Sad but hopeful

[aceofbase]

Can you be both sad and hopeful at the same time? I have been drinking consistently for about 7-10 years at varying levels. I am "functional" during the day and don't even think about drinking until 6pm on the weekdays. Then I leave work, drive home or to the liquor store and buy 750ml of rum....have two drinks in the car on the short ride home and maybe one more later in the evening or a public "covering" drink of wine with my wife to mask my breath and appear "normal". Most of the time no one knows (or I think that they don't) every now and then I overdo it and either say something stupid, forget whole conversation or even evenings. I am regretful for a lot...no dUIs, no other major issues but it seems like its just a matter of time. My wife has been getting more distant over the last two years and so have I. We have talked about it and its been very heated emotional conversations...then everything is okay for awhile and then I start back to my same old habits....I have gained 20 lbs in the last 5 years...I work out 3-5 days a week but with the drinking, I don't lose anything.

I just found this site today....I don't anything yet. I feel like crying and I also feel hopeful....because (how sick is this) I just past 36 hours without drinking and I have done that only about three times in 5 years....I wonder if I can get through tonight? HELP. Open to suggestion.

[AMELIA]

Sad but hopeful

Hi Aceofbase and Welcome!!:welcome:
Yes, I think you can be both sad and hopeful at the same time.
To be reliant on any type of booze is extremely frightening and yes...sad.
I personally am sad I wasted so many years (and forgot so many things) because I just continued to drink. When I began wanting to stop or cut down it seemed almost impossible.
Alcohol does come between two people in a relationship too. Especially if the need for booze is more than the need to be up front and honest with our significant others.
Aceofbase, this site is a wealth of imformation and lovely people from whom you will find support if you reach out and ask.
Start by reading the book and reading the posts here.
I think this is a great site and you are right to feel hope now that you have found us.
Keep on visiting please. Try to get at least a multivitamin.

There IS hope.:h
x

[auntiegriselda]

Sad but hopeful

Hi Ace :welcome: I'm starting today on day 1 of alcohol free living. This is my third time. I went 21 days last Sept. and 18 days in Jan. I was so proud of myself, felt better etc.
I also am "functional" during the day but probably less so than I think I am! I've been drinking daily pretty steadily since my divorce in 2000. Before that too, but not quite as much.
The last time I took L-glutamine and a B vitamin. Tried Kudzu but it gave me a weird feeling and bad taste in the mouth.
Have you gotten the book? You can download it from this site or order it.
I wish you strength and good luck!
Auntie

[MDBiker]

Sad but hopeful

Hey Ace--Welcome:welcome: Congratulations on the 36 hours. We have all been there. Your story is much like mine. I drank a lot and Functioned pretty well. Everyone knew I drank, but no one knew how much. I sometimes would get up early in the morning and look in the trash to see what we had for dinner so I could talk about it.

Believe me you can get over this and have your life back again. Read the book, take the supplements, and if you need to you can find a Dr. who will work with you (meds) to stop drinking. Sad and hopeful is really a good start. i started sad and hopeless. You are alreadya step up.

bear

[LVT25]

Sad but hopeful

:welcome: Ace--You already have a lot of great advice here. I would strongly agree that you should read the MWO book, and drink lots of water. Some people buy the "starter kits" which I think is a great idea...I kinda started out a little backwards and added things as I went. I do think the hypnotherapy cd's are helpful also. You are on the right track--36 hours already--the seed has been planted......

[JB32408]

Sad but hopeful

:welcome: Ace,

You sound like I felt yesterday on my day 1. I totally thought that I was either going to have a stroke, aneurysm, or heart attack because of all my drinking and the stress of maintaining "normality" when I couldn't recall things from the evening before. I am only on day 2 but it is one more than I had a day ago and I feel so blessed to have found this forum with this support.

:l JB

[trixietrack]

Sad but hopeful

sad and hopeful is a healthy sign. it means that you can do this and are ready, but know it's not going to be easy.

much luck. wait until you start being healthy again.


Welcome to my way out

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

Sad and hopeful

Just reading your kind replies makes me want to weep. I am so strong most of the time. I will share details at some point...but I am the president of a business that I have owned for 7 years, I also fly my own airplane as a hobby, I have 4 children (2 entering college this fall), 10 employees, blah blah, blah...tons of stress, I support the whole free world (feels like)....not an excuse for drinking, but sometimes I just want the break from worrying if that makes any sense. I am quitting for now, whatever that means, I am scared to death of 6pm...almost can't make my car not go to liquor store...I don't want to even leave the house by myself after 7pm. I know where every liquor store is with 5 miles of my house. I want to be able to drink wine sometimes (I don't drink beer) and avoid rum (no other liquor attracts me) at some point. If I can get through tonight it will only be the 2nd time in 5 years missing two 24 hours periods back to back. Rambling....I will read more on the site, but if anyone has recommendations of what to order, I am all ears.

I don't know if there are others like me out there. I am ashamed of hiding drinking, lying about it and the power it has had over me. I also have NEVER admitted any of this to anyone.

[trixietrack]

Sad but hopeful

aceofbase there are many people who post here who are like you, some are still struggling some have overcome for the most part.

Please stay around, communicating is really a great way to heal. you will not be judged negatively around here.

be well.

Trixietrack

[AMELIA]

Sad but hopeful

Aceofbase,
If you have managed to run your own company with 10 employees, fly your own aircraft and bring up 4 children with your wife....you can beat this!
You are going to have to take a long hard look at your life and see what you can do to lessen the stress and/or workload. Could you delegate more...perhaps hire a PA (if you don't have one already)....think about different ways to deal with your stress.
You are going to have to create some new healthy habits (while repairing your body with supps, exercise etc).
You could lose everything you have worked hard for if you don't address the drinking. It is progressive and could get worse.

I would get a good vit B, Magnesium, L-Glutamine, some sort of Omega Oil, the Kudzu (definately) and Milk Thistle to repair any liver damage.
Sounds like a lot of stuff to take,....but it does help a lot.

I have done everything that you have said, hidden booze, lied and no I haven't admitted it to many people.
You are on the right track Aceofbase, just by finding the site and posting.

Amelia

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

Sad and hopeful

Amelia, thank you sooo much...again on the verge of tears sitting in my office...strike that...tears. Anyway, thank you all, really. If I signed off now and never posted again I would be forever grateful for your simple comments...you don't even know me.

I take some supplements now like a high power multi for men. Next week I am having a full blood panel done at my Dr's office as part of a long put off annual physical. Not necessarily worried about a specific health problem just wondering what damage I have done so far.

Do you ever wish there was a pill that you could take that would give you a slight buzz and have no other side effects other than that euphoria you get on the first drink or two? Every drink after that only makes me feel worse it seems...and the calories. I added up that I probably consume up to 1000 calories a day more when I drink.....surprised that I am not 250 lbs.

[tawnyfrog]

Sad but hopeful

Ace - I just want to add my words of welcome from this part of the globe. Stick around. It really CAN get better. Hope turns into reality.

[Riker]

Sad but hopeful

Welcom AceofBase

:welcome:

I can relate and I know how you feel.. it's a scary thing to admit it, both to yourself and to others. I have tried to cut down / stop many times before..been drinking for over 20 years and yes I can "function" if you call it that.. ie: take care of my responsibilities at work and home etc.. but it's getting a lot harder as I get older.. just turned 41 two weeks ago and it's starting to catch up to me. I just know that I have to stop..but when 4pm hits it's like I am on autopilot to the beer store..just like your car after work :H Same idea. I don't want to..but I just seemed to go through the motions..then the next day I feel like crap..as usual.

There are not to many guys here.. nothing against the ladies of course .so I for one I'm glad that you found us..

The support on this site is amazing.. the people here are like us, they understand, they struggle, they win some, they lose some but the overall feel is very positive. Although I only have two stints of being AF..both times for 2 weeks, it was because of the people here that I was able to do that.. Now I'm back at square one it seems..but I'm also back at reading and posting here.. which is a key thing..

Welcome,

Riker

[better:)]

Sad but hopeful

There ARE people like you in the world and one of them is me. I'm 45, fairly healthy (not for long - I am sure), 3 kids. The 5:00 bell is about to ring. My DOC is wine - Shiraz as a matter of fact. I am functional during the day - but at night I do not remember. I feel embarassed and stupid. Yes I've also looked in the trash can to see what we had for dinner the night before and I am the one who made dinner!
Hang in there - and I will also. I've been on day one many times and am hopeful for day 2, 3, 4, forever.

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

Sad and hopeful

Riker, I am 45 and It seems like it is or will catch up to me too. I have done triathlons for years, I run and try to stay healthy but all the extra calories add up. I am 6'0" and now 205 and I used to be 185ish. Superficial, but my wife is very fit and attractive...I feel like I owe at least to her to be attractive too. She journaled to herself (and I think left it for me to find, I read it) that she is having a hard time being attracted to me....in part because of the weight I have gained and in part because the way my personality changes when I drink.

I live three miles from my office and pass a liquor store no matter what way I go home....I can't drink at home so I do it in my car driving around the area and listening to the radio for 15-30min after work...sounds soooooo crazy when I say it.....there are dozens of other things I could admit to too...I cannot and never have had anything to drink within 8 hours of flying...but watch out after I land...I reward myself. I recently got an Instrument rating which took a year of concentrated effort...and concentrated rewarding...

ARG...6pm coming.