My current story

[sailor girl]

First, I would like to say "Thank You" to everyone that has posted on this website. I have been reading everyone's comments for the last 6 days.

My story starts about 15 years ago and goes off/on until today. What brought me here was my last bad experience:

After an extrememly drunk night, I successfully woke up, dodged my daughters disgusted eyes and tried to impress my husband with the fact that I was OK to go to work (torture when you commute together.) Knowing my whole family is disgusted with me, I get to work, go to the bathroom to throw up. I am sitting at my desk, altoid in my mouth, trying not to cry, and thinking of something to say when everyone asks if I am sick.

I don't remember much of the night before after 4 glasses of wine, 2 shots of Makers Mark, and 1 beer. I do know that after 2 glasses of wine, I wouldn't have drank the whiskey or the beer.....Why can't I stop at this point??????? What I do vaguely remember is going to a neighbors house, drinking beer from wine glasses (cuz we're so cool) and telling her things about a mutual acquaintence that I had no business repeating. I remember my husband knocking on the door and then the last thing I remember is waking up (dressed thankfully) on my middle daughter's floor with a blanket on me. Why was I there and how did I get there???????????

Back to sitting at my desk. At this point, I really hate myself, I feel soo guilty and I really don't know how I am going to make it through this day. So I google AA to get meetings and times. We just moved back to the area. By pure luck I found this site. I downloaded the book, read half of it and alot of the discussions. I ordered one of the supp packs. i wanted the big one but I don't want my husband to know. He'll just say it would free if I would just stop. Anyway, I made an appointment with my doctor but also ordered Topa from the online pharmacy (which was good because my doctor doesn't fell comfortable prescribing the Topa so he is referring me to Psych). Now that part is frustrating because when we lived in Guam, I went to a Psychiatrist for depression and they put me on Topomax. I didn't think anything about it working with alcohol and when we moved, my husband tossed it. I really wish I had it now.

So it has been a week since my last really bad night. I have been going between AF and just a couple. I haven't got drunk but that doesn't mean anything, sooner or later I'll forget how desperate I was and I'll start slowly dring myself back to that.

Between the website and GNC, I have everything except the All One and Topomax. For some reason I am scared to start a serious committment until I have everything, which means another week until the Topa gets here. I guess I think the more armour I have, the better are my chances of not drinking. I am trying to feel positive about it working but I have failed soooooooooo many times.[/i][/i]

[down2earth]

My current story

you are describing me and my behavior to the T! I have been having really rough weekends lately! I won't drink at all during the week, but by the time it's Friday, I think that I have proved it to myself that I am not a drunk. All these feelings I am having right now are a distant memory, and I go over the the liquor store buy a supply for the weekend. I will drink ALL day long, until I run out of AL, then I just feel depressed and mad at myself! I swear to myself the next weekend I will be AF, then Friday gets here and it's my sad story all over again.

It was also by chance I found this site, but thank god I did, the loneliness can be combated here. My hangovers have been getting worse and worse, and now it is affecting my job, I called in sick to work today, but I just stayed on reading posts basically all day. That is in between my cold-sweats and gagging fits. I can't even throw up anymore, because there is nothing left in my tummy!! Good luck in your goal to be AF, we are all here for you!!

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

My current story

Welcome, Sailor Girl.... it's unfortunate that we meet under "these circumstances", but when I read your post, I thought that I could have written it for you.... :l

I was scared to stop drinking, too, but for reasons different than what you've listed.... I was afraid that if I stopped drinking, everything in my comfort zone would change, and who knows if the changes would be for the better? I mean, if you and your friend/neighbor currently chill out together while having a couple of cocktails.... what will the new You do when you don't drink anymore? All of the laughs and giggles and sharing of secrets- will that change? Will you lose this friend?

Well Sailor Girl, my guess is if you stop drinking, things will change. Perhaps you and your friend will realize that the only thing you have in common is Miller High Life (the champagne of beer!).... :toasted:

.... conversely, maybe you and your friend will find an alternative activity, like a quick trip to Starbucks for a Mocha Latte.... or a gym membership at the YMCA....

If you need a serious commitment, there is a reason to start now- your daughter. You said something about the sadness/disgust you saw in her eyes. If you stop drinking, you'll see skepticism at first, followed shortly by hope, and then by admiration. That's the part of change that is priceless.
That's the part of my journey that has made being alcohol free worth it.

Stay close by, Sailor Girl. Many of us have been in your shoes, and if you look in your closet, you may be missing a pair or two! :dancin:

[sally114]

My current story

The one thing I love about this site is that I realised that I am not alone in feeling all the things that you describe - my first post was almost word for word like yours and whilst I haven't been AF in a while but come back to reasure myself that it can be done and that I can stop blaming myself (its a chemical thing after all) and get on with dealing with the causes. I found that doing things to distract me helps especially at the danger times and check out the hypno tapes they can really help

[nancy]

My current story

Hi Sailor Girl and Welcome to the website...

Sounds like you are fed up with this lifestyle and your acccount of your commute to work and your feelings during the day are surely ones people here can relate to. Don't feel ashamed about it.

I think one of our members, callled My Own Woman wrote another thread about how she always equated ability to have a drink with freedom, when the reality is that alcohol takes her freedom away. That's a struggle we all go through and the most successful are the ones who willingly choose to give alcohol up rather than viewing it as a deprivation thing.

So past attempts might not have been successful for you but there is always room for things to change. maybe you are ready now?

Take care and good luck,
Nancy

[sailor girl]

My current story

Thanks for the words of encouragement!!!!! It always amazes me that there are people out there that feel the same way I do. It also amazes me how extremely talanted we are at hiding it.

Down to Earth - I do the same thing. I drink, drink, drink and then I feel depressed. What I want is to sit on the couch, drink my wine and watch TV but I can't because I have to sneak it and either drink it when no one is looking or put it in a different cup. I don't really even enjoy the buzz because I have to concentrate really hard on speaking clearly so no one suspects anything. I mean....Come On! Does this sound relaxing and fun?

Happy Life - I am also afraid to make a committment because people will treat me differently. I went to a treatment center 2 years ago and when I got back I felt really positive and motivated. People looked at me different. I didn't get invited to events; my neighborhood is very clicky (I don't feel like I fit in AT ALL unless I am drinking). One of my older daughter's friends was not allowed to stay all night and my daughter was devastated. How do I explain that? So I know that when I stop altogether, I need to understand that my social life will change dramatically.

Sally114 - My danger time is when I make dinner. I love to cook and I love to drink wine while I do it. How do I prevent this from happening? I got the CD about drinking moderately in social events. Is that enough or do I need to get the whole set?

Nancy - I do feel that AL has this sort of hold on me that I can't seem to get out of. I really can't wait for the Topa to get here so I can start.

[bald headed old guy]

My current story

Sailor Girl,
Welcome, and as you have found out, there are a LOT of us who are or have been in your place. You CAN do this, you CAN do it for your children, your husband, but most importantly, you CAN do this for YOU! The look in your daughter's eyes and how you feel on your commute to work and at work will not change unless YOU make the decision to change. From what I am reading in your posts, you are ready to make the change. It may not be very easy, you might have to make some social adjustments that will be uncomfortable at first..but you CAN do this.
On a much more positive side, it is a lot better and certainly less frightening to wake up in the morning without a hangover or the terrible experince you recently had. It is a lot nicer to go to bed, wake up and remember everything you said and did the night before!
You sent a reply that included one about making dinner and prefering to have a glass of wine when you did that. I also enjoy cooking, and until I started this journey had a glass of wine in my hand. The solution, reccommended to me by one of the "long-time" members, was to use cranberry juice with soda as a substitute. It works! I'm still cooking, still enjoying it, but no wine! (Wine is my big love affair with alcohol.) So there is my suggestin for you.
There is a "March Madness' thread on here that LivingFree has created, it has sticky notes for each day, they are a big help to me in staying AF this month! You might look it up, if you have not already done so!
Ok, enough of my rambling!
Stay Strong!
BHOG

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

My current story

Sailor~

My first challenge with non-drinking was with my co-workers- unfortunately, I don't live in a close-knit community, so few of my neighbors socialize/click. I went to our National Sales Meeting in January- two months being AF. I didn't make any major announcement that I wasn't drinking, and surprise, surprise, the world continued to evolve ! Nope, the VP didn't announce that Patty finally came to her senses and wouldn't be the company embarrassment this year.... ?!?! Seriously, the four days was very enlightening for me, as a non-drinker hanging around drinkers.

Several people noticed that I wasn't drinking, and asked me why (I said I was being a good girl and on a diet). Truthfully, the responses helped me understand our "friendships":
1. Some friends said, "Good for you, girl!" and gave me a big hug. True acceptance of me as a person.
2. Some people made comments like, "What's wrong with you? Just have a drink and suck it up!" ... Obviously, not the reaction I expected from some people, and made me wonder about the value of our friendship.
3. Some people? I don't remember what they said, and truthfully, their opinions aren't important to my success or failure.... they are the peripheral friends on the edge of my social circle, and while I may have been the talk of their gossip the year before, I provided no fodder for next year's meeting.... I do remember one jerk saying, "you're no fun anymore!" as he stumbled off the elevator and ping-ponged down the hall to his room....

In my experience, most people really didn't notice if I was or was not drinking alcohol; however, I think they notice if you are a bumbling idiot (me ) or if you start preaching the benefits of sobriety to anyone touching a can of beer...

Last weekend, I was at an all day car race, and sober... The behavior of really drunk people ranges from funny to pathetic, and I couldn't stop thinking about how I've unknowingly behaved like the drunken fool.... another wake up call for me, Sailor.

Finally, let me get this straight: because your daughter's parents realized your were (assumingly successful) released from a treatment center, they refused to let their daughter stay over? Umm, in my opinion, that is NOT a reflection on you, but it speaks volumes about them! Now, if you told me that you were driving their kids around and were arrested for a DUI, that would be one story, but you were brave enough to go to a treatment center and get help.... and then they criticize you for it?

Good thing they didn't come to my house on one of my HAPPY HOUR Friday nights, when I was a happy, stumbling drunk role model for their daughter!!! Trust me, Sailor, some of my daughter's friends have seen me wasted, and in retrospect, I am humiliated.

Alcohol will have a hold on you for a while, even when you aren't drinking. The thought of a "wonderful" glass of Merlot will haunt you for several weeks, in my experience. My trick is to drink cranberry juice with sparkling water in my fancy glass, so that I can still enjoy the cooking experience without feeling cheated. Or defeated.

There are plenty of good things around the corner, Sailor Girl.... the deep sleep... the crazy, sexy dreams.... the waking up in the morning without dead raisin breath from killing too many grapes.... the morning alertness when YOU wake your daughter up and she's wondering how come you woke up before her?!? Plenty of little joys, Sailor~ definitely worth the cruise :l!
Much love, :heart:

[sailor girl]

My current story

WOW!!!! Good Advice. I don't know why I think I have to make my decision public knowledge. People will definitely look at me odd when I say "no thanks" or maybe it is just my paranoia thinking that. The wine definitely does haunt me. I'll tell you one of the biggest reasons why it is hard to quit is because I find life just plain boring without drinking. Is that crazy?

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

My current story

"...one of the biggest reasons why it is hard to quit is because I find life just plain boring without drinking. Is that crazy?"

NOPE, not crazy at all- a nice glass of wine "takes the edge off" a stressful day, helps me unwind, lets me forget about the silly stressful moments.... when the kids start fighting, I don't over-react and everything is in such a nice, mellow state.

Which is my problem, because one "nice glass" becomes "one little bottle"....

You'll have to discover this on your own, Sailor Girl... I've found that life isn't boring without drinking, but I too was afraid it would be (my other fear was: what if I'm sober and my husband continues to drink... and we discover that we don't like each other anymore? ) .... luckily, life is still fun and we are closer than we've ever been in 15 years. Instead of trying to water ski with crutches under my arms, I'm learning to love skiing the real way.... :l

[LVT25]

My current story

Well, the seed has been planted Sailorgirl....Look at all the great advice and support you have on your first post!! You can do this One day at a time. Good luck!:welcome:

[livingfree]

My current story

Great Advice here

[QUOTE=Not Happy Hour-Happy Life;293517][COLOR=Blue][B]Sailor~

In my experience, most people really didn't notice if I was or was not drinking alcohol; however, I think they notice if you are a bumbling idiot (me ) or if you start preaching the benefits of sobriety to anyone touching a can of beer... Patti

See Sailorgirl - one of the keys is to fill your journey with the wisdom of those who have walked the path just ahead of you. This one is worth following around - Thank you Patti - This is another "keeper". Sailorgirl - your on your way to beautiful sunrises and sunsets

Liv

[universal]

My current story

I do the same thing. I drink, drink, drink and then I feel depressed. What I want is to sit on the couch, drink my wine and watch TV but I can't because I have to sneak it and either drink it when no one is looking or put it in a different cup. I don't really even enjoy the buzz because I have to concentrate really hard on speaking clearly so no one suspects anything. I mean....Come On! Does this sound relaxing and fun?



Boy, does that sound familiar......I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago that said basically why do we do this, cause it's fun? Cause it's not fun!

Sailor girl, welcome, you are not alone - glad you found us.

[sailor girl]

My current story

I really want to start AF but I CAN"T until I have everything. I have attempted to stop in the past and felt like a complete failure when I couldn't do it. I feel like if I have everything I am supposed to have, my chances are soo much better (do I really feel that or do I just not want to make a commitment?) I am waiting on my Topa (which I had to order online because my doctor didn't feel comfortable prescribing it, so she set me up with Psych, but I can't wait that long) and my All One. Once I have everything I am going to GO FOR IT!

[Noelle]

My current story

Hi Sailor Girl!! Just keep the promise to yourself that you will quit when you get all the stuff you ordered....don't let it slide. That's soooooooo easy to do. Good luck!