ODAT - Monday

[Bessie]

Morning all. Hope everyone is well and sparky this morning.

Can't say I am but just logging on here is a good thing to do. Still struggling with Al and thinking of upping my game now to try Topamax or Campral because willpower and ad hoc supplements aren't hacking it. Damn damn. I have had some easy, good days but this patch is a sticky one. Think it is the stress - nothing big and loads of you are dealing with worse but it's lots of little things that add up. Not at all sure what today will hold as we are meant to be having MORE bl@@dy visitors, (foreign ones with kids) the holiday let still needs lots of work that can't be done because of the weather, there's an inch or so of snow, the piglet has developed joint ill now and decision time is approaching over keeping her going or not. On top of that I feel like pants from last night's overindulgence and poor sleep. Listen to me. Whiney or what!? Trying to muster some inner strength and determination but it's like turning the key to start an engine that just doesn't want to fire up.

Some arse kicking from anyone who feels like it would help. Or some wise words, advice and general support. Thanks in advance. :h

Bessie xx

(Who has just discovered she is down to her last tea bag - now that really is STRESS!! :H)

[tea]

ODAT - Monday

Morning Bess, wet the bed this morn? :blush:...

Honest I could have written what you wrote today, am feeling very similar... struggling like fe*k here but no alco in house so going to get through the day - one minute at a time :H - not funny I KNOW but hey I know you know.

Trying to think of today as the first of Spring and the new non craving alcy me will begin afresh, and on we go huh.

Bright day here this morn, snow on ground but at least the sun's out so that might cheer me up a bitty. Big kick up bum to you knowing you will kick mine right back :l.

Have a great day odaters - or omaters as me and Bess today.

Lx

[Last Of The Summer Wine]

ODAT - Monday

Good morning girls. I was up bright and early - before 8:00 on a Bank Holiday Monday - things are certainly changing for me! Down to the last teabag now I agree that is stress, Bess!! Hope today gets better for you - I am starting my Spring cleaning today and it's not just my house that will see the benefit, I hope.

Keep on trying, that's all we can do, folks - take care:l
J

[Bessie]

ODAT - Monday

Ok - sorry about the first post. Negative and indulgent and should have been under a separate thread entitled "O woe is me" rather than hijacking the ODAT thread.

I have been trying the key over and over and finally the engine has fired. It's not running quite on all 4 cylinders but it is ticking over. Hot shower, body butter (it's the biz for feeling all clean, soft and sweet smelling), clean clothes (this might be normal for most people but I am ashamed to say I often put on yesterdays as I know I have got to go straight out and get grubby again! :blush and out to do the animals and I feel a lot better. My darling horsey gave me a good sniffing and the pigs (apart from the poorly one) are looking healthy and happy. My attitude is better. My smell is better!! Just cooked up a big bowl of porridge and am going to steadily work through the day without getting stressed (and get some more tea bags!!)

Tea - I'm normally up early!! I just don't always post early! Let's keep ticking off those minutes, though I don't feel the real challenge until the evening. And my boot is inches from your backside so make sure you don't give me the chance to plant a kick!

Go LOTSW with your spring cleaning. It's thick snow here so more like Christmas. I'll be saving my spring cleaning until it feels like spring!

Everyone else, have a great day ODAT, OHAT or even OMAT - whatever it takes you.

Bessie xx

[greeneyes]

ODAT - Monday

Morning all.

I have a difficult day ahead of me and even though I am up early (anxiety related), I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not usually like this so I thik I'll be quiet. :anon:

Maybe I'll feel better if I kick Bessie's and Tea's arse. :b&d: I'm afraid they will have to return the favor, though.

Have a good day

[Cinders]

ODAT - Monday

Good Morning ODATers (OMATers, OSATers),

Boy do I know how you are all feeling!! I stopped, started, sputtered, went for some good AF runs, ended up binging instead of everyday drinking. Then started every day binging.

Checked into rehab in Nov, was thrilled and excited after two weeks of sobriety and all the AA stuff they put into my head and was back on the road traveling two weeks later. Made it about another two weeks before I crashed and burned.

Back on the seesaw for the next 3 1/2 months. In my case, the binges got worse and worse. See, I drink to blackout every single time. Not blacking out is the exception. Hubby would come home to find me on the floor with a broken window all around me or just flat on my face on the floor. When traveling, I would end up in my room God only knows how with bar tabs that are amazing to imagine and pure luck I wasn't raped and/or mugged. Got kicked off an airplane in Atlanta because I was so drunk. Had to find a room and pay my own $$ to get home the next day.

I have gone to clients with hands shaking so bad I could barely type. At a billable rate around $300 an hour, that is pretty much not acceptable, although no client ever complained and I always managed to do my work as well as always. Sheer determination and desperation, I guess. Boy, loved to hit that bar as soon as possible every night!!

I have been watching Lucy Van Pelt, Det, Morrison and Bird on Antabuse. It scared the beejesus out of me because of that really strange fear we have of really quitting. You know the one that says, "Well, I should be able to have a couple of drinks when I really 'need' it." Yeah, a couple of drinks, in my case the size of a drink was 750 ml bottles of wine, so I only had two or three drinks a day. Or, ocassionally just two 750 ml bottles of vodka a day. Depending on my mood. Yeah, just one or two when I "need" it. Hah.

I deserve not to drink and I deserve not to "need" it. As my shrink and I discussed on my first visit, quitting drink is priority #1 for me because the "needs" will be a whole lot easier to figure out without the booze clouding the issue.

So, I take Antabuse now after having to check into detox because I had again gotten to being unable to string more than a few days together and I was DETERMINED to start the Antabuse ASAP and needed to be AF for a couple days prior. (Gastric bypass patient, which means that AL spends quite a bit more time in my body than a "normal" person's body.)

I have been taking it since Friday -- I made them let me take my first one BEFORE I walked out the frigging door. I am that petrified of my own addictive brain trying to go for "just one more!!" I pop it first thing a.m. with my Nexium and Chantix and Gabapentin.

I lived through absolute hell yesterday with my daughter and her situation and a week ago, a couple of bottles of vodka would have been my "drug" of choice. Yesterday, that simply was not an option and guess what? I SURVIVED!! Not only did I survive, I responded in an intelligent, loving manner, explained this disease to my daughter's husband and told him not to get belligerent back. My hubby went and picked up Li'l Bit (granddaughter) and she ended up having a marvelous Easter with us and auntie, uncle and cousins. I could not have done that with a couple of bottles of voddy in me.

Last night, after sobering up, daughter called in tears and wants mama to come talk to her. She knows and has been through my binges and knows I understand. She also knows I will be tough because I know what it takes. Keep her in your prayers today that healing is sent to her.

I know this is a horribly long post, but I wanted you guys to understand what depths some of us have to go through. Many here are no where near the degree of alcoholism I am (and my daughter, ironically she has been an alcoholic for about 6 years, me about 2) but I have seen personally that this disease/addiction (whatever pc thing you want to call it) TRULY is progressive.

Like Adrienne, like me, like all of us, no one but ourselves can help us unless we are willing to go through whatever steps it takes. AA works great for many, MWO is a huge help to me and my friends here are amazing, supportive and have given me tough love when I needed it, the choice to take AB for some has been a life saver, topa, Campral, WHATEVER IT TAKES!!!

I wrote this long post because I want each and everyone of my ODAT friends to think. Truly THINK about where you are in this disease and how you can halt its progression. I do NOT want to see you going through what I have, and I certainly do not want to see you get to where my dearest, sweetest baby is: hair falling out, bruising, diagnosed with alcohol hepatitis and possible scarring on the liver (at 26 years old mind you) and unable to stop the binging. My reality is that it is very possible that I am going to lose one of the most precious things in my life to this disease and the only thing I can do is suggest and support.

I do not wish this disease on anyone and so today my friends, I pray for all of us that LOVE and HEALING touch each and every one's life today.

Much love,
Cindi

[Dolly Sunshine]

ODAT - Monday

Thank you Cindi.

[disapprovingcat]

ODAT - Monday

Cindi, that was chilling.

Congrats with surviving the hard day. I wish you a lot of luck with the antabuse and new steps toward sobriety. I hope the anti-anxiety medication will help with your impulses. Seeing your daughter on this path must be terrifying. And you have a little grandaughter who has seen too much.

You were the first person who responded to my first post and you helped me! Lean on whoever and whatever you need!

To everyone facing a difficult day or week - chin up. ODAT OMAT OSAT

DC

[cowgal]

ODAT - Monday

marvelous Monday!

Hi all, Thank you Cindi for sharing that heart wrenching story, yes this is a TRULY progressive disease, in my case anyway...............that is what they say in AA ( I know some people don't like AA, in fact I was anti-A for a while, but am using it to help me not drink a few days a week...............it really helps me...............)

Bessie, sorry you are feeling so tired and exhausted today. Tea and everyone here at ODAT, remember all you have to worry about is today! Or like I have seen you and others write, OMAT, OSAT, OHAT...............whatever it takes.............

I am on day 30 today ( I happily moderated really well on Sat and yesterday!) I am going Mon-Fri AF, then if I want to having a few beers in the afternoon on Sat or Sun...............like I said "If I want to"....................I just felt like it this weekend, may not next..................DEFINITELY will not all week w/ the help of MWO and AA though!!

Love you all dearly!!:h

Have a really busy day, but will try to check in often!

MA

[panadol]

ODAT - Monday

Hi Cindi
Thank you for your honest thought provoking post.
You have to be congratulated for moving forward
and keeping on trying with this battle. What you
describe is a frightening reality and who knows
this could easily be one of us as well as now or in
the future. Dealing with your daughter sober and
feeling the pain must have been tremendously hard
but you did it! You must feel a sense of satisfaction
from that. The antabuse sounds like its going to be
a good thing Nice to hear of your progress Cindi.
:lPan

[greeneyes]

ODAT - Monday

Cindi, Horribly long? Not at all. Thank you for taking the time for us. :h

[barebones]

ODAT - Monday

day 24 AF for me, sry that some people is having rough time. keep ya chins up. and take care of yourselves.

just remeber having that drink will make a stressfull situation worse not better,in the end u just be kicking your own butt for doing it. so that the only advice i have just now, sry if its not much. thanks for everyone sharing themselves today.

keep safe!

[universal]

ODAT - Monday

Cindi,

thank you for sharing that story with us..........you are an incredibly strong woman.

Today is going to be an AF day for me - tomorrow I leave for my conference.......I am going to need all your thoughts and prayers this week guys........

[Ripple]

ODAT - Monday

ITS ME RIPPLE! morning all.....its okay Cindi, LONG is good...the longer you are good the better, you can help someone who has fallen when they need us the most! I'm AF and I know that...toodles...:thanks:

[indiamike57]

ODAT - Monday

Cindi -

Great post and not at all too long. Actually, on my computer it's about 1 wine bottle high and so much better!