I need to share (long..sorry)

[jls10]

About a month ago, I stumbled on this website and RJ's book. I read all I could, and bought all that I could afford (supps and hypno- no topa) because I've known for years now that I need to do something and this program seems perfect for me. I began, as always, committed and determined. But, somewhere around day 3 or 4, I begin to question whether or not really have a problem, and I have this running dialogue in my head about how I'm fine, and a few drinks won't hurt me, and no one will know - blah blah blah. Needless to say, I stop the supps, stop the hypno, and there I go again. I have 3-4 drinks one night and wake up the next day not too hungover, so I do it again. And each time, I drink more, become more sneaky, become more nasty, and every day I wake up feeling worse, with more regret and more guilt. I drink alone, at home. I have children and I fool myself into thinking that they don't know and it doesn't affect them.

So I went a week or so, drinking every day, forgetting my diet and exercise plan I was trying to commit to as well. Well, my BF surprised me one night and came home - found me with a beer in hand and 8- 16oz more ready for me to drink. I had promised him for the umpteenth time that "this was it", about a month ago.

So yesterday I went through that irritable, grumpy, unpeaceful, scared, tired,bloated and miserable day of Day 1 AF. On top of it all, I had a full day of shopping and a musem with 4kids under 10 (only 2 are mine!). But I made it, sober, and slept like a baby last night. Funny how sober sleep (for me anyway) is sooooo much better than sleep with any alcohol in my system. I woke up this morning feeling good, like myself. I feel calm, no regret (about yesterday anyway- I do about so many other days) and I feel like myself again. Hungover-no matter how mild or rough- mornings are miserable. I don't look forward to the day, I'm at war with my thoughts, I find no beauty in anything. Now I remember how I love mornings.

I'm ready for a day, accomplishing tasks, being with my children and my mother, doing good and right things for my life and my family. WHY...do I forget how "right" this feels and succumb to that awful alcoholic lifestyle of shame and regret and unhealthy feeling- physically and mentally?

Today (no work- yeah!) I'm committed to taking my supps, eating healthy, taking an long walk, and being with my children, really "being" with them, not the buzzed or drunk being with them. I want to prove that I can be AF for 60 days. There. I said it. It scares the life out of me. But I know it's the only way. I need to get this AL out of my system, out of mind, out of my routine, and start living my life and being me again. I don't think I've been AF for more than a week in 7 years, since I was pregnant. I need to prove it to myself.

Thank you for reading. I love MWO, I know it will work for me. I have to let it and follow it. I love to hear of all the success on this board and am once again looking forward to sharing in it............

:thanks:

[livingfree]

I need to share (long..sorry)

jls
Beautiful post - I know how painful these feelings are - but you have poured your heart out and that is an important part of the process. Just don't think about the "60" days. It's to easy to slip today because you're looking out 60 days. It's to easy to "start over tomorrow" - because after all 60 days is JUNE. Give yourself permission to be AF JUST TODAY. It's scary at first because you start thinking - "what if I wake up tomorrow and decide not to be AF?" - You need to put in your mind that tomorrow you would like to imagine you will desire to be AF - but today is your only goal. Down the road a ways you can start making longer commitments.

It's just that we all "think alike" - I could have written this post in my past. I am sad to think my Children are grown and i didn't embrace each day with them with out AL - but you can.
Love to you - I know you can do this

Liv

[Cinders]

I need to share (long..sorry)

jls10,

I love MWO, too, and I have also had many starts and stops and starts and stops. More than I care to think about.

MDBiker has always told me to keep trying no matter how many times I fail. It is when we quit trying that we truly fail. He apparently failed many times, too, but has now been sober almost or over a year!!

I have had more sober days in this last year than I have had in 30+ years of drinking, so even though I have "failed" I have also won many battles in the ultimate war.

I am now on day 18 and feeling very very good about it!!

You CAN do this and you know it is what you need to do, for your childen and most of all for yourself.

Glad you are jumping back into it. I'll be right with you.

Love,
Cindi
XVIII

[meditation mama]

I need to share (long..sorry)

Welcome, jls10~

I am so glad that you took the time to write out your feelings and share them. It is very helpful to get it out. You have read the book and have the toools, now let us help you with some support. It is difficult the first few weeks. 60 day is a fantastic goal! It will change your perspective on so many things, but LIV is correct. For now, just focus on the short term. I think it is a good idea to have a long term goal out there, but make sure you just look at today, or even this week. The first week can be a toughie, as you know. After a few days we start to feel better and we forget about why we are doing this. Our mind is a tricky little bastard..

I highly recommend starting a journal or writing something here each day on why you don't want to drink and how you are feeling. Then each morning and again in the afternoon re-read the prior days. It is very helpful to remind yourself in these early days. It does get easier, but you do have to fight hard and keep on your toes for a while.

Let us help you. Stay really connected. I was logged on for the first week pretty much non-stop. Especially day 4, 5 and 6! So, take advise, read a ton, ask a lot of questions and read, read, read - there is a lot of amazing information written here... a true treasure chest.

Namaste,

MM

[LVT25]

I need to share (long..sorry)

:welcome: jls---

Sometimes it takes several tries, and then one day something just clicks, and it gets a little easier every day. Next thing you know you will have gone 2-3 days without drinking and not even noticed--so hang in there and don't give up whatever you do. You know what to do, keep coming here for support and motivation!

[Palatia]

I need to share (long..sorry)

Thank you for sharing...

It's amazing how AL fools us into thinking we 'need' it.. or that we can 'handle' it..

Days 3 and 4 seem to be rough for many... I'm glad you again experienced what it's like to enjoy mornings..

[Breez]

I need to share (long..sorry)

Thanks for your story...sometimes seeing something in writing makes it more real. You CAN do it! Wake each morning and say to yourself 'today I choose not to drink". Don't even worry about the future. What helped me in the begiginning was the drinktracker. I loved putting all those daily 0's! Next thing you know-you've passed 60 and you didn't even know how you got there!

Best to you! You can do it!

[Blueeyedgirl]

I need to share (long..sorry)

Your story could be my story. I slipped last night after day 4. I thought I feel so much better I can have one glass of wine. It turned into one bottle! I am starting again. I had not been sober for 4 days in a row for at least 4 years. Sad fact!

I have a terrible time sleeping while sober which is how this little beast got so BIG. Keep up your daily journey and I will keep mine up too.

I need support & it sounds like you do too! Keep me in mind when you need to chat because I will be here

[Beck]

I need to share (long..sorry)

jls,

You are right where I was 61 days ago. I too could have written your post. I have 4 children and was drinking too much, too often and I worried about the example I was setting for them. The sneaky drinking is soul destroying. I am now 61 Days AF. Liv and the others are right, get through each day. What really helped me was joining the daily Abstinence thread. It helps me to be accountable to others.
Becoming AF requires commitment and vigilance but it is worth the effort.

Good luck on your journey,
Beck

[Sunbeam]

I need to share (long..sorry)

Hi JLS,
I have the impression that you haven't posted much here. Whatever thoughts you have will be welcomed, replied to, enabling you to achieve success on your own path. The supplies you purchased are all good, but not as powerful as human contact (even if it is electronic). Please do stay in touch.

[happy4once]

I need to share (long..sorry)

jls10 - I wrote almost the exact same post a week ago (no museum with 4 kids though - that's rough - but did well then slipped).

I will tell you two things that everybody here told me: 1) Good for you for catching yourself ! 2) If you are so much happier without AL, there is your answer...

It's really hard to think we have a problem, when we are functioning. But it is a problem. And if you let a little bit in, it seems to trick you. And the kids do start noticing (my two oldest have both asked me seperately why I'm always so tired and crabby. It just kills me...but I can even twist that around to think it's not too bad.

Good for you for trying again. I am too. I am on re-day 7 and slept great last night. Getting a little harder on the weekends, but I'm committed to 30 days AF at the very least -- hope to see more posts from you that you are doing well -

Focus on how strong you are for picking yourself back up - not the slip -- good luck : )