Sad but hopeful

[Aroundtwit]

Sad but hopeful

Dear Ace,

Congratulations on your 30 days AF. :goodjob:

I have followed your threads from the day you joined and you are an inspiration to me,
please keep up the good work as you sound a completely different person to the one that joined.

Take Care

Twit x

[LVT25]

Sad but hopeful

Way to go, Ace! I've been watching you from day 1, and I am so impressed with your progress. Keep up the great work!

[caseaday]

Sad but hopeful

Congratulations! Well Done! Yippie!

[tawnyfrog]

Sad but hopeful

Fantastic work, ace. I've enjoyed following your progress.

[57Shelby]

Sad but hopeful

Congratulations, Ace! I, too have followed your posts from the day you started. You are an amazing inspiration. Keep up the good work and great shares.
Look forward to more.
Shelby

[dixie]

Sad but hopeful

Aceofbase! What a username - almost as awful as mine "Dixie"! Where the hell did I come up with that one??? Probably to protract from "me" AGAIN. Have read all & am in tears. My story is that I've always been a big social drinker even had a major car accident at midnight from a lunchtime session! Put me off til the next weekend." I'll get pished, I just won't drive" logic. I've got a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old. I'd love to be pregnant PERMANENTLY as its the only time when you don't want to drink! I actually knew I was pregnant the 2nd time because I didn't want a drink - bloody loopy. Anyway, had Post natal depression with the 2nd child so drank & drank & drank which of course sank me further. Wine, wine the dreaded wine but anything will go if no wine (like downing neat JW black for that "fix"). Our store delivers within 30 minutes so very easy. Done the hiding bottles, filling hubby's drunk single malts with water (sacrilege!). If he knew??????????? Then I reach a point, normally after having an irrational argument with him & pass out WHEREVER. I'm on day 1 now and have passed the 6pm mark, actually its 5pm and would prob get earlier in time. I drink to get drunk. Why, to forget what a crap mother, wife I am blah blah blah............my grapefruit juice & sparkling water actually tastes great. Its also hard to not drink with my circle of friends. South Africans generally drink a lot & if you don't there's the assumption that you have a problem. I could say I was training for a marathon but then they'd prob die with laughter & I may then have to run it. Perish the thought. I have been battling with "do I/dont I " discuss it with my hubby. I will. Its going to one mind fuck for me to do as I dont admit defeat at all but I am defeated and will need the help and support from him. I also need to do the medical to check out the extent of my damaged body as there def is some. My kidneys want to jump out of my body and I shudder when I think of my poor liver!
But I've got passes Day 1 - 1 small step at a time. I found your story to be quite inspirational and brutally honest which must have been very difficult for a man in your position and stature. I think you have found "you" now. I need to find "me" and quickly. Pls keep in touch. I feel I really need to know how you progress.
You must be very proud of yourself. Take care of yourself and your family.
Kindest regards
The "Soon To Be" Only South African That Doesnt Drink!

[dixie]

Sad but hopeful

I am so fucked off after being so optimistic. I rescued 3 abandoned new born kittens 2 days ago. 1 died last night and 1 is in the process of dying any minute now. I feel so sad and completely and utterly useless. am sobbing hysterically. Why is it always 1 step forward, 19 fucking steps back?

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

Hopefull less sad

Dixie, I know it sounds weak, but hang in there. I felt a tremendous amount of sadness and wept for nearly 2 days at nothing..grieving the loss of the demon? the loss of the emotional insulation that AL provides? or because of my own weakness? Maybe all of those things. Life seems bleak when you don't have the high to look forward to...but that is one of the lies that the demon tells you and you end up believing it. The peace that you win by not drinking may be more subtle but it is real and more valuable. Hard to believe from where you sit I know.

Just know this, it is possible, you can do it and its okay to feel bad right now...I have said this before but I was resigned to AL and never thought I would be able to make a change...I thought I was too weak...I was wrong...its possible.

Write me if you need support...today is Day 32 AF for me.

[AnatolianOne]

Sad but hopeful

comityguy;312438 wrote: ACE - in my experience that's going to be tough to do. I've represented hundred's of doctors and it would be malpractice and a violation of the medical practices act to prescribe you medication for a medical condition which they failed to document in your medical chart. While it is possible your doctor may ignore the law (at his/her peril) a better option (if you are really concerned about maintaining your privacy) may be to go see a different doctor solely for the purpose of obtaining Topamax, paying him/her in cash, and then not discuss it with any other medical provider. You could also probably obtain Topamax via the internet, using Paypal or some other payment device other than a credit card, but you are probably better off seeing a physician in person.

Good luck. You sound very determined. Ever-lasting vigilance/abstinence has been impossible for me.

I'm new here, this is my first post, just wanted to say be careful with Topomax. I read about it on here and got a scrip from my doctor. It is very strong, brain-altering medication, I would be afraid to order it off the internet and take it with no physician's supervision. I had bad luck with it. The mental fog was horrible, could not type at all, forgot words quite often. I took it for 7-8 weeks, got up to 150 mg a day. It did not help my cravings at all, I couldn't stand the side-effects enough to live with it and keep taking it. It seems like 150 mg - 200 mg is where most people say it takes affect, but I couldn't keep going with it. They say that an extremely small percentage people lose their hair on this drug, .02% I believe, and of course a whole bunch of my hair fell out.:upset: Just my luck ! After I had been taking it for 3 or 4 weeks I got the worst ringing in my ears, which I understand is also a rare side-effect. I am afraid my hearing is ruined now. I have been off of it for a couple of months now, and the ringing in my ears is still awful, it is not diminishing at all. Afraid I have permanent tinnitus now! Just wanted to share my experience with this drug and say "Give it a lot of thought!" You seem to be doing a great job on your own anyway, Ace:thumbs:. My dog is named Ace.

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

Hopeful

I did a test run at moderation this weekend. I was at a formal Board function on Thursday night and i had 1 glass of red wine with dinner....I didn't taste good to me..odd. On Friday at another formal dinner, I had two glasses of white wine..it tasted okay but that was enough.
I also had a beer at home on Saturday. I was tempted a bit on Saturday to keep going but I did not. So, net effect is that I feel fine and was in control ( I will admit that it felt weird to have anything to drink). I am now just going to continue on with the program, keep losing weight and not drinking.

[gelgit]

Sad but hopeful

Good for you Ace. I was thinking about you this morning as I woke up.... wondering how you were doing. Sounds great! I can't even think about moderation until a year maybe. But then, this is my Day 4 so I have a long way to go. I remember, while being AF for 90 days once that the smell of red wine revolted me....no problem with the white EVER:H
AOne: it sounds like neither of us do very well on any of the meds. I have to put all my hopes on kudzu and the supplements with an occasional 1/2 tab of antabuse if I feel out of control coming on. I wrote earlier that I can nip a craving with a dose of habenero or wasabi. It just kills the craving (sometimes me too) isn't that weird:H:H Is was the cavernous aisles of booze at Costco that I couldn't resist the last time.
Dixie is a great name. Just saying it makes me hear music and see fireworks!! xxx g.

[aceofbase]

Sad but hopeful

Sad but hopeful

Well guys, I have been away a while and I miss you...Moderation is going well and I find that I can drink only occasionally and it is okay....I really don't miss feeling like crap in the morning. I have lost 20Lbs and generally speaking I feel great. I am still temped but my life kind of filled in where the lies and the AF was so there really isn't much room for it....my favorite thing to do is NOT drink when everyone else is like at a party...people will tell you some amazing things when they think you are keeping up with them (ODoules in a glass)!

I just celebrated my 46 b-day and I feel like there is hope, joy, discovery and potential in my life...Hope you all are well.

[Peanut]

Sad but hopeful

Welcome back Ace!!!

You had started posting about the time I started lurking about this site! I am so happy to hear of your success moderating. That is my goal also, actually to not drink on work nights, and though I have not made the 30days AF, I have managed several strings of days in a row! It is quite amusing watching drunk people out and about, but made me realize how ridiculous my drunken behavior must have looked. I drink the AL free beer, my friends know it, but some don't. Must try the ODoules next. Did you also say, way back in the day, that you did Triathlons?? How is your physical fitness going, esp. now that you have lost 20lb??? That is my goal too - I am down 7-8lb so far.

So nice to hear from you again!
Good luck and stay on track!
Peanut

[Peanut]

Sad but hopeful

Ace - I have one more question for you. Are you still taking the supps? Kudzu??
Peanut

[Tri-it]

Sad but hopeful

Welcome. You are in good company.