A Cautionary Tale

[happy4once]

Hi - haven't been on the site for awhile...

I started the program 1/18/2008 with unbelievable success. I kept a journal and many entires for the first 30 days started with 'I feel awesome, awesome, awesome'...not drinking was easy and I was amazed how quickly I'd changed.

However, around day 35 or so I stopped finding time for the Hypno CDs. My husband works non stop, I work full time as well and we have 3 little kids. At first he would tell me to go do my hypno on the weekends or I would work from home so I could sneak off to do them while the babysitter was here. Anyway, it got harder and harder to find time to do them -- I was always either working or taking care of the kids on my own and I felt I was 'cured'. So, I stopped doing them...and then I started being more social -- we went away for a 3 day weekend with husband only..then family events for easter. I started drinking socially again. "It's ok that I have 5+ glasses of wine while I'm at an event as long as I've stopped drinking during the week. I'm fine!". So this started 3 weeks ago...and then last night my addiction convinced me I needed to make a nice dinner at home for my husband and that we needed 2 bottles of wine....so after 3 huge glasses and 1/2 done with my fourth, my daughter started crying from bed. She has the stomach flu and we both ran upstairs to help her. With my husband upstairs I ran back downstairs to get my daughter a glass of ice water -- OH! And, why don't I stop and fill my glass of wine up a little more while he's busy upstairs. Back to sneaking extra wine so he doesn't know just how much I drink. Nice. So, I had 4 1/2 huge glasses of wine last night. (A bottle+, I think) I'm out of Kudzu. I'm hungover. And I'm thoroughly depressed.

Why can't I just be normal? When I was having success I wrote in my journal, 'it's incredible -- it's like someone finally took the needle off the track of this incessant song in my head crying out for alcohol. It's just totally silenced now!' Well (not sure if this is metaphorically correct but..) the talking in my head seems to be back. I guess that's what addiction is...and I've started giving into it again.


Sorry for the long post. I find it helps to just put this out there so I don't cover this up as much as I am with my husband-- easier to tell strangers. It is so easy to go back to old habits and talk yourself into thinking "I don't have a problem"...but then, what normal mother makes a pit stop to fill up their wine when their daughter is puking?

So. It's a beautiful day here in the Chicagoland area. Instead of being depressed (or in addition to) my plan for today is to take my kids (the non sick ones) to the park. Order some Kudzu. Go do 1 1/2 hours of hypno. And then make my husband make me dinner. Hopefully no wine tonight - but every ounce of my body just wants to wait until tomorrow to start (can't I just do wine on Fridays and Saturdays??). Or maybe just staty AF a few days of week? Or just try 1 glass a night...the bargaining with myself will just keep getting worse Now I know.

Not so happy right now...but learning more and more what I need to control this nonsense...

[Beaches]

A Cautionary Tale

Thanks for sharing Happy and so many have been exactly where you are. The trick is shutting down the voice in the head and realizing we have control over our thoughts not the other way around.

Learning is good and each day you will get closer to where you want to be it just won't happen overnight.

Good luck to you!

[AMELIA]

A Cautionary Tale

Hi Happy,
Thanks for posting that,..and yes I can recognise so much of what you say about yourself, because my mind works in the same way.
Good that you have come back here though and seem to have caught yourself pretty quickly before you spiralled down further.
Keep on doing those CDs and make sure you find enough time for you.
Best wishes
Amelia

[Heavenly]

A Cautionary Tale

happy4once;300463 wrote: Hi - haven't been on the site for awhile...

I started the program 1/18/2008 with unbelievable success. I kept a journal and many entires for the first 30 days started with 'I feel awesome, awesome, awesome'...not drinking was easy and I was amazed how quickly I'd changed.

However, around day 35 or so I stopped finding time for the Hypno CDs. My husband works non stop, I work full time as well and we have 3 little kids. At first he would tell me to go do my hypno on the weekends or I would work from home so I could sneak off to do them while the babysitter was here. Anyway, it got harder and harder to find time to do them -- I was always either working or taking care of the kids on my own and I felt I was 'cured'. So, I stopped doing them...and then I started being more social -- we went away for a 3 day weekend with husband only..then family events for easter. I started drinking socially again. "It's ok that I have 5+ glasses of wine while I'm at an event as long as I've stopped drinking during the week. I'm fine!". So this started 3 weeks ago...and then last night my addiction convinced me I needed to make a nice dinner at home for my husband and that we needed 2 bottles of wine....so after 3 huge glasses and 1/2 done with my fourth, my daughter started crying from bed. She has the stomach flu and we both ran upstairs to help her. With my husband upstairs I ran back downstairs to get my daughter a glass of ice water -- OH! And, why don't I stop and fill my glass of wine up a little more while he's busy upstairs. Back to sneaking extra wine so he doesn't know just how much I drink. Nice. So, I had 4 1/2 huge glasses of wine last night. (A bottle+, I think) I'm out of Kudzu. I'm hungover. And I'm thoroughly depressed.

Why can't I just be normal? When I was having success I wrote in my journal, 'it's incredible -- it's like someone finally took the needle off the track of this incessant song in my head crying out for alcohol. It's just totally silenced now!' Well (not sure if this is metaphorically correct but..) the talking in my head seems to be back. I guess that's what addiction is...and I've started giving into it again.


Sorry for the long post. I find it helps to just put this out there so I don't cover this up as much as I am with my husband-- easier to tell strangers. It is so easy to go back to old habits and talk yourself into thinking "I don't have a problem"...but then, what normal mother makes a pit stop to fill up their wine when their daughter is puking?

So. It's a beautiful day here in the Chicagoland area. Instead of being depressed (or in addition to) my plan for today is to take my kids (the non sick ones) to the park. Order some Kudzu. Go do 1 1/2 hours of hypno. And then make my husband make me dinner. Hopefully no wine tonight - but every ounce of my body just wants to wait until tomorrow to start (can't I just do wine on Fridays and Saturdays??). Or maybe just staty AF a few days of week? Or just try 1 glass a night...the bargaining with myself will just keep getting worse Now I know.

Not so happy right now...but learning more and more what I need to control this nonsense...

I know this would be MY story if I hadn't made myself be 100% af, that and the fact I am too scared to try true moderation.

Good for you for trying again... and being honest to yourself.

[Thankful]

A Cautionary Tale

happy4 once ~ it seems obvious that you know what you need to do. If you were happier AF, then that's your answer to whether or not to mod, isn't it? You deserve to be healthy and happy. Remember how good it felt to be AF. Remember how proud you were of yourself. Journal it all.

Just keep in mind that if you can find the time to drink, then you can find the time to listen to the CDs.

And when ever possible, do not allow yourself to run out of your supplements. If you can, get two bottles of everything. When you've just opened the second (I don't care if there are 100 tablets in the bottle) consider yourself running low and buy more then. This way you can not run out. I use this system with every single household item from toothpaste to tin foil. It makes running a household less stressful, because it's a foolproof way to not run out of anything.

And don't feel bad about long posts. It's good to get everything out. I have no doubt that you'll get back on track. Best of luck to you. We are here for you.

Love, Me
:l

[Dolly Sunshine]

A Cautionary Tale

I keep 5 bottles of Kudzu on hand at all times b/c it scares the hell out of me to be w/out it. The B complex and other stuff I can get that day but the Kudzu is hard to get.

[Noelle]

A Cautionary Tale

but then, what normal mother makes a pit stop to fill up their wine when their daughter is puking?

Happy4Once......I totally understand this. I was this way too, especially when my daughter was younger. It makes me feel really bad that I was so selfish and that AL was more important to me than just about anything or anyone else. I mean, how bad can it get? Well, when the kids get older, they *really* start to notice and they'll say something to you OR they will totally clam up and resent the hell out of you. Either way, it's bad, bad, bad. My daughter has done both when she was 15 or so. She's 18 now and is just now saying she is getting over all my drinking. I've been AF 57 days and she's just beginning to trust me and trust that I'm not drinking. She knew I hid more than my husband ever did.

I thought you might like to hear my experiences with the drinking and my daughter and that it might make your decision a little easier.

[maybe this time]

A Cautionary Tale

Hi Happy

I have found that when I make a resolution to STOP I can so successfully fool myself into believing I will actually stop ' next Monday' that I tend to drink even more before Monday arrives like some last ditch celebration before I can no longer drink Al.
I was full of resolve last nite after returning to this site after an absence of a year or so. Woke this morning feeling confident full of plans for the day and what have I done.....it's 11am and I have started with my 1st one for the day.
I read all the other postings about the 4pm, 7pm or whatever being the difficult time but when I am not at work I really enjoy my glass of wine at 10 or 11am.....gives me a real buzz.... (but also makes me feel guilty) I tend not to drink at nite after dinner and just drink lots of water but my system is full by then anyway.
It amazes me how much energy can go into creating time/excuses to drink and if I could only just stop I would have all that freed up energy to put into something positive and good for me.
Alright best stop raving on as I am feeling more miserable the more I write.

[jls10]

A Cautionary Tale

Happy4 Once-
Wow. I can totally relate. I have been through the cycle many times. The bottom line, whatever program or combinations of programs we choose as support, it all comes down to the bottom line, and that is that WE have to be the ones to do it. I have 2 children as well, and my big eye openers come when I choose alcohol over what I KNOW should be about them, or better for them without it. I am impressed that you went 35 days AF, I want to feel that ---I cannot make it to a week.

[Palatia]

A Cautionary Tale

wow... 35 days... that is commendable!!! WTG!

I had a little slip last night on my Day 7... but Immediately realized that the little blessings/miracles we receive when we're not drinking won't happen if I get into AL again...

Just a thought for everyone: Do you think wonderful things just fall into our lap when we're drinking? No.. they don't. They come when we are sober and living life... I think because we're giving more back.

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

A Cautionary Tale

Happy~

Thank you for the warning- putting the brakes on returning to your past habits.... wow!

That's harder to do than.....
~stopping the bed spins by slinging your foot out of the covers, and planting it on the carpet ! :H

(And I too, shared that implausible behavior... how about Trick-or-Treating with a giant plastic cup of merlot? How embarrassing! Who was I kidding?)

You mentioned "normal".... well, you'll find it. Be patient with yourself, and you'll find it. :heart:

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

A Cautionary Tale

Maybe,
Makes perfect sense....after all, I am in charge of my decisions, not alcohol right? I totally understand this rationalization:

I have found that when I make a resolution to STOP I can so successfully fool myself into believing I will actually stop ' next Monday' that I tend to drink even more before Monday arrives like some last ditch celebration before I can no longer drink Al.

You mention that you've been away for a year, so welcome back! :l Are you taking any supplements or vitamins, or is that your next step?

By the way, your ability to STOP drinking in the evenings is something to be commended! Personally, if I started in the morning, it's game over. I'd start with the Bloody Marys, switch to the Miller Lites, then to the Merlot, and pass out after the Rum & Cokes.... Oh, and if it was a Sunday night, you'd find me glued to the TV, enjoying the Sunday evening shows..... it's just a good thing we have a DVR, because even though I'd be bawling my eyes out watching "Brothers and Sisters"... I'd have no recollection of the plot until I watched it again. :what?: So flush away, flush away, and be ready for tomorrow morning....:rays:

Stay close by, Maybe..... there are some incredible people here that will inspire you....
Don't be miserable, be hopeful, okay? You'll find your way this time. :h

[maybe this time]

A Cautionary Tale

Thanks for the encouragement Patty - I am just looking thru what supplements I actually need so that is my next step.
My partner is away at the moment and I thought what a nice surprise it would be for him to come home and me not drinking. BUT I need to do it for me not for anyone else. I suppose if family are proud that is an added bonus but must start with me first which is a hard one to do.

[Dolly Sunshine]

A Cautionary Tale

Not Happy Hour-Happy Life;300687 wrote: Maybe,
Makes perfect sense....after all, I am in charge of my decisions, not alcohol right? I totally understand this rationalization:


You mention that you've been away for a year, so welcome back! :l Are you taking any supplements or vitamins, or is that your next step?

By the way, your ability to STOP drinking in the evenings is something to be commended! Personally, if I started in the morning, it's game over. I'd start with the Bloody Marys, switch to the Miller Lites, then to the Merlot, and pass out after the Rum & Cokes.... Oh, and if it was a Sunday night, you'd find me glued to the TV, enjoying the Sunday evening shows..... it's just a good thing we have a DVR, because even though I'd be bawling my eyes out watching "Brothers and Sisters"... I'd have no recollection of the plot until I watched it again. :what?: So flush away, flush away, and be ready for tomorrow morning....:rays:

Stay close by, Maybe..... there are some incredible people here that will inspire you....
Don't be miserable, be hopeful, okay? You'll find your way this time. :h

Sorry but I LMAO b/c I've done it so many times with Brothers and Sisters and October Road. Totally thought I was watching it till they talked about it at work and I realized I remembered nothing.:thanks:

[happy4once]

A Cautionary Tale

Thank you to everyone for the encouragement, advice and humor (I loved the wine in a cup for trick or treating comment - I laughed because everyone but me in my neighborhood does that because they don't have a problem -- I'm too self conscious!).

I ordered 3 bottles of Kudzu last night and have 2 hours of my hypno under my belt. Did lots of outdoor stuff with the kids including a wonderful worm hunt early this morning with my son (there are none out there yet, but we had fun looking!)

I will start journalling again tonight...also had a long talk with my husband about how he can help me. I have a hard time doing hypno at 10:00 at night (after the kids go to bed) -- but if that's the only time I can find to do it during the week, that's what I'll do instead of vegging in front of the TV...the hypno is the most powerful tool for me. But I think the Kudzu may factor in as well as without both, I went back to square one...

Thank you again, everyone. I started again today and am having an awesome, awesome, awesome Day 1.