combination.

BHOG, thank you for responding. I wish I could say my depression, or whatever the hell my problem seems to be, stemmed from stopping drinking. Unfortunately I have not. But I DO want to. I feel utterly out of control in my drdinking. I feel like a train wreck waiting to happen. Definately time to switch tracks!

dexterkitty..thank you honey..I have tried talking to hubby. He is the kind of person who doesn't put any merrit into to mental illness, depression, etc. Discussing feelings with him is impossible. If I can get him to listen, I know it is only to humour me. He never has a response other than, "Why can't you just BE happy". Well, shit, if I could, does he not think I would? Like being sad/unhappy, etc, would be my first choice. Er....NOT! Maybe I do need to find someone to talk to, therapy wise. Oh, and according to hubby everything IS my fault. Last week he called me a waste of life. That really made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thank you for the dancing kitty...I do love it!

Zen and elsie...thank you for posting your support. Every post, every prayer, every hug, helps.

janie...hey girl! Yes, I will be 40 in September. I do notice a hormonal change, and have had hot flashes on and off. I know this isn't helping matters for sure. I am SO glad to hear you were able to turn it around and take back some control. I want so badly to get a grip on this before I add to my many regrets.

Aysha...I am glad you have found some motivation...a reason to move forward in a positive way. It sounds like a great plan. I live in a tiny place that has nothing like that...but I think if I can find *something* to give me purpose, maybe, just maybe I can move forward! Big hugs to you...you go girl!

greenhouse, thank you for your support!

stayingsober...thank you also! and I have been reading your posts...you are doing SO well! Good for you!!!!!

Finding My Self....I know you are going through some VERY tough stuff of your own lately, so thank YOU for finding your huge heart and coming to support me. I do believe in imagary and positive affirmations. I really need to get my ass out of this bad place and get back on track. *big hugs to you* You are often in my thoughts, and I hope you are doing OK.

Thankful...THANK YOU.
Sadly, my husband doesn't *believe* in depression, or meds...or....In the beginning, I would cry alot...he would leave the room...pretend it wasn't happening. When I tried talking to him, he would look like a deer caught in the headlights. For a long time now, I no longer cry...Sadly this builds resentment and anger. I read a quote once, I don't recall where, "resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die". It is true. I am tired of poisoning myself. With anger, resentment, and yes, alcohol. You are 100% correct that drinking doesn't help. I use it to check out. Completely. Drink to utter blackout. I think it is my chicken shit way of not killing myself, if that makes sense. (I do know I am killing myself with booze, and I am not suicidal, so please don't panic...I just think it has become *my* alternative...and it is NOT working)

poohbear...oh boy do I ever know where you are coming from. We have six kids...4 his from two marriages...me two girls. We have been together 7 years...but only married a short time (last year, and my first) I feel the need to always "keep it together", and when I see myself failing to do so, I totally, mentally shit on myself.:upset: Also, I agree with using my faults to project his feelings back onto me. Because to hear him tell it, he is perfect, and I am a perfect f*@k up. blah. Same goes for you, miss pooh...if you ever want to talk, feel free to pm me. Though, like you say, our feelings are our own...sometimes empathy from dealing with a similar situation, even beyond the alcohol, can be a good thing. *hugs*

steer64...I definately do NOT want to be a parent who will totally mess up her kids. (and I can imagine it has already begun to happen...in fact I am sure of it) I want to turn it around before it is too late...so they see a mom who overcame it all, and moved forward.

rapala...just the wonderful support here surprises me, and it is heartwarming.

nancy....oh boy, does your first sentence hit right home. My self esteem is nil. I don't know when it started or what the root cause is, but I have never felt good enough...period. Perhaps this is why I DO feel the need to be so self demanding...atleast if I fail here, here and here, I can be a good...house keeper (nope, not any more) cook (yes), whatever. In most things I am failing now, due to depression and alcohol. I am setting myself up for failure and I HAVE TO STOP IT, before it is too late...before it becomes a self fulfulling prophecy. I do take Omega 3...and calcium, magnesium...still waiting on the Kudzu, take L-Glut, and a multi vit, plus a B complex....Milk Thistle for my poor abused liver..I am also on anti depressants...Effexor...I want off them big time...I don't know why...but I feel they are not helping, or making things worse...I don't know if I have chosen them as a scape goat, but I need to prove one way or the other, that this med isn't working or I need something different...I often feel like an utter fuck up, and wish there was some magic pill I could take to be normal (my version of normal...not drinking, more energy...better wife, better mom, better person)I know I hold the reigns on this...I AM controlling this downward spiral...I need to stop it...I just feel so damn out of control. What a fricking catch 22...the one in control is OUT of control!

living...thank you for posting your support and hug. I will take all of those I can get! A big loving hug right back to YOU!

tea....yes indeed, I am in that damn black hole. I know my drinking is a huge contributing factor. I need to get off this damn ride, it isn't fun any more. (kinda like those tea cups that spin around...fun at first, but after a while you feel like puking) Thank you for the shed load of positivity...I will attempt to replace that with all my negative BS and burn it down!

Miming...your post stopped me in my tracks a bit...mostly because you DON'T have your hubby home, and I do (though there are days I wish I could send mine some where...hell, or something like that, I feel your heart ache at not having yours home) I am so sorry to hear you are struggling.GOOD for you for having stopped drinking for ten months. What an amazingly strong person you are! Though I am a mess personally, if you are still depressed and not drinking, maybe you should see a Dr???? much love and hugs to you, and I pray your hubby comes home soon!

Suzanna...thank you so much for the hugs. I send loving hugs right back to YOU!

Maybesomeday...yes...I do want to change. BADLY Thank you for your support and thoughts. They mean so much!

Greenie...I will take that hug, and the swatter! Thanks hun!...big hugs right back at you!

Miss Boop....ahhh....thank you...if only self love were as easy as the caring we project to others. If only we could be as understanding of our own flaws and failures as we are of others. What you speak IS SO TRUE. Now just to learn to apply it! argh!

KAT...I agree...nothing personal to men, but I see most women juggling all this crap...work, kids, household upkeep, bills, cleaning...running the show...they go to work, come home, and wonder where dinner is! Or why the floor isn't mopped or why...add chore here...isn't done. Argh. I do need to read...uplifting, guiding, organising, self esteem boosting books. Get my sorry butt BACK ON TRACK! Therapy is a small possiblity because of our locale, and isolation.

I know there are people here today also that need TONS of support....LUV you are in my thoughts...honey don't give up! PLEASE...
Finding My Self...you are in my thoughts and prayers...
jacqui...I hope you are doing ok too.

It has taken me a bit to write this...I am sorry this post was so long.I just wanted to address everyone who took the time to send me support!

love and hugs.
K

[keeta]

Feeling alone

sorry cowgirl

cowgirl...thank you too for your love and support. This place is amazing!

love and hugs,
K

[Accountable for Me]

Feeling alone

keeta - besides the family, chores and maintaining the things on the homefront, do you have anything in your life just for 'you?' Do you have a good friend to go out for lunch with, or to just hang out with?

In my City, I don't have any close friends. Actually none for that matter. My whole life revolves around my job, and home life. It really leaves me with a sense of loneliness, and feeling like I have to take everything on myself because I have that void to fill. The something for myself void. There is never a day or evening I am not catering to my family or without my child. I know this is unhealthy and it leads to being lonely. I use to have a few drinks, and things would 'magically' be just fine. I didn't care for much else besides taking care of my family, and of course my drinking.

Once I gave up the booze, or was in the process of giving it up, I discovered something about myself. Man, was I one LONELY woman! Feeling totally unappreciated, unfulfilled to some degree, resentful, etc. Because I had portrayed I was this super woman and did everything before, my family expects it from me now. I had totally set myself up for this, and changing myself means changing them.

So now, I am lonely, frustrated and resentful. Thinking of you, keeta.

[keeta]

Feeling alone

Accountable,
Oh, honey I am so there with you. I have no friends...I thought (past tense) my husband was my best friend. We used to be so close. When I started failing at what "he expected of me" for my own reasons...alcohol, etc...He became judgemental, I became a failure and resentful.

Why do we think we can/need to do it all. We DO set our seleves up for this, I agree....SO...how do we get out?

I am like you...lonely, frustrated and resentful. Add to this I am still drinking and it is a mess.

I am thinking of you too, AFM...and sending tons of hugs, and support.

Let's find a way out of this mess we created...together.
We can...we are worth it!

love and hugs,
K