Sad but hopeful

[jole]

Sad but hopeful

Scared

Your experiences are so familiar. I have had a rough time of it lately. I've been a drinker for over 30 years. I always work and do the "right" things and appear to be responsible and together. The truth is I drink too much and have a very low self esteem. I have to stop and I want to stop. It's just kind of like losing a friend - old habits are hard to break. I am single and I get pretty lonely and need to talk.

I am also raising my nephew and he is a handful. He's ADHD and is having behavioral problems at school. I don't get to think about me much. But I've decided that I have to find the time for myself to conquer the drinking.

This is day one and I am scared and very sad.

[jole]

Sad but hopeful

BecomingMeAtLast;305218 wrote: Hi Ace,

I'm just finishing day 6 AF and every day I've almost blown it for some dumb reason or another. I'm a "hey, I deserve it" kind of gal, too, but my love is wine. I woke up this morning amazed that I had a not-so-bad dream I remembered. This is a first for me in so long. Nightmares when I've taken a day AF here and there, yes, but not a regular 'ol dream.

I'm one day at a time, too, and unsure if my ultimate goal is AF or mod. No need to worry when it's one day at a time, right?

You're awesome, my hat's off to you, buddy!

I'm a 'hey I deserve it kind of girl' too and wine is my thing! Unfortunately, I can't have one or two glasses. Today is day 1 AF. I'm anxious and afraid I'll fail. I just have to remember one day at a time. Thanks for the reminder.

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

sad but hopeful

You can do it...I am weak and just thought this would be my reality. I actually thought I would just have to go through divorce/bankruptcy/health problems ect and that was going to be it until maybe I made a change someday or not...If you had told me that a website was capable of helping me change my life...well you get the picture. Today is only Day 14 so I won't get too preachy...I have every reason to drink and every reason not to..the not tos are much more attractive when I look at the long term picture. It seems like drinking is a long term problem with a very short term solution...just take it one day or even one hour at a time and the problem is "fixed". Yes people revert and make mistakes but you keep going, learn and adjust. For me, I have found some mental tricks to keep the demon at bay. Your mind tricks you into drinking and you can trick it not to also...all is fair in love and war!

[Suzanna]

Sad but hopeful

Wow, Ace, I am completely bowed to your journey, and everything that you expressed along the way. Look at how you were able to be there for your wife and your dad, by not drinking at this particular time, starting your af journey. I am truly inspired.

[Heavenly]

Sad but hopeful

[quote=aceofbase Your mind tricks you into drinking and you can trick it not to also... all is fair in love and war!
Hey aob,

you got some awesome quotes too ! as well as strength of character......

Regards

heavenly

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

sad but hopeful

Well day 14 has come and gone and still AF. One of the most challenging weeks in recent memory...my spouse and my father both in emergency surgery and me the primary care giver..I am am tired, weary and sooooooo not ready for Monday....oh well, life is what happens when you are making other plans. Onward.

I ordered Kudzu and the book but I have not gotten them yet....looking forward to it.

I sort of have a goal but I am very leery of stating it...one month? at least 10 more lbs lost. Okay I said it... but instead of a goal, lets just call it a flexible plan for now.

Beginning tomorrow I am going to move over to another MWO forum for longer term posting...If for some reason I screw up I will be back here. I will be monitoring this thread though as it really gives me some perspective.

Riker, Amelia, Aunti, Heavenly and everyone here...I read everything you write..I somehow feel connected to you guys...thank you.

[AMELIA]

Sad but hopeful

Hey Ace, sounds like you are doing really well! Hope everything goes smoothly with your partner and her dad's recovery....
Keep on going 2 weeks AF is awesome.
x

[auntiegriselda]

Sad but hopeful

I'm so impressed with your progress Ace. It's especially inspiring with everything you've been through. I've backslid a bit but am starting back on Day 1 today.
It's a process and everytime it gets a little easier I think. Congrats on the weight loss too!
Auntie

[Riker]

Sad but hopeful

Ace, You are THE MAN..

The fact that you have stayed AF during difficult times is a true display of comitment, strength and resolve. You make me realize that it IS possible. Seriously, you probably think you just an average guy who's " only " made it 14 days AF.. But you are much more than that.. you inspire me and other people here, as you can see from all the responses since you started this thread. I will be reading your posts in the other forums.. come back and check us out in the Just Started thread once in a while. Hopefully I will join you in the longer term abstinance threads in the near future.

I've been here for over a year.. and I could tell after your 5th day that you were going to be alright.. I knew you were going to stay AF. I've seen it before in others that pass day 4 or 5 and just keep going.. The best example of that is Chief.. if you have some time, read his posts.. him and I joined only a day or two apart.. way back. and he went AF from the get go and still is AF to this day..

Just hold your heading true my friend.


Riker

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

sad but hopeful

Okay, maybe one more post...got the kudzu and it actually works at curbing the craving some...I am surprised...halfway through the book and it makes me want to do the full boat program. I have been going at this just cold and using some mind tricks that I play on myself..Tomorrow is day 17 AF.

I had the worst most disturbing dreams last night and I don't know why...maybe all the hospital stuff last week? I don't know but I couldn't wake up from them and it took a while to switch to something else...I would wake up in the middle of the dream and try to shake it off only to fall back asleep and have the dream pick up where it left off before.

Anyway, my goal is now 1 month AF...I still have the crave, I am losing weight at the rate of 3-4 pounds a week by not drinking which is great. I crave the buzz and the "break" of alcohol but I am not really that tempted to drink if that makes any sense....my head is definitely clearer, I am thinking differently, feeling different..possibly calmer, not so reactionary? My family has noticed this...I have not said anything to the teens about my abstinence..I wonder if I should or if it even matters...maybe just the change is enough? Or do you think I should tel them what I am doing? I have never really admitted to having a problem long term with alcohol with them...so why would I be telling them that I am abstaining? See my point?

[Marley]

Sad but hopeful

Oh, I so can relaate to your story. Come clean with your spouse (which will make her feel more secure ANd involved). You are SO lucky to have someone to be accountable to. Your spouse if you include her in your quest to become sober will become so much closer to you. There is nothing better to help you stop drinking than someone to hold you accountable...AA says it's a sponsor, but in real life, it's the person you don't want to lose. Good luck toyou. I only just found this site, bit I'm finidng it extremely insightful and helpful.

[Kayla]

Sad but hopeful

Too many replies for me to wade through, but for what it's worth you have my support as well. Loads of wonderful folks here, lots with similar stories. I was also very high functioning - yet doing my thing secretly - still am at times - yet I keep coming back to this site and am making progress - few steps fwd, few back -

Keep your hope. Whatever spurs you on. Use whatever support systems you can - peers, sites, AA, nutrition etc etc.

Much love and best wishes for your journey Ace,

Kayla

[gelgit]

Sad but hopeful

My two cents is that you should really share this very special and difficult part of your life with your wife as it sounds like your relationship is solid and that you are close, in love and like one another. The kids?? Just share with them your newly available attention, interest and relaxed and honest personality. They already knew that "something" was going on with you and will be relieved to notice that things have changed.
Sorry, if I'm butting in: it's a priviledge of being seriously old

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

sad but hopeful

My wife knows what I am doing and why...earlier in this tread I described reading in her journal that she left laying where I could read it. I am talking about communicating with the teens (18, 18, 16)....I don't think I am going to say anything to them...people are noticing the weight loss, maybe that will clue them in.

[gelgit]

Sad but hopeful

about the kids....

I recommended not really explaining what's going on directly to them, because that would make them part of it and responsible for how it goes with you. Kids are like that. They're old enough to be bystanders. That's not to say they don't have a stake in it, or an interest and concern. They love you. When people comment on your weight lost: just smile and say thanks!:l