Sad but hopeful

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

Sad but hopeful

Day 18 AF I still miss AL and I know it misses me...but you know what they say, "how can I miss you if you won't go away"!

I didn't think I would make it through day 3.....amazing, If you had told me this a month ago, I would have said that you had the wrong person.

I am looking into Topomax and some of the other supps now.

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

A note from my wife on Sunday

I have started another thread in the general discussion under "different" but I wanted to post this here for the newer visitors.

My wife left me this note on Sunday morning....this is after only 3 weeks being AF...It is possible.

here is the note that my wife left me Sunday morning:

Reflections on the last month:
April 13, 2008

I have the husband, the father, the partner, the ?soon to be lover? that I have always dreamed of.
I have the peaceful, loving home that I cherish and know in my heart to be the best for everyone.
I realize you have been in battle with your demons and some days must be hell for you.
Only you can truly fight this fight, but I will supply any ammo you might need, I?ll be your back up troop, standing behind you, next to you, cheering you on, listening, learning with you.
You are like a tree, whose deep roots are suddenly being exposed after a storm?I love this man!
You are also like a cherry tree, who is blossoming in spring?..everything beautiful, fresh, new.
I realize you may hate the struggle, but I see you becoming a better, a wonderful person, because of it.
Pain often works that way?morphing us into more loving, compassionate and grateful beings.
Because you are learning to be patient with yourself/and your process, I believe you have become more patient with us, with your work team, with your world.
There have been NO conflicts with you and the kids in the last month.
My heart has ached and ached for this.
They are opening up to you, feeling the difference, the non-judgment, the safety in our home.
There is so much love coming from you?and we ALL feel it.
I feel safe when you are not drinking. I don?t feel crazy, running around looking for glasses, smelling you, wondering wondering wondering.
Your behavior is becoming predictable (not in a boring way) but in a responsible father, husband way. When you say you are going to do something, you are actually following through and I don?t have to sit and wonder ?when?.
I am not nagging about things.

Now, to go from the deep to the shallow:
You look amazing!!
You have no puffiness in your face
And your stomach?..ooh la la?.no more stickin out or bloating tummy.
You look 10 years younger boo
I am lovin this healthier, more attractive you!

For the first time, in a very long time, I am feeling hopeful
Hopeful about our future.
I want to think about our future, rather than be afraid of it.
I realize you are still in the beginning of this battle and it may take a long time to feel secure.
I don?t know if this will be a life long battle for you (for us) or if your brain has really changed?
I?m not sure, but I am hopeful.
And I am grateful
I want this ?person? that you are and that you are becoming.
I want to be with you.
I want to hold your hand
I want to love you.
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#10 (permalink) Report Post
Old Today, 09:47 AM

[nojoke]

Sad but hopeful

Well Ace,

Amazing! I would hate to do this alone. You are fortunate to have that love and support. I had that and went AF for 18 months. We were almost at the point of separating when I made the decision to change. What a difference it made. Sadly my partner died a little over a year ago and guess what? AL was there. It has taken all this time to wake up and remember the good times. I'm starting again, and it sounds like your life is taking on new beginnings. You have my support. Stay focused on what is important in life. It is so worth it. Your posts are such an encouraging and positive place to visit.

[comityguy]

Sad but hopeful

ACE - you are truly an inspiration. You have displayed real courage and determination in the face of considerable adversity. After reading the letter your wife wrote I can see that you are truly a "wealthy" man -- I sincerely wish you well on your life's journey.

CG

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

Hopeful and less sad.

Today is day 26 and this I WILL mark 30 days AF on Tuesday of next week. I am very cautious to say this but it is getting a little better...Still 5-7pm hurts....my wife sent me to the liquor store to get wine for a meal we were preparing...and I did it with minimal discomfort and the wine sat opened in the kitchen all evening and I did not touch it...I felt the demon urge me twice to "take a little sip" and I laughed out loud about how predictable that was...seems to take the power away of the temptation. Still dropping about 1/2 lbs a day or 3 lbs a week. My blood tests came back from the Dr and everything look pretty good to me but I will meet with him on Monday. I want to discuss Topamax with him, but I don't want it on my medical record that I am taking it....more later.

[comityguy]

Sad but hopeful

aceofbase;312427 wrote: Hopeful and less sad.

I want to discuss Topamax with him, but I don't want it on my medical record that I am taking it....more later.

ACE - in my experience that's going to be tough to do. I've represented hundred's of doctors and it would be malpractice and a violation of the medical practices act to prescribe you medication for a medical condition which they failed to document in your medical chart. While it is possible your doctor may ignore the law (at his/her peril) a better option (if you are really concerned about maintaining your privacy) may be to go see a different doctor solely for the purpose of obtaining Topamax, paying him/her in cash, and then not discuss it with any other medical provider. You could also probably obtain Topamax via the internet, using Paypal or some other payment device other than a credit card, but you are probably better off seeing a physician in person.

Good luck. You sound very determined. Ever-lasting vigilance/abstinence has been impossible for me.

[caseaday]

Sad but hopeful

aceofbase...

I just wanted to let you know that it was your "story" that finally pushed me over the edge to start an AF lifestyle. I was hitting it very hard for a very long time and everything was spiraling out of control. Many bad events were just waiting to happen. I.e. losing my business, friends, my mind, etc. I am now beginning day 5 AF and feel much better. I feel better, my productivity is up, and I can't wait to start working out again!

Thanks for your postings!

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

hopeful was sad

Case-o-day,

You don't know how much that means to me to hear you say that. When I started this, I didn't think I would get through day 2. Today is 4 WEEKS AF and Tuesday will be 30 days. Commit to it, read, get supplements (Kudzu really worked for me), post here, get support, be healthly. I don't know if you have heard about "The Secret" but google that and download or oder the info..very inspiring and it works for me. Teaches you to change your thinking, don't say "I need to stop drinking" say to yourself that "I want to live a healthy lifestyle" or something to that effect. When I get tempted, I laugh at the demon, the demon is not smart, it only knows one need and it can be tricked. You are much smarter and unlike the demon ultimately you run things...the demon can only get to the controls if you let him. Goofy stuff but the visualizations works for me.

Okay, side bar. Today I flying first my Angel flight . Any of you that are interested go to FlightAware - Free Flight Tracker - IFR Flight Status, Tracking, History, Maps and enter my tail number: NGF979 (specific for this flight)...my normal tail number is N23979. Info on Angel Flights can be found at www.angelflightcentral.org...wish me luck!

[57Shelby]

Sad but hopeful

Ace-
Good luck on your inagrual angel flight! Godspeed. I wanted to comment on your struggle with the Topomax issues. You have been doing so amazingly well without it, why bother? It seems that may be a source of stress for you that you just don't need at this point. If you have gotten this far without it, why change what seems to be working for you?

I have heard good things about "The Secret". I think I will get it. Thanks for the suggestion.

Shelby

[Yosemite Sam]

Sad but hopeful

Ace,

Way to go on the angle flight, glad you are able to
serve others. can I give you a short hug?

Sam

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

hopeful less sad

I downloaded and read the MWO book and that made me want to take the "cure"...I am brute forcing this right now compared to what is in the book....That sounds like it "cures" you from wanting to drink long term...that would be great and its worth a shot...I was a scientist and an inventor with several US patents before I started doing my current gig...I am curious.

post note....my "angel Flight" got scrubbed today due to icing in the clouds. The other pilot canceled which is his prerogative...but I would have gone if it had been up to me. I am flying anyway noon our time GMT-5hours.

[Mohun]

Sad but hopeful

No flying in ice Ace. What kind of plane is it? I used to give weather briefings to pilots for a living.

[comityguy]

Sad but hopeful

Good luck Ace.

[caseaday]

Sad but hopeful

Ace...thanks for the advice. I actually have a copy of The Secret at home but have never read it. I'll start reading it tomorrow! Hope your flight goes well, it is a great contribution to the families that need it!

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

hopeful

Morning crew! Today is 30 days AF. I guess I made it past my first goal (which was 1 day and then another, lather, rinse, repeat). I am gonna drink like a fish tonight though to celebrate! Just joking. My goal was always moderation but I don't know if I really want to taste alcohol right now. My life has improved dramatically in some areas and more subtly in others but the overall net effect is very positive. I am going to write a longer post today on those changes...but I just wanted to get this one off before work....again thank you to Amelia, Heavenly, Stryker and many more that I am missing right now for giving me encouragement.